Postcards from the Edge

Julie Marsden:
You've got to learn to deal with your feelings, Suzanne, before they deal with you.

Suzanne Vale:
Do you always talk in bumper stickers?

Doctor Frankenthal:
We're going to have to pump your stomach.

Suzanne Vale:
Do I have to be there?

Grandma:
Oh, go on and cry. You'll pee less, as my grandma used to say.

Jack Faulkner:
What is it that especially bothers you, that it was on the same day or that it was Evelyn Ames?

Suzanne Vale:
It's not the fact that you f*** around A LOT, it's that you lie about it. You could have just told me the truth and then f***ed them ALL. Had the cigarette with me.

Jack Faulkner:
That is such bullshit. Women are always saying it's not the fact that you left, it's the way that you did it. It's not that you f*** around, it's that you lie about it. You're all so full of sh*t. It IS the fact that I f*** around, and it is that fact that I WILL leave.

Jack Faulkner:
I do not like this particular side of you!

Suzanne Vale:
I'm not a box, I don't have sides. This is it, one side fits all!

Suzanne Vale:
You said you loved me.

Jack Faulkner:
I meant it at the time.

Suzanne Vale:
Well what was it, a viral love? Kind of a 24 hour thing?

Doris:
So, how long have you known Suzanne?

Jack:
Oh, about a month. Seems like longer, though.

Doris:
I know what you mean. I'm her mother and it seems longer.

Doris:
I was such an awful mother... what if you had a mother like Joan Crawford or Lana Turner?

Suzanne:
These are the options? You, Joan or Lana?

Doris:
Are you not so mad at me now?

Suzanne:
I am always not so mad at you, Mama.

Doris:
You know what they say. No pain, no gain.

Suzanne:
Well, no wonder I'm so hefty.

Doris:
Hefty? If you ask me I think you're too thin. Now my stomach, that's hefty.

Suzanne:
I was kidding.

Doris:
I don't get your generation most of the time.

Suzanne:
I don't have a generation.

Marty Wiener:
Then I think you should get one.

Doris:
What is wrong with your hair?

Suzanne:
Oh, it's the latest look in the rehab.

Suzanne:
Can I ask you something personal?

Evelyn Ames:
You mean asking me who I have sex with isn't personal anymore? What do you want to know, if I smoke?

Suzanne:
I am so glad that I got sober now so I can be hyper-conscious for this series of humiliations.

Aretha:
Flowers for you, Suzanne.

Suzanne:
Who died?

Aretha:
Both of us almost did for a start. Who are they from?

Suzanne:
They're from the guy who pumped my stomach.

Aretha:
Bullshit!

Aretha:
"Dear Suzanne. Hope your stomach is better. You seem to be what my mother warned me about: A beautiful, overly-sensitive person." He can tell all that by the contents of your stomach.

Suzanne:
I'd have to be sensitive to need all that dope. I'm tempted to marry him so I can tell people how we met.

Suzanne:
Do you remember my seventeenth birthday party when you lifted your skirt up in front of all those people?

Doris:
I did not lift my skirt, it twirled up! You only remember the bad stuff, don't you? What about the big band I got to play at that party, do you remember that? No, you only remember that my skirt accidentally twirled up!

Suzanne:
And you weren't wearing any underwear.

Doris:
Well!

Suzanne Vale:
Instant gratification takes too long.

Suzanne Vale:
I have nothing to say.

Aretha:
The same cannot be said for the rest of your family.

Suzanne Vale:
I'm so relieved. That analogy has bathed me in relief.

Suzanne:
But that's the problem. I can't feel my life. I look around me and I know so much of it is good. But it's like this stuff with my mother. I know that she does these things because she loves me... but I just can't believe it.

Suzanne:
You don't know my mother.

Suzanne:
Did you just make that up?

Suzanne:
It's pretty good as it is.

Suzanne:
That's right, I don't want life to imitate art, I want life to be art.

Doris:
Sing one of your old numbers from my act.

Doctor Frankenthal:
Would you maybe like to go out with me sometime? Catch a movie or something?

Suzanne:
Sure. We can go see "Valley of the Dolls." We'll say fate brought us together.

Doris:
How was work today, dear?

Suzanne:
They made me do a drug test.

Doris:
I knew it. I knew you shouldn't do this film.

