Rush Hour 2

Lee:
You are a civilian. In Hong Kong, *I* am Michael Jackson and *you* are Toto.

James Carter:
You mean Tito! Toto is what we ate for dinner last night!

James Carter:
Who died, Lee?

Lee:
You!

James Carter:
Detective Yu?

Lee:
Not Yu, you!

James Carter:
Who?

Lee:
You!

James Carter:
Who?

Lee:
Do you understand the words that are a-coming out of my mouth?

James Carter:
Don't nobody understand the words that are comin' out of your mouth.

James Carter:
Lee, let me introduce you to Carter's new theory of criminal investigation: follow the rich white man.

James Carter:
Couldn't help noticin' how she was staring at a brother.

Lee:
She never even looked at you.

James Carter:
You just jealous, Lee, 'cause women like me. I'm tall, dark and hansome and you third world ugly.

Lee:
I am not third world ugly, women think I'm cute. Like Snoopy.

James Carter:
Man, Snoopy is 6 inches taller than you.

Lee:
That's my CD! Don't you ever touch a Chinese man's CD!

James Carter:
You know, we could have been a good couple. We could have had something special. But you one crazy-ass b*tch!

James Carter:
I can't believe I flew 10,000 miles for this sh*t!

Lee:
I will b*tch-slap you back to Africa.

James Carter:
I saw that. You played it smooth too, walkin' away like that.

Lee:
Yeah, I'm a player.

James Carter:
All I did was invite them to have a drink.

Lee:
You invited them to get naked and sacrifice a small goat.

James Carter:
Which word was 'goat'?

Ricky Tan:
I hate that fortune cookie sh*t.

James Carter:
All right, listen up! All the Triads and the ugly women on this side, and all the fine women on this side, right now!

James Carter:
Secret Service Agent James Carter, I like the sound of it. Won't be long before I'm in Washington D.C. protectin' the President.

Lee:
We both know you wouldn't take a bullet for someone else.

James Carter:
Yeah but they don't know that.

James Carter:
Just tell me how the Triads gonna kill us.

Lee:
They will torture us for three days.

James Carter:
Okay, I can handle that.

Lee:
Then they will cut off our eggrolls.

James Carter:
Cut off our eggrolls? Oh hell no! We gotta get out of here! Don't give up!

James Carter:
Why didn't you tell me you had a bomb in your mouth?

James Carter:
Why didn't you tell me you had a bomb in your mouth?

Lee:
I did.

James Carter:
No you did not!

Lee:
I said "mmm!"

James Carter:
What the hell is "mmm!"

Lee:
mmmboom!

Lee:
All he wanted was some Mushu.

Lee:
Just try to blend in.

James Carter:
What do you mean, "blend in"? I'm two feet taller than everybody in here!

James Carter:
What did I just say?

Lee:
You told everyone to take out their Samurai swords and shave your butt.

Lee:
That's Ricky Tan.

James Carter:
That's Ricky Tan? Man, that's a midget in a bathrobe!

Lee:
Just follow my lead. Act like a tourist.

James Carter:
I am a tourist, fool!

Lee:
Stop, I'm sick of your bullshit.

James Carter:
I'm sick of you! I'm not the one running up in Karaoke bars full of gangsters. And I'm not the one running up in massage parlors looking for crime lords.

James Carter:
I have a dream - that white people and black people... And Chinese people can gamble together with the same amount of chips.

Lee:
I'm sorry.

James Carter:
You sorry? I've got some old man's chopsticks stuck up my ass and all you can say is sorry?

James Carter:
I fell off a building, I got beat on, and ran through Hong Kong butt naked. I'm outta here!

Lee:
Carter, you don't understand.

James Carter:
Oh I understand, man. I got knocked off a building, I got beat on, I got stripped butt-naked and you held out on me. I'm outta here.

James Carter:
I'm gonna pretend you a man. A very beautiful man with a great body that I'd like to take to the movies.

Lee:
These men are Triads. The most deadly gang in China.

James Carter:
You think they scare me? I'm from Los Angeles, man. We invented gangs!

James Carter:
I'm tall, dark and handsome, and you're third world ugly.

James Carter:
I don't like my chickens alive, I like 'em dead and deep fried. You ever heard of Popeye's?

James Carter:
When the shootin’ started, he was way too cool. And normally when there's shootin’ white people aren't that cool, man. They either run around in circles, or screaming out 'Aaaaagh!'

James Carter:
No, I'm Lee's new muscle. And don't let this robe fool you, this is the only color they had left.

James Carter:
If you ain't gonna shoot him Kung-Fu his ass or somethin'.

Massage Parlor Hostess:
You ever have massage by Chinese girl before?

James Carter:
No, but I heard it was the bomb.

James Carter:
Now why did you say it was a bomb.

Lee:
You said it was a bomb!

