Reba

Reba:
Do you know what a teenager is?

Barbra Jean:
A demon?

Barbra Jean:
[to Kyra] You bring people together. You're like a little Reverend Al Sharpton.

Barbra Jean:
Maybe next time I'll marry someone whose ex-wife appreciates me!

Reba:
Kyra, what on Earth would make you wanna hit someone?

Cheyenne:
It's her way of showing affection.

Kyra:
Yeah, that's right. Now, why don't you come over here for a little hug?

Reba:
I know what Kyra is doing!

Brock Hart:
Like you did with Cheyenne?

Reba:
Oh, one time! The one time our daughter gets pregnant and I never hear the end of it!

Reba:
[when Kyra is helping cheer Barbra Jean up after she and Brock separate] You are a beautiful young woman.

Kyra:
Or maybe you just raised me right. That and I watch a lot of "7th Heaven".

Electrician:
[to Barbra Jean, about Reba] Wow, your mom's a real grouch.

Barbra Jean:
[Barbra Jean looks flattered] I know, right?

Reba:
If Thanksgiving were a concert, the turkey would be Cher.

Barbra Jean:
So, you want to have Thanksgiving here, and you want Cher?

Reba:
That's right. I've got turkey, babe!

Reba:
Hey, Jake. What are you watching?

Jake Hart:
The Weather Channel. More rain for Brazil.

Reba:
[when Van gets an injury involving his spine and tail bone] It's a mother-in-law's job to make the best of a bad situation.

Van Montgomery:
[sarcastically] I thought it was a mother-in-law's job to make butt-jokes about her son-in-law.

Reba:
We wear many hats.

[Reba is shocked by Barbera Jean's new Reba haircut]

Barbra Jean:
So, what do you think? Is it me?

Reba:
[furiously] No. It's me!

Barbra Jean:
[in the hospital, after Cheyenne had a false labor, Barbra Jean sits down on a chair] Oh, my God! I think my water just broke!

Reba:
Oh no, you're sitting on my purse!

Reba:
Jake Mitchell Hart, are you lying to me?

Jake Hart:
Yes! No-one mocks me and gets away with it!

Reba:
So, did that boy even go upstairs?

Jake Hart:
No! And I didn't know he was a boy, I thought he was an ugly girl!

Reba:
You are in big trouble! No tv, no dessert, and Grandma gets her cell phone back!

[She takes the gameboy SP back and Jake runs upstairs]

Barbra Jean:
Boop! You've got mail! [opens Kyra's laptop and makes poses]

Reba:
[to Brock] Boop! You've got a goof-ball!

Reba:
You treat that animal like it can walk on water!

Barbra Jean:
What is 'dog' spelled backwards, Reba?

[conversation about why Barbra Jean's dog is missing goes on for another two minutes]

Van Montgomery:
'GOD'! It spells 'God.'

[Van is sleeping, drooling on his sheets. Reba comes in telling him to wake up]

Van Montgomery:
Awwww! I was dreaming about waffles!

Van Montgomery:
I'll be with my friends, you'll be with yours. Then we'll hook up later. It'll be just like junior year! Except we're married, you're pregnant, and everything is different.

Reba:
You want me to sign a permission form for bigamy?

Reba:
[reading a card] Oh, no! It says here that Barbra Jean told Buzzard it was okay for him to write me and visit when he's in town!

Cheyenne:
Wait, this is Barbra Jean's brother Buzzard, right?

Reba:
Cheyenne, I would hate to think that I knew more than one person with the nickname 'Buzzard'.

Dolly Majors:
And you are gonna be the prettiest woman in the office!

Reba:
Oh, second to you!

Dolly Majors:
Hey, we're not comparing apples and melons here.

Cheyenne:
[about Kyra living with Barbra Jean and Brock] She must be making their lives a living nightmare.

Reba:
[laughs] I know! [Straightens up] I mean... [firmly] I know.

[Van lying on the bed because he can't play football Friday night]

Cheyenne:
Wanna go to the movies?

