Riverworld

Matt Ellman:
[to Sam] So now, if I do this, how do I know you'll keep your end of the bargain and help me find Jessie?

Allegra Braccioforte de Venezia:
You don't. It's a quandary, I know, but... look at his face. Would this face lie to you?

Matt Ellman:
In a heartbeat.

Samuel Clemens:
[dryly chuckles] It's true - I'm a habitual mendicant, but I pay my debts, not because I'm honest, but because I dislike intensely being obliged to another man. So, if you give me your assistance you will have my help in my return. Measure for measure.

Allegra Braccioforte de Venezia:
Start the engines and get us out of here.

Samuel Clemens:
Not yet. We have an agreement with Mr. Ellman.

Allegra Braccioforte de Venezia:
You really meant all that? I thought you had more sense.

Samuel Clemens:
Sometimes I don't know why I tolerate you.

Allegra Braccioforte de Venezia:
Well, we know it's not for my cooking.

Francisco Pizarro:
Never trust a man who eats blood pudding.

Hal Douglas:
Do people actually do this for fun?

Samuel Clemens:
Well, it is an unassailable fact that, as a recreational activity, mountain-climbing appears chiefly to lunatics, suicides, and the British.

Simon Porter:
Like rugby.

Samuel Clemens:
Are you trying to upstage me, Mr. Porter?

Simon Porter:
Not likely, Mark Twain.

Youseff Mbaye:
Do you want to stand here talking all day, or do you want to climb a mountain?

Samuel Clemens:
You know, Sergeant Mbaye, if I ever novelize our adventures, you will be facing a considerable rewrite.

Matt Ellman:
[to Caretaker] I've got an idea, why don't you and the rest of the Blue Man Group just kill each other and leave the rest of us the hell alone?

Tomoe Gozen:
The road we walk was built with the stones that scar our feet.

Matt Ellman:
As many times as I've seen this, I never get used to it.

Youseff Mbaye:
You're not supposed to.

Richard Burton:
I think the fox has outfoxed the hounds.

Samuel Clemens:
And as to whether or not we can trust you, Mr. Ellman, I suppose we shall see... directly.

Tomoe Gozen:
It is time.

Hal Douglas:
Time for what?

Tomoe Gozen:
Time to be brave.

Tomoe Gozen:
I am Tomoe Gozen! Swordswoman of the Minamoto Clan! Champion, consort, and war-captain to Kisoe Yoshinaka! I bow to no man!

Youseff Mbaye:
Allah gave me a second life. What is the point of living it the same as the first?

Amalie Fabarge:
Half twain.

Samuel Clemens:
Six feet! I've stepped in deeper puddles.

Evgeny:
But we're not fighting?

Richard Burton:
Not *his* battles!

Hal Douglas:
That your friend?

Matt Ellman:
I hope so, I sure as hell don't want her as an enemy.

Francisco Pizarro:
I am not that easy to kill.

Samuel Clemens:
[Shoots Pizarro] Sure you are.

Francisco Pizarro:
Clemens.

Samuel Clemens:
Hello, Francisco

Francisco Pizarro:
Coward! In the back?

Samuel Clemens:
I find if you must shoot a dangerous animal, it's best to do it from behind and at a considerable distance. [shoots him again, killing him] Strange. I thought I'd enjoy that.

Richard Burton:
Captain Sir Richard Francis Burton. My friends call me "Dick."

Samuel Clemens:
Burton? The explorer? You know, I read one of your books. It was amateurish, unnecessarily crude and pathetically self-congratulatory.

Richard Burton:
Mr. Clemens. You know, I'm confused. Are you talking about my work, or yours?

Richard Burton:
Now, Mr. Clemens, if you'll set down your weapon, we can discuss the terms of your surrender.

Samuel Clemens:
"Surrender" is not in my vast vocabulary.

Richard Burton:
How about "bollocks?" Is that in your vast vocabulary?

Samuel Clemens:
You, sir, are a most despicable example of human kind.

Richard Burton:
Why, thank you. Mr Ellman, I'm disappointed, I saved your life once, where's the gratitude?

Matt Ellman:
I'll send flowers.

Richard Burton:
Roses, I find work for any occasion.

Samuel Clemens:
Captain Samuel Clemens, at your service.

Matt Ellman:
Samuel Clemens? As in Mark Twain?

Samuel Clemens:
Guilty as charged.

Richard Burton:
Jessie. Yes, thank you for reminding me. She, uh, gave me a message to give to you. Now what was it?

Matt Ellman:
You bastard.

Richard Burton:
No, that wasn't it.

Allegra Braccioforte de Venezia:
[Seductively] Does it involve adventure?

Richard Burton:
If you call Armageddon a lark.

Samuel Clemens:
We are never gonna catch 'em by followin' the river. We're tortoises... and that hare ain't gettin' any slower.

Samuel Clemens:
The only real enemy in this life is despair, my friend.

Youseff Mbaye:
Maybe this is not the time.

Samuel Clemens:
I'm pontificating.

Matt Ellman:
This doesn't bother you? Being used as puppets. Fighting in a war we barely understand.

Tomoe Gozen:
Saving the world. Stopping evil. Rescuing the woman you love. I have fought wars for less.

Matt Ellman:
That's the first thing I've heard in days that makes any sense.

Amalie Fabarge:
When I was a student, there was a boy. He didn't like the idea of women becoming engineers. So he came to my school and he shot every woman he could find. I remember, when he aimed his rifle at me, his eyes were blank. Reality didn't matter, other people's lives didn't matter, only the puppet show inside his head. You have the same eyes.

Richard Burton:
If you had seen what I have seen, your eyes would be dead, too.

Richard Burton:
Destroying the world as we know it works up quite an appetite.

Allegra Braccioforte de Venezia:
[after making love] Show me that twisty one again!

Richard Burton:
No, not now. Work to do. Worlds to end.