Rick and Morty

Rick:
Wubba Lubba Dub Dub!

Rick:
[interrupting Beth] Whatever you are asking, the answer is I'm amazing.

Dr. Xenon Bloom:
There is no auto pilot, someone will have to stay behind and operate it manually. [long pause while he looks at Morty & Anna]

Morty:
[Morty and Anna look at each other,then back at Dr.Bloom]

Dr. Xenon Bloom:
Ya this is all my fault, I'll stay. It was a dick move for me to even pause like that.

Rick:
The first rule of space travel, kids is always check out distress beacons.

Rick:
Nine out of ten times it's a ship full of dead aliens and a bunch of free sh*t!

Rick:
One out of ten times it's a deadly trap, but...

Rick:
I'm ready to roll those dice!

Morty Smith:
Summer, he's happy, I'm happy, is that why you are doing this? You don't want me and Rick to be happy?

Summer Smith:
No!

Morty Smith:
Well then get your sh*t together, get it all together and put it in a back pack, all your sh*t, so its together [pause] And if you gotta take it some where, take it somewhere, you know, take it to the sh*t store and sell it, or put it in the sh*t museum. I don't care what you do, you just gotta get it together. [pause] Get your sh*t together.

Rick:
Rick: The Machine of Unspeakable Doom will swap your conscious and unconscious minds, rendering your fantasies pointless while everything you've known becomes impossible to grasp. Also, every 10 seconds it stabs your balls.

Rick:
Earth Rick C-1-37, the council of ricks sentences you to The Machine of Unspeakable Doom. Which will swap your conscious and unconscious minds, rendering your fantasies pointless while everything you've known becomes impossible to grasp. Also, every 10 seconds it stabs your balls.

Cromulon:
SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT.

Rick:
Get Schwifty

Centaur:
Sexual hang-ups in the pleasure chamber are punishable by death!

Snuffles:
Where are my testicles, Summer? Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed, where have they gone?

Summer:
Oh, wow. That's an intense line of questioning, Snuffles.

Snuffles:
Do not call me that! Snuffles was my slave name. You shall now call me Snowball, because my fur is pretty and white.

[Rick and Morty encounter a sultry and scantily-clad Summer in Mr. Goldenfold/Mrs. Pancakes' dream]

Rick:
Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams of the people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister.

Dream Summer:
Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy. Let's make an intergenerational sandwich.

Rick:
Allah euuh... Akbar! We're gonna take control of this plane! We're gonna 9/11 it unless Morty Smith gets better grades in math!

Rick:
If you get killed in someone else's dream, you die for real, Morty.

Rick:
It's a dream, Morty. We're in your dog's dream. The night the dogs captured us, after you cried and crapped your pants, we all went to sleep. Then I used my dream inceptors to put the two of us inside Snuffles' dream.

Morty:
But I-it's been like a whole year!

Rick:
It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality, and dog time is one-seventh human time. So, you know, every day here is like a minute. It's like Inception, Morty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie.

Morty:
Aw, man. I really liked this life. Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants.

Rick:
No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Morty. You're sleeping in your crap right now. Out of all the things that happened to you, that was the only real thing that, you know, is that you crapped your pants. I mean, it's a mess out there. I got some on my hands, Morty, and then I got it on the dream inceptor, and a piece fell in my mouth.

[Rick and Jerry fly through space in an escape pod after the aliens ostensibly tricked both of them successfully. Visibly dejected, Jerry draws with his finger on the pod's condensed window pane]

Rick:
Hey Jerry, don't worry about it. [Patronizingly puts his hand on Jerry's shoulder] So what if the most meaningful day in your life was a simulation operating at minimum compl- [belches] -exity?

Jerry:
You know what, Rick? [Rick puts out his flask and starts drinking unfazed as Jerry continues talking] Those guys took *you* for a ride, too! You should learn having a little respect for the dummies of the universe - now that you're one of us.

Rick:
Huh. Maybe you're right, Jerry... maybe you're right.

[the scene changes to the alien ship. They are seen celebrating the acquisition of Rick's formula by immediately using it, adding all of the ingredients one by one in a bowl. As the last one gets added, the ship immediately blows up in a huge explosion, sending out a shock-wave that reaches and shakes the escape pod]

Jerry:
Woah, what the hell! What- what happened back there?

Rick:
Why don't you ask the smartest people in the universe, Jerry? [Takes a final sip from his flask] Oh yeah, [belches] you can't. They blew up.

[Rick puts away his flask, pushes a button to make his seat recline, lies back relaxed, and starts vocalizing the Baker Street sax solo as the camera zooms out into the vast space]

Rick:
Oh, great adventure, buddy. Rick and Morty go to a giant prison. You know if someone drops the soap it's going to land on our heads and crush our spines, Morty. You know, it'll be really easy to rape us after that.