Van Montgomery:
No.

Cheyenne:
Wanna fool around?

Van Montgomery:
No.

Cheyenne:
Wanna eat some pizza?

Van Montgomery:
No.

Cheyenne:
[Yells] MOM!

[repeated line]

Reba:
Crap!

Barbra Jean:
[talking about her wedding] I never wanted to get married in the Virgin Islands.

Reba:
Too ironic for ya?

Cheyenne:
[after seeing her new apartment had other people's stuff] Mom, this isn't my stuff. Oh, my god! We need to call the police!

Reba:
And report what, a delivery?

Barbra Jean:
You're not the boss of me!

Reba:
If I was your boss, I would be sleeping with you right now.

Barbra Jean:
Brock, I had an epidural. I think that's what Jesus would have wanted.

Kyra:
I think that's what Mary would have wanted.

Cheyenne:
You're leaving? Who's going to watch Elizabeth?

Reba:
Oooh, that was close. I almost left her alone with her parents!

Van Montgomery:
They all want grandchildren, but they never think of the consequences...

Brock Hart:
[about Reba's threat to put a picture of him with "fuemanchops" in the newspaper] Go ahead and put that picture in the paper I looked good sister.

Reba:
[about Brock decideing to sell his practice or become a professional golfer] Good, I'm so glad you finally chose something, when do I get my money?

Brock Hart:
You'll get your money, I'm going to go the driving range and work on my interview skills.

Reba:
When do I get my money?

Brock Hart:
No, No, No I couldn't be the next Tiger Woods.

Cheyenne:
[as Van eats cereal directly out of the box] What are you doing?

Van Montgomery:
I'm trying to get the prize, and if I do it with my hands it'll be unsanitary.

Cheyenne:
Is the prize three cavities and a gut?

Van Montgomery:
[laughing] Oh! Ha,ha! You're funny. That's why I married you - your sense of humor. Oh wait, no. It was the baby.

Brock Hart:
[Telling Jake about Brock's stones she giggles] Did you just giggle?

Reba Hart:
No!

Jake Hart:
I knew it, vegetables were evil!

Brock Hart:
Yeah, there's an episode of Popeye you won't ever see!

Funeral Arranger:
Would you prefer a open or closed casket?

Brock Hart:
Closed, and locked.

Reba:
Where is John D now?

Brock Hart:
Oh, I don't know Reba I'm not a religious man.

Reba:
Jake, what are you doing?

Jake Hart:
I am watching TV and playing video games, I'm multi-tasking.

Van Montgomery:
I mean, does a daughter care about zone coverage?

Cheyenne Hart-Montgomery:
What's zone coverage?

Van Montgomery:
See? Girls aren't into defensive strategy or cool cars or loud belching.

[Van belches loudly]

Cheyenne Hart-Montgomery:
Gross.

Bridget:
I'm a fitness instructor, specializing in derrieres. I'm a derrierist.

Cheyenne Hart Montgomery:
What's the matter? Couldn't get into law school?

Bridget:
You know me, Cheyenne. When we were in high school, I was always the pretty one, and you were the smart one.

Cheyenne Hart Montgomery:
I was not the smart one!

Van Montgomery:
Nothing says "Merry Christmas" like a hostage situation.

Brock Hart:
[speaking of Barbra Jean and Brock's therapist who asked Reba out] You can't go out with him.

Reba:
Why not?

Brock Hart:
Barbra Jean likes him.

Reba:
What?

Brock Hart:
But she wouldn't steal anyone you like. [Reba looks at him] Anyone you like now, anyone you like now.

Cheyenne:
He broke his butt! Well he bruised his tailbone... but let's face it, he broke his butt! [everyone laughs]

Van Montgomery:
A bad, bad dog craps a bad crap at Dogbert's.

Barbra Jean:
You know how i've been doing all of our tax returns?

Reba:
Yeah, what's the problem?

Barbra Jean:
I'VE been doing all of our tax returns! here, take a look!

