Rock of Ages

Dennis Dupree:
This place is about to become a sea of sweat, ear-shattering music and puke.

Sherrie Christian:
I'm a stripper at the Venus Club.

Drew Boley:
I'm in a boy band.

[long pause]

Sherrie Christian:
You win.

Sherrie Christian:
He's better than Concrete Balls.

Lonny:
That's a good point, Concrete Balls are very heavy.

Dennis Dupree:
I just threw up.

Lonny:
Where?

Dennis Dupree:
In my pants... out of my ass.

Stacee Jaxx:
I know me better than anyone... because I live in here... and nobody else can.

Constance Sack:
I can

Lonny:
[looking at Patricia Whitmore] Now look at him, married to a woman who looks like she's been hibernating in Margaret Thatcher's bumhole.

Lonny:
Why is everybody quitting today?

Justice Charlier:
Cognac, brandy.

Sherrie Christian:
Oh no, I don't mix my drinks.

Justice Charlier:
No...

[points at a barmaid]

Justice Charlier:
...this is Cognac. She's getting you a brandy.

Lonny:
Drew... what's the name of your band, mate?

Drew Boley:
Wolfgang Von Colt.

Lonny:
...and you're sticking with that are you?

Drew Boley:
Yeah...

Lonny:
[to audience] Please welcome to the stage very poorly titled Wolfgang Van Colt!

Drew Boley:
...Von Colt.

Lonny:
[to Drew] It's not an improvement. [to audience] Wolfgang VON Colt!

Lonny:
[to Drew] You beautiful bastard.

Stacee Jaxx:
[after having sex with Constance Sack] That... that... can be on the record.

Patricia Whitmore:
This man spews out three things: sex... hateful music... and... [beat]... sex!

Dennis Dupree:
[after Dennis has accepted Drew's band as Arsenal's opening act] Okay. Call your band.

Drew Boley:
[yells to Bourbon Room employees] Guys! We're opening up for Arsenal! [Drew's band mates drop what they're doing inside the club, run on stage]

Dennis Dupree:
Doesn't anyone just want to work in the bar industry anymore?

Drew Boley:
Thank you! You won't regret this, we're gonna blow you away.

Dennis Dupree:
Oh, you're gonna blow me all right. Okay, three songs, no covers. I need you guys to be amazing tonight, so start drinking...

Dennis Dupree:
[looks at watch] NOW.

Dennis Dupree:
Paul! You're early!

Paul Gill:
Actually, I told Stacee the gig was last night, so technically we're a day late... don't tell him.

Paul Gill:
Stacee! You need to go on stage, man!

Stacee Jaxx:
...I am on stage, Paul. [Stacee falls over into pool]

Paul Gill:
[sighs] Oh, sh*t.

Lonny:
[playing "Donkey Kong" arcade game] No! Nobody puts Donkey in the corner!

Sherrie Christian:
[trying to convince Dennis to use Drew's band as Arsenal's opening act] And he'll do it for free! Besides, nobody cares about the opening act anyway.

Sherrie Christian:
[turns to Drew] No offense!

Sherrie Christian, Drew Boley:
None taken!

Stacee Jaxx:
[Waves empty bottle to his pet baboon, "Hey Man"] Hey Man, Scotch me.

Dennis Dupree:
Sh*t! Our opener just dropped out.

Lonny:
Concrete Balls?

Dennis Dupree:
They're in rehab.

Lonny:
Both of them?

Dennis Dupree:
There's six of them!

Lonny:
Jesus, that band's got a lot of balls!

Dennis Dupree:
Betty Ford had a group rate.

Lonny:
Do you think they do therapy individually, or in pairs?

Dennis Dupree:
Knock it off!

Lonny:
[to audience] Performing on this stage later will be none other than Stacee Jaxx! [crowd cheers]

Lonny:
...but first! Making their debut on the Bourbon stage, the less important, but still somehow worthwhile... [uncrumbles piece of paper and reads from]... Z Guyeez... z?

Lonny:
[shrugs] Eh, sure, give it a whirl I suppose.

Drew Boley:
Paul, I am Wolfgang Von Colt. Not 'Joshy-Z', or the 'Z Guyz'.

Paul Gill:
It's not the Z Guyz, it's 'Z-Guyeezz'.

Drew Boley:
...Z-Guyeezz?

Paul Gill:
Double the E, double the Z, double the flava!

Drew Boley:
[confused] What does the 'Z' even stand for?

Paul Gill:
[thinks] Um... nothing! You're over-thinking it! Look, names that end in 'Z' are very popular among the 14-21 audience. We did a whole focus group on this. Numbers don't lie.

Paul Gill:
[after Drew quits the boy band] Rock is dead!

Drew Boley:
Rock is not dead! [Hey Man punches Paul] Alright Hey Man!

Crowd:
Stacee! Stacee! Stacee!

