Root of All Evil

Himself - Host:
I'm Lewis Black, and this is my courtroom, where I put on trial all the people and things that make me want to fall asleep with a bottle of whiskey and a teddy bear.

Himself - Host:
I'm Lewis Black, and this is my courtroom, where I put on trial all the people and things that make me want to stick my head into a meat grinder.

Himself - Host:
I'm Lewis Black, and this is my courtroom, where I put on trial all the people and things that make me want to jump head first into the shallow end of an empty swimming pool.

Himself - Host:
Welcome back the The Root of All Evil. Donald Trump vs Viagra. Stiff and stiffer!

Himself - Host:
Welcome back to the Root of All Evil. It's Donald Trump vs Viagra. A relentless dick, or the same thing.

Kathleen Madigan:
Kim Jong-Il is the Amy Winehouse of dictators.

Himself - Host:
I'm Lewis Black, and this is my courtroom, where I put on trial all the people and things that make me want to strangle myself with a television cord.

Andrew Daly:
Beer ruined the 20th Century, because nobody loves beer more than Germans, and nobody loved Hitler more than Germans on beer. Beer caused World Wars I and II, all weed ever caused was Caddyshacks I and II. And, my friends, only one of those movies was a globally devastating human catastrophe.