Raising Arizona

H.I.:
If it's all the same to you, Honey, I think I'll skip this little get together, slip out with the boys and knock back a couple of Coca Colas.

H.I.:
I guess that wouldn't be such a good idea.

Gale:
So many social engagements, so little time.

Ed McDonnough:
This ain't family life!

H.I.:
Well... it sure ain't "Ozzie and Harriet."

Leonard Smalls:
You want to find an outlaw, hire an outlaw. You want to find a Dunkin' Donuts, call a cop.

H.I.:
Biology and other peoples' opinions conspired to keep us childless.

H.I.:
There's right and there's right and never the t'wain shall meet.

Evelle:
H.I., you're young and you got your health, what you want with a job?

H.I.:
No sir. That's one bonehead name, but that ain't me anymore.

H.I.:
No sir, no way.

H.I.:
Well, then I guess I am telling you what you want to hear.

H.I.:
Yes, sir.

Glen:
Say that reminds me, how'd you get that kid so darn fast? Me and Dot went in to adopt on account a' somethin' went wrong with my semen, and they said we had to wait five years for a healthy white baby. I said, "Healthy white baby? Five years? What else you got?" Said they got two Koreans and a negra born with his heart on the outside. It's a crazy world.

H.I.:
Someone oughta sell tickets.

Glen:
Sure, I'd buy one.

H.I.:
Sometimes it's a hard world for small things.

Nathan Arizona Sr.:
Dammit, are you boys gonna chase down your leads or are you gonna sit drinkin' coffee in the one house in the state where I know my boy ain't at?

Ed McDonnough:
You mean you busted out of jail.

Evelle:
No, ma'am. We released ourselves on our own recognizance.

Gale:
What my brother here means to say is that we felt that the institution no longer had anything to offer us.

Glen:
How many Pollacks it take to screw up a lightbulb?

H.I.:
I don't know, Glen. One?

Glen:
Nope, it takes three.

Glen:
Wait a minute, I told it wrong. Here, I'm startin' over: How come it takes three Pollacks to screw up a lightbulb?

H.I.:
I don't know, Glen.

Glen:
'Cause they're so darn stupid!

Glen:
Sh*t, man, loosen up! Don't ya get it?

H.I.:
No, Glen, I sure don't.

Glen:
Sh*t, man, think about it! I guess it's what they call a "way homer."

H.I.:
Why's that?

Glen:
'Cause you only get it on the way home.

H.I.:
I'm already home, Glen.

Leonard Smalls:
Name's Smalls. Leonard Smalls. My friends call me Lenny... only I ain't got no friends.

H.I.:
And make it quick, I'm in dutch with the wife.

Nathan Arizona Sr.:
You got a table and chairs, you gotta dinette set. You gotta table and no chairs, you got dick.

H.I.:
And this here's the TV. Two hours a day, either educational or football, so you don't ruin your appreciation of the finer things.

H.I.:
I tried to stand up and fly straight, but it wasn't easy with that sumbitch Reagan in the White House. I dunno. They say he's a decent man, so maybe his advisors are confused.

Nathan Arizona Sr.:
You want that $25,000 reward, you go ahead and claim it. What's there to talk about?

Leonard Smalls:
Price. A fair price. That's not what you say it is, and it's not what I say it is... It's what the market will bear. Now there's people - and I know 'em - who'll pay a lot more than $25,000 for a healthy baby. Why, I myself fetched $30,000 on the black market. And that was in 1954 dollars.

H.I.:
Prison life is structured - more'n some people care for.

Nathan Arizona Sr.:
Of course he was wearing his jammies nobody sleeps naked in this house.

Nathan Arizona Sr.:
I don't what is damn jammies looked like... they had Yodas and sh*t on them.

Ed McDonnough:
Gimme that baby, you wart-hog from hell!

Prison Counsellor:
Why do you say you feel "trapped" in a man's body.

"Trapped" Convict:
Well, sometimes I get them menstrual cramps real hard.

H.I.:
Edwina's insides were a rocky place where my seed could find no purchase.

Gale:
Anyone found bipedal in five wears his ass for a hat!

