Rosemary & Thyme

Rosemary Boxer:
[Referring to Professor Mullins] Before he retired, he was an authority on Ancient Rome.

Laura Thyme:
[laughs] Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your shears!

Rosemary Boxer:
Professor Mullins, meet Rosemary thyme.

Professor Mullins:
[Shaking her hand] Another horny-handed daughter of the soil.

Laura Thyme:
[Unsure if she's been complimented] If that means I'm a gardener, then you're absolutely right.

Rosemary Boxer:
[about Hugo Dainty, who is addressing the group] Very commanding, isn't he?

Laura Thyme:
I'd go over the top for him anytime!

Professor Mullins:
[Sarcastically to Paula] My apologies overtaxing your simian brain!

Laura Thyme:
[about Mendes] Sod him and the horse he rode in on!

Laura Thyme:
Oh, my God! I just think I let Rosemary go off with a murderer!

Laura Thyme:
Toddy! Fancy meeting you here!

Todd Whiting:
Look, you never saw me. okay?

Rosemary Boxer:
The past is not the best way to the future.

Laura Thyme:
[Seeing some Muslim men blocking their way further down the road] You don't happen nto know the Arabic for 'Good afternoon,' do you?

Rosemary Boxer:
But I do know the English for 'Back the way we came.'

Julian Marchant:
I've been thinking...

Rosemary Boxer:
[sarcastically] I thought that was forbidden for college principals.

Julian Marchant:
Why don't we give it another go?

Rosemary Boxer:
[annoyed] Because the go went, Julian! After eight months I have decided never again to get romantically entangled with a man who pronounces both his R's in February.

Rosemary Boxer:
Maybe he'll come back when she's bored with him.

Laura Thyme:
[Bitterly] I wouldn't have him back if he crawled back on hands and knees over broken glass!

Rosemary Boxer:
Atta girl!gf

Laura Thyme:
I love gardening.

Rosemary Boxer:
So do I, but I'm more on the academic side - more bookworm than an earthworm.

Laura Thyme:
What were you doing behind a bush?

Rosemary Boxer:
Hiding.

Rosemary Boxer:
[furiously entering the room] You toad!

Julian Marchant:
Ah, you have my letter.

Rosemary Boxer:
You vermin!

Julian Marchant:
Look, I'm... [mumbles]

Rosemary Boxer:
[Viciously] You cheap, grisly, low-rent, dismal little crumb bugger!

Laura Thyme:
[after Rosemary punched Julian in the face] That was sensational! What weight do you normally fight at?

Doctor Pattison:
[after examining some buried bones] Okay, we can all go home.

Rosemary Boxer:
[Excitedly as bullets come through the window] Laura, we're being shot at!

Laura Thyme:
[Opening the crashed car door] You all right?

Dennis Belfrage:
[Bloody and angry] That's a bloody stupid question!

Rosemary Boxer:
Do you remember we showed you a button?

Fiona Georgeson:
[Sipping from a tulip glass of champagne during the entire conversation] Button? No! [Rosemary and Laura nod in disagreement and Rosemary takes out the button and displays it] Oh, the toggle. [Condescendingly] Do get it right, Ducky.

Rosemary Boxer:
And I asked you if you knew anyone who had a coat with that kind of [Hesitatingly]... toggle. Did you know?

Laura Thyme:
Yes, she did.

Fiona Georgeson:
Yes, I did. Yes, yes, it must have slipped my mind.

Laura Thyme:
Or you were deliberately trying to conceal the truth?

Fiona Georgeson:
Or I was deliberately trying to conceal the truth. Probably the latter. I'm not very famous for my veracity.

Rosemary Boxer:
May we sit down?

Fiona Georgeson:
No, I don't think so. You're not amusing.

Laura Thyme:
Why didn't you admit that you had owned such a coat?

Fiona Georgeson:
I suppose you've heard the village gossip about me running off with Denny?

Rosemary Boxer:
Yes.

Fiona Georgeson:
Poor Denny. Denny gave me the coat.

Laura Thyme:
And... ?

Fiona Georgeson:
Well, much to your surpreez, Ducky, I didn't want to bring it up in front of my pig of a husband. He has swinish, jealous rages from time to time or oinks away in the most alarming manner, waving his trotters about. That's why I gave the coat away in the first place.

