Real Time with Bill Maher

Bill Maher:
New Rule: Stop whining about the French. It takes a lot of guts to stand up to the Bush administration and that's more than I can say about the Democrats!

Aaron McGruder:
[about the then-newly released "Reagan Letters", which had many re-examining the 40th President's perceived intelligence] Let's say, y'know, ten years from now we discover all these really intelligent things that "Dubya" has written. Does it somehow make it better if he was actually a genius and masterminded the dumb thing in order to manipulate people? Does that make you go back and go "Oh, that's better. He was an evil genius instead of an evil idiot."

Bill Maher:
New Rule: You can't run on a mistake. Franklin Roosevelt didn't run for re-election claiming Pearl Harbor was his finest hour. Abe Lincoln was a great president, but the high point of his second term wasn't theater security. 9/11 wasn't a triumph of the human spirit. It was a f***-up by a guy on vacation.

Bill Maher:
Saddam Hussein is Hitler like Oasis was The Beatles.

Bill Maher:
White people have always shown their superiority over blacks with their feet, moving out of black neighborhoods with the fear that their kids will turn into one of them. And now, through the magic of MTV, damned if it didn't turn out that way!

Bill Maher:
New rule: Cornbread isn't bread. It's cake.

Bill Maher:
I want to see riots! I want to see the kind of riots where cab drivers are afraid to pick up white people! I want to see this guy! [he gives the finger] You stayed up all night making that papier mache mask of Dick Cheney! Good! Now light it on fire and torch the nearest Gap! You're not going to make the evening news with candle light vigils. Pick up a trash can and throw it through the window of a Starbucks!

Bill Maher:
New rule: Time Magazine has to change its name to God Weekly. This week, Mary is on the cover again. In the last two years, Time has put out: "The Secrets of the Nativity", "The God Gene", "Faith, God and the Oval Office", "The Bible and the Apocalypse", "Who Was Moses?", "What Jesus Saw", "Why Did Jesus Have to Die?", "Jesus in 2000." If Jesus gets any more free press, he's going to start thinking he's Paris Hilton. Look, I understand we have a lot of Christians in this nation, but how about a little equal time? "Vishnu to Ganesh: Drop Dead". And "Is There No Pleasing Zeus?"

Bill Maher:
New rule: After the plane lands, airlines must stop saying, "Thank you for choosing us." There is no choosing anymore. I took the only flight that left within eight hours of when I wanted to go by the only other airline that went there. Choosing! Nobody chooses Southwest. Southwest chooses you! If I need to be in Spokane, Washington, by tomorrow morning, I either take the flight I'm given or I mail myself in a FedEx box!

Bill Maher:
New rule: Anyone who is elected mayor of a place called "Sin City" is allowed to be a drunk.

Bill Maher:
If I just sit here every Friday night and spout Bush administration talking points, that's not information or entertainment, it's Fox News!

Mario Cuomo:
When President Lincoln prayed, he talked to God. When President Bush prayed, God talked to Bush.

Bill Maher:
[to Richard Perle] I think you guys might have been right about the big picture, and I'm not above saying, you know what, maybe I was wrong. Okay. But on the other half of it, why the incompetence? Why was this war conducted so badly from the beginning? And you have to admit that cost lives. And my theory is because Republicans are sentimentalists. Because you guys have such rose-colored glasses about America that you thought as soon as we showed up in Iraq, they'd be going, 'Freedom! Americans!' And that's why we didn't need armor on the tanks because they'd be giving us flowers and chocolates and nylons.

Gore Vidal:
We have to move out, not on. We have no business there. We didn't care before what Iraq became and we don't care now.

Al Franken:
I love this "culture of life" stuff that comes out of the Christian right. But do you hear anything about the genocide that's going on in Darfur?

Andrew Sullivan:
The "culture of life," I might say, is a phrase invented by the last Pope. And what it meant was, you're opposed to death, in the death penalty, in war, in euthanasia and abortion. The Republicans decide, "Oh, we're a cafeteria. We'll take the abortion and euthanasia but we will launch wars" and we will - I mean, George Bush has signed more death warrants than any other human being in this country.