Reba:
Well, right off the bat i'd say you should stop doing the "I *heart* the IRS" stuff. It makes you sound desperate.

Barbra Jean:
I am desperate! Oh, Reba i'm goin down! I'm headed for the big house!

Reba:
Oh, barbara jean.

Barbra Jean:
Promise me Reba, if i get sent to prison you will do something to get sent to prison too! And then we'll break out like on that show! You're gonna have to get the layout of the prison tatooed on your body so you're gonna need to gain some weight! Oh, GOD!

Reba:
Calm down!

Barbra Jean:
Oh, I love how tough you are. When we're in prison, i'm so gonna be your girlfriend!

Reba:
Barbara jean, they only send you to prison if you lie on these forms... not because you put glitter all over it!

Barbra Jean:
I would never knowingly lie! it would be because i just made these mistakes because i don't know what i'm doing, right?

Reba:
Yeah, you should plead dumb! trust me after they talk to you for awhile they'll let you off. Heck, they'll probably even pay for your ride home!

Barbra Jean:
Even if we didn't go to prison i would SO still be your girlfriend!

Van Montgomery:
Cheyanne i do not wanna go to some stpid husband panel! We have a flat screen high definition T.V.! I finally have something to grow old and get fat in front of!

[when Kyra is out five minutes late after getting her driver's license]

Barbra Jean:
She's not picking up! Do you know what this means?

Reba:
She has Caller ID?

Van Montgomery:
I told you I'm not going maternity shopping again. Those women look at me like they know what I did.

Cheyenne Hart-Montgomery:
But I need clothes that make it clear I'm pregnant. Not Fat.

Reba Hart:
Cheyenne I have tons of cute maternity clothes left from when I had Jake.

Cheyenne Hart-Montgomery:
No offense mom but you were 35, I'm like half that.

Reba Hart:
Krya, Cheyenne just felt the baby move.

Kyra Hart:
It's probably just gas.

Cheyenne Hart-Montgomery:
I don't get gas.

Kyra Hart:
We shared a room.

Brock Hart:
Reba, where'd you get this?

Reba:
Wrong Answer.

[Reba's found a bottle of vodka in Van and Cheyenne's closet and thinks it's Van's]

Van Montgomery:
[to Cheyenne, holding the bottle] Is this yours?

Cheyenne:
No! Why would it be mine?

Van Montgomery:
Well it's not mine, and if it's not yours, then our 3-year old has a MAJOR problem! Cheyenne... what's going on?

Cheyenne Hart-Montgomery:
Mom, are you all right?

Reba Hart:
No! You say you don't have a baby, you're talking responsible and you're acting like a loving husband; what's wrong with you people? What's that smell?

[Reba awakens from her 'nightmare' with Jake's feet in her face]

Cheyenne:
[about the guest list for Thanksgiving] So who's all comin?

Reba:
Well, let's see; there's you and Van and not Barbara Jean; Jake and Elizabeth, and not Barbara Jean; and your dad and not Barbara Jean.

Cheyenne:
I get it, Barbra Jean, Henry, and Kyra all went to Lubock

Reba:
And for this we give thanks!

[Van picks up a laboring Cheyenne]

Reba Hart:
What is he doing?

Brock Hart:
Well, he's not lifting with his legs. I can tell you that.

[Van carries a laboring Cheyenne across the stage]

Mrs. Hodge:
[hands the couple their diplomas] Congratulations, graduate.

Van Montgomery:
We're having a baby! Whoo!

Reba Hart:
[recording video] This is Cheyenne having a baby on Cheyenne and Van's graduation day.

Barbra Jean Booker Hart:
[to Mrs. Hodge] Say 'Jesus'! [snaps a picture]

Barbra Jean:
Aw, there's my Reba-Rooba-Roo!

Reba:
[cheerfully] And if you all me that again and I'm gonna slap the blonde right off ya!

Kyra:
Just like when you said Barbra Jean is where brain cells go when they die.