Evelle:
Do these blow into funny shapes and all?

Grocer:
Well, no, unless round is funny.

Gale:
You understand, H.I.? If this works out, it's just the beginning of a spree to cover the entire southwest proper. And we keep going until we can retire. Or we get caught.

Evelle:
Either way, we're fixed for life.

H.I.:
We figured there was too much happiness here for just the two of us, so we figured the next logical step was to have us a critter.

Ear-Bending Cellmate:
...and when there was no meat, we ate fowl and when there was no fowl, we ate crawdad and when there was no crawdad to be found, we ate sand.

H.I.:
You ate what?

Ear-Bending Cellmate:
We ate sand.

H.I.:
You ate SAND?

Ear-Bending Cellmate:
That's right!

Nathan Arizona Sr.:
Well, this is nothing but a goddamn shakedown and a screwjob, any way you look at it!

Evelle:
Awfully fine cereal flakes ya got, Mrs. McDonough.

Gale:
Well, H.I., looks like you've been up to the devil's business.

Dot:
Now you take that diaper off your head and you put it back on your sister!

Nathan Arizona Sr.:
Hell, they're all disgruntled. I aint running no damn daisy farm. My motto is "Do it my way or watch your butt!"

Nathan Arizona Sr.:
Oh, don't make me laugh. Without my say-so they wouldn't piss with their pants on fire.

Gale:
Alright ya' hayseeds, it's a stick-up. Everybody freeze. Everybody down on the ground.

Old Man in bank:
Well, which is it young feller? You want I should freeze or get down on the ground? Mean to say, if'n I freeze, I can't rightly drop. And if'n I drop, I'ma gonna be in motion. You see...

Gale:
Shut up!

Old Man in bank:
Okay then.

Gale:
Everybody down on the ground!

Evelle:
Y'all can just forget that part about freezin' now.

Gale:
Better still to get down there.

Evelle:
Yeah, y'all hear that, don't ya'?

Gale:
Sh*t! Where'd all the tellers go?

Evelle:
They're on the floor as you commanded, Gale.

Gale:
Why ain't you breast-feeding? You appear to be capable.

Ed McDonnough:
Mind your own bid'ness.

Evelle:
Ma'am, you don't breast-feed him, he'll hate you for it later. That's why we wound up in prison.

Gale:
Anyway, that's what Doc Schwartz tells us.

Hayseed in the Pickup:
Son, you got a panty on your head.

Nathan Arizona Sr.:
If a frog had wings, it wouldn't bump its ass a- hoppin'. Look, it is exactly 8:45 in the PM. I'll be down at that store in exactly 24 hours to kick me some butt. Or my name ain't Nathan Arizona!

Nathan Arizona Sr.:
I got the cops and the Federal BI out there lookin' for my boy...

Leonard Smalls:
Cops won't find your boy. A cop couldn't find his butt if it had a bell on it.

Glen:
Okay, so this Pollack walks into a bar, carrying a pile of dog sh*t in his hand, and he says "Look what I almost stepped in.

Nathan Arizona Sr.:
A dinner jacket - whaddaya think? He was wearin' his damn jammies! They had Yodas 'n sh*t on 'em!

Glen:
Say, did you hear about the person of the Polish persuasion who walked into a bar with a big 'ol pile of sh*t in his hands and he says, "Look what I almost stepped in"?

H.I.:
A man for a husband.

Ed McDonnough:
That ain't no answer.

H.I.:
Honey, that's the only answer.

Ed McDonnough:
That ain't no answer.

Ed McDonnough:
We finally go out with decent people and you break his nose. That ain't too funny, Hi.

H.I.:
His kids seemed to think it was funny.

Ed McDonnough:
Well they're just kids.

Ed McDonnough:
Give me that baby, you warthog from hell!

H.I.:
Do you ever get the feeling that there's something... Powerful pressing down on you?

Glen:
Yes, I know that feeling. I told Dot to lose some weight but she don't wanna listen.

Nathan Arizona Sr.:
Yeah, I changed my name. What of it?

Nathan Arizona Sr.:
Would you shop at a store called Unpainted Huffheins?