George Carlin:
[about the Bush-Kerry Debate] Finally someone stood up to the little oil pimp. This guy who somehow has managed to combine Yale intellectualism with the American cowboy myth and be completely inauthentic in both roles. That's what I see in Bush. He's an empty suit.

Tucker Carlson:
I mean, look, no matter how you feel about Bush, watching him speak is difficult. It's like - it's like watching a drunk man cross an icy street.

Tucker Carlson:
Maybe in fact it was better to have Saddam in there. Maybe Saddam, as bad as he was - was not the worst we could get. Maybe chaos was the worst we could get. That's the truth.

Michael Moore:
Well, I've received over 3,000 letters from soldiers in Iraq, emails mostly. And they're very powerful letters. We haven't heard from our soldiers about how they feel about this war. And they very clearly and very powerfully, in these letters, tell me the truth about what's going on over there... They're saying, number one, that they've been lied to; that they are being forced to re-enlist. If they don't, they're being told that they're going to be kept there indefinitely unless they re-enlist for another two or three years. They have told me in these letters that the Iraqis are not happy with the American presence there, and they believe that Bush has simply lied to the American people about the real threat - or actually the "no threat" that Iraq has posed to this country. So it's great to hear from them in their own words about this.

Howard Dean:
I think the problem with the country is that we operate on a sickness model, not a wellness model. Basically, we treat people who become ill. What we don't do is do a very good job in keeping them healthy in the first place.

Bill Maher:
All right, speaking of brave women, I have Ann Coulter waiting for me via satellite.

Richard Belzer:
I'm going to leave. [starts to walk off]

Bill Maher:
Don't! No, no, you're not! Sit right there! You know what? This is what's wrong with America. People don't even want to listen to each other. She is a friend of mine, and you will listen.

Richard Belzer:
She's a Fascist Party doll! Go ahead, just show her, baby. I think she's had some work done. But go ahead.

Bill Maher:
No. SHUT UP, BELZER! [to Ann] Boy, I'm trying to defend you, baby, but it ain't easy over here.

Ann Coulter:
Hey, is that Richard - is that Richard Belzer on the panel?

Bill Maher:
Boy, is he.

Ann Coulter:
I thought it was Osama bin Laden. I can only hear.

Bill Maher:
[after the interview with Ann] Ann Coulter, ladies and gentlemen! Jesus Christ, this is what is wrong with this - and I want to get to this. You know, this is a friend of mine, and this is - I think you guys - you - this is why...

Richard Belzer:
What are you talking about?

Bill Maher:
No, I'm saying that people...

Richard Belzer:
I've seen her hundreds of times.

Bill Maher:
I know, but...

Richard Belzer:
She's a repugnant person who says the most vile things. She lies. She's a liar and you know that. You just confronted her on ten different things. I mean, come on, man! Some people, you have to call them for what they are.

Kevin Costner:
You know, the great thing about Vietnam, if you can find one great thing about Vietnam, was that we have Vietnam to look back on. Vietnam serves a purpose. We have this gigantic window into our past history and why we find ourselves where we're at. That's the only good I can see that that war ever did for us. And we've ignored the lesson.

Bill Maher:
The key lesson to me of Vietnam is that you cannot outlast insurgents in their own country. This idea that when Bush says, "Well, we can't say we're going to pull out in six months because they'll only have to wait six months and a day." They'll wait a hundred years if they have to!

Gen. Wesley Clark:
Bill, the key lesson - the key lesson of Vietnam is that you've got to have a strategy that has a chance of success before you commit the lives of the men and women in uniform.

Sen. Alan Simpson:
[Sen. Simpson becomes angry at Bill's jokes] You're making fun of Americans who have some religious bent or a faith. Keep doing that and your people will never win an election. Because whether you and I like it or not, this is the only country on the face of the earth that was founded because of religious persecution and a belief in God. That's why they left Europe. So keep making fun of them. Keep making fun of the gays and the lesbians, pulling people in, tearing people up, thinking that Hollywood has all the brains in America, from people who are making millions of bucks on one movie and telling the rest of the people, and making fun of them, and you'll never make it, never make it.

