Royal Tenenbaums

Eli:
I always wanted to be a Tenenbaum.

Royal:
Me too, me too.

Ethel:
How long have you been a smoker?

Margot:
22 years.

Ethel:
Well I think you should quit.

Royal:
Everyone's against me.

Pagoda:
It's your fault, man.

Royal:
I know but dammit, I want this family to love me. How much money you got?

Pagoda:
I don't have.

Royal:
What? You're Broke? You gotta be kidding me! How are we gonna pay for this room?

Royal:
Alright, I'll think of something... Ow.

Eli:
I wish you'd've done this for me when I was a kid.

Richie:
But you didn't have a drug problem then.

Eli:
Yeah, but it still would've meant a lot to me.

Royal:
Lets shag ass.

Pagoda:
He got the cancer.

Royal:
Oh, that's right. We got another body buried here.

Royal:
Anybody interested in grabbing a couple of burgers and hittin' the cemetery?

Eli:
Well, everyone knows Custer died at Little Bighorn. What this book presupposes is... maybe he didn't.

Narrator:
Immediately after making this statement, Royal realized that it was true.

Eli:
I'm not in love with you any more.

Margot:
I didn't ever know that you were.

Eli:
Let's not make this any more difficult than it already is.

Royal:
That's the last time you put a knife in me! Y'hear me?

Richie:
Did you say you were on Mescaline?

Eli:
I did indeed. Very much so.

Royal:
I'm very sorry for your loss. Your mother was a terribly attractive woman.

Chas:
Can we read it?

Richie:
No.

Chas:
Can you paraphrase it for us?

Richie:
I don't think so.

Chas:
Is it dark?

Richie:
Of course it's dark. It's a suicide note.

Raleigh:
You made a cuckold of me.

Margot:
I know.

Raleigh:
Many times over.

Margot:
So sorry.

Royal:
He saved my life, you know. Thirty years ago. I was knifed at a bazaar in Calcutta, and he carried me to the hospital on his back.

Ari:
Who stabbed you?

Royal:
He did. There was a price on my head, and he was a hired assassin. Stuck me in the gut with a shiv.

Margot:
I think we're just gonna to have to be secretly in love with each other and leave it at that, Ritchie.

Raleigh:
Do you have an alternate?

Raleigh:
Are there priests on call?

Medical Student:
Can the boy tell time?

Raleigh:
Oh, my Lord, no!

Dudley Heinsbergen:
You wanna play some word games, or do some experiments on me or anything?

Royal:
The past six days have been the best six days of probably my whole life.

Narrator:
Immediately after making this statement, Royal realized that it was true.

Richie:
Is it because of us?

Royal:
Well, of course, certain sacrifices had to be made as a result of having children. But heavens, no.

Royal:
I thought I'd start by taking you out to visit your grandmother.

Richie:
God, I haven't been out there in years.

Margot:
I've never been at all. I was never invited.

Royal:
Well she wasn't your real grandmother, and I didn't know how much interest you had. But you're invited now!

Raleigh:
You don't love me anymore!

Margot:
I do kind of.

Raleigh:
Are you ever coming home?

Margot:
Maybe not.

Raleigh:
Well then I just want to die.

Royal:
I've always been considered an a**hole for about as long as I can remember. That's just my style. But I'd really feel blue if I didn't think you were going to forgive me.

Henry Sherman:
I don't think you're an a**hole, Royal. I just think you're kind of a son of a b*tch.

Royal:
Well, I really appreciate that.

Etheline Tenenbaum:
Chas? What's going on?

Chas:
We got locked out of our apartment.

Etheline Tenenbaum:
Well, did you call a locksmith?

Chas:
Uh huh.

Etheline Tenenbaum:
Well, I don't understand. Did you pack your bags BEFORE you got locked out?

Royal:
Ah, sh*t man.

Pagoda:
Oh sh*t man.

Ari:
Did you try to sew it back on?

Margot:
Wasn't worth it.

Richie:
You dropped some cigarettes.

Margot:
Those aren't mine.

Richie:
They just fell out of your pocket.

Eli:
I did find it odd when you said you were in love with her. She's married you know.

Richie:
Yeah.

Eli:
And she's your sister.

Richie:
Adopted.

Royal:
Are you trying to steal my woman?

Henry Sherman:
I beg your pardon.

Royal:
You heard me, Coltrane.

Henry Sherman:
"Coltrane"?

Royal:
What?

Henry Sherman:
Did you just call me Coltrane?

Royal:
No.

Henry Sherman:
You didn't?

Royal:
No.

Henry Sherman:
Okay...

Royal:
Richie, this illness, this closeness to death... it's had a profound affect on me. I feel like a different person, I really do.

Richie:
Dad, you where never dying.

Royal:
...but I'm gonna live.

Eli:
You never even gave me the time of day till I started getting good reviews.

Margot:
Your reviews weren't that good.

Eli:
But the sales are.

Royal:
We could shimmy up that gutter, jump over that window ledge, and then pry open that ventilator shaft.

Pagoda:
There he is.

Royal:
Richie! Richie! Where's he going? Richie!

Eli:
Did I hit the dog?

Chas:
Yeah.

Eli:
Is he dead?

Chas:
Yeah.

Eli:
You're in love with Richie. Which is sick. And gross.

Richie:
I'm going to kill myself tomorrow.

Henry Sherman:
How much is he paying you?

Pagoda:
I don't know what you're talking about.

Royal:
You wanna talk some jive? I'll talk some jive. I'll talk some jive like you've never heard!

Margot:
You probably don't even known my middle name.

Royal:
That's a trick question. You don't have one.

Margot:
Helen.

Royal:
I didn't think so much of him at first. But now I get it, he's everything that I'm not.

Richie:
I wrote a suicide note.

Chas:
You did?

Richie:
Yeah, right after i regained conciousness.

Royal:
Pagoda, where's my javelina?!

Royal:
Let's yeet this off the roof real quick.

Richie:
Are you sure I don't think this shits gonna go very far.

Chas:
Don't worry it'll go farther then the last one we threw.