Rules of Attraction

Mrs. Mimi Jared:
And what classes are you taking... Dick?

Dick:
Ummm, Gangbang 101, Freebase Tutorial, and Oral Sex Workshop.

Rupert:
I think you're a rich f***ing motherf***er who owes me a f***ing shitload of f***in' cash, that's what I f***in' think, you rich motherf***in' motherf***er. You want some f***in' blow you bring me some f***in' cash, motherf***er. F*** you.

Sean Bateman:
I only slept with her cause I'm in love with you.

Mrs. Mimi Jared:
I leave you alone for five minutes, and you're drinking.

Dick:
Drunk. I'm drunk.

Sean Bateman:
I really did try to kill myself... right before I faked it.

Sean Bateman:
Lauren wait, Lauren... Hey, hey Lauren

Lauren:
Oh My God!

Sean Bateman:
Can we talk?

Lauren:
NO!

Sean Bateman:
Lauren don't walk away. HEY! I really did try to kill myself... just before I faked it.

Lauren:
Wow Sean, it's over.

Sean Bateman:
No it's not!

Lauren:
Ya it is, I'm in love with somebody else.

Sean Bateman:
Who?

Lauren:
My old boyfriend Victor. Plus its none of your f***ing business.

Sean Bateman:
Victor?

Lauren:
Ya.

Sean Bateman:
What, then why the f*** did you write me those letters?

Lauren:
Wow. Deal with it Sean it's over, Rock and Roll.

Sean Bateman:
Lauren I want to know you

Lauren:
What does that mean know me, know me, nobody ever knows anybody else, ever! You will never know me.

Dick:
F*** you very much.

Paul Denton:
I like Sean because he looked, well, slutty. A boy who'd been around. A boy who couldn't remember if he was Catholic or not.

Rupert:
Get it straight, f***head: I need you like I need an a**hole on my elbow.

Rupert:
Right here. On my elbow. An a**hole. That's how much I need you.

Mitchell:
Hehe yeah. Old enough to pee, old enough for me.

Paul Denton:
I feel like my life lacks forward momentum, ya know.

Rupert:
Want some cocaine?

Sean Bateman:
Uh, sure.

Rupert:
Then get some with your own damn money College Boy.

Sean Bateman:
Since when does f***ing somebody else mean that I'm not faithful to you?

Kelly:
You look familiar. Have we met?

Sean Bateman:
(voice-over) I think I f***ed her somewhere toward the beginning of term. The "Wet Wednesday" party.

Sean Bateman:
No.

Paul Denton:
Do you have any E?

Harry:
That sh*t makes your spinal fluid run backwards.

Sean Bateman:
Rock & roll.

Paul Denton:
Oh, Jesus, Richard is that you?

Dick:
It's Dick. And yes.

Lauren:
I always knew it would be like this.

Mrs. Eve Denton:
What are they?

Mrs. Mimi Jared:
Does it matter?

Mrs. Eve Denton:
No!

Sean Bateman:
A great numb feeling washes over me as I let go of the past and look forward to the future. Pretend to be a vampire. I don't really need to pretend, because it's who I am, an emotional vampire. I've just come to expect it. Vampires are real. That I was born this way. That I feed off of other people's real emotions. Search for this night's prey. Who will it be?

Donald:
Need I remind you we have somebody OD-ing back here?

Paul Denton:
He's not OD-ing. He's a freshman. Freshmen don't OD.

Paul Denton:
What the hell are you doing?

Dick:
Getting f***ed up. Maybe getting f***ed?

Victor:
I no longer know who I am and I feel like the ghost of a total stranger.

Sean Bateman:
No one ever ever knows anyone. You're not ever gonna know me.

Paul:
What the hell does that mean?

Sean Bateman:
It means, Paul, you're not ever gonna know me. Deal with it. Figure it out.

Paul:
F*** you, Bateman! F*** you Bateman!

Lauren:
Abstinence is 100% safe, which is less of a percentage than...

Lara:
Whatever, I don't care, I don't major in math.

Paul Denton:
Sometimes I'm amazed at the sh*t the spills out of my mouth.

Victor:
I meet two underage Italian girls who I try to talk into f***ing each other while I jack off onto them. I end up buying them some ice cream instead.

Lara:
You really think I'm skinny? Wait - anorexic skinny or bulimic skinny?

Lara:
It's amazing how much weight you lose when you go off The Pill.

Lauren:
Which is nothing compared to the fifty pounds you gain when you get knocked up.

Mitchell:
Are you crazy?

Sean Bateman:
Define crazy.

Victor:
Irish women are as small as leprechauns.

Marc:
Don't f*** up my karma, man. Don't f*** it up.

Mr. Lance Lawson:
Can I interest you in a turn-on?

Lauren:
Um... no thanks.

Mr. Lance Lawson:
Well... don't mind if I do.

