Problem Child

Martin Beck:
You're telling me that I broke out of prison and drove 500 miles for a seven year-old?

Junior:
I'm going to be eight in two weeks.

Martin Beck:
Don't count on it.

Little Ben Healy:
We've adopted Satan!

Junior:
Hey, Martin! Let's go see the bearded lady.

Martin:
No, I've seen too many of them in prison.

Mr. Peabody:
Could you act like nuns?

Little Ben Healy:
We're doing what everyone has been doing to him, I mean it's easy to give up on a kid.

Flo Healy:
Damn straight it is.

Little Ben Healy:
But isn't that what's wrong with the world today? Problems just don't go, Flo! So the question here is what are we going to do with our little problem child? I'll tell you what we are going to do. Something no one else has ever done to him before. We're gonna love him, Flo. We'll love him when he's bad, we'll love him even more when he gets worse, then one day he's gonna stop and say, "hey, these people really do love me. I don't have to be bad anymore. What the hey, I can be President of the United States!"

Flo Healy:
President of the United States? Are you brain damaged? Junior is gonna be a convict before he's in third grade!

Mr. Peabody:
Maybe all Junior needs is to be loved.

Mother Superior:
Let's cut the crap, Mr. Peabody. Either Junior goes or you find yourself some new nuns.

Little Ben Healy:
I hope I'm not rushing you, Dear, we can always let nature take it's course.

Flo Healy:
Nature screwed us over, let's give Congress a try.

Lucy Henderson:
Mother, he dresses like the man that cremated Uncle Leo!

Clown:
Look, a giraffe!

Martin Beck:
Look, a fist!

Flo Healy:
You mean we've been doing "it" every night, for nothing?

Junior:
I hope you guys are insured.

Junior:
Hahahahahaha!

Mr. Peabody:
Whats so funny?

Junior:
You are ya stupid dick!

Junior:
Oh so you wanna play rough huh?

Little Ben Healy:
Dad, we adopted.

Big Ben Healy:
Are you insane?

Little Ben Healy:
I thought you'd be happy.

Big Ben Healy:
Happy? You don't know what you're letting yourself in for. For all you know, his parents may have met in the looney bin. They might even be democrats!

Junior:
Maybe if I shrug my shoulders and move around my hands like this, maybe people will think I know what I'm talking about.

Mother Superior:
You see Mr. Peabody the child is incorrigible.

Junior:
I'm What? Why don't you speak English lady?

Mr. Peabody:
Can I call you back in five minutes?

Little Ben Healy:
He's all yours.

Mr. Peabody:
Ben, Flo can we dicuss this?

Flo Healy:
There's nothing to discuss!

Little Ben Healy:
We're signing him back over to you right now!

Mr. Peabody:
Bad parents make bad children!

Flo Healy:
Oh so now I'm a bad parent just because I hate my kid!

Mr. Peabody:
You took him, he's yours!

Little Ben Healy:
That's because you conned us into him!

Mr. Peabody:
What am I supposed to do with the little creep? He's already been returned 30 times!

Flo Healy:
Well this makes 31 Charlie!

Mr. Peabody:
Ok Mr and Mrs. "We don't care about brown hair and brown eyes. We just want him into our home and let him play with our disgusting cat."!

Big Ben Healy:
I'm selling my store to the Japs.

Little Ben Healy:
I, I, I, but...

Big Ben Healy:
I, I, I, but what? You thought I was going to leave it to you one day?

Little Ben Healy:
Yeah.

Big Ben Healy:
Well I'm not. I'm selling to the Hirohito Corporation.

Little Ben Healy:
Well I still get the land don't I?

Big Ben Healy:
No you're not. I'm selling that too. Everything from here to the river.

Little Ben Healy:
What? Dad, I can't believe this. I slaved to you for 10 years without a raise or a promotion.

Big Ben Healy:
Is there a lesson to be learned from all this? How about don't trust anyone?

Little Ben Healy:
Not even your own father?

Big Ben Healy:
Especially your own father! You know what your problem is? You're too nice. I expected a little backstabbing from you. Some ruthless scrambling to get to the top. But you stubbornly refused to follow my example!

Junior:
I love the smell of spilled milk in the morning. It smells like victory.