Rock Slyde

Rock Slyde:
I'm sorry I like black women. It started off as a phase, really. I was young and found myself watching Soul Train every Saturday morning. It really was the chicken or the egg theory at work. Did I like black women because I watched Soul Train or did I watch Soul Train because I liked black women. All the women were compelling - even the lone ever-present dancing Asian girl. But it was the images of those African queens, shaking what the good lord gave 'em, that I could never get out of my head.

[first lines]

Rock Slyde:
My name is Rock Slyde, and I blame my mother. With a name like that I was destined for one of two careers. That's detective work, or porn. After starring in two art films, I decided the glamor life of a porn star wasn't for me. Besides, I was hung like a hamster.

Sara:
[coming to] Ugh, what happened.

Rock Slyde:
Somebody jumped you.

Sara:
Wasn't it you?

Rock Slyde:
I was hoping you wouldn't ask that.

Rock Slyde:
It's impossible for me to love again. My heart is frozen.

Sara:
Maybe I can thaw it for you.

Rock Slyde:
A thousand monkeys operating a thousand microwaves for a thousand years couldn't thaw this icy heart.

Rock Slyde:
I'm a horrible person and have lots of flaws. Look, I'm stupid and dumb, and um, I smell bad like a rancid ape. My mother hates me. I got problems. I pee in the shower, and uh, I still think Pluto's a planet - I don't care what anybody says. I'm a fan of Dan Cooks.

Rock Slyde:
I don't do religion and I don't do politics.

Bart:
What is it you do do, Mr. Slyde?

Rock Slyde:
[thinking] Mmm, he said doo doo. [out loud] Crossword puzzles.

Bart:
Then perhaps you know a 4-letter word for something that frightens you.

Rock Slyde:
I didn't say I was good at 'em, I said I did 'em.

[last lines]

Rock Slyde:
Sara Lee and I went on a little vacation to Hawaii were we figured out apparently that the eBay feedback form and Tuesday supermarket flyers aren't enough to keep two people together. [raising repaired coffee mug to his mouth] Besides, I still like black women. [coffee mug handle suddenly breaks off] Damn, that was hot.