Bill Maher:
You know, to quote the president, "I'm getting a mixed message from you, Senator." I mean, either I'm making fun of the religious people or I'm making fun of the gay people. I can't be doing both, can I?

Sen. Alan Simpson:
Well, you just made a little crack. You know, it was funny-funny, you know. Party-party. You know, those are little cracks. Those are smart, little cracks about the gay and lesbian people. You keep telling them. I think they're offensive. And I don't have to come on this program. So put that one in your pipe!

Bill Maher:
Okay, there's only one way to solve this - I challenge you to a duel!

Don Cheadle:
[on the genocide in Darfur] I think that our government has to take some responsibility, too, in the fact that, right now, one of the main impediments to the process is the international criminal court, and that America is very reticent to allow any American citizen to come under that adjudication, which - okay, fine, come up with a secondary system. Which can be done. It was done in Rwanda. It can be done very quickly. It just - there's just no more time to be talking about it and be arguing about it. If nations really are about building democracy and growing and spreading the message of freedom then start there and start now.

Willie Nelson:
We have two cars, my wife and I, that run on vegetable oil. She has a Volkswagen. I have a Mercedes. They've never had anything in them expect 100% vegetable oil. Our bus is run on 100% soybeans. So there's no reason for us to be so dependent on foreign energy.

Bill Maher:
We're not running our country down when we criticize it. We're trying to make it better.

George Galloway:
Christians believe in the Prophets, peace be upon them. Bush believes in the profits and how to get a piece of them

Kurt Vonnegut:
I am not only from the richest country in the world, but the dumbest country in the world

Bill Maher:
You know, if there's one thing I've hated since 9/11, it's that thing I hear all the time, that everything changed. When obviously nothing changed. The best example from the hurricane was the firefighters who came from I forget where, but they were sent down there to help, and they were given - before they could get to the disaster area - eight hours of sexual harassment sensitivity training. Forgetting that most women want to be harassed by firefighters.

Bill Maher:
[audience cheers] And I'm glad you cheered because Ann Coulter gave me that joke.

George Carlin:
Jim, Jim, calm down, calm down. You began a sentence a little while ago with 'It shouldn't be a surprise'. It shouldn't be a surprise that rich, white men don't care about poor, black people, period. So they're not high on the list.

Jim Glassman:
George, I love you, George, but that's nonsense.

George Carlin:
I don't care if you love me or not. They're not high on the conscious or the subconscious list of those people how are in charge of things in this country, the owners. Forget these foolish elections. The owners of this country don't care about the poor, in general.

Jim Glassman:
The owners of this country? What is this, Karl Marx talking to me? The owners of this country are the voters of this country.

George Carlin:
No, you're wrong about that, my friend. You're absolutely wrong.

Jim Glassman:
Aren't the owners of this country are the voters of this country who elected George Bush?

George Carlin:
No, no, they're not. Listen, these elections are a charade, they're a charade...

Jim Glassman:
[sarcastically] Oh, okay.

George Carlin:
I'll tell you, listen, just listen for a minute and learn a little something! Elections and politicians are in place in order to give Americans the ILLUSION that they have freedom of choice. You don't really have choice in this country.

Dana Carvey:
[imitating Al Gore] This planet is getting hot. And the only way to solve Global Warming is to elect Hillary Clinton... because that is one cold b*tch!

Bill Maher:
New Rule: You can't send the National Guard to Iraq and then claim it's still here. The helicopters, the humvees, the men... like Dorothy and Toto, they're not in Kansas anymore. Sorry, Mr. President, but the last documented case of a National Guardsman able to be in two places at one time... was you.

Bill Maher:
New Rule: The next time Steve Fossett tries to fly something around the world, shoot him down.

Bill Maher:
New Rule: Jesus is not a candle. A company in South Dakota is selling candles with the scent of Jesus. You light one and your friends says, "Christ, what's that smell?"

Bill Maher:
New rule: Canadian bacon isn't bacon. It's ham.

