Rock & Chips

[a Hood throws a paper aeroplane at Freddie and Jelly]

Young Hood:
Sorry.

[Hood changes the song on the Jukebox]

Freddie 'The Frog' Robdal:
Put Johnnie Ray on.

Young Hood:
What?

Freddie 'The Frog' Robdal:
Put Johnnie Ray on.

Young Hood:
Johnnie Ray?

Freddie 'The Frog' Robdal:
Yeah, put Johnnie Ray on.

Young Hood:
Why?

Gerald 'Jelly' Kelly:
'Cuz he said.

Freddie 'The Frog' Robdal:
'Cuz I said.

Gerald 'Jelly' Kelly:
Put Johnnie Ray on.

Freddie 'The Frog' Robdal:
Put Johnnie Ray on.

Gerald 'Jelly' Kelly:
Put Johnnie Ray on.

Young Hood:
I don't like Johnnie Ray.

Freddie 'The Frog' Robdal:
I do.

Gerald 'Jelly' Kelly:
He does.

Freddie 'The Frog' Robdal:
Everyone likes Johnnie Ray.

Gerald 'Jelly' Kelly:
I like Johnnie Ray.

Freddie 'The Frog' Robdal:
He likes Johnnie Ray.

Gerald 'Jelly' Kelly:
He likes Johnnie Ray.

Freddie 'The Frog' Robdal:
Do you like Johnnie Ray?

Young Hood:
[Uneasy] Yeah.

Freddie 'The Frog' Robdal:
Put Johnnie Ray on.

Gerald 'Jelly' Kelly:
Put Johnnie Ray on.

Denzil:
Trig, you've just put four sugars in there.

Trigger:
Yeah. Gives you energy.

Denzil:
But it's Bovril.

Trigger:
I can't help it if I've got a sweet tooth, Denzil.

Freddie Robdal:
Is Reg working?

[Joan giggles disdainfully]

Joan Trotter:
He had a job but it only lasted a week. They caught him asleep on duty.

Freddie Robdal:
What was he doing?

Joan Trotter:
He was trolley-bus driver.

[talking about Joan]

Vi Trotter:
She's got something the young people nowadays call the "baby blues". I had it with your dad. Oooh, I was moody and irritable.

Del Trotter:
Does it last long?

Ted Trotter:
[mutters] Thirty-six years so far.

[Ernie Rayner has just made a Tannoy announcement at the cinema and doesn't realise that the microphone is still live]

Ernie Rayner:
Off you go Miss Turpin. Oh, and is that button fastened securely?

[Ernie touches a button on Reenie's uniform near her breast]

Reenie Turpin:
[shouts] Get your hands off me, Ernie Rayner, you dirty old man!

[shot of cinema audience listening to every word]

Ernie Rayner:
What's come over you, dear?

Reenie Turpin:
I'll tell you what's come over me. Your *hands* are what's come over me. You're like a sodding octopus!

Raymond:
Mr Rayner was just trying to adjust your uniform.

Reenie Turpin:
If he does it again, I'll simply adjust his knackers.

Ernie Rayner:
Raymond, she is obviously in the throes of the menstrual cycle.

Reenie Turpin:
I'll wrap a *motorcycle* round your head if you don't shut up! Get out of the way and let me sell this chemical crap to the punters.

[everyone in the audience smirks as Reenie walks into the auditorium with a tray of ice cream]

[at the dinner table, Joan tries out a French phrase that Freddie the Frog has taught her]

Joan Trotter:
J'adore un soixante-neuf.

Ted Trotter:
She all right?

Reg Trotter:
What's that?

Joan Trotter:
It's French.

Del Trotter:
Where did you learn that?

Joan Trotter:
At the flicks. A Brigitte Bardot film.

Vi Trotter:
What's it mean?

Joan Trotter:
I was told it means "I am enjoying this dinner".

[Del is having dinner with Glenda and her family. Glenda's mother, Edna, is a French teacher]

Glenda's Gran:
What's this?

Edna:
It's coq au vin. Have you ever had coq au vin, Derek?

[Del smirks because he thinks it means "sex in a car"]

Del Trotter:
No, this is the first time, Mrs Wilkins.

Roger:
We discovered it on one of our visits to France.

Glenda's Gran:
It's sh*t.