Laura Thyme:
[walking through estate grounds, discussing previous night's mysterious shooting] Maybe he saw someone; an intruder, or a poacher.

Rosemary Boxer:
Poacher?

Laura Thyme:
They can be quite a problem you know.

Rosemary Boxer:
You come across a lot of poachers in the police force?

Laura Thyme:
Not in North Kensington, no.

Rosemary Boxer:
...and overcome with grief, she committed suicide.

Laura Thyme:
And overcome with tidiness, she buried herself?

Rosemary Boxer:
[after opening the door] What do you think you're doing? You've broken the bloody window! [Laura drags her back inside]

Rosemary Boxer:
Oh,I don't know what came over me.

Laura Thyme:
Sheer bloody lunacy that's what came over you. Here, drink this. Come on,down in one.

Rosemary Boxer:
Oh,that's very nice.

Laura Thyme:
You're in shock.

Rosemary Boxer:
I think I need two more.

Laura Thyme:
I want you to calm down not fall over.

Laura Thyme:
[engine turns over and gears grate] Ooo! Oh. God! I really don't see why we can't have a proper car!

Rosemary Boxer:
Why? Why? We need this one for work.

Laura Thyme:
Well, a newer model at least!

Rosemary Boxer:
Well, no, no. After this one they put in girly things like comfortable seats and power steering and... rubbish like that.

Rosemary Boxer:
[to Laura] You're going to swan around being theatrical!

Laura Thyme:
break a leg! That's theatrical talk.

Laura Thyme:
Yeah, I knew you'd soon pick it up.

Laura Thyme:
Is there nothing sadder than an empty theater?

Rosemary Boxer:
[Annoyed] Oh, do shut up, Laura!

Rosemary Boxer:
You know what they say when the policemen start looking young.

Laura Thyme:
To be the senior investigating officer, she looks like she's right out of college.

Elaine Bingham:
What's happening here? First, the Dean's accident and now this. There's a jinx on the close, and things always happen in 3's. Whatever's next?

Laura Thyme:
Is there anyone here who doesn't have their snout in the trough?

Rosemary Boxer:
Rosemary, do you think he's turning her against me? Anything's possible with that rat bag!

Phillip Elliott:
Don't worry, ladies. I know jiu-jitsu. Your flowers are in good hands.

Laura Thyme:
Life gets messy, Helena. We just have to get through it as best we can.

Rosemary Boxer:
Then you did have a rummage then?

Laura Thyme:
I never could resist a bathroom cabinet.

Laura Thyme:
There's one thing I've learned about love.

Helena Thyme:
And that is?

Laura Thyme:
That I know nothing whatever about it. It comes in all shapes and sizes.

[laughs]

Laura Thyme:
On me like a snowflake and melts away to nothing... drops on you from great height and sticks like glue... You never know when it's going to come or what sort you're going to get.

Helena Thyme:
What sort did you get with Dad?

Laura Thyme:
Sort of like being dumped on by a passing pigeon... messy and bloody hard to shift.

Blanca Parfitt:
Ola, Rosemary, are you playing tennis today?

Rosemary Boxer:
The last time I used my racket was ten years ago... for draining spaghetti.

Matthew Thyme:
You know what they say, Mom. It's better for the bull to die in the ring than in the abattoir.

Laura Thyme:
Yes, reall? Did anyone ask the bull?

Rosemary Boxer:
We're only here for plants, mate.

Edward Dawson:
Our students come from all over Europe. Our present intake is from Poland. They learn about our way of life, and we put the final gloss on their English.

Rosemary Boxer:
Sort of Polish them up... Sorry.

Laura Thyme:
[Seeing Felix pat Angelica's derriere] So that's why they call you "The Handyman!"

D.I. Scott:
What makes you so sure it was murder?

Rosemary Boxer:
Well, Felix didn't cut his own throat, did he?

Laura Thyme:
Unh, he was very good with his hands apparently. You found the murder weapon yet?

D.I. Scott:
No. The pathologist says it was quick, clean, and businesslike.

Rosemary Boxer:
Think of all the advancements that have been made in grass cultivation over the past sixty yeats! Lawn husbandry has been raised to a science!

Laura Thyme:
[to perfume saleslady] I'm afraid perfume and I don't get on. It's my skin type. It always ends up smelling like lavatory cleaner.