[opening theme]

Male voice:
Start the clock.

Female speaking clock:
Good afternoon. At the tone the time will be...

Distorted male voice:
Real time.

Male voice:
Real time. Real time. Do you know what time it is? Time it is?

Distorted male voice:
R-E-A-L T-I-M-E, 1 2 3 4 5 6...

Child's voice:
Seven, eight...

[about Herman Cain, Michelle Bachmann and Rick Perry during the 2012 Republican candidate election]

Bill Maher:
Meanwhile, three of the Republican candidates have said God *called* them to be president. But, seriously, if God really did call all three to run for president, isn't he just f***ing with two of them?

Bill Maher:
You can find me on Facebook, on Twitter... and all that sh*t.

Himself - Host:
New rule: from now on, all of Liam Neeson's movies have to be titled "I'm Going to Hunt You Down and Kill You".

Himself - Host:
Stop opening up banks. Every time a useful business like a dry-cleaner or marijuana dispensary closes, it becomes a bank! They're multiplying faster than Palins.

Bill Maher:
New Rule: If Latino immigrants want to be taken seriously, they have to stop wearing the giant hats! The civil rights marchers in the fifties didn't dress like Buckwheat and carry watermelons! You're a proud immigrant demanding his rights! Not the Frito-Bandito!

Bill Maher:
CNN, to mark the fifth anniversary of 9/11, is going to be replaying their original coverage of that day. Let's just hope that President Bush doesn't tune in and go "Oh, my God. They've done it again."

Bill Maher:
And finally, New Rule: Now that an international panel of "scientists" has decided to "cut-and-run" on the planet Pluto, I say it's time for the United States to sever its ties with science altogether and withdraw from the solar system!

Bill Maher:
If Bush is going to be on any ABC program, it should be "Lost."

Bill Maher:
[about Arnold Schwarzenegger] He said Puerto Ricans are naturally fiesty because they're a mix of black and latino blood. Whereas guys like him are naturally fiesty because they're a mix of white blood and steroids.

Robin Williams:
[Spanish accent] I live in California, 60% Spanish, and we have an Austrian governor. It's weird, man.

Bill Maher:
George Bush has said that he will not change his mind on Iraq even if the only ones supporting him were his wife and his dog. And I think the only person in the world who might be able to talk some sense into this man is George Bush, Sr.

Robin Williams:
Or his mother.

Bill Maher:
Oh, yeah.

Robin Williams:
That's more powerful than even dad. [slight laughter] Dr. Freud, line 1.

Bill Maher:
New Rule: President Bush's dog Barney has to run away from home. President Bush has said he won't pull out of Iraq even if Laura and Barney are the only ones supporting him. And we know Laura isn't going to leave. Which means the country is depending on you, Barney! Run, boy, run!

Bill Maher:
New Rule: Restaurants can't make you wait until the rest of your party has arrived. Any restaurant that makes you wait is calling you a liar. They're saying, "You have five friends?" "Yeah, we'll see." Listen up, Miss Drunk-with-power-restaurant-hostess, when I say my friends are on the way, they're on the way. So either show me to a table, or this is the last time I celebrate my birthday at Chuck E. Cheese.

Bill Maher:
New Rule: You can't make me dress like PeeWwee Herman. According to the New York Times, this is the hottest look in men's fashion. From the waist up, it says Wall Street; from the waist down, it says, "Hurricane Katrina." Let me tell you something. This "exposed sock" look is never going to fly in Hollywood, because that's where we keep our weed.

Bill Maher:
And finally, New Rule, in two parts: A. You can't call yourself a think tank if all your ideas are stupid. And B., if you're someone from one of the think tanks that dreamed up the Iraq War, and who predicted that we'd be greeted as liberators, and that we wouldn't need a lot of troops, and that Iraqi oil would pay for the war, that the WMD's would be found, that the looting wasn't problematic, and the mission was accomplished, that the insurgency was in its last throes, that things would get better after the people voted, after the government was formed, after we got Saddam, after we got his kids, after we got Zarqawi, and that the whole bloody mess wouldn't turn into a civil war... you have to stop making predictions!