[Del tries out the French phrase that his mother has learned from Freddie the Frog]

Del Trotter:
J'adore un soixante-neuf.

[stunned silence]

[Amita, whose parents are Indian, has just introduced herself to the Trotters as Del's fianc?e]

Vi Trotter:
Do you ever wear Indian clothes, Amita?

Amita:
Only at family gatherings.

[Vi is obsessed with knitting]

Vi Trotter:
I'm going to give you the *best* Christmas present you've ever had, darling. I'm gonna knit you a sari.

Girl at Party:
I'm not wearing a bra.

Trigger:
I'm not wearing a vest, but I'm not bragging about it.

Denzil:
What? You just get engaged to a girl, and she comes across with the goods?

Del Trotter:
It's give and take, Denzil. In a week or so later, before she starts talking about lampshades, you let her see you drunk, she chucks the ring back at you. It's easy, ask him.

[points at Albie Littlewood, who reacts]

Del Trotter:
You've had a lark, you've still got your ring. Next!

DI Thomas:
You know, I was hoping that after all this time, your subconscious would let go of its little sea of memories. So let's give it another try, shall we?

Gerald 'Jelly' Kelly:
Shouldn't our lawyer be present?

DI Thomas:
Only if you're frightened of something.

Freddie Robdal:
We used to blow up German battleships, so you two dribblers couldn't make us jump in a haunted house.

DI Thomas:
Last night, I had this strange dream.

Freddie Robdal:
You've been a widower for eighteen months, so don't feel bad about it.

Freddie Robdal:
Our lawyer was applying for bail first thing this morning.

DI Thomas:
I know. First thing this morning I called the magistrate, Mr Colinwood, and opposed your bail. I can't release two old sea dogs like you. First smell of the sea and you'll be sailing off to God-Knows-Where. So I'm sorry, boys, but it's jail, not bail.

Gerald 'Jelly' Kelly:
Oh, would that be ex-Commodore Colinwood? Late of the Royal Navy?

Freddie Robdal:
Commodore Colinwood who presented us with our Commendations for Bravery?

[Long pause]

DI Thomas:
[Irate] Bollocks!

DI Thomas:
I'm looking forward to a nice, comfy Christmas at home, me.

Freddie Robdal:
Bet your wife ain't.

DC Stanton:
DI Thomas's wife died eighteen months ago.

Freddie Robdal:
Sorry to hear that.

DI Thomas:
Thanks, Fred. Not to worry. I didn't really like her.

Freddie Robdal:
I don't know what it is about prisons. Always seems to attract the worst kind... and criminals.

[Slater has arrested Del and Jumbo for selling illegal LPs. Sergeant Foster dances to Brenda Lee in the station]

Sergeant Foster:
Yes, she's a very talented little lady. I mean, she can't sing, but she's very talented.

Roy Slater:
Yeah, I'm a big fan. Will this go down in my file, Sarge? As my first arrest?

Sergeant Foster:
No, it won't. You're a scabby little cadet and don't forget it. You keep your nose clean and pass your exams when you're eighteen, we might let you become a proper copper. 'Till then, bugger off.

Alberto Balsam:
You see, Derek, boys and girls are different. And I know, I'm Spanish. The girl, she want to get married and have the babies. But, before the church and the wedding and the fighting, is the engagement, OK? Now, the girl, she doesn't want to lose her fiancee boy, because then no wedding, no babies, and she's ugly, so she want to keep him happy. And how's she going to keep him happy? The jiggy-jiggy, know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying. It's give and it's take, Derek. Where I come from in Spain, us boys, we have this saying: "When the ring go on, something come off." Now you know what I'm saying!

Reg Trotter:
What's that racket you put on in there now?

Joan Trotter:
It's Johnnie Ray.

Reg Trotter:
What d'you wanna listen to that poof for?

Joan Trotter:
Don't call him a poof! He's deaf in one ear!

Reg Trotter:
At least he don't have to listen to it.

Albie Littlewood:
I had a dream. Now it's dead.

Del Trotter:
Let's have a one-minute silence then.

Roy Slater:
[menacingly] You're new. You should have some respect.

Denzil:
[cheekily] I know I should - but I'm from Liverpooool.

