Reality Bites

Vickie:
Laney, sex is the quickest way to ruin a friendship.

Lelaina:
He's so cheesy, I can't watch him without crackers.

Vickie:
Don't Bogart that can, man...

Troy Dyer:
Are you retarded?

Vickie:
No, I'm rhyming. It's not easy. Sure I make it look easy...

Vickie:
Do you ever wish you were a lesbian? Don't you think it would be so much easier?

Lelaina:
Sometimes, but I don't know. I could never go through with it. I'd start laughing or something.

Vickie:
That is such a shame because I have had it with men.

Michael Grates:
Have I stepped over some line in the sands of coolness with you? Because excuse me if somebody doesn't know the secret handshake with you.

Troy Dyer:
There's no secret handshake. There's an IQ prerequisite, but there's no secret handshake.

Lelaina Pierce:
I'm not going to work at The Gap for chrissake!

Troy Dyer:
The only thing you have to be by the age of 23 is yourself.

Lelaina:
Yeah, well, I'm not sure who that is anymore.

Troy Dyer:
You look like a doily.

Lelaina Pierce:
I'd like to somehow make a difference in peoples' lives.

Troy Dyer:
And I... I would like to buy them all a Coke.

Lelaina Pierce:
And you wonder why we never got involved?

Vickie:
Would the two of you just do it and get it over with? I'm starving!

Vickie:
Sometimes I get that not-so-fresh feeling.

Troy Dyer:
And I know that scare the living sh*t outta you 'cause you know I'm the only real thing you got.

Lelaina:
Yeah well that ain't real much.

Michael Grates:
Can you hear me now?

Troy Dyer:
Did he dazzle you with his extensive knowledge of mineral water? Or was it his in-depth analysis of, uh, uh, Marky Mark that finally reeled you in?

Troy Dyer:
This girl is cuckoo for cocoa puffs.

Vickie:
Welcome to the Maxi Pad.

Troy Dyer:
He's the reason Cliffs Notes were invented.

Troy Dyer:
There's no point to any of this. It's all just a... a random lottery of meaningless tragedy and a series of near escapes. So I take pleasure in the details. You know... a quarter-pounder with cheese, those are good, the sky about ten minutes before it starts to rain, the moment where your laughter become a cackle... and I, I sit back and I smoke my Camel Straights and I ride my own melt.

Lelaina Pierce:
I have to work around here, and unfortunately Troy, you are a master at the art of time suckage.

Lelaina Pierce:
Oh, oh is this like a, is this like a pirate operation?

Rock:
Do I look like a pirate to you?

Lelaina Pierce:
You guys better not be inhaling.

Lelaina:
You've been waiting for this since the day we met.

Vickie:
Oh, who told you that? Your psychic partner?

Vickie Miner:
I'm late for a jean folding seminar. Let's locomote!

Troy Dyer:
Well f*** me for being nice!

Troy Dyer:
I'm bursting with fruit flavor.

Troy Dyer:
I am not under any orders to make the world a better place.

Lelaina Pierce:
Are you religious?

Michael Grates:
Um, uh, I guess uh, I guess I'm, uh a non-practicing Jew.

Lelaina Pierce:
Hey, I'm a non-practicing virgin.

Troy Dyer:
I'm picking up some very strange vibes. They're of the "I just got laid" variety.

Lelaina Pierce:
I was really going to be somebody by the time I was 23.

Troy Dyer:
Honey, all you have to be by the time you're 23, is yourself.

Lelaina Pierce:
I don't know who that is anymore.

Troy Dyer:
I do. And we all love her. I love her. She breaks my heart again and again. But I love her.

Vickie:
Evian is naive spelled backward.

Lelaina Pierce:
Hey Sammy, what's your goal?

Sammy:
My goal is... I'd like a career or something.

Lelaina Pierce:
Alright fine you wanna be in a band fine. Go ahead. Play everynight. Play three times a night! Don't just dick around the same coffee house for five years. Don't dick around with her; or with me. I mean try at something for once in your life, do something about it. But you know what? You better do it now and you better do it fast because the world doesn't owe you any favors.

Lelaina:
Can you define "irony"?