Bill Maher:
You want me to apologize for making a joke? Who do you think I am? John Kerry?

Bill Maher:
New Rule: Stop repackaging old crap and trying to pawn it off as something new. Disney has released a two-disc platinum edition of "The Little Mermaid," digitally restored, because who could make out what's happening in the original, black-and-white kinescope? This shameless hyping of previously-released material, now with additional content, is the very kind of thing I should have lampooned in New Rules: Polite Musings from a Timid Observer, now available in paperback.

Bill Maher:
New Rule: When President Bush meets an autistic teenager, they must wear name tags so we can tell them apart.

Bill Maher:
New Rule: Bluetooth headset users have to do something that lets me know you're just on the phone and not a dangerous schizophrenic. Right? We don't know if you're talking to your secretary or the evil leprechaun who lives in your head. You're not the chief communications officer of the Starship Enterprise. You're a shoe salesman asking your mom if you can bring over your laundry. If I wanted to overhear every tedious scrap of brain static rattling around in your head, I'd read your blog.

Bill Maher:
If we learned anything from this moronic debt ceiling debacle, it's that government is a lot like the subway. People tend to give the crazy person what he wants. The reason John Boehner could brag that he got 98% of what he demanded was that he had an ace card in the sixty odd tea partiers in his caucus. I don't say sixty odd because I'm not sure how many there are; there are sixty and they're odd. And Boehner could point to them and say, "Look, these guys don't give a f***. They don't want compromise and solutions. The only response they're going for is, 'Oh, sh*t! How'd Skeeter get a gun?'" Yes, 'cause we've all seen that movie where some psycho has a gun to a woman's head and the rookie hostage negotiator isn't getting anywhere, so they bring in Mel Gibson, who can relate to the psycho because he's a psycho. That's what the Democrats need; their own Mel Gibson. The only way to pull the debate back from the far right is for liberals to elect their own slate of sixty unstable, loony tune, mad-as-a-hatter, crazy motherf***ers. So, please, liberals, start trolling Whole Foods parking lots, nude beaches, erotic cake stores, the MSNBC commissary; anywhere where you might find angry left wing lunatics to create a party within a party, as the Tea Party is a party within the Republicans. And to show that we will not back down in a crazy-off against anybody, the party within the Democratic Party will be called The Donner Party. That's right. We will literally eat each other before we give an inch, and this is our leader, Face-Ripper Monkey. That's right we brought back Face-Ripper Monkey. And don't tell me that there already is such an entity on the left, that it's the ACLU or Green Peace or MoveOn.org. Oh, please. Those are educated people - lawyers and scientists. We need loud mouths and bad dressers who can match the tea people maniac for maniac and say to them, "You think you can be pea-brained, single-minded, and purple with rage? Well, the Donner Party is a dog that can bark at a pine cone for nine days and not get tired. You say no new taxes on the rich? We say tax the rich at 100%. You call for a Constitutional Amendment banning abortion? We call for a federally-funded partial-birth abortion at the drive thru at McDonald's. You want Reagan on the $50 bill? We insist on Janeane Garofalo." Because apparently, crazy is the new sensible, and we will not lose the war of bad ideas. So, here's what else we want. Guns? Still legal, but no new guns may be produced, therefore to get one, you have to literally pry it from another guy's cold, dead hands. Also, not only must gay history be taught in public schools, but also gay math, with word problems like: if the park ranger inspects the restrooms every 4 hours and it takes Glenn twelve minutes to get a stranger off, how many strangers can Glenn service between inspections?

Neil deGrasse Tyson:
Twenty.

Bill Maher:
Thanks, doc. In any budget stalemates, the Donner Party will insist on a writer to the bill stipulating that Jesus is "just a guy" and that if you so much as thank him for scoring a touchdown, the state will take your children and you must perform 200 hours of community theatre. And the other bill that I'm afraid the Donner Party must insist on is the "We Want Everything They Have Bill of 2011", which guarantees all Americans what Europeans get, like Free Health Care and Six Weeks of Paid Vacation, which sounds so good I think I'll start mine right now.