Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares

Gordon Ramsay:
I will spank your ass.

Tim Gray:
[last lines; Bonapartes' head chef, Tim, has just been fired] It's beyond recognition, really, isn't it? How f***ing stupid someone can be. I just don't want to...

Director:
[off-camera] And who is that someone, Tim?

Tim Gray:
Oh, that would be me. That would be me, pretty much. Yeah.

Gordon Ramsay:
F***ing limp dick in the kitchen, you know that? Go get some f***ing energy. F***ing twenty-one for God's sake - you should be getting f***ing twelve hard-on's a day; not one a f***ing month.

Gordon Ramsay:
Raz is so proud of his Bollywood palace, that he's prepared to bend the truth a little to get it noticed. [say Gordon in a voiceover as he approaches the Curry Lounge for the first time]

Gordon Ramsay:
Restaurant Awards, Best Indian Restaurant. Wow. Hold on a minute... runner up in two-o-seven. Bullshitting f***er. [reading the wording on the windows]

Gordon Ramsay:
Hey, pinky!

Gordon Ramsay:
[opening line] D-place cafe-bar is in D-sh*t.

Gordon Ramsay:
Have you lost the plot?

Chef Philip Blaze:
No.

Gordon Ramsay:
Have you gone a little bit f***ing bonjour?

Chef Philip Blaze:
No.

Gordon Ramsay:
And for as long as I've got a hole in my butt, big boy, those f***in' potatoes have been in the deep fat fryer.

Gordon Ramsay:
The chicken is raw. Now, um, unfortunately I, ah, I can't afford to f*** off and die right now, and I don't want to catch salmonella in f***ing Derby. Um, put that straight in the bin.

Assistant cook:
Yeah.

Gordon Ramsay:
Yeah. I've been poisoned once before and it's not going to f***ing happen again.

Gordon Ramsay:
Everybody knows I have a lot of respect for TV chef Antony Worrall Thompson. [in a voiceover as he talks to Antony on a cellphone, trying to sell the car with the pricey plate 1A 6HEF]

Chef Antony Worrall Thompson:
Ummm, not really my cup of tea, Gordon.

Gordon Ramsay:
Not your cup of tea? I didn't think it would be, you know that? And we know you're not in need of a penis extension.

Chef Antony Worrall Thompson:
Not quite.

Gordon Ramsay:
Exactly that.

Gordon Ramsay:
He's going to sh*t his French nickers.

Gordon Ramsay:
You're such a little f***er, you know that?

Gordon Ramsay:
Dear Lord, for what I'm about to recieve, may I not be poisoned for the fourth time in four months. Amen. [after getting his first plate of food]

Gordon Ramsay:
Have a little taste. It's quite tough, no? [having her try the tough Duck a l'Orange he was served]

Female Server:
That's really difficult, yeah.

Gordon Ramsay:
I know. You sure you want to spit it out? [offering her a cloth to spit it out in]

Female Server:
No. [laughing]

Gordon Ramsay:
Are you going to swallow?

Female Server:
Not at the moment, no.

Gordon Ramsay:
Give you some? It's still in there. [first offering he some drink]

Female Server:
Um hum.

Gordon Ramsay:
You're still chewing...

Female Server:
Oh my God.

Gordon Ramsay:
Don't swallow it.

Gordon Ramsay:
Irvine, you're being a little f***er again.

Gordon Ramsay:
No disrespect, I've gone into restaurants before where everybody's been nervous about the existing old farting, boring bastards that sit there and take a two week holiday inbetween courses and dribble for hours. Does Viagra come with the coffee? No. We're looking for new, vibrant, young exciting cotumers that are going to be loyal to this place for the next ten years. Can we f*** off in the kitchen now?

Gordon Ramsay:
Even my pubes are going grey.

Gordon Ramsay:
Right, where's that French little f***er?

Gordon Ramsay:
Oh, sh*t - it's still purple.

Gordon Ramsay:
It's like me inviting you to my restaurant and f***ing your omelette.

Gordon Ramsay:
Oh, for God's sake - they still kept it purple. And on a sunny day it still looks like a shithole.

Gordon Ramsay:
It looks like a cremated turd.

Gordon Ramsay:
Not again. Not again. Not again... bollocks!

Gordon Ramsay:
It's like f***ing baby vomit.

Chef Philip Lee:
I feel in more control. I just say that and f***ing knock the salt over. F***ing L. What a twat.

Gordon Ramsay:
A good restaurant does one type of food brilliantly. A bad one does fifty types incompetently.

Gordon Ramsay:
A chef without self-confidence is like a car without wheels.

Gordon Ramsay:
Light my f***ing fire.

Gordon Ramsay:
How about 'Thank you', you miserable wee b*tch? That's right, with a capital f***ing B. [to Rachel, as he cooks in the kitchen and she stands there unappreciative]

Gordon Ramsay:
This could be the first time in years Nick's faced a full-sized vegetable.

Gordon Ramsay:
Nick, don't burn your mackerel.

Gordon Ramsay:
Look at your mushrooms - they look like f***ing tadpoles on Viagra.

Gordon Ramsay:
You tiny little f***er. [to Tim]

Gordon Ramsay:
Rumor has it that I'm a bit of a gay icon, yeah. I'm featured in the top ten last year and, ah, yeah, bit of a worry; every year we're going up.

Gordon Ramsay:
You'd think for fifty-five quid they'd take the sh*t-sack out of the lobster, wouldn't you?

Gordon Ramsay:
It looks like someone's put a dog's dick in the f***ing oyster.

Alex:
We should sell nothing else tonight except bullocks, because it's so fresh.

Gordon Ramsay:
Pollock.

Alex:
Pollock, sorry.

Gordon Ramsay:
Not bullocks.

Gordon Ramsay:
Any last words?

Gordon Ramsay:
F*** you.

Gordon Ramsay:
Where is that little f***er?

Gordon Ramsay:
There's got to be plates wrapped up in clin' film somewhere!

Gordon Ramsay:
Chris, two salads on the menu, yes? Make them up and present them, yeah, to grumpy bullocks

Gordon Ramsay:
But there's a problem in this Italian stallion's plan for culinary world domination. [in a voiceover after Mike talks about his ambitions from various cook books]

Gordon Ramsay:
Are you in love with blue as much as Mike?

Caron Ciminera:
No.

Gordon Ramsay:
Thank f*** for that.

Gordon Ramsay:
Ding, ding - round f***ing two.

Gordon Ramsay:
That's why you're in the sh*t, you f***ing fat idiot!

Gordon Ramsay:
So I don't know who's tellin' you porkies?, but the carvery's f***ed and the Priory's in the sh*t.

Gordon Ramsay:
Sister Wendy is about to jump me.

Gordon Ramsay:
It's like King Kong's f***ing condom. Look at it.

Gordon Ramsay:
Try not to throw it on there, yeah? We're f***ing cooking, not playing darts. [after Toby throws a piece of meat onto the cooker]

Gordon Ramsay:
Hello, muppets!

Gordon Ramsay:
But sweetheart, we are not in f***in' Auckland, we are in Sandgate.

Gordon Ramsay:
Can you f*** off and do some work?

Gordon Ramsay:
God, it looks like something out of a porn movie. [speaking of the tray of chicken a la carte just served, which has the chicken rolled into a tube sat upward]

Gordon Ramsay:
Anything happening downstairs? No - in your tummy! [after the women laugh]