Raising Hope

The Ghost of Arbor Day:
There's a saying in the ghost world: "Behind every bald man there's a ball-busting woman."

Maw Maw:
[Family is trying to come up with ideas for an invention contest] What about a TV channel just for news? [pauses and thinks] Wait; they'll have to fill up too many hours and resort to sensationalizing non issues and stirring up partisan bickering. Scratch that idea, it sucks.

Virginia Chance:
I'm listening, so you get back in there and stop procrasturbating.

Barney:
So here's Smokey Waters!

Smokey:
Thanks, Kenny.

Barney:
My name is Barney.

Jimmy Chance:
[spurning her advance] I don't want to do this.

Shelley:
Is it the tooth? Cuz I've got whiteout in my purse...

Maw Maw:
I quit smoking in 1971.

Virginia Chance:
You did?

Maw Maw:
Yeah, I quit when Virginia was born.

Virginia Chance:
You quit smoking for me?

Maw Maw:
If you're Virginia, yeah.

Jimmy Chance:
Do you know anything about gay people?

Burt Chance:
I think sometimes they like to wear handkerchiefs.

Jimmy Chance:
Okay, I can work with that.

Burt Chance:
Do you need to... buy a handkerchief?

Jimmy Chance:
What? No!

Burt Chance:
'Cause it'd be cool if you did.

Burt Chance:
And I've got oodles of time. I think. "Oodles" is a gay form of measurement, right?

Burt Chance:
I don't care what those guys running for president say, this is the best country in the world.

Burt Chance:
[after suggesting going to a gay bar with Jimmy] I have always wanted to know what goes on in those places. Who buys the drinks? Do they have a women's bathroom, or just twice as many urinals? If you say to the bartender, "I'm in the mood for some nuts," what do you get? When you think about it, I'm super gay-curious!

Virginia Chance:
I think we're still on the good side of weird here.

Maw Maw:
New York Times crossword, you are my b*tch.

Virginia Chance:
[Picking up box of video tapes] We need to burn these and not just anywhere. I think we should burn them in a church.

Burt Chance:
Wakey Burt makes promises Sleepy Burt can't keep.

Shelley:
[singing] Your knowledge of racial slurs is quite extensive, and saying certain words can be offensive, we weren't so equal many years ago, back then prejudice was status quo, people's brains were in their behind, and yours is stuck in 1949, HEY!

Barney:
You can only turn your underwear inside out once.

Jimmy Chance:
Hey, I talked to a cute girl at the grocery store yesterday.

Burt Chance:
Has she killed anyone?

Dana:
Your girlfriend's pretty clever. For her last meal she asked for a McRib and a Shamrock Shake. That should buy her a few months. Those two are almost never available at teh same limited time.

Jimmy Chance:
[after child Jimmy pulls his head out of the hole in the floor of the car, flashes to adult Jimmy] I can't believe I'm alive.

Jimmy Chance:
[coming home from work] There's gotta be more to life that cleaning the same pool over and over again.

Virginia Chance:
[leaving for work] There isn't.

Maw Maw:
Who the hell are you?

Mike Chance:
I'm Mike, Jimmy's cousin. You and I are related by divorce or something. I live in a tent in your laundry room.

Virginia Chance:
[about the baby] Go drop it at the fire station.

Virginia Chance:
[to the baby] You wanna go see the fire trucks, pun'kin? Hmm?

Virginia Chance:
We are the town that voted to make our official bird the middle finger.

Burt Chance:
Sabrina's rich!

Virginia Chance:
That must be why she knows so much about cheese...

Virginia Chance:
Lobster doesn't grow on trees... I think. Who knows what goes on under the sea.

Virginia Chance:
Jimmy, if you don't make a move soon, you're gonna get stuck in the Friend Zone. And that is a real thing, I saw it on Friends. Ross and Rachel were stuck in it; it made for some good episodes, but poor Ross was in hell.

Sabrina:
[thinking she's caught the man who stole the car the Chances were driving, furiously confronting him face-to-face, and letting the man also know the she is a fan of John Carpenter's They Live] I came here to deliver a boat and have a nice vacation. Right now I'm all out of vacation.

Sabrina:
Okay, it's called geophagy. I sense you have questions. Go ahead!

Burt Chance:
[breathes a sigh of relief] Do you have to wash your hands before you eat dirt? If it falls on the ground is there a five second rule? Have you ever tried sand? Is Mexican dirt spicy? If you swallow an apple seed will you poop a tree?

Maw Maw:
[Looking at herself in the mirror, baffled by the fake beard on her face, not comprehending that she's been dressed up as Josef for Virginia's Nativity display] Who the hell moved my vagina?

Church Member:
[as Jimmy, dressed up as one of the Three Wise Men of the East, holds up high the last available copy of the most-wanted toy of the year, offering it for auction] It's the Baby Sneezes!

Virginia Chance:
[in sarcastic "festive spirit" voice, with fake smile] Hi, Kate! See you at Christmas Eve, you judgmental b*tch!