Meeseeks:
We are created to serve a singular purpose, for which we will go at any lengths to fulfill!

Rick:
Stupid-ass, fart-saving, carpet-store motherf***er.

Morty:
You sold a gun to a murderer so you could play video games?

Rick:
Yeah, sure, I mean, if you spend all day shuffling words around, you can make anything sound bad, Morty.

Krombopulos Michael:
Oh, boy! Here I go killin' again!

Fart:
He saved my life!

Rick:
What?

Morty:
Huh? Oh. Are you Krombopulos Michael's target? W-w-what's your name?

Fart:
My kind has no use for names. I communicate through what you call "Jessica's feet." No, "telepathy."

Rick:
Oh, good job, Morty. Y-you-you killed my best customer, but you saved a mind-reading fart.

Fart:
I like this name, "Fart."

Morty:
Rick, we're taking him back where he belongs.

Rick:
Oh, yeah? Where's that? [belch] Are you goin' on a quest to find "he who smelt it?"

Fart:
I came here accidentally through a wormhole located in what you call "get out of my head, Fart, I know you're in here, la la la la." No, in what you call the Promethean Nebula.

Rick:
What, so everyone's supposed to sleep every single night now? Y-you realize that nighttime makes up half of all time?

Rick:
I'm sorry, Morty. It's a bummer. In reality, you're as dumb as they come. But I needed those seeds real bad and I had to give 'em up just to get your parents off my back. So now we're gonna have to go get more. And then we're gonna go on even more adventures after that, Morty. And you're gonna keep your mouth shut about 'em, Morty. Because the world is full of idiots that don't understand what's important. And they'll tear us apart, Morty. But if you stick with me, I'm gonna accomplish great things, Morty. And you're gonna be a part of 'em. And together we're gonna run around, Morty, we're gonna do all kinds of wonderful things, Morty. Just you and me, Morty. The outside world is our enemy, Morty. We're the only [belch] friends we've got, Morty. It's just Rick and Morty. Rrrick and Morty and their adventures, Morty. Rick and Morty, forever and forever, a hundred years Rick and Morty, s... things. Me and Rick and Morty runnin' around and Rick and Morty time. Aaall day long forever. All, a hundred days Rick and Morty forever a hundred times. Over and over Rick and Morty adventures dot com W W W dot Rick and Morty dot com W W W Rick and Morty adventures all hundred years. Every minute Rick and Morty dot com W W W hundred times Rick and Morty dot com.

Jerry:
Since we're fighting, if you ever have an affair with that guy, I will come to the hotel room and blow my brains out all over your naked bodies!

Principal Vagina:
Tonight is our annual flu season dance. I don't know how many times I have to say this, but if you have the flu, stay home. The flu season dance is about awareness, not celebration. You don't bring dead babies to Passover.

Rick:
I hate to break it to you, but what people call "love" is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. It hits hard Morty then it slowly fades leaving you stranded in a failing marriage. I did it. Your parents are going to do it. Break the cycle Morty, rise above, focus on science.

Beth:
Jerry!Thank god!

Jerry:
God? God's turning people into insect monsters, Beth. I'm the one beating them to death. Thank me.

Rick:
Sorry, please proceed with your story about banging my daughter in high school. I'm not sure you want to take romantic advice from this guy, Morty. His marriage is hanging from a thread.

Jerry:
My marriage is fine, thank you!

Rick:
Jerry, it's your house, whatever you say it is is how it is, but I think a blind man could see Beth is looking for the door. II barely have a reason to care and even I notice.

Child Morty Jr.:
Come on, Rick, don't talk about my parents like that!

Rick:
Listen Morty, I hate to break it to you, but what people call love is just a chemical reaction that compells animals to breed. It hits hard, Morty, then it slowly fades; leaving you stranded in a failing marriage. I did it, your parents are gonna do it, break the cycle, Morty, rise above! Focus on science.

Morty:
You're missing the point, Dad... I don't want girls. I want Jessica!

Jerry:
Ah, well... I remember feeling that way about a young lady named "your mom". And that's not an urban diss-your mom was my Jessica. I remember the first time I saw her. I thought...

Rick:
[opens cupboard] "I should get her pregnant, then she'll have to marry me."

Jerry:
I beg your pardon, Rick. Inappropriate.

Rick:
[rummages freezer and fridge] Sorry, please proceed with your story about banging my daughter in high school. I'm not sure you wanna take romantic advice from this guy, Morty. His marriage is hanging from a thread.

Jerry:
My marriage is FINE, thank you.

Rick:
Jerry, it's your house. Whatever you say it is how it is, but I think a blind man could see that Beth is looking for the door. I barely have a reason to care and even I noticed.

Morty:
C'mon, Rick! Don't talk about my parents like that!