Lonny:
Ladies and gentlemen are you ready to rock? Welcome to the famous Bourbon Room on the Sunset Strip... Stacee Jaxx and Arsenal!

Stacee Jaxx:
Hey Los Angeles! This is a little song called "Paradise City"!

Dennis Dupree:
Hey Stacee you made it!

Stacee Jaxx:
Hey Man...

Dennis Dupree:
Yeah, hey, man.

Stacee Jaxx:
[Points to his pet baboon] No, this... is Hey Man.

Paul Gill:
Okay great interview, hope you got everything

Constance Sack:
You're not a cowboy

Stacee Jaxx:
Why don't you tell me what I am?

Constance Sack:
You are man-child stuck in a rut

Stacee Jaxx:
I love it when you talk dirty...

Constance Sack:
You used to be great, but whatever made you that way, it's gone

Stacee Jaxx:
That's right give it to me rough

Constance Sack:
Now you are just another asleep at the wheel singing songs you wrote ten years ago.

Paul Gill:
Okay lady...

Constance Sack:
Oh and as long as you got this manager keeping you on the road and doping you up with girls and booze and million dollar record deals he's gonna keep you asleep, and drive your career right off a cliff.

Paul Gill:
Line crossed. Let's go sweetheart

Constance Sack:
Don't touch me. [to Stacee] You used to write great songs. Where are they now?

Paul Gill:
You know what? I'm calling your editor. Close friend of mine, by the way. Jann Wenner's office

Stacee Jaxx:
Get out

Paul Gill:
My words exactly. This interview is over

Stacee Jaxx:
No, no, no, not her. You. All of you

Paul Gill:
Copy that. Everybody out

Stacee Jaxx:
Five minutes and go!

Constance Sack:
Okay Stacee Jaxx back at the Bourbon...

Stacee Jaxx:
No, no, no. No. Now go

Constance Sack:
Uh, at the Bourbon where it all started, your first album "Stick Meat" gave birth to some of rock's greatest anthems. And now a solo career. Why now?

Stacee Jaxx:
Well... I think... I think due to the changing nature of the music industry... The change in cultural trends... And when you think of blah blah blah and blah blah blah, you make sure that you wanna take in blah blah hahaha. Four minutes

Constance Sack:
You know, some people have said that you've become quite difficult to work with. That you're constantly late, you're reclusive, sometimes even nonsensical

Stacee Jaxx:
I wanna ask you this: Have these people, even met themselves?

Constance Sack:
Well, I'm talking about your band

Stacee Jaxx:
Let me tell you something. I know me better than anyone because I live in here. Eight minutes

Constance Sack:
You just said four

Stacee Jaxx:
Three

Constance Sack:
Do you think that it's possible, that you've shut down or alienated so many people, that you had no other option but to go solo?

Stacee Jaxx:
You gotta be true to the muse. Hey Man, scotch me, little buddy

Constance Sack:
And who is your muse? Ahem

Constance Sack:
Born Steven Jackson in Detroit Michigan...

Stacee Jaxx:
Are we out?

Constance Sack:
...Raised by a single mom, Doris, now deceased. Dropped out of Woodrow Wilson High in 11th grade. Your first concert was Aerosmith. When you were 17 you hitchhiked to LA with your high school sweetheart. Remember her? No comment? Hmmm?

Stacee Jaxx:
Two minutes

Constance Sack:
Did I hit a nerve? Aerosmith? Detroit? High school sweetheart? Jenny Anderson, your first love. And your last hit single "I'm gonna rock you in your mouth" it was written about her

Stacee Jaxx:
Record sold 100 million copies

Constance Sack:
And that record was produced about eight years ago. Some people say you've sold out since then

Stacee Jaxx:
I sell out all right. Every seat, every stadium I ever play

Constance Sack:
Yeah, and yet creatively you've come to a standstill. You've been in and out of the studio for the past, what? Two years? And no results. Nothing

Stacee Jaxx:
Time

Constance Sack:
[after the interview] You know you're not so weird. You're just another lonely man with many regrets

Stacee Jaxx:
I said time. You can go now

Constance Sack:
Final question. What happens when you realize you can't get rid of Stacee Jaxx?

Stacee Jaxx:
You have no idea what it's like to be me

Constance Sack:
Well, then here's your chance. What's it like to be the Stacee Jaxx?

Constance Sack:
You know, I think you get this sense of entitlement due to the fact that you're a rock god. But it's not real. It's not love

Stacee Jaxx:
No. It's not love.

Constance Sack:
Then what is it?

Stacee Jaxx:
Off the record? Sex. And other people's projections of what they want me to be. Or what you and all your readers want me to be. Sex And it keeps me from going out... and getting the one thing that could save me. But I can't have that now. I'm a slave to rock 'n' roll. I am searching for the perfect song... the perfect sound that will make you wanna live forever. Like I said, I know me better than anyone because I live in here... and no one else can...

Constance Sack:
I can...

Lonny:
[rubbing a microphone on his crotch] Sniff the mic!