Ruby Sparks

Harry:
I love Susie, but she's a weirdo. Sometimes, she's mean as f*** for no reason.

Calvin Weir-Fields:
This is the true and impossible story of my very great love. In the hope that she will not read this and reproach me, I have withheld many telling details: her name, the particulars of her birth and upbringing, and any identifying scars or birth marks. All the same, I cannot help but write this for her, to tell her "I'm sorry for every word I wrote to change you, I'm sorry for so many things. I couldn't see you when you were here and, now that you're gone, I see you everywhere." One may read this and think it's magic, but falling in love is an act of magic, so is writing. It was once said of Catcher In The Rye, "That rare miracle of fiction has again come to pass: a human being has been created out of ink, paper and the imagination." I am no J.D. Salinger, but I have witnessed a rare miracle. Any writer can attest: in the luckiest, happiest state, the words are not coming from you, but through you. She came to me wholly herself, I was just lucky enough to be there to catch her.

Ruby Sparks:
What's your dog's name?

Calvin Weir-Fields:
Uh, Scotty. I named him for F. Scott Fitzgerald.

Ruby Sparks:
Isn't that disrespectful?

Calvin Weir-Fields:
What?

Ruby Sparks:
Naming your dog after him? It's a little disrespectful. Think about it. You're a novelist. You think this guy's the greatest. So you name your dog after him to cut him down to size. This way, you can put him on a leash... and yell "Bad Scotty" and feel all superior because you pee inside. Kill your idols, man. I'm all for it.

Calvin Weir-Fields:
Who leaves someone after their father dies?

Dr. Rosenthal:
Someone who couldn't love you properly.

Calvin Weir-Fields:
Someone who is a heartless slut.

Calvin Weir-Fields:
Ruby Sparks. Twenty-six years old. Raised in Dayton, Ohio.

Dr. Rosenthal:
Why Dayton?

Calvin Weir-Fields:
Sounds romantic. Ruby's first crushes were Humphrey Bogart and John Lennon. She cried the day she found out they were already dead. Ruby got kicked out of high school for sleeping with her art teacher... or maybe her Spanish teacher. I haven't decided yet. Ruby can't drive. She doesn't own a computer. She hates her middle name, which is Tiffany. She always, always roots for the underdog. She's complicated. That's what I like best about her. Ruby's not so good at life sometimes. She forgets to open bills or cash checks and... Her last boyfriend was 49. The one before that was an alcoholic. She can feel a change coming. She's looking for it.

Dr. Rosenthal:
Looking for what?

Calvin Weir-Fields:
Something new.

Harry:
Quirky, messy women whose problems only make them endearing are not real.

Calvin Weir-Fields:
She's a person.

Harry:
You haven't written a person, okay? You've written a girl.

Ruby Sparks:
Were you disappointed when you got to know me?

Calvin Weir-Fields:
How can you ask that?

Ruby Sparks:
I'm such a mess.

Calvin Weir-Fields:
I love your mess.

Calvin Weir-Fields:
She wasn't happy. So I made her happy... and now she's like this all the time.

Ruby Sparks:
You don't get to decide what I do.

Calvin Weir-Fields:
Wanna bet?

Calvin Weir-Fields:
I'm not writing about you. I wrote you.

Ruby Sparks:
[controlled by Calvin] You're a genius. You're a genius. You're a genius

Ruby Sparks:
[controlled by Calvin] I love you. I'll never leave you.

Calvin Weir-Fields:
It was once said of Catcher in the Rye: That rare miracle of fiction has again come to pass.A human being has been created out of ink, paper and the imagination.

Calvin Weir-Fields:
Do you remember what you told me when you met Susie?

Harry:
I certainly didn't pretend I invented her, Calvin.

Calvin Weir-Fields:
I have you. I don't need anyone else.

Ruby Sparks:
That's a lot of pressure.

Calvin Weir-Fields:
The only reason girls ever want to sleep with me is that they read my book in high school.

Harry:
So?

Calvin Weir-Fields:
So they're not interested in me, they're interested in... some idea of me.

Harry:
That's why you have to work out. So they'll want you for your body.

Calvin Weir-Fields:
I had a weird dream last night. There was this girl...

Harry:
What'd she look like?

Calvin Weir-Fields:
...Like a normal girl, someone I made up.

Harry:
Did you have sex?

Calvin Weir-Fields:
No, she just talked to me.

Harry:
That's f***ing depressing.

Calvin Weir-Fields:
It was actually really nice.

Harry:
Seriously? You don't even get laid in your dreams? That's just sad.