Suzanne:
You knew I shouldn't do it because it's a bad film, not because they were going to make me do a drug test.

Doris:
No, I knew it was wrong from the start, I had a dream that it wasn't right. I know you don't believe in my dreams, even the one that predicted your kidney stone. I had a dream the other night that I was drowning in the ocean...

Suzanne:
I really wish I had a Percodan right now. Or two, maybe three.

Doris:
...a very heavy sequined gown pulling me under.

Suzanne:
I'm going to kill myself.

Doris:
Don't say that, dear, even in jest. You just got out of drug clinic. People might take it the wrong way.

Doris:
I have some news.

Suzanne:
What? You had a dream I lost some weight? Endorsed a line of clothing?

Doris:
Don't be fresh, dear.

Doris:
Will you please tell me what is this awful thing I did to you?

Suzanne:
Alright, you want to know? From the time I was nine years old, you gave me sleeping pills! You don't give sleeping pills to a child.

Doris:
It was over the counter medication and it was perfectly safe! I only gave them to you because you couldn't sleep. Don't you go blaming me for your drug addiction, I don't blame my mother for my problems or my drinking.

Suzanne:
That's because you don't acknowledge your drinking. How could you possibly blame your mother for something you don't even do?

Doris:
Maybe I had a drinking problem when you were a teenager, but I had just gone through two miscarriages and a divorce! Now I just drink like an Irish person!

Suzanne:
You don't want me to be a singer. You're the singer. I can't possibly compete with you. What if someone won? You want me to do well... just not better than you.

Suzanne:
Sure. Bart, this is my mom...

Doris:
Oh, the one with the corset? That was so difficult to wear...

Suzanne:
Mom?

Doris:
Oh, I must go, sorry, boys. It was very nice to meet you.

Doris:
Sorry, dear, but you know how the queens love me.

Suzanne:
Aw, shut up, Grandma.

Grandma:
I beg your pardon?

Suzanne:
I should think you would.

Grandma:
If your mother had given you a pop on the butt when you were little like I told her...

Suzanne:
I'm simply suggesting we all try to enjoy one another without having to assign blame.

Grandma:
Ooh, listen to Miss Snootybritches. "Assign blame," hee hee.

Grandma:
What do you think you're doing?

Suzanne:
I'm moving you out to the waiting room.

Grandma:
Well, you don't have to shove!

Doris:
If I thought I made you feel like that, I'd kill myself.

Suzanne:
Don't say that, Ma, even in jest. You're in a hospital, people might take it the wrong way.

Jack Faulkner:
Are we breaking up?

Suzanne Vale:
We can't break up, we were never together.

Jack Faulkner:
Should come as news to you, you're acting like a wife.

Suzanne Vale:
Better than acting like a whore!

Jack Faulkner:
You're in no position to judge me, you just got out of a drug clinic.

Suzanne Vale:
Which is where you belong, Mr. Pothead, Mr. Vodka, Mr. Bedroom Eyes!

Jack Faulkner:
Yeah, out in Malibu.

Jack Faulkner:
Depends on what you're raising.

Suzanne Vale:
Can I speak to you for a moment in private?

Suzanne Vale:
I would really just like a few people of my own without them having to like you so much!

Suzanne Vale:
Right. And the living room nose, the kitchen forehead and den ears.

Suzanne:
I've been approached by hundreds of people who've felt the need to address the lack of relaxation in my work.

Suzanne:
In the future, I would prefer to receive direction solely from you. I mean we're talking about one day of work here. A day in which I was tied to a cactus and assaulted by snakes. Like I was a child. Maybe they should bring my mother on the set and she can make sure I'm relaxed!

Suzanne:
But, Simon! This isn't relaxed! This is incredibly upset!

Suzanne:
Do you know Jack Faulkner?

Suzanne:
You've... slept with him?

Suzanne:
No! Oh, God, I hope not.

Suzanne:
When did you see Jack last?

Suzanne:
I was with him Saturday afternoon. That's two girls in one day.

Suzanne:
How can you laugh? It's completely disgusting! Especially in this day and age.

Suzanne:
Endorphin.

Suzanne:
Ma, I'm middle-aged.

Doris:
Dear, *I'm* middle-aged.

Suzanne:
Really. And how many one hundred and twenty year old women do *you* know?