Troy Dyer:
It's when the actual meaning is the complete opposite from the literal meaning.

Charlane McGregor:
Why dont you get a job at the Burgerrama? they'll hire you

Lelaina:
Because I was the Valedictorian of my University!

Tom Pierce:
Well you dont have to put that on your application

Troy Dyer:
I was told there'd be no math on this exam.

Vickie Miner:
You don't understand, every day, all day, it's all that I think about, OK? Every time I sneeze, it's like I'm four sneezes away from the hospice. And it's like it's not even happening to me, it's like I'm watching it on some crappy show like Melrose Place or some sh*t right, and I'm the new character, I'm the HIV AIDS character and I live in the building and I teach everybody that 'It's OK to be near me, it's OK to talk to me.' And then I die. And there's everybody at my funeral wearing halter tops or chokers or some sh*t like that.

Lelaina:
Vickie stop, OK? Just stop. You're freaking out. And you know what? You're gonna have to deal with the results, whatever they are, we're gonna have to deal with them just like we've dealt with everything else.

Vickie Miner:
This isn't like everything else.

Lelaina:
I know that, alright? But it's gonna be OK, you know? I know it's gonna be OK. Melrose Place is a really good show.

Lelaina:
Welcome to the world of the emtionally mature. Maybe you've seen Michael, he lives here.

Troy:
Nice save, Lelaina.

Lelaina:
I'm not a valedictorian but I play one on tv.

Troy:
We all know you slept your way to the podium.

Lelaina:
Quick, Vicky, whats your social security?

Vicky:
Uhm... 851-25-9357.

Troy:
Very impressive.

Vicky:
Thats the only thing I really learned in college... Sometimes I get that not so fresh feeling.

Troy:
Well, should I get married, should I be good, should I astound the girl next door with my velvet suit and my faustushood and not take her to movies but to cemeteries and tell her stories of werewolf tongues and forked clarinets... What 'Hey, That's My Bike' would like to do as a band is travel the countryside like Woody Guthrie.

Sammy:
Or Richard Simmons. You know, how in his commercials he surprises people jogging...

Troy:
As you can see, I have the occasional run-in with an anti-Hey-That's-My Biker and to those people I say nobody... nobody can eat 50 eggs.

Charlane McGregor:
Why don't you get a job at the Burgerama? They'll hire you! My Lord, I saw on the TV, they had this little retarded boy working the register.

Lelaina:
Because I'm not retarded, Mom. I was the valedictorian of my university!

Wes McGregor:
Well you don't have to put that on your application.

Lelaina:
Welcome to the world of the emotionally mature. It's a really nice place to visit. Hey, you may run into Michael. He lives here.

Troy:
Oh, yeah, right. Michael. Michael. He's so mature, because he lets you navigate that entire relationship. Well, I'm sorry, Lelaina, but you can't navigate me. I might do mean things, and I might hurt you, and I might run away without your permission, and you might hate me forever. And I know that that scares the sh*t out of you, because I'm the only real thing that you have.

Lelaina:
Yeah, well that ain't real much.

Lelaina:
It's not like I had a hysterectomy. I just got fired.

Lelaina:
Hey! I'm a non-practicing virgin.

Troy:
Are employee snacks subsidized?

Troy:
There's no secret handshake. There's an IQ prerequisite. But there's no secret handshake.

Troy:
Honey, the only thing you have to be at age 23 is yourself.

Troy:
You have reached the winter of our discontent.

Vickie:
My favorite part about graduating now will be dodging my student loan officer for the rest of my life. He will be in cahoots with the Columbia Record and Tape Company guy... been after my ass for years.

Vickie:
My parents have been married for 26 years. Theyre like brother and sister at this point. She goes to the bathroom with the door open. That would be "A". And "B" that's disgusting.

Vickie:
Don't you ever wish you were a lesbian?

Vickie:
It's not like its happening to me. It's like it's in a crappy show like Melrose Place.

Vickie:
I truly believe that if we can get two women on the supreme court, we can get at least one on you.

Sammy:
[after coming out to his mother] I wanna be miserable and happy and all that. I wanna be let back into the house.