H.I.:
This is Gale and Evelle Snoats. As fine a pair as ever... broke and entered!

Gale:
Got you on an awful short leash, don't she, H.I.?

Nathan Arizona Sr.:
You know what I think? I think you're an evil man. I think this is a shakedown. It's nothing but a Goddamn screw-job. I think you took Nathan Jr.

Nathan Arizona Sr.:
And you, my fine friend, are the one who's gonna get his butt kicked.

Nathan Arizona Sr.:
If you're looking for furniture or a shitbox, out there is the sales floor.

Leonard Smalls:
I'm not a customer. I'm a manhunter. But I do hunt babies on occasion. I heard tell you got one you can't put your hand to.

Nathan Arizona Sr.:
How do you know about that?

Leonard Smalls:
That's my job. I'm a tracker. Some say part hound dog.

Gale:
Here you are sitting on your butt playing house with a... Don't get me wrong, H.I., a fine woman but one who seems like she needs one of those button-down types.

Gale:
I know you're partial to convenient stores, but dammit, H.I., the sun doesn't rise and set on the corner grocery.

Nathan Arizona Sr.:
That's you're forte, ain't it? Chasing down crooks and Commies and sh*t. That's you're whole Goddamn raison d'etre ain't it?

Evelle:
I got me some baby grub, baby wipes, diapers, then disposable kind. I also got a package of balloons.

Gale:
They blow up into funny shapes and all?

Evelle:
No, just circular.

Evelle:
Promise we ain't never gonna leave him again, Gale. Promise me we ain't never gonna give him up.

Gale:
We ain't never gonna give him up again, Evelle. He's our little Gale Jr. now.

Nathan Arizona Sr.:
Yeah: Watch your butts.

Evelle:
You know how to put these on?

Grocer:
Well, around the butt and over the groin area.

Evelle:
Do I need pins or something?

Grocer:
They got them tape-ettes already on there. It's self-contained and fairly explanatory.

Nathan Arizona Sr.:
All right, boy, I guess you got a reward coming. Twenty-five thousand dollars. Or, if you need home furnishings, I can give you a line of credit at any of my stores. In fact, that's the way I'd rather handle it. Tax reasons.

Ed McDonnough:
We don't want no reward. We didn't bring him back for money.

Nathan Arizona Sr.:
We can work it that way, too!

FBI Investigator:
Is it true your name was originally 'Nathan Huffheinz'?

Nathan:
Yeah, what of it?

FBI Investigator:
Why did you change it?

Nathan:
Would you buy furniture from a place called "Unpainted Huffheinz"?

H.I. McDunnough:
(to the cashier) I'll be taking these Huggies and whatever cash ya got.

Edwina 'Ed' McDunnough:
That sum'b*tch. That son of a b*tch! (runs out of the car and yells outside the store window) You son of a b*tch!

H.I. McDunnough:
And make it quick, I'm in dutch with the wife.

Edwina 'Ed' McDunnough:
(loudly) YOU SON OF A B*TCH!!!! (gets inside the car and quickly drives away)

Moses:
An' when they was no meat we ate fowl. An'when they was no fowl we ate crawdad. An' when they was no crawdad to be foun', we ate San'.

HI:
You ate what?

Moses:
(nodding): We ate San'.

HI:
You ate sand?!

Moses:
Dass right . . .

Nathan:
Who the hell are you?

Leonard:
Smalls. Leonard Smalls. My friends call me Lenny. But I got no friends.

Nathan:
Stop you're gonna make me bust out cryin.

Evelle:
Balloons. (He unhooks a bag of balloons.) Hey. These blow up into funny shapes at all?

Cashier:
Well naw. Unless round is funny.

“Son, you got a panty on your head.”

H.I. Mcdunnough:
At first I didn't believe it--that this woman, who looked as fertile as the Tennessee Valley, could not bear children. But the doctor explained that her insides were a rocky place where my seed could find no purchase.

H.I. Mcdunnough:
KEEP YOUR GODDAMN HANDS OFF MY WIFE!

H.I. Mcdunnough:
Nathan needs some Huggies, I'll be out directly. Mind you stay strapped in.

