Puss in Boots

Kitty Softpaws:
[Sing-song voice] Someone forgot his money!

[She shows Puss his bag of money]

Kitty Softpaws:
I'll steal you blind and you won't even know I was there!

Tavern patron #1:
Show him the golden eggs.

[Tavern patron #2 begins to unzip his pants; cut to Puss]

Puss:
No! Please... you have shown enough.

Jill:
Alright cat give me them beans! Is it true a cat always lands on its feet?

Puss:
No! That is just a rumor spread by dogs!

Jill:
Well let's find out

Humpty Alexander Dumpty:
Are those new boots?

Puss:
No, they are the same boots I wore when you betrayed me!

Humpty Dumpty:
Betrayed you? You left me cracked in pieces on a bridge… surrounded by soldiers! They wrote a song about it!

Young Humpty Dumpty:
Well, we got red beans, we got green beans, coffee beans, lima beans… but no magic beans.

Young Puss:
Would you care for a jelly bean?

Young Humpty:
Oh, thank you.

Humpty:
I spent a lot of time in uh, prison preparing for this.

Puss:
You set me up?

Humpty:
Oh, yeah! I set you up, of course! You think this was all about getting the gold and clearing your name? This little adventure was about one thing - revenge. You never knew it, Puss, but I was always... there. [Puss remembers when Humpty Dumpty appears in different places, The old man's cottage, the bar, the hotel, the cats' hideout and how Humpty gets picked up by crows] You wanted to repay and old debt, Puss? Well, so did I.

Puss:
Why would you do this?

Humpty:
You left me on that bridge! You abandoned me when I needed you the most! What happened to "brothers forever?!"

Puss:
[infuriated] I only abandoned you, because you betrayed me! I TRUSTED you!

Humpty:
Well, now you're finally gonna know what it feels like, you know, to trust someone and have them stab you in the back?! GUARDS!!!

[The Comandante’s guards surround Puss]

Comandante:
Puss in Boots, you're under arrest for the robbery of the San Ricardo bank!

Humpty:
Consider this the final meeting of bean club, and you're left cracked pieces on the bridge. Comandante, you trying to kill me!

Puss:
[enraged] I should SCRAMBLE you with onions!!

Comandante:
[Humpty scared] They should be never have come back. [Humpty: Don't say that, Comandante.] Why not?

Comandante:
1 hat, 1 belt, and 2 boots… Once a symbol of honor. [a bottle of catnip falls out of his boot] 1 bottle of catnap?!

Puss:
Uh… it is for my glaucoma.

Prisoner:
WHOO! HO! No, no! Don't stop on my account? Well, it looks like the egg got what he wanted?

Puss:
You talking about Hump–?

Prisoner:
[stabbles] Don't say his name! I used to share this cell with that smelly thing. Happiest day of my life was when he left, till I realized he stole my magic beans.

Puss:
No wait, wait, wait! You had the beans? Who are you? [the prisoner has fallen asleep snoring loudly, Puss wakes him up] Hey! What's your name?

Prisoner:
Andy Beanstalk, but my friends call me Jack! I traded the family cow for them beans. Of course, it wasn't my family's cow, some other family's family cow. That's why I got 8 to 10 years. Always know which cow's yours… [falls asleep again snoring loudly]

Puss:
Crazy man. WAKE UP!!! [Andy wakes up again] What else do you know?

Prisoner (Andy "Jack" Beanstalk):
We're all goners, thanks to that little stinky! I told him! I told him not to take the goose, but all he wanted was his revenge!

Puss:
"Don't take the goose." But-- Why?! [Andy is fallen asleep again and he slaps him to wake him up]

Andy "Jack" Beanstalk:
[screams] The Great Terror! That's the Golden Goose's mama.

Puss:
Oh, no.

Andy Beanstalk:
And she will be out for blood when she comes back for her baby.

Puss:
I shall make you into an egg-salad sandwich!

Humpty:
[shrieks] That is disgusting!

Puss:
Give me the goose, Humpty.

Humpty:
No can do, I'm afraid. See, the mama's on her way and when she gets here, it's bye-bye San Ricardo, and everything you ever cared about.

Puss:
Revenge on me is one thing, but, why Imelda? Why the orphanage? This is our home.

Humpty:
You mean your home. [sighs] I never belonged here. We had a plan to get out of here, but then you became a hero and you picked this place over me. You left me with nothing.

Puss:
Humpty, I'm sorry I hurt you. But do not take it out on these people. You are better than this.

Humpty:
No, I'm not.

Puss:
Oh, come on! I know the real Humpty. The way you saw the world, the inventor, the dreamer! What happened to that guy?

[They both hear the sound of the mama goose as she gets nearer]

Humpty:
I think it's too late.

Puss:
It is never too late to do the right thing. Together we can save San Ricardo! I can forgive you, Humpty, if you help me now.

Humpty:
Really? After everything I put you through.

Puss:
Prove to me there is still a good egg in you.

Humpty:
I'll try.

Humpty:
[holding onto the rope] Here we are again. Right, Puss?

Puss:
I will not leave you behind this time, Humpty.