Van Montgomery:
If you take loyalty and ethics out of business do you know what you have?

Reba Hart:
Television network?

Dr. Schmidt:
No one's having a baby today.

Barbra Jean Booker Hart:
Umm... I think my water broke.

Reba Hart:
Oh, no! You're sitting on my purse!

Brock Hart:
I'm guessing your parents aren't too happy with me.

Barbra Jean:
Why?

Barbra Jean:
I see. Is it because we're black?

Reba:
Barbra Jean you're white, you're the whitest person in Texas.

Kyra Hart:
Barbra Jean is pregnant.

Jake Hart:
I thought Cheyenne was pregnant.

Cheyenne Hart-Montgomery:
Oh my God! Shut up Jake.

[Cheyenne, 18, is planning her shotgun wedding]

Cheyenne:
Getting married is so much fun. We should have done this junior year!

Reba:
No, you were smart to wait.

Cheyenne Hart-Montgomery:
Reba needs surgery [Surgery,Van I can't believe this] [She'll be all right she's a survivor]

Van Montgomery:
God has a great sense of humor. Look at ostriches!

Kyra Hart:
Oh, now you're gonna cry?

Cheyenne Hart-Montgomery:
[bawling] No, I'm not gonna cry!

Kyra Hart:
Oh, c'mon, like that's the worst thing I've said to you.

Van Montgomery:
Although, it is right up there with "Mrs. Forrest Gump".

Kyra Hart:
Since when is getting pregnant at seventeen required in high school?

Cheyenne Hart-Montgomery:
Hey, you don't know what's required in high school!

Lori Ann:
I'm going to the hardware store, or as I like to call it, "Men R' Us."

Reba Hart:
Is there anywhere you *won't* go to meet a man?

Lori Ann:
Yeah. The museum.

Van Montgomery:
Kyra, guess what Elisabeth's first word was.

Kyra:
Help?

[Barbra Jean and Reba are hugging after Barbra Jean and Brock separated]

Van Montgomery:
It was then that the realized neither one of them needed a man...

Reba Hart:
What were you thinking, you boneheads? Oh, excuse me, 'Dr.' Boneheads?

Barbra Jean Booker Hart:
Reba, I'm not a doctor.

Barbra Jean Booker Hart:
[to a blind Reba] Since you can't watch TV, I thought that for entertainment, I could read to you.

Reba Hart:
Read? Why, just to prove you can?

Barbra Jean Booker Hart:
I chose a classic, "Oliver Twist". Let's see...[flipping through the pages] Boring, boring, boring, blah, blah, blah, orphan, orphan, orphan. Ah, OK, here we go. [in an English accent] Please sir, I want some more. [in a deep, distorted, whale-like voice] More?

Reba Hart:
Are you still reading or did you just pass gas?

Reba:
Jake, why aren't you eating?

Jake Hart:
I don't have a spoon.

Reba:
Is this your first breakfast?

Barbra Jean:
Hey Kyra, how was school?

Kyra:
Good- but I really missed you today. [Hugs Barbra Jean]

Barbra Jean:
Oh. I know you want something... but this is one fiddle that says, "Play Me."

Kyra:
I'm not even sure my dad's really allergic to cats. He just doesn't want one. He told my mom once that he was allergic to minivans.

Barbra Jean:
Oh, he is Kyra. We test drove one.

Barbra Jean:
We'll keep her in the attic. [pauses] No, the cattic. [laughs] Oh that is a great place to hide a cat, in fact it's almost- [pauses] Say it. Come on, Kyra.

Kyra:
Purrr-fect

Reba:
See, that's the bad thing about Brock and Barbra Jean living right down the street. [pauses] That and the fact that Brock and Barbra Jean live right down the street.

Barbra Jean:
[To Brian about him and Reba being a couple.] I am so happy you two found each other, it used to be so awkward, 'Reba Hart, party of one!'[Reba walks in] And look at her, she's got that love glow

Reba:
It's a fever sweat, Barbara Jean.

