Road Trip

E.L.:
Think about it Josh, you're in college. The window of opportunity to drink and do drugs and take advantage of young girls is getting smaller by the day.

E.L.:
Well, there are these rules that guys have, an understanding as to what exactly constitutes cheating. Take your situation for example: it's not cheating. It's never cheating when you're in a different area code, not to mention a different state.

Kyle:
That makes no sense.

E.L.:
Hey, don't look at me Kyle, OK, I didn't make up the rules.

Rubin:
No no, this is legit, I- I've actually read an article about this. There's a whole bunch of them, it's like- they're like loopholes. Right, for argument's sake, let's say that you were sleeping with two girls at the same time, it- it wouldn't be cheating because they would cancel each other out.

E.L.:
Exactly. Or if, uh, you're too wasted to remember- it is not cheating. Because if you can't really remember it, it never really took place.

E.L.:
Yep. I'd give us about 20 minutes before our first ass-raping.

Beth:
What do you look for in a girl?

Josh:
She should be smart, and funny.

Josh:
That's good too.

Beth:
Do you feel better yet?

Josh:
I feel a little bit better, yes.

Beth:
What else do you look for?

Josh:
She should be nice and attractive and... topless. Topless is good.

E.L.:
Did you kill a cheetah?

Rubin:
I just said we'd make it across. I didn't say anything about the wheels staying on.

Josh:
What the hell are we gonna do now? I'm totally screwed! I don't have time to be walking through the woods right now!

Grandpa Manilow:
You gonna pass that dube?

E.L.:
Hey, it's 10 feet. Bob Hope could jump this in his golf cart. See, watch, I can spit across it.

E.L.:
Did I say two fingers? Better make that three.

E.L.:
W-w-w-wait a second. Tell me you mailed the Beth tape to Tiffany.

E.L.:
Yes!

Josh:
Sh*t! Oh, no! Oh, no!

Barry:
Hey, hey.

Josh:
What?

Barry:
Did you make a copy? Because if you made a copy we could watch the copy.

E.L.:
I would give my life for one night of consensual sex with her.

Kyle:
It's not cheating if you spread peanut butter on your balls and let your dog lick it off.

Kyle:
Because it's your dog.

Rubin:
Jesus Christ!

Kyle:
You know, because it's YOUR dog, get it?

Rubin:
Yeah, we've got it.

Beth:
Are there any guys out there who are JUST NORMAL?

Barry:
This is the Joseph H. Nelson Memorial Library, here. Okay? It was built in the 1600s.

Student in the Tour:
1600s? It says it was built in 1951.

Barry:
That's the address. Okay? Wise-ass.

Barry:
Austin? Austin, Massachusetts?

Corky the Dog:
Hey, Old man... I got the f***in' munchies real bad... what about you?

E.L.:
Just copy off someone.

Josh:
I can't. It's all essay and stuff. You know, if I fail this, my average is shot, I might lose my financial aid, I could not be allowed on campus next semester.

E.L.:
Well, you're f***ed, then. You might as well come to my party tonight, hook up with Beth, and at least enjoy your last week at college.

Josh:
I'm not hooking up with anybody, alright? I've made a commitment to Tiffany. I'm invested in this relationship.

E.L.:
Invested? Who are you, Charles Schwab? Would you listen to yourself? I would give my life for one night of consensual sex with her.

Rubin:
It's supposed to be a challenge, it's a shortcut! If it were easy it would just be the way.

Corky the Dog:
Hey, Jack, have that b*tch make me some blueberry pancakes... Right now.

E.L.:
Barry, hit the lights. It's boner time!

Barry:
Can we please feed Mitch now?

Rubin:
No. If he overeats, he could die.

Barry:
So? It would be worth it.

Rubin:
This is sort of an unusual question, but do you have any marijuana I might be able to buy from you? Our car exploded last night and I'm practically all out of my own.

Motel Clerk:
Am I a drug dealer? No, I am not. Thank you for asking, though.

Rubin:
No? OK. That's OK. Thanks.

Motel Clerk:
Is there anything else I can help you with? Perhaps you'd like an 11-year old prostitute sent to your room. We can do that. Or maybe we can off someone for you. Hunh? How's that sound? I've got it. Why don't we start small? Would you like a fresh towel? Maybe you could roll that up and smoke it.

Rubin:
[sotto, walking away] Dick.

Motel Clerk:
By the way, Cheech, that credit card you guys gave me last night was maxed out, so don't go spending all your cash on needles and guns just yet.

E.L.:
Barry, fast forward to the horny stuff.

[The tape fast forwards, only to play more of the video message to Tiffany]

E.L.:
Is this the kind of sh*t you've been sending Tiffany?

Josh:
I thought I told you to mail this yesterday?

Rubin:
Yeah, it was on your desk I mailed it this morning.

Josh:
[Josh watches for a second, then the reality hits him] OH F***!

[Josh scrabbles on the floor for the video]

E.L.:
W-w-w-wait a second. Tell me you mailed the Beth tape to Tiffany.

[Josh nods]

E.L.:
Yes!

Josh:
Sh*t! Oh, no! Oh, no!

Barry:
Hey, hey.

Josh:
What?

Barry:
Did you make a copy? Because if you made a copy we could watch the copy.

E.L.:
[trying to convince Josh to have sex with Beth] Your dick will never forgive you.

E.L.:
[bends down to talk to Josh's dick] What do you think little man? Don't you ever want to experience something new?

E.L.:
[pretends to be Josh's dick with squeaky high pitched voice] It ain't easy beings Josh's penis. Nothing has happened for two months it feels like I'm in a coma. I wish I was your dick EL, because this is torture. If something doesn't happen soon, I'm just going to pack up my balls and leave.

Kyle:
Well, we had a few drinks, danced a little, and... y'know.

E.L.:
No, we don't know. Why don't you tell us?

[Kyle reaches into his bag and pulls out an oversized pair of leopard-print panties]

E.L.:
What the hell is that?! Did you kill a cheetah?

Kyle:
What? No, these are her underwear! She gave them to me! [puts them up to his face and sniffs them, much to everyone's disgust] I boinked her!

E.L.:
... "boinked"?

[Everyone laughs, including Kyle who is still too proud to care]

Josh:
Well, Kyle, I certainly hope you got all the "boinking" out of your system, because we got a lot of driving to do today, guys.

Josh:
You can teach ancient philosophy in 46 hours?

Rubin:
I can teach Japanese to a chimp in 46 hours. You just have to find a way to relate the material.

Frat member:
[Holding up a white hood] Are you in the Ku Klux Klan?

Josh:
Whoa whoa, that isn't ours.

Kyle:
That's not mine!

Josh:
OK, hold on, th-there's obviously some explanation.

Frat member:
There is. See your boy here's an evil bigot, and now he's gonna die.

Kyle:
[faints]

Barry:
[attempts to convince the snake to eat a mouse] Unleash the fury!

Barry:
[singing] Tiny salmon swimming in a stream / Tiny salmon chasing that impossible dream / The mynah bird says, "Caw. Ca-Caw" / The chimpanzee says, "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" / The friendly owl says, "Hoo, hoo-hoo" / But the salmon can only say, "Bloobloobloobloo. Blooboloobloobloo. Blooboloobolooooo-Blooblooo-Bloobloobloo." / And it's sad.

Jacob:
[Text on his T-shirt] "God is awesome."