Red State2011

Joseph Keenan:
[at the inquest, staring into space]

Agent Carol:
And then what happened? Special Agent Keenan? Special Agent Keenan?

Joseph Keenan:
[breaks out of it]

Agent Carol:
What happened?

Joseph Keenan:
I subdued the suspect... with a head butt.

Agent Carol:
[amused] A head butt?

Joseph Keenan:
Yes sir. The suspect was standing... unnaturally close. And then the trumpet blast sounded three more times, and a fourth and a fifth. By then it was pretty clear that the Rapture wasn't going to happen, so we rounded up the remaining Five Pointers.

Agent Carol:
Hey, what was it? The trumpet blasts?

Joseph Keenan:
Pardon?

Agent Carol:
The trumpet blast, what was it really?

Joseph Keenan:
Oh, that. Well some new neighbors, these eco kids from the university with a compost collective - they've got an acre off of the ass end of the Five Point property, other side of the hill. Abin's been giving them a bunch of guff because of the smell of the compost.

Agent Hammond:
Was it bad?

Joseph Keenan:
[laughs] Gets so you could taste it. But Abin's been harassing these kids, sending some of his bigger boys over to b*tch at first, maybe break a window or two. Then I guess they went old school - lots of sugar in gas tanks, burning bags of dog sh*t.

Agent Carol:
The college kids?

Joseph Keenan:
No, that was Cooper and his church. The eco kids never so much as called the cops. They got creative instead. They thought it'd be funny to take a page out of Revelations and get Cooper and his family's hopes up with the trumpets. So they got this big-ass rusty old siren from a fire house that just got a new one. The fire chief said they could take the damn thing so long as they carted it off, it's as big as a Mini Cooper. So they trucked this thing down to their compost collective, they put it in a barn, they hook it up to an iPod of all things. And they played these single note trumpet blasts they pulled off the Internet.

Agent Hammond:
And they had no idea that you were even there?

Joseph Keenan:
[shrugs] Just dumb luck...