[a body was found which the police wrongly identified as Rosemary's. Now Rosemary is introduced to the policeman who is investigating the murder]

Laura Thyme:
May I present Dr Rosemary Boxer. Reports of her death have been greatly exaggerated.

DI Derek Mills:
I'm terribly sorry we made such a mistake.

Rosemary Boxer:
[drily] I'm not, funnily enough!

Laura Thyme:
If looks could kill, I'd be the one with the luggage ticket on my toe.

DI Derek Mills:
[about to show a cadaver] You ready for this?

Laura Thyme:
We've seen dead bodies before.

Rosemary Boxer:
[Observing Earle digging in the lawn] What is your professional opinion of these?

Dr Richard Earle:
[Sarcastically] Well, these are what archaeologists call 'holes in the ground.'

Laura Thyme:
Upsidedown cake? I'll bet it's the right side up!

Mike Garner:
[Looking at pictures of artifacts] What I've give to have this in my collection!

Laura Thyme:
It must be priceless.

Mike Garner:
[Cynically] Everything's got a price.

Stuart Blackton:
How does afternoon tea on the terrace sound to you... on the house?

Rosemary Boxer:
[Understating] Very bearable.

Ben Blackton:
I think we should have a toast. To absent friends. I'd say something fancy but I can't think of what.

Laura Thyme:
Angus put it best: "Music is the wine that fills the cup of silence."

Rosemary Boxer:
Angus. Where's that from?

Ben Blackton:
Blake?

Granddad:
Wordsworth?

Laura Thyme:
Robert Fripp, King Crimson. Cheers!

Quinnie Dorell:
Is it considered polite to read someone's address book?

Laura Thyme:
It is if they're dead.

[taking cynically about bringing up children]

Laura Thyme:
For the first two years you're up to your elbows in poo and puke. Then for the next ten, you feed them and educate them, and nurse them through every disease known to man - and some only known to veterinary science. Then they shut themselves in their bedroom and play cruel music at you. And shout through the keyhole that you don't understand them and they hate you.

Penelope Braxton:
we've been divorced for a long time, but we'll be getting married again next week.

Penelope Braxton:
How can a wooden spoon recognize the flavor of the soup?

Rosemary Boxer:
You know, some people just don't deserve to be mothers!

Rosemary Boxer:
What are you going to do if you get murdered?

Laura Thyme:
Lie down and wait for help.

Laura Thyme:
[pricking her finger on a rosebush] Oh!

Rosemary Boxer:
I told you! Gloves, you naana!

[after a pause]

Rosemary Boxer:
Now you'll die of septicemea, and you never learned to change the wheels on the land rover.

Laura Thyme:
[muffled by the finger] Isn't there a test you can do?

Rosemary Boxer:
Pardon?

Laura Thyme:
[Removing finger from mouth] I said, isn't there a test you can do?

Rosemary Boxer:
Yes. It takes forever to get the results, and all it tells us is the plant is sick!

Richard Oakley:
[introducing himself] Oakley - classics.

Laura Thyme:
[Mocking his terseness] Boxer.

Laura Thyme:
Thyme - plants.

Rosemary Boxer:
I do not believe you're a batterer of women, Richard.

Richard Oakley:
It's not an activity in which I routinely indulge.

Richard Oakley:
Look, for reasons I don't feel presently obliged to explain, I have fallen on my rusty sword, but I can still apologize like a gentleman.

Laura Thyme:
How can soil be new?

Laura Thyme:
[Realising Richard has sneaked up on them] Oh!

Richard Oakley:
Sorry - thirty years of sneaking up on maggots!

Laura Thyme:
You call the boys maggots?

Richard Oakley:
No, that's what they call themselves - you should hear what they call us!

Richard Oakley:
[Indicating a female teacher] This vision is Miss Wells

Miss Wells:
Which no-one ever calls me - they all call me Welly!

Richard Oakley:
I don't - but then I'm a million years old!

Rosemary Boxer:
[Spotting something in the raised flower bed] Oh, those boys and their practical jokes! [lifts up a hand]

Laura Thyme:
That's a hand!

Rosemary Boxer:
[looking it over] It's so utterly realistic!

Laura Thyme:
That's because... it's a *hand*!

Rosemary Boxer:
[Drops the hand] Okay - now I'm going to be sick!

Laura Thyme:
No you're not - move!

Laura Thyme:
[Clearing the fallen leaves to reveal a dead man] It's Simon Todd!