[talking about the new high-rise flats that the council is building]

Joan Trotter:
Mr Johnson, I was wondering if you could advise me about applying for a flat there. After all, you're in charge. You see, me and my family have become very overcrowded since my father-in-law came to live with us. Him and me teenage son have to share a bedroom - it's not healthy.

Mr Johnson:
I seriously wouldn't hold out any hope of you qualifying for a tenancy there. The council are giving preference to people with young children and growing families. Are you and your husband thinking of having more children?

Joan Trotter:
[horrified] God, no!

Mr Johnson:
And as for your father-in-law, the council would take the attitude that, well, he can look after himself.

Joan Trotter:
They don't know him.

Mr Johnson:
Does he have a disability?

Joan Trotter:
Sort of - he's useless!

[Del has just gone out in his best suit]

Joan Trotter:
What's he mean he's staying out tonight?

Ted Trotter:
Dunno. Maybe he's going night-fishing.

Joan Trotter:
[sarcastically] Oh, of course. That would explain the suit and tie and all them rods and maggots he was carrying. Night fishing!

Ted Trotter:
[to himself] Well I think you'll find he's trying to hook *something*!

Reg Trotter:
What have the French got to offer us? Citro?ns and snails, that's all.

Clayton:
You know, I can't understand how they can eat them kind of creatures.

Ted Trotter:
Have you ever seen a snail close-up? Looks like a bogie in a crash-helmet!

[Del and his friends are admiring Freddy Robdal's car]

Gerald 'Jelly' Kelly:
Had your look, boys?

Boycie:
Oh, we weren't doing nothing, honest. Just saying "Nice motor".

Freddie 'The Frog' Robdal:
Yeah, MY nice motor.

Del Trotter:
Yeah well I'm gonna drive a car like this one day.

Freddie 'The Frog' Robdal:
Well you make sure it ain't this one, otherwise you'll find me playing ping-pong with your testicles. All right, cocker, away you go.

Del Trotter:
Yeah, well my jag'll be faster than yours, 'cause I'm gonna have a red one!

Freddie 'The Frog' Robdal:
[to Del, Trigger, Boycie, Denzil, Albie and Jumbo] Well, come along you lot. We're supposed to be the Jolly Boys.

Gerald 'Jelly' Kelly:
Let's get out and have a beano!

[Del and the others cheer]

Trigger:
I've never met anyone called Denzil before.

Denzil:
You must be the only fella in the world called Trigger.

Trigger:
No, there's a boy down my street called Trigger.

Del Trotter:
That's you, Trig.

[Reg threatens to punch Joan in the eyes]

Del Trotter:
What did you just say to her?

Joan Trotter:
Del, do what I do: just ignore him.

Reg Trotter:
Yeah, keep your nose out son. That way, it won't get broke.

Del Trotter:
Oh, is that right? Well there's a yard out there, so come on, John Wayne, show me how it's done!

Ted Trotter:
Del, leave it, son.

Del Trotter:
Stay out of it, Grandad!

[Del and Reg stare menacingly at each other for a few moments]

Reg Trotter:
Ah, can't be bothered with all this! I'm going down the pub. Barmaid's got better drinks on the slate!

Freddie 'The Frog' Robdal:
As you know, when it comes to religion, I've always been something of an agnostic. But now, Jelly me old oppo, I am a believer. There is a God, and he lives in Peckham.

Gerald 'Jelly' Kelly:
Yeah, bless you.

Jumbo Mills:
[to Denzil] Boycie's tighter than Buck Rogers' spacesuit.

Del Trotter:
And that's airtight!

Jumbo Mills:
So, what brought you to London?

Denzil:
Me old man got off at a job. He's working in the docks.

Jumbo Mills:
[Interested] Really? What does he do at the docks?

Denzil:
He's a security guard.

Del Trotter:
Oh, right. Well, me and Jumbo'll have to pop round and meet your family sometime. We can tell your Dad about the ancient customs at London docks.

Denzil:
Yeah. Just give us a bit of time to settle in.

Jumbo Mills:
Yeah, no hurry.

Del Trotter:
We'll pop round tonight.

[Joan and Del have been talking about Rodney's dirty nappy. Vi arrives to baby-sit. Ted comes into the room]

Ted Trotter:
[sarcastically] Oh God, that's lovely to to wake up to, ain't it?

Reg Trotter:
It's only a shitty nappy.

