Quiz Show

Herbie Stemple:
I love my wife, but it's like living with a plague of locusts.

Mark Van Doren:
What these books have conclusively proven is that the diffence between men and women is exactly 38 pages.

Mark Van Doren:
Not before I quote me.

Dorothy Van Doren:
His own quotes are his greatest pleasure.

Dorothy Van Doren:
How could they tell?

Mark Van Doren:
Oh, please. Don't get Dorothy started on politics. There'll be a raid.

Herbie Stemple:
You know why they call them Indians? Because Columbus thought he was in India. They're "Indians" because some white guy got lost.

Mark Van Doren:
Cheating on a quiz show? That's sort of like plagiarizing a comic strip.

Herbie Stemple:
Come and see Herbie Stempel get thrown to the Columbia lions! Watch Charles Van Doren eat his first kosher meal in his life.

Dan Enright:
How much do they pay instructors up at Columbia?

Charles Van Doren:
Eighty-six dollars a week.

Dan Enright:
Do you have any idea how much Bozo the Clown makes?

Charles Van Doren:
Well... we, we can't all be Bozo the Clown.

Herbie Stemple:
You wanna be worshipped? Go to India and moo.

Mark Van Doren:
If you look around the table and you can't tell who the sucker is, it's you.

Mark Van Doren:
Sixty-four thousand dollars for a question, I hope they are asking you the meaning of life.

Herbie Stemple:
And they love me for the same reason they used to hate me, because I'm the guy who knows everything.

Herbie Stemple:
Don't do this to me, it's humiliating.

Enright:
For seventy grand, Herb, you can afford to be humiliated.

Dick Goodwin:
I know you're lying.

Charles Van Doren:
Bluffing. The word is bluffing.

Mark Van Doren:
Why don't you just put it in the bank Charlie? That's what I've always done with my prize money.

Charles Van Doren:
It's just, you don't understand dad, it's, there are all sorts of tax implications

Mark Van Doren:
You Think I can't understand the concept of taxes.

Charles Van Doren:
At this level it's a bit more complicated.

Mark Van Doren:
And at my level? I never thought of myself as having a level. What level might that be?

Dick Goodwin:
21 is rigged and I can prove it... I have Enright cold and that means I have you.

Kitner:
Really?

Dick Goodwin:
Really.

Kitner:
Then how come you're the one who's sweating?

Herbie Stemple:
You want to know what? If I do nothing else I will convince them that Hebert Stemple knows what won the God-damned Academy Award for best God-damned picture of 1955; that's what I'm gonna accomplish.

Albert Freedman:
It's not like we're hardened criminals here. We're in show business.

Charles Van Doren:
I've stood on the shoulders of life and I've never gotten down into the dirt to build, to erect a foundation of my own. I've flown too high on borrowed wings. Everything came too easy.

Dick Goodwin:
I asked myself, "why would he do this, he knows I'll come after him?" Then it occurred to me. He knows I'll come after him.

Toby Stempel:
My mother wants to know why you only went for eight on the movies.

Herbie Stemple:
Because my real expertise is pain-in-the-ass in-laws, all right?

Herbie Stemple:
You know what the problem with you bums is? You never leave a guy alone unless you're leaving him alone.

Congressman Derounian:
I'm happy that you've made the statement. But I cannot agree with most of my colleagues. See, I don't think an adult of your intellegence should be commended for simply, at long last, telling the truth.

Mark Van Doren:
Was it the Hawthorne or the sin?

Albert Freedman:
If you were a kid, would you wanna be an annoying Jewish guy with a side wall haircut?

Charles Van Doren:
Well I wanted to be Joe Dimaggio.

Albert Freedman:
Oh yeah, me too. Especially after he signed for that hundred grand.

Jack Barry:
Eleven points will bring you to 21 and you will be our new champion! Because of a disagreement with his commanding general, Ulysses S. Grant was virtually placed under arrest for a brief time early in 1862. Who was the commanding general of the Union army at that time? Tough question.

Charles Van Doren:
Just so oddly familiar.

Mark Van Doren:
Your name is mine!