H.I. Mcdunnough:
Now, y'all who're without sin can cast the first stone.

H.I. Mcdunnough:
I'll be taking these Huggies and whatever cash you got.

H.I. Mcdunnough:
That night I had a dream. I dreamt I was as light as the ether, a floating spirit visiting things to come. The shades and shadows of the people in my life rassled their way into my slumber. I dreamt that Gale and Evelle had decided to return to prison. Probably that's just as well. I don't mean to sound superior, and they're a swell couple of guys, but maybe they weren't ready yet to come out into the world.And then I dreamed on, into the future, to a Christmas morn in the Arizona home where Nathan Junior was opening a present from a kindly couple who preferred to remain unknown. I saw Glen a few years later, still having no luck getting the cops to listen to his wild tales about me and Ed. Maybe he threw in one Polack joke too many. I don't know. And still I dreamed on, further into the future than I'd ever dreamed before, watching Nathan Junior's progress from afar, taking pride in his accomplishments, as if he were our own, wonderin' if he ever thought of us, and hopin' that maybe we'd broadened his horizons a little, even if he couldn't remember just how they got broadened.But still I hadn't dreamt nothin' about me 'n Ed, until the end. And this was cloudier, 'cause it was years, years away. But I saw an old couple bein' visited by their children, and all their grandchildren too. The old couple wasn't screwed up, and neither were their kids or their grandkids... And I don't know. You tell me. This whole dream, was it wishful thinkin'? Was I just fleeing reality like I know I'm liable to do? But me and Ed, we can be good, too. And it seemed real. It seemed like us, and it seemed like, well, our home. If not Arizona, then a land not too far away, where all parents are strong and wise and capable, and all children are happy and beloved. I don't know. Maybe it was Utah.

Edwina 'Ed' Mcdunnough:
My fie-ance left me!

Edwina 'Ed' Mcdunnough:
Now mind his li'l fontanelle!

Edwina 'Ed' Mcdunnough:
Turn to the right!

Edwina 'Ed' Mcdunnough:
(to Smalls) GIVE ME THAT BABY YOU WARTHOG FROM HELL!

Edwina 'Ed' Mcdunnough:
I LOVE HIM! I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!

Gale Snoats:
We didn't escape, we released ourselves on our own recognizance.

Nathan Arizona Sr.:
And if a frog had wings he wouldn't bump his ass a-hoppin'.

Nathan Arizona Sr.:
I don't know what his damn jammies looked like... they had Yodas and sh*t on them.

Nathan Arizona Sr.:
Nobody sleeps naked in this house boy!

Nathan Arizona Sr.:
800 leaf tables and no chairs. You can't sell leaf tables and no chairs. Chairs you got a dinette set, no chairs you got dick! I ask my wife she got more sense.

Nathan Arizona Sr.:
Christian Dior, my butt!

Nathan Arizona Sr.:
Would you buy furniture from Unpainted Huffheinz?

Glen:
I said, "Healthy white baby? Five years? What else you got?" Said they got two Koreans and a negra born with his heart on the outside. It's a crazy world.

Glen:
(Glass crashing in background) Mind you don't cut yourself, Mordecai.

Glen:
I'm crappin' you negative.

Glen:
First you're fired. And that's official.

Payroll Cashier:
Government do take a bite, don't she?

Hayseed:
Well, which is it young fella? You want I should freeze or get down on the ground? Mean to say, iffen I freeze, I can't rightly drop. And iffen I drop, I'm a gonna be in motion.

Dot:
You gotta get 'em diptet boosters yearly or else they'll develop lockjaw and night vision.

Dot:
That there's for his orthodonture and his university. You soak his thumb in iodine and you might get by without the orthodonture, but it won't knock a thing off the university.

Various Characters:
Okay, then.

"Aw, HI, you're young and you got your health. What do you want with a job"?

H.I. Mcdunnough:
Prison life is more structured than most men care for.

Nathan Arizona Sr.:
Everyone leaves microbes and whatnot. Hell, that’s your forte ain’t it, tracking down them microbes left by criminals and commies n’ sh*t. That's your whole God-damn raison d'etre, ain't it?