Barbra Jean:
Oh yeah, a love fever [puts her hand on Reba's forehead.]

Reba:
I'll bite you.

Cheyenne:
[Coming down the stairs] Alright the kids are all bathed and ready for bed and Elizabeth is waiting for you upstairs to go sing your goofy opera version of "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star".

Van Montgomery:
Well, singin' opera won't make her smarter.

Cheyenne:
What are you talking about?

Van Montgomery:
I've been reading these child development books and we've been doing it all wrong with Elizabeth.

Cheyenne:
I don't think so, Van.

Van Montgomery:
Oh yes we have! We've wasted so much time! All that time I spent blowin' on her stomach I could have been teachin' her the periodic table of elements!

Cheyenne:
Van, Elizabeth laughs when you blow on her stomach.

Van Montgomery:
Well, there's plenty of time for laughter later when she's a chemist!

Cheyenne:
Okay, alright, look I do not know what you are all worked up about. I told you it is completely normal for kids to develop at different rates.

Van Montgomery:
Yeah but what if she's behind the other kids to begin with?

Cheyenne:
Why would she be behind?

Van Montgomery:
Because of me. Maybe I'm not the sharpest tool in the chandelier.

Cheyenne:
You're plenty sharp.

Van Montgomery:
Yeah right! I couldn't tie my shoe until I was five years old.

Cheyenne:
Yeah and your mom told me why. Because when you'd put the little rabbit through the rabbit hole all of the sudden your shoes would turn into a spaceship or racecars and you'd run off in your socks playing this incredibly creative game.

Van Montgomery:
Yeah those rabbits were kinda hilarious!

Cheyenne:
You are kinda hilarious and inventive and smart and your daughter is gonna be the same way.

Van Montgomery:
I meant to say "the sharpest tool in the shed".

Cheyenne:
I like the way you said it the first time.

[They kiss]

Van Montgomery:
I'm gonna go check on the kids.

[Operatic]

Van Montgomery:
Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star...

Reba:
You can't be afraid of ghosts! You're brave! I've seen you eat raisenet off the sidewalk!

Barbra Jean:
It was a Junior Mint and I caught it before it hit the ground! Besides what do you know about fear Miss I'm-Not-Afraid-Of-Anything?

Reba:
Why does everybody say that I'm not afraid of anything?

Barbra Jean:
Because you're not. You're not afraid of the dark or thunder or wearin' pink with red hair. Which is not wise but you do it. You're fearless Reba!

Reba:
It's not that I'm fearless, it's just that I think believing in ghosts is silly!

Barbra Jean:
Well, you wouldn't think it was so silly if the ghost was after you!

Reba:
What are you talking about?

Barbra Jean:
If I tell you,you're just gonna make fun of me.

Reba:
Barbra Jean I'm already makin' fun of you.

Barbra Jean:
Alright if you must know the ghost is after me because I'm a bad person.

Reba:
What?

Barbra Jean:
I stole your husband, I broke up your family and now I have a way better house than you do!

Reba:
So the reason you're afraid of ghosts is because you think they're gonna punish you for what you did?

Barbra Jean:
Yeah.

Reba:
Oh Barbra Jean, if anybody's gonna punish you it's me! And I promise you, when I die I will haunt you! Every noise you hear, everytime you trip, every bad hair day it'll be me!

Barbra Jean:
Oh Reba, don't try to make me feel better! It just makes it worse because this horrible thing that I've done that I can't undo [starts to cry] I did to my very best friend!

Reba:
Barbra Jean, we're not best friends. [pause] Barbra Jean things happen for a reason. Like maybe you're in my life because [pauses and tries to think of a reason Barbra Jean is in her life]

Barbra Jean:
Reba? [Reba puts up her hand to quiet Barbra Jean while she tries to think]

Reba:
[Thinks of something] I needed someone to ruin everything for me.

Barbra Jean:
Well, yeah, I can see how that was helpful.