Rick:
Listen Morty, I hate to break it to you, but what people calls "love" is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. It hits hard, Morty, then it slowly fades, leaving you stranded in a failing marriage. I did it. Your parents are gonna do it. Break the cycle, Morty. Rise above. Focus on science.

Davin:
Beth?

Beth:
What is it, Davin?

Davin:
Just once, I'd like to know - [sneezes] - w-w-what it was like to give your son a bath.

Beth:
*What?*

Davin:
What does Morty's skin smell like? How soft - [grunts] - how soft are his privates?

Rick:
Sometimes science is more art then science Morty. Lot of people don't get that.

Summer:
Screw that, this is my chance to gain some popularity and some footing with the cool kids.

Rick:
That's why you party? Boy, you really are seventeen.

Summer:
Why do you party?

Rick:
TO GET R*ugghhb*IGGITY RIGGITY WRECKED SOONN

Tammy:
I love watching bukkake. I mean, like, I don't know if I would personally ever do it.

Don Pardo:
It's "Saturday Night Live"! Starring a piece of toast, two guys with handlebar mustaches, a man painted silver who makes robot noises, Garmanarar, three s- eh- bl- um- uh- uh- uh- I'll get back to that one, a hole in the wall where the men can see it all, and returning for his twenty-fifth consecutive year, Bobby Moynihan!

Rick:
Interesting fun fact: uh, Moynihan and Piece of Toast hate each other. Apparently they've got some real creative differences,

Morty:
That, out there, that's my grave.

Summer:
Wait, what?

Morty:
On one of our adventures, Rick and I basically destroyed the whole world, so we bailed on that reality and we came to this one, because in this one, the world wasn't destroyed and in this one, we were dead. So we came here, a- a- and we buried ourselves and we took their place. And every morning, Summer, I eat breakfast twenty yards away from my own rotting corpse.

Summer:
So you're not my brother?

Morty:
I'm better than your brother. I'm a version of your brother you can trust when he says "Don't run." Nobody exists on purpose, nobody belongs anywhere, everybody's gonna die. Come watch TV.

Rick:
[after watching a new TV series] Pretty cool, huh Morty? [realizes that Morty is gone and Jerry is sitting next to him] Oh...

Jerry:
I thought it was cool...

Rick:
I don't give a f*** what you think, Jerry!

Mr. Goldenfold:
This aftershave made women want me but it also made me impotent!

Mr. Needful:
A price for everything, Mr. Goldenfold. A price for everything. HAHAHA!

Mr. Goldenfold:
Oh my god! How could I not see this coming? MY LUST! MY GREED! I DESERVE THIS!

Rick:
This serum should [burp] counteract the negative effects.

Mr. Goldenfold:
Holy cats! Ladies, let's get outta here. [Off into the distance] I haven't learned a thing!

Mr. Goldenfold:
You know my name? Heh, that's disarming.

Mr. Needful:
This aftershave makes a man quite irresistible to women. Free of charge. One never pays here. Not with money.

Mr. Goldenfold:
Nothing to read into there. Thanks!

Rick:
Cute. Your sister's boss gave me a microscope that would have made me retarded.

Morty:
Ooo, oh boy Rick, I-I don't think you're allowed to say that word. Ya know?

Rick:
Uh Morty, I'm not disparaging the differently abled. I'm stating the fact that if I had used this microscope it would have made me mentally retarded.

Morty:
Ok but yeah, I don't think it's about logic, Rick. I-I think the word has just become a symbolic issue for powerful groups that feel like they're doing the right thing.

Rick:
Well that's retarded.

Rick Sanchez:
Weddings are basically just funerals with cake.

[last lines]

Prisoner:
What are you in for?

Rick Sanchez:
Everything.

Morty:
We all remember you as a friend.

Rick:
Oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny little piece of sh*t, Morty.

Morty:
Oh, yeah?

Rick:
Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb little ass and about six of them are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherf***er! Pull the f***ing trigger!

Rick:
We've got a lot of friends and family to exterminate.

[a montage of Rick's made-up catchphrases]

Rick:
Wubba-lubba-dub-dub!

Rick:
Rikki-Tikki-Tavi, biatch!

Rick:
And that's the waaaaay the news goes!

Rick:
Hit the sack, Jack!

Rick:
Uh-oh, somersault jump!

Rick:
AIDS!

Rick:
And that's why I always say, "shum-shum-schlippety-dop!"

Rick:
Grassssss... tastes bad!

Rick:
No jumpin' in the sewer!

Rick:
Burger time!

Rick:
Rubber baby bubby bunkers!

Rick:
Lick, lick, lick my balls! Ha ha ha, yeah! Say that all the time!

Tinkles:
Summer, I've always loved you!

Summer:
Yep. [shoots Tinkles]

Take a shower with me Morty.