Robot Chicken: Star Wars

George Lucas:
[being chased by costumed fans] I have a bad feeling about this.

Palpatine:
[on the phone with Darth Vader] Vader! How's my favorite Sith?... Whoa whoa whoa... whoa, whoa. Just - slow down. Huh? What do you mean they blew up the Death Star? F***! Oh, f***! F***! F***!... Who's "they"?... What the hell is an Aluminum Falcon?

[sighs]

Palpatine:
OK, OK, so who's left?... Are you shitting me?... Well, where are you?... Wait a sec, you've been flying around for two weeks trying to get a signal?... Oh, you must smell like... feet wrapped in leathery, burnt bacon... Oh, oh, oh! Oh, I'm sorry, I thought my Dark Lord of the Sith could protect a small thermal exhaust port that's only two meters wide! That thing wasn't even fully paid off yet!... Do you - do you have ANY idea what this is going to do to my credit?

[phone beeps, he sighs]

Palpatine:
Hang on, I've got another call.

[switches line]

Palpatine:
WHAT? I'm very busy right now!... Oh! Oh, well - well, where are they going?... Oh, all right, uh... just get me a turkey club... Um, coleslaw, I guess. I'm not even gonna eat it... Well, what are you getting?... See, I always order the wrong thing. No, no, I'll just stick with that. OK, bye - what?... Oh, uh, Cherry Coke. Thanks.

[switches line]

Palpatine:
Sorry about that.

[sighs]

Palpatine:
What?... Oh, oh, "just rebuild it"? Oh, real f***ing original. And who's going to give me a loan, jackhole, you?... You got an ATM on that torso Lite-Brite? Now get your seven-foot-two asthmatic ass back here, or I'm going to tell everyone what a whiny b*tch you were about Padama-may or Panda Bear or whatever the hell her name is!...

[covers receiver]

Palpatine:
Oh, jeez, he's crying!

[giggles, then into phone]

Palpatine:
Hey, hey, hey, hey. C'mon. C'mon, don't do that. Just - just. Look, you know, I'm just dealing with a lot of crap right now. Death Star blown up by a bunch of f***in' teenagers, you know? I didn't mean to snap.

[makes "jack-off" motion]

Palpatine:
Oh, uh - just get back here. OK. OK. Bye. I... um... I...

Palpatine:
[whispers into phone] I love you, too.

Darth Vader:
Luke... I am your father!

Luke Skywalker:
Noooo! That's impossible!

Darth Vader:
It's true! And Princess Leia is your sister!

Luke Skywalker:
That's... improbable.

Darth Vader:
And the Empire will be defeated by Ewoks!

Luke Skywalker:
That's... highly unlikely...

Darth Vader:
And as a kid, I built C-3PO!

Luke Skywalker:
...wha? [time passes]

Darth Vader:
And you know that all-powerful Force? That's really just microscopic bacteria called Midichlorians!

Luke Skywalker:
[smoking a cigarette] Look, if you're not gonna take this seriously, I'm outta here!

Luke Skywalker:
Your overconfidence is your weakness.

Palpatine:
Your faith in your friends is yours.

Luke Skywalker:
Not my faith in yo momma...

Palpatine:
What was that?

Luke Skywalker:
I said yo momma's so fat, Jabba the Hutt said DAAAAAMN!

Palpatine:
Well, your mother is so ugly she put the 'ug' in 'ugnaught!'

Darth Vader:
Ohh, yo momma fight!

[Cut to next scene. Luke and Palpatine are on stage in front of a crowd]

Luke Skywalker:
Yo momma's so stupid, she spent all day saying 'am not' to R2!

Palpatine:
Your mother is so fat, that Ben Kenobi said 'That's no moon, that's yo momma!'

Luke Skywalker:
Yo momma's so stupid, she thought Jar Jar came with pickles pickles!

Palpatine:
Your mother is so stupid she, she thinks, uh, that lightsabres come with fewer calories!

[Music cuts. Crowd fallls silent]

Palpatine:
You know, cause it's 'lite,' and it's got less calories... and it's good for your body, ummm... anyway that's how stupid your mother is...

Luke Skywalker:
Yo momma's so stupid she went to Bangkok to get a TIE fighter!

Crowd:
Luke wins!

[Darth Vader throws Palpatine into the reactor core]

Zuckuss:
How do you plan on putting down this rebellion everyone's talking about?

Palpatine Parody:
By shooting it with lightning! That's how I solve all my problems! And then afterwards I shall eat pudding.

Princess Leia Organa:
[lying in bed next to Luke] That was *so* wrong!