James Carter:
I did not.

Lee:
In the hotel, you said it was a bomb.

James Carter:
I said 'she was the bomb'.

Lee:
She was the bomb?

Lee:
Where did you learn that?

Kenny:
Master Ching.

Lee:
Master Ching of Hong Kong?

Kenny:
No, Freddy Ching on Crenshaw.

Lee:
They're brothers.

Kenny:
What do you mean comin' up in my place and embarrassin' me in front of my wife, my child and my friends.

James Carter:
You embarassin' yourself, man, you're a black man with a Chinese restaurant on Crenshaw.

Lee:
I always dreamed of going to Madison Square Gardens, see the Knicks play.

James Carter:
New York City?

Lee:
First class.

James Carter:
The Plaza hotel.

Lee:
Maybe some mu shu.

James Carter:
I could use another vacation.

Lee:
If you reach for that gun, I'll kill you.

Ricky Tan:
Aren't you forgetting? I'm already dead.

Isabella:
I need your help.

Lee:
Last time you needed my help, I woke up in a truck.

Ricky Tan:
You Americans are so funny.

James Carter:
And you Asians don't hear too well.

James Carter:
Who put their hand on my butt? Do it again.

James Carter:
How come you ain't got no black people performing in this casino? We ain't good enough for you?

Pit Boss:
We got Lionel Ritchie!

James Carter:
Lionel Ritchie ain't been black since the commodores!

Lee:
You still have it?

Kenny:
'Still got my lunch money from the third grade.

James Carter:
I'm gonna give you an L.A.P.D ass-whuppin'!

Lee:
Let me tell you something about Asians, we never panic.

James Carter:
Oh yeah, when Godzilla be coming, y'all be trippin': "Giaca! Giaca!"

Massage Parlor Hostess:
Follow her to the Quiet Room.

James Carter:
Ain't gonna be no quiet room no more.

James Carter:
Good kick, Lee!

Lee:
It was an accident.

James Carter:
That's okay. We'll just say he tried to catch a cab.

James Carter:
Did you see that?

Lee:
He likes you.

James Carter:
I ain't shopping with you no more.

Lee:
You owe me a copy of the Beach Boy's greatest hits.

James Carter:
Don't you go having gettin' an attitude with me Lee. I been here three days and ain't done nothin' but work your cases. The only reason why I'm here in Hong Kong is 'cause you said you was gonna show me a good time. I'm on vacation, man! and I want some mu shu.

Lee:
Mushu, you hungry?

James Carter:
No, not mushu? MU shu. I want to see some women man. Stop playing dumb and take me to the SHU.

James Carter:
Aw hell no!

Hu Li:
I think someone better call the police.

James Carter:
Whoa, man. I ain't going in there!

Lee:
Come on!

James Carter:
There's rats in there!

Lee:
There's no rats!

James Carter:
Look at that rat!

James Carter:
Whoa! Slow down Chin!

James Carter:
What was that? Did you just pick up another case? Did we just take another damn case on my vacation?

James Carter:
Don't be messing with me, Lee. I will kick your ass. I'll hit you so hard you'll end up in the Ming Dynasty. I mean it, I'll b*tch slap you back to Bangkok!

James Carter:
There's two million people here in China, let one of them be your partner!

James Carter:
Lee, what happened?

Lee:
You left me!

James Carter:
No, I didn't! I was waitin' up there for you!

Versace Salesman:
Mmmmm, butter cream, butter cream, croc skin, butter cream...

James Carter:
I heard that. I heard that. Don't be talkin' 'bout me, man!

James Carter:
Use them tiger teeth!

James Carter:
Oh I know I don't think I see what I see what I'm thinkin!

James Carter:
What in the hell is going on up in here? Am I the only one listening to this? The man destroyin' a classic! BOO!

James Carter:
Out of the way! LAPD!

James Carter:
Hey Lee! What are you doing?

Lee:
...Dancing

James Carter:
Dancing! Man, im up here working, putting my life on the line, and you up here messing around, dancing with some Bimbo... Does she have a friend?

James Carter:
Drop the blade and let the bird go.

James Carter:
Damn! He ain't gonna be in Rush Hour 3!

[Carter and Lee are forced to fight Ricky Tan's Triad goons but Carter accidentally hits Lee]

Carter:
Sorry, man!

Lee:
[Holds nose painfully] Carter!

Carter:
All y'all look alike!

Carter:
Hey, baby. Carter. James Carter. Baldwin Hills.

Isabella Molina:
Isabella Molina, San Juan.

Carter:
San Juan! I've been there many times on my private plane. You must know my good friend Pedro Morales Magonzales Morotto Malosso Megusto.

Isabella:
No, I'm afraid not.

Carter:
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you rode in the best of circles. If you need anything, champagne, caviar, my yacht is your yacht.

Isabella:
This is your yacht?