Reba:
No, no, no, you know what maybe it was! I lived through my biggest fears. My husband left, Kyra moved out and things seemed to be just fallin' apart! You know, nothing gets scarier than that! But because of you I know that I can deal with anything now.

Barbra Jean:
Wow [Touches Reba's knee] I wish I had the kind of courage brought on by a deep personal tragedy.

Reba:
Well you married Brock, that's a start! [Removes Barbra Jean's hand]

[last line of the series]

Reba Hart:
We're survivors.

Kyra:
[after Van pulls the dipstick out instead of the dead mouse] Hey, the dipstick grabbed the dipstick!

Lori Ann:
[Picking out a date for Reba] Here's one. Pilot. Looks great in a uniform. It'll be a chance for you to join the mile high club!

Reba:
...I'm already a member.

Kyra:
Hi everyone!

Reba:
Where have you been?

Kyra:
Getting milk.

Barbra Jean:
[a poem Barbra Jean wrote for Reba] Reba's hair is red, Violets are blue, If Brock ever left me, I'd marry you.

Brock Hart:
[Brock is explaing to Reba how he has to arrange Barbra Jean's stuffed animals on the bed] And of course, Binky can't be next to Lulu because they have a history, and the worst part I want to know what it is!"

Reba:
Do you know what a teenager is?

Barbra Jean:
A demon?

Reba:
A bully. What I'm sayin is if they know you're scared, you're dead.

Barbra Jean:
But I am scared.

Reba:
Of course you're scared, you're dealin with a demon!

Reba:
What kind of a sick person would buy a diamond tiara, Foxy Lady lingerie, and then go on a $175 shopping spree at Joy for Jesus Bookstore?

Reba, Kyra:
[look at each other and together say] Barbara Jean!

Reba:
That does it! She can have my husband but nobody touches my credit card!

Cheyenne:
Hey, Mom. Where you goin'?

Reba:
To you're dad's condo to strangle a princess!

Reba:
Hello?

[Barbra Jean crying indistinctly over phone]

Reba:
You're kidding?

Barbra Jean Booker Hart:
No! [continues crying]

Reba:
OK. All right, stop cryin'. I'll be there.

Barbra Jean Booker Hart:
[crying] Hurry!

Kyra:
Barbra Jean wanted me to get a tape of the dog to give to the police

Cheyenne:
Why didn't you just give them a picture?

Kyra:
"Because it doesn't capture her spirit."

Reba:
She's only had the dog a week. How many tapes could she have?

Kyra:
These are just from yesterday. Check this out.

Reba:
Wow, I feel sorry for the poor sap who had to videotape all that.

Kyra:
80 bucks is 80 bucks.

Van Montgomery:
You know Mr. H, you should try waxing. I tried once and I am hooked!

Barbra Jean:
Somebody took my Broq!

Reba:
Funny, when I had to say that same thing, I wasn't quite as panicked.

[Barbara Jean accuses Kyra of killing Little Brock]

Kyra:
Alright, I admit it! It was me. And what happened with this...

[Kyra tells everyone that she's an evil witch and that she killed Little Brock for his "life energy"]

Kyra the Witch:
Now, eternal life will be mine! MWA-HA-HA-HA!

[Kyra finishes her story and finds everyone staring at her]

Reba:
Very funny, Kyra. Although if you had done it, I wouldn't have had to cook dinner.

Brock Hart:
Jake, the uterus is not a toy!

Cheyenne Hart-Montgomery:
Mom!

[Reba gasps and stares as Cheyenne comes down the stairs in an awful purple bridesmaid dress]

Cheyenne Hart-Montgomery:
I look like a giant, puffy bruise!

Reba Hart:
No, honey, you look... you look, um...

Cheyenne Hart-Montgomery:
Can you believe this bow? She said it would draw the eye away from the baby!

Reba Hart:
[after staring a moment] What'd you say? I'm sorry, I didn't hear you. I can't take my eyes off that bow.