Rosemary Boxer:
Is he dead?

Laura Thyme:
You usually are when you've got a dirty great harpoon sticking in you!

Emma Standish:
You don't get it, do you? Janice is his long lost daughter. She searches for him high and low. She reveals to him who she is.

Rosemary Boxer:
And then he hits her on the head with a rock?

Emma Standish:
Exactly.

Laura Thyme:
Why would he do that, Emma?

Emma Standish:
Well... you can't expect me to fill in every last detail. Who knows how a man would react when he's confronted by a long lost relative? You know what men are like!

Laura Thyme:
This... doesn't smell right, you know. It just... doesn't... smell right

Rosemary Boxer:
Doesn't it?

Laura Thyme:
No, it doesn't.

Rosemary Boxer:
I think Kate might kill, but she would never steal.

Laura Thyme:
Now, that makes no sense. Killing is a hundred times worse than stealing.

Rosemary Boxer:
It isn't a question of worse or better; it's a question of character.

Frances Caldecott:
[to Jeff] I never interfere with your decisions except when they involve my money.

Gary Pritchard:
[Concerning Frances' murder] Police seem to think she was in the middle of changing her will when she was strangled. Pretty interesting, n'est pas?

Kate Pritchard:
[Seeing Gary counting money] Another satisfied client, darling?

Gary Pritchard:
Well, everyone's wife isn't as tight-assed as you are, sweetheart.

Gary Pritchard:
[Referring to Laura's thermos] Is that gin you got in there?

Laura Thyme:
Beg your pardon!

Gary Pritchard:
Well, you look as if you need revving up a bit.

Laura Thyme:
Mr. Pritchard, you would be the last person I would choose to press my accelerator.

Martin Frazer:
[Commenting on the judge as he walks by] Imagine him in women's underwear.

Rosemary Boxer:
Does it work for you?

Martin Frazer:
A bit too well. I had to stop.

Martin Frazer:
[Describing his estate] It's just a little old place out in the country. It's been in the family since God was in short trousers.

Rosemary Boxer:
[On the phone] Just one more thing... Is there any place decent we could stay?

Martin Frazer:
[laughing] Well, that depends on what you class as decent.

Rosemary Boxer:
Walls and a roof.

Chris Stevens:
I'd like to know how you do a post-mortem on a tree.

Rosemary Boxer:
[Cupping her hands around her mouth sarcastically] With a chainsaw.

Laura Thyme:
What's your experience with goats?

Rosemary Boxer:
None.

Laura Thyme:
Chickens?

Rosemary Boxer:
Only in soup or sandwich form.

Chris Stevens:
Anyone can have a wild and irrational flight of fancy any time. I know I can.

Rosemary Boxer:
It's hard to sleep easy when you have been burnt out of hearth and home.

Laura Thyme:
[Exasperated] It's a tent!

Rosemary Boxer:
We daren't trust anybody!

Franklin Danvers:
So, what prompted this visit? Revenge? Old scores?

Malcolm Sutton:
[sarcastically] Nostalgia. Family commitments.

Laura Thyme:
So, detective Inspector Flannery, have you found the bow that shot the arrow yet?

D.I. Flannery:
There's a tradition in these situations that the police ask the questions.

Laura Thyme:
[to Rosemary] We know the where, and we know the how, but we don't know the who.

Laura Thyme:
It wasn't a happy marriage. Two only children don't go after it easily.

Laura Thyme:
There's somebody moving about downstairs.

Rosemary Boxer:
Why shouldn't there be?

Laura Thyme:
It's four o'clock in the morning!

Inspector Voynet:
Perhaps this matter is not so straightfoward.

Rosemary Boxer:
[to Laura] Don't be such a tourist!

Laura Thyme:
They certainly lead interesting lives out here, don't they?

Laura Thyme:
[when watching a police officer who is also a bit of a gardener] Look at that, a gardening detective.

Rosemary Boxer:
That's the silliest thing I've seen in all my life.

Laura Thyme:
[to Rosemary] You always work on instinct, don't you? I - I can only go by what I see and hear.

Tim Monkton:
Normally to get a rose named after you, you have to be dead.

Grania Monkton:
[relieved it wasn't murder] A heart attack! Oh, that is good news!

Rosemary Boxer:
Not if you were Donald Westward.