Producers

Ulla:
Goddag på dig!

Leo Bloom:
Uh, I beg your pardon?

Ulla:
Goddag på dig!

Leo Bloom:
Ah, gut da! Max, have you gone mad? A receptionist who can't speak English? What will people say?

Max Bialystock:
They'll say, "A wuma wa wa wa wa!"

Max Bialystock:
That's it, baby, when you've got it, flaunt it, flaunt it!

Max Bialystock:
"Gregor Samsa awoke one morning to discover that he had been transformed into a giant cockroach." Nah, it's too good.

Franz Liebkind:
I am the author. You are the audience. I outrank you!

Max Bialystock:
Shut up, I'm having a rhetorical conversation.

Max Bialystock:
Max Bialystock is launching himself into little old lady land.

Max Bialystock:
Thank you, I knew I could con you.

Singer:
Don't be stupid, be a smarty. Come and join the Nazi party.

Franz Liebkind:
Not many people know it, but the Fuhrer was a terrific dancer.

Leo Bloom:
Let's assume, just for the moment, that you are a dishonest man.

Max Bialystock:
Assume away.

Max Bialystock:
That's exactly why we want to produce this play. To show the world the true Hitler, the Hitler you loved, the Hitler you knew, the Hitler with a song in his heart.

Leo Bloom:
Actors are not animals! They're human beings!

Max Bialystock:
They are? Have you ever eaten with one?

Franz Liebkind:
Hitler... there was a painter! He could paint an entire apartment in ONE afternoon! TWO coats!

Max Bialystock:
You're an accountant! You're in a noble profession! The word "count" is part of your title!

Max Bialystock:
You have exactly ten seconds to change that look of disgusting pity into one of enormous respect!

Leo Bloom:
I'm in pain and I'm wet and I'm still hysterical!

Max Bialystock:
I'm condemned by a society that demands success when all I can offer is failure!

Max Bialystock:
Bloom, I'm drowning. Other men sail through life, Bialystock has struck a reef. Bloom, I'm going under. I'm condemned by a society that demands success when all I can offer is failure. Bloom, I'm reaching out to you. Don't send me to prison... HEEELLP!

Concierge:
Who d'ya want?

Leo Bloom:
I beg your pardon?

Concierge:
Who d'ya want? Nobody gets in the building unless I know who they want. I'm the "concierge". My husband used to be the "concierge", but he's dead. Now I'M the "concierge".

Max Bialystock:
We are seeking Franz Liebkind.

Concierge:
Oh... the Kraut! He's on the top floor, apartment 23.

Max Bialystock:
Thank you...

Concierge:
...But you won't find him there... he's up on the roof with his boids. He keeps boids. Dirty... disgusting... filthy... lice-ridden boids. You used to be able to sit out on the stoop like a person. Not anymore! No, sir! Boids!... You get my drift?

Leo Bloom:
We... uh... get your "drift". Thank you, madam.

Concierge:
I'm not a "madam"! I'm a "concierge"!

Roger De Bris:
Will the dancing Hitlers please wait in the wings? We are only seeing singing Hitlers.

Max Bialystock:
Oooooooh, I WANT THAT MONEY!

Max Bialystock:
This pin used to hold a pearl the size of your eye. Look at me now, LOOK AT ME NOW! I'm wearing a cardboard belt!

Lorenzo St. DuBois:
Lorenzo, baby. Lorenzo St. DuBois. But my friends call me L.S.D.

Leo Bloom:
Oh my God!

Max Bialystock:
You mean "oops" don't you just say "oops" and get out!

Leo Bloom:
Ahahahahahahahaha

Max Bialystock:
Not "ahahahahahahah!" Oops!

Leo Bloom:
Oops!

Franz Liebkind:
Gentlemen. Ve have here a technical problem. Hmm? I do not know if vat ve have here is ze quick fuse or ze slow fuse. Ja, ja, I must find zis out.

Franz Liebkind:
Zis is critical.

Franz Liebkind:
Ha ha ha, ja ja, you see zis? You see zis here vat I have told you? Yeah, zis is an example of smartness here. I have said that zis is ze quick fuse. Huh? And zis IS ze quick fuse.

Max Bialystock:
How could this happen? I was so careful. I picked the wrong play, the wrong director, the wrong cast. Where did I go right?

Max Bialystock:
Here's to failure

Leo Bloom:
...To failure

Drunk:
Why, thank you! You're very kind!

Leo Bloom:
Ooh, I fell on my keys!

Roger De Bris:
Der Führer does not say, "Achtung, baby."

Doc Goebbels:
Danke schön, mein Führer.

Lorenzo St. DuBois:
Hey, you're a German.

Doc Goebbels:
We're all Germans.

Lorenzo St. DuBois:
That's right.

Lorenzo St. DuBois:
That means we CANNOT invade Germany.

Roger De Bris:
What have you done, L.S.D.?

Lorenzo St. DuBois:
About six months... but I'm on probation, so it's all good, baby!

Roger De Bris:
No, I mean, what do you do best?

Lorenzo St. DuBois:
I can't do that here. That's why they put me away, baby!

Max Bialystock:
Ulla! Go get car!

Ulla:
Ja, ja! We go to motel?

Max Bialystock:
No. I go with Mr. Bloom.

Ulla:
You and Mr. Bloom go to motel?

Max Bialystock:
No! Get car!

Ulla:
Get car!

Max Bialystock:
Leo, he who hesitates is poor!

Franz Liebkind:
Soon, I shall be with mein Führer... and Himmler. I'm coming to join you boys!

Max Bialystock:
Money is honey! Money is honey!

Lorenzo St. DuBois:
One and one's two/ Two and two's four/ I feel so bad 'cause I'm loosin' the war!

Max Bialystock:
Sing it out, men! Higher, you animals, higher! We open in Leavenworth Saturday night!

Drunk:
Eternally grateful... A TOAST!

Max Bialystock:
A TOAST!

Leo Bloom:
A TOAST... to what?

Drunk:
To... to toast, I love toast.

Max Bialystock:
To toast.

Leo Bloom:
To toast.