Lauren:
Are-are we gonna do it on the couch or...

Mr. Lance Lawson:
Do what?

Lauren:
You know, "it"...

Mr. Lance Lawson:
What? F***...? Oh, are you mad? I'm a married man. And I would lose my tenure...

Lauren:
But... aren't you coming onto me?

Mr. Lance Lawson:
Well... for a hummer, sure... I'm quite aware of your abilities, Ms. Hyde. And it certainly couldn't hurt your GPA. So... Shall we?

Mr. Lance Lawson:
Ms. Lauren Hyde... why weren't you at my tutorial last saturday?

Kelly:
What's your name?

Sean Bateman:
Peter.

Kelly:
Aren't you a senior?

Sean Bateman:
No, I'm a freshman.

Kelly:
Really? I thought you were older.

Sean Bateman:
No, a freshman. Peter. Peter the Freshman.

Dr. Phibes, Waiting Room Doctor:
Harry's gone bye-bye, he's gone to the big bye-bye. He's got his name in the papers on the back side. It's "Toe Tag Time in Teenville Tonight". Again. Should've just said no, Harry.

Harry:
I'm not dead am I?

Dr. Phibes, Waiting Room Doctor:
Actually, you don't have a pulse. I think you're dead.

Rupert:
Ya want some coke?

Sean Bateman:
Um. Sure.

Rupert:
Then get some of your own, b*tch.

Sean Bateman:
I just want to know you.

Lauren:
Nobody knows anyone. You will never ever know me.

Rupert:
Unless he's got a crack pipe stuck to his lips, I gotta assume he's 21 jump street.

Paul Denton:
What'd he do, try to OD on Sudafed and wine coolers?

Sean Bateman:
(reading a love letter, voice-over): Got you. You're mine now. For the rest fo the day, week, month, year, life. Have you guessed who I am? Sometimes I think you have. Sometimes when you're standing in a crowd I feel those sultry, dark eyes of yours stop on me. Are you too afraid to come up to me and let me know how you feel? I want to moan and writhe with you and I want to go up to you and kiss your mouth and pull you to me and say "I love you I love you I love you" while stripping. I want you so bad it stings. I want to kill the ugly girls that you're always with. Do you really like those boring, naive, coy, calculating girls or is it just for sex? The seeds of love have taken hold, and if we won't burn together, I'll burn alone.

Lara:
How do I look?

Lauren:
You look kind of skinny, actually.

Lara:
Skinny, really? Bulimic skinny or anorexic skinny?

Lauren:
What's the difference?

Lara:
Bulimic skinny passes for healthy, except your teeth rot. But my teeth aren't rotting, so...

Lauren:
So you look bulimic skinny.

Mrs. Mimi Jared:
Well..."Dick"... how is school?

Richard "Dick" Jared:
Sucks cock-k-k...

Sean Bateman:
I need to get some more pot. I'm running out. Then I need to get laid. Where the f*** was Lauren tonight? That Lara girl was kind of hot. I could bang her and feel good about it. But I'd rather have Lauren. I wonder why? It would just ruin my illusion of her purity. Whoa, is that really what I want?

Sean Bateman:
I need to get laid.

Sean Bateman:
Then I need to get more pot.

Lauren Hynde:
Victor was a Junior, a Drama major, just back from Europe, with a great body, these amazing gray eyes and only a little gay...

Sean Bateman:
Are you here for that class?

Lauren Hynde:
The tutorial on the post modern condition? It's been cancelled.

Sean Bateman:
Typical.

Lauren Hynde:
I haven't seen you in it before.

Sean Bateman:
That's what's so typical. This was the first time I bothered to show up.

Lauren Hynde:
You've got bad timing.

Sean Bateman:
Saturdays suck. I don't have to put up with this bullshit. I'm dropping this class.

Lauren Hynde:
Me too.

Sean Bateman:
Really?

Lauren Hynde:
Yeah. I think I'm gonna change my major.

Sean Bateman:
To what?

Lauren Hynde:
I don't know yet. What's yours?

Sean Bateman:
I don't even know.

Paul:
Three months later, the handsome dunce was having an affair with a friend of mine. Within a year he was a full-blown queen and telling people I couldn't get it up. Luck has nothing to do with anything.

Sean Bateman:
I didn't know where I was going, some place unoccupied I hoped, at first I thought there were things about her I would never forget, But in the end all I could think about was-...

Victor:
Um... Yeah. You smell really good, but, uh... I don't know who you are.

Lara:
I was born in a Holiday Inn.

Richard "Dick" Jared:
F*** you! / F*** you! / And f*** you, pretty boy!

Sean Bateman:
I wonder if Lasuren goes wild during sex. I wonder if she comes easily. Or at all. I won't go to a bed with a girl who doesn't. If I can't make a girl come, then why bother? It's like asking questions in a letter. Hm, I'm hungry.