Ted Trotter:
No, I'm talking about your nan. Eighteen months ago I walked out of that flat in Deptford to get away from her, and now she's here.

Reg Trotter:
Well go back to the flat in Deptford, then.

[Joan and Freddy are lying in bed]

Joan Trotter:
I've been working as your charlady for over six months now, and I still don't know how to switch your Hoover on.

Freddie Robdal:
No, but you're very good with that squeegee.

[DI Thomas is questioning Freddie and Gerald about the jewellery robbery in Margate]

DC Stanton:
We have an eye-witness to the robbery.

Freddie Robdal:
Really? And who might that be?

DI Thomas:
At this juncture we're not willing to give you any information about our eye-witness: whether it was a man or a woman, old or young, married or single. Absolutely nothing.

Gerald Kelly:
Why have they taken so long in coming forward?

DI Thomas:
Because him and his wife have just got back from a spell in the rest-home.

[DI Thomas realises that he has just given away far too much information]

[Beryl Bird, mother of Del's latest finac?e Barbara, had just made a pass at Del. Bernard and Barbara, together with Del's parents, have just walked in on them to find Del with his hands on Beryl's breasts]

Beryl Bird:
[to Barbara] I never had your enjoyment. I never went to parties and had fun.

Barbara Bird:
Oh, not The War again! Boring!

Beryl Bird:
Oh no, it was much worse than The War. I got married. The Blitz was fun compared to him. I've spent the last twenty years trapped in this house. To him it's The Aviary. To me it's a cage.

[Beryl glares at Bernard]

[the Birds' housemaid opens the door for Del, who thinks it's Barbara's mother]

Del Trotter:
F***in' hell...

Bernard Bird:
You need a doctor.

Beryl Bird:
No, Bernard, I just need another drink.

Bernard Bird:
I forbid you, Beryl!

Beryl Bird:
Oh f*** off, darling!

[Del, Joan and Reg gasp]

Freddie Robdal:
Why'd you pawn the ring?

Joan Trotter:
I'm gonna get it back in a couple of weeks.

Freddie Robdal:
Why'd you pawn the ring?

Joan Trotter:
My son wanted to buy a Lambretta. He'll pay me back soon. Are they gonna hang you?

Freddie Robdal:
No, but after I get my hands on you, they might!

DI Thomas:
[to Robdal] I was never really like you, Fred. I mean, you got a reputation with the fairer sex. Well, I have as well, but not the one I wanted. Poor labido, very poor. Occasionally I've managed something that passed as passion, but a lot of women mistook it for a fit. So, this has been my lot for the past twenty years. Police stations that smell of onions, barrister's dandruff, hung juries and a lazy lob.

Joan Trotter:
What about Reg? He might come down to Bournemouth looking for us.

Freddie Robdal:
He'll only come down once. That's a big ocean.

Joan Trotter:
Don't say things like that.

Freddie Robdal:
Reg knows what'll happen if he makes a nuisance of himself. I know you can find his IQ on a dice, but he ain't that stupid.

[Joan smiles]

Freddie Robdal:
I'm out soon, and that's when our lives begin. Just keep thinking of us down on that beach. If it's a nice day, we can jump in the boat, sail out to sea and have a picnic in France.

Joan Trotter:
[Faltering with joy] Oh shut up...

Freddie Robdal:
Then we'll sail back, in time for little'un to get into bed, ready for school in the morning. He'll love it.

Joan Trotter:
I know he will. He's got a name. Rodney.

Freddie Robdal:
[Half uneasy] Yeah, I know. You know, some people use their middle name instead of their first. Has he got a middle name?

Joan Trotter:
Charlton.

Freddie Robdal:
[Discreetly but obviously disappointed] Yeah, Rodney'll love it.

Joan Trotter:
But what about my Derek? My eldest son, I mean, I don't want to just leave him, not the way he is. I wanna make sure he's OK.

Freddie Robdal:
Well he's a teenager. He can look after himself, can't he?

Joan Trotter:
No, I'd worry about him. I've got to make sure he's settled before we run off.

Barbara Bird:
Tell Del, good luck with "Dracula on the Moon".

[Runs off crying]

Joan Trotter:
I'll give him "Dracula on the f***ing Moon" when I get my hands on him!

Ernie Rayner:
Who are you?

Freddie Robdal:
I'm the last bloke in the world you want to meet.