Humpty:
[remorseful] I'm sorry, Puss. I've made a mess out of everything. I'm a rotten egg. I'm not a person. I'm not a bird, I'm not even a food. I don't know what I am.

Puss:
You are what you have always been, my brother.

Humpty:
Brothers forever. [almost grabs Puss' paw but starts losing his grip] You can't save us both.

Puss:
Yes, I can. Just hang on.

Humpy:
Puss, you have to save the baby or the mama will destroy San Ricardo. It’s the right thing to do.

Puss:
I will not let you go, Humpty.

Humpty:
[final words] I know you won’t. So I won’t make you choose. [closes his eyes and let us go of the rope, falling to his death]

Puss:
Humpty!

Puss In Boots:
[first lines of the film; voice over] Through the years, I have been known by many names. Diablo Gato, The Furry Lover, Chupacabra, Frisky Two Times, and then The Gingerhead Man. But to most, I am Puss in Boots! [whispers] Outlaw.

Puss In Boots:
Don't make the cat angry...

Puss In Boots:
You made the cat angry. You do not want to make the cat angry! [pulls his claws out, causing the bandit behind him to lose his pants]

Puss In Boots:
How dare you do the litterbox on me! [offended, when the mysterious cat makes a dancing move similiar to the movements of a cat hiding their wastes in the sand of their litterbox]

Puss In Boots:
Fear me, if you dare!

Puss In Boots:
Hello? You are hiding from me? I like to play the games, too. I sense in you a kindred spirit. A... [he takes sniff of the air] I smell something familiar, something dangerous, something breakfasty.

Puss In Boots:
[voice over] It was the year in which the rain had not fallen. The wind was big and the basket was small. For days I bounced along. A hungry little kitten with no milk, no mama and no litter box. Until I came to rest at a home for lost children.

Puss In Boots:
[voice over] I lost everything I cared about that day. My brother, my honor, my home. All I thought about was the disappointment in my mama's eyes. And I have been running ever since. [back to the present as he's finishing telling his story to Kitty] The egg betrayed me. His lies cost me everything.

Puss In Boots:
[about his catnip] It's for my glaucoma.

Puss In Boots:
I will not leave you behind this time, Humpty.

Puss In Boots:
You are what you have always been: my brother.

Puss In Boots:
I always knew that you were good inside. [The Great Terror and the Golden Goose take the golden egg and fly off] Goodbye, Humpty.

Puss In Boots:
[last lines; voice over] This is the story of a cat who became a hero. An outlaw dedicated to justice and a lover of beautiful women. A great, great lover. Really, it is crazy. I am Puss in Boots! And my name would become legend.

Kitty Softpaws:
I'm called Kitty Softpaws, because I'll steal you blind and you'll never notice that I'm there.

Humpty Alexander Dumpty:
It’s been a long time, brother.

Humpty Alexander Dumpty:
Are those new boots? [Puss: No! They are the same boots I wore when you betrayed me.] Betrayed you? You left me cracked in pieces on a bridge, surrounded by soldiers! They wrote a song about it!

Humpty Alexander Dumpty:
I’m sorry, okay? How long are you going to hold a grudge? It’s been 7 years! That’s like 35 cat years! You need me and I... I need you, Puss. Do you have any idea what they do to eggs in San Ricardo's prison? I'll tell you this, my friend: it ain't over easy!

Humpty Alexander Dumpty:
Listen, a day… a day doesn’t go by when I don’t think about what I lost. I lost my best friend, my only friend. And I get it now, I got greedy and desperate and I let you down, I let myself down. All I’m asking for, Puss, is a second chance. Give me that second chance and I’ll help repay you back San Ricardo. Please, Puss. Let me show you what our friendship mean to me.

Humpty Alexander Dumpty:
Well, we got red beans, we got green beans, coffee beans, lima beans… but no magic beans. [Puss: Would you care for a jelly beans?] Oh, thank you.

Humpty Alexander Dumpty:
Somewhere down there, there are two little kids, I don't know, maybe orphans, and they're laying on a hill staring at the clouds, dreaming about the future. That was me and you, Puss. Me and you.

Humpty Alexander Dumpty:
You mean your home. I… I never belonged here. We had a plan to get out of here, but then you became a hero and you picked this place over me. You left me with nothing.

Humpty Alexander Dumpty:
I'm sorry, Puss. I made a mess out of everything. I'm a rotten egg. I'm not a person, I'm not a bird, I'm not even a food. I don't know what I am.

Humpty Alexander Dumpty:
Brothers forever.

Humpty Alexander Dumpty:
[Last words before his death] Puss, you have to save the baby or the mama will destroy San Ricardo. It’s the right thing to do. [Puss: I will not let you go, Humpty.] I know you won’t. So I won’t make you choose.

Puss:
One ring, please.

Puss:
(chuckles) So funny.

Kitty:
You hit me in the head with a GUITAR?!

Comandante:
You saved my mother.

Comandante:
Señor Puss, he's a hero!

Comandante:
You disgrace those boots!

Comandante:
[to his guards] Arrest them!

Comandante:
FREEZE!!!

Comandante:
[to Puss; playing the guitar] Puss in Boots?! What are you doing with the guitar and those boots?! Arrest him!