Robin Hood: Men in Tights

Sheriff of Rottingham:
A chastity belt! That's really going to chafe my willy!

Achoo:
Hey, Blinkin!

Blinkin:
Did you say "Abe Lincoln"?

Robin Hood:
Blinkin! What are you doing?

Blinkin:
Guessing. I guess no one's coming.

Little John:
That there is Will Scarlet.

Scarlet:
Actually, Scarlet is my middle name. My whole name is Will Scarlet O'Hara.

Scarlet:
We're from Georgia.

Blinkin:
Oh Master Robin!

Blinkin:
You lost your arms in battle! But you grew some nice b*obs.

Robin Hood:
Blinkin, I'm over here.

Robin Hood:
Prepare for the fight scene!

Prince John:
Such an unusual name, "Latrine." How did your family come by it?

Latrine:
We changed it in the 9th century.

Prince John:
You mean you changed it TO "Latrine"?

Latrine:
Yeah. Used to be "Shithouse."

Prince John:
It's a good change. That's a good change!

Man in church:
Hey Abbot!

Abbot:
I hate that guy!

Prince John:
And why would the people listen to you?

Robin Hood:
Because, unlike some other Robin Hoods, I can speak with an English accent.

Blinkin:
This never would have happened if your father was alive.

Robin Hood:
He's dead?

Blinkin:
Yes.

Robin Hood:
And my mother?

Blinkin:
She died of pneumonia while - oh, you were away!

Robin Hood:
My three brothers?

Blinkin:
Died of the plague.

Robin Hood:
My dog Pogo?

Blinkin:
Run over by a carriage.

Robin Hood:
My goldfish Goldie?

Blinkin:
Eaten by the cat.

Robin Hood:
My cat?

Blinkin:
Choked on the goldfish. Oh, it's good to be home, ain't it, Master Robin?

Prince John:
I tell you that tonight, we shall have a wedding. Or a hanging. Either way, we ought to have a lot of fun, huh?

Robin Hood:
And who might you be?

Little John:
Oh, they call me Little John. But don't let my name fool you. In real life, I'm very big.

Robin Hood:
I'll take your word for it.

Robin Hood:
Kindly let me pass.

Little John:
Uh, no. Sorry, but a toll is a toll, and a roll is a roll, and if we don't get no tolls, then we don't eat no rolls.

Little John:
I made that up.

Robin Hood:
It's very fascinating. But I'm afraid I'm going to have to hurt you.

Sheriff of Rottingham:
You know, this wasn't a very smart thing to do, Locksley. I'll pay for this! I mean, YOU'LL pay for this!

Sheriff of Rottingham:
King illegal forest to pig wild kill in it a is!

Prince John:
Save me, save me! Hurt them, hurt them!

Sheriff of Rottingham:
Save them, save them, hurt you, hurt you, yes, I've got it!

Sheriff of Rottingham:
Over that boy hand!

Sheriff of Rottingham:
Hand over that boy!

King Richard:
Take him to the Tower of London. Make him part of the tour.

Achoo:
Let's get out of this ladies clothing and get into our tights!

Broomhilde:
Nooooooo! Before you do it, you must go through it! Or else I blew it.

Maid Marian:
I've come to warn you, Prince John and Rottingham have hired men to kill you at the fair tomorrow. You musn't go.

Robin Hood:
Then I won't.

Maid Marian:
Oh, good. They were going to try to lure you there with an archery contest.

Robin Hood:
An archery contest?

Maid Marian:
Their archer is unbeatable.

Robin Hood:
Really?

Maid Marian:
Robin, promise you won't go.

Robin Hood:
All right, I promise you won't go.

Achoo:
Say Robin, didn't you say...

Robin Hood:
Cool it...

Achoo:
Chilled.

Robin Hood:
I lost. I lost? Wait a minute, I'm not supposed to lose. Let me see the script.

Robin Hood:
My first matter of business I would like to appoint a new Sheriff... My friend Achoo.

Blinkin:
He's black!

Achoo:
Hey, it worked in Blazing Saddles!

Little John:
Let's face it. You've gotta be a man to wear tights!

Robin Hood:
Are you with me? Yea or Nay?

Robin Hood:
By the way, do you know praying mantis?

Achoo:
You're looking at him.

Achoo:
What part of Georgia you from? South Central?

Achoo:
Man, white men can't jump

Achoo:
Time Out! Sorry bad guys, but I am running out of air. Gotta get pumpin'.

Achoo:
OK Honkies. Time In!

Achoo:
We didn't land on Sherwood Forest! Sherwood Forest landed on us!

Robin Hood:
This is Ahchoo.

Little John:
Bless you!

Achoo:
That's my name, man!

Robin Hood:
This is Ahchoo.

Blinkin:
A Jew? Here?

Robin Hood:
No no, not a Jew. Ahchoo.

Blinkin:
I can see!

Blinkin:
Nope, I was wrong.

Sheriff of Rottingham:
This is a stealth catapult, we've been secretly working on it for months. It can hurl large rocks at the enemy without it being detected.

Prince John:
Fantastic how does it work?

Sheriff of Rottingham:
Its rather simple, you get one of these big rocks here and you put it in this im sitting in then you pull that leaver

Prince John:
What like this?

Sheriff of Rottingham:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH

Blinkin:
Oh good, they've opened the salad bar.

Robin Hood:
Nice shooting, Achoo.

Achoo:
To tell you the truth, I was aiming for the Hangman.

Robin Hood:
Lend me your ears!

Robin Hood:
That's disgusting!

Robin Hood:
King? King? And which King might that be? King Richard? King Louis? King Kong? Larry King?

Scarlet:
Blinkin! Fix your b*obs; you look like a bleedin' Picasso!

Prince John:
Send word to one and all, and all and one... that's a little redundant, isn't it?

Prince John:
Shut up!

Maid Marian:
Oh, darling, don't despair! For it is written on a scroll: "One day, he, who is destined for me, shall be endowed with a magical key, that will bring an end to my... virginity."

Robin Hood:
Oh, Marian, if only 'twere me.

Maid Marian:
Oh, if 'twere you, 'twould be... twerrific.

Broomhilde:
No ding-ding vithout a vedding ring!

King Richard:
From this day forth, all toilets in this kingdom shall be known as "Johns"!

Sheriff of Rottingham:
I was angry at you before Locksley, but now I'm really pissed off!

Achoo:
Pissed off? If I was that close to a horse's wiener I'd be worrying about being pissed on!

Robin Hood:
Ah! Right rope!

Robin Hood:
I am Robin Hood, and these are my Merry Men!

Rabbi Tuckman:
Faygeles?

Robin Hood:
No, straight. Just Merry.

Abbot:
We are here to witness the marriage, of Mervin, the Sheriff of... Mervin? Your name is Mervin?

Sheriff of Rottingham:
Yes! Yes get on with it.

Abbot:
OK... Mervin.

Rabbi Tuckman:
The ladies love a circumcision!

Achoo:
He's gonna deflower her in the tower!

Robin Hood:
You've just entered the territory of Robin Hood and his Merry Men.

Rabbi Tuckman:
[makes a suggestive wave of his hand] Faigelehs?

Robin Hood:
No, no, we're straight, just merry.

Rabbi Tuckman:
Azoy?

Robin Hood:
Blinkin, I'd like you to meet Ahchoo.

Blinkin:
A Jew? Here?

Sheriff of Rottingham:
The old man is Loxley.

Prince John:
Are you sure? He looks like Mark Twain.

[After Achoo is named the new Sheriff of Rottingham]

Townspeople:
A black sheriff?!

Blinkin:
He's black?

Achoo:
And why not? It worked in Blazing Saddles.

Boy:
Thank you for saving me life, me lord. I'll tell every man that there is one who is not afraid to stand up to Rottingham.

Robin Hood:
Good. Tell them that. And tell them I vow to put an end to the injustice. Right the wrongs. End the tyranny. Restore the throne. Protect the forest. Introduce folk dancing. Demand a four-day workweek and health care for Saxons and Normans...

“Achoo?”

“Bless you!”

Latrine looks at the camera and says,”I was that close, to the penis”.

Rabbi Tuckman:
Excuse me, King. Why, if you like this guy so much, do you object to his marrying Maid Marian?

King Richard:
I have no objection, but I have not yet kissed the bride. It is a custom, and my royal right. [hands the rabbi his sword] Hold this, Father.

Rabbi Tuckman:
Rabbi.

King Richard:
Whatever.

[tilts Maid Marian and gives her a very long kiss]

Rabbi Tuckman:
[impressed] It's good to be the king.

King Richard:
Now... [voice squeaking] you may marry them!

Rabbi Tuckman:
Thank you. Here's your knife.

King Richard:
Sword.

Rabbi Tuckman:
Whatever.