Red State

Pastor Abin Cooper:
[from trailer] I fear God. You better believe I fear God.

Cheyenne:
They're going to kill my family.

Jarod:
Good!

Joseph Keenan:
People just do the strangest things when they believe they're entitled. But they do even stranger things when they just plain believe.

Mrs. Vasquez:
Even the Nazis think this guy is nuckin' futs.

Pastor Abin Cooper:
You're already dead sinner. You destroyed your spirit in a waste of shame.

ASAC Brooks:
How much do you think a cross like that costs?

Joseph Keenan:
Do you mean in dollars or common sense?

Joseph Keenan:
[at the inquest, staring into space]

Agent Carol:
And then what happened? Special Agent Keenan? Special Agent Keenan?

Joseph Keenan:
[breaks out of it]

Agent Carol:
What happened?

Joseph Keenan:
I subdued the suspect... with a head butt.

Agent Carol:
[amused] A head butt?

Joseph Keenan:
Yes sir. The suspect was standing... unnaturally close. And then the trumpet blast sounded three more times, and a fourth and a fifth. By then it was pretty clear that the Rapture wasn't going to happen, so we rounded up the remaining Five Pointers.

Agent Carol:
Hey, what was it? The trumpet blasts?

Joseph Keenan:
Pardon?

Agent Carol:
The trumpet blast, what was it really?

Joseph Keenan:
Oh, that. Well some new neighbors, these eco kids from the university with a compost collective - they've got an acre off of the ass end of the Five Point property, other side of the hill. Abin's been giving them a bunch of guff because of the smell of the compost.

Agent Hammond:
Was it bad?

Joseph Keenan:
[laughs] Gets so you could taste it. But Abin's been harassing these kids, sending some of his bigger boys over to b*tch at first, maybe break a window or two. Then I guess they went old school - lots of sugar in gas tanks, burning bags of dog sh*t.

Agent Carol:
The college kids?

Joseph Keenan:
No, that was Cooper and his church. The eco kids never so much as called the cops. They got creative instead. They thought it'd be funny to take a page out of Revelations and get Cooper and his family's hopes up with the trumpets. So they got this big-ass rusty old siren from a fire house that just got a new one. The fire chief said they could take the damn thing so long as they carted it off, it's as big as a Mini Cooper. So they trucked this thing down to their compost collective, they put it in a barn, they hook it up to an iPod of all things. And they played these single note trumpet blasts they pulled off the Internet.

Agent Hammond:
And they had no idea that you were even there?

Joseph Keenan:
[shrugs] Just dumb luck...

Joseph Keenan:
You said this was going to be a simple in-and-out, sir. [holds phone up to sound of machine gun fire, then speaks again] Simple just sh*t itself.

Joseph Keenan:
Who fired? *Who fired*, goddamn it?

ASAC Brooks:
Local Agent Three!

Sherrif Wynan:
[Keenan storms over to Wynan and grabs him by ear] Ah! Goddamn it! What is-?

Joseph Keenan:
[sweeps Wynan's hat off] Who the f*** are you?

Sherrif Wynan:
I'm...

Joseph Keenan:
Did he fire at us?

Sherrif Wynan:
No, he-he was armed...

Joseph Keenan:
Did he open fire on us?

Sherrif Wynan:
That son of a b*tch had a machine gun!

Joseph Keenan:
They got *kids* in there, a**hole!

Sherrif Wynan:
Sorry! I'm s...

Joseph Keenan:
Kids you just turned into hostages!

Sherrif Wynan:
I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

Joseph Keenan:
A**hole!

Sherrif Wynan:
You can't talk to me, you son of a b*tch, I am a King's County elected official!

Joseph Keenan:
[wrests Wynan's rifle from him] Sit your ass back in your vehicle! [tosses rifle to tactical agent] *Now!*

Joseph Keenan:
You're still gonna kill them...

Agent Carol:
The U.S. Government doesn't kill people, Agent Keenan, in or out of custody.

Agent Hammond:
[switches off camera] Of course we're going to kill them, Joe. We're going to kill them with kindness.

[last lines]

Pastor Abin Cooper:
[preaching and singing in his jail cell]

Prisoner:
[from the next cell] Shut the f*** up!

[repeated line]

Jarod:
I'm not even gay!

Jarod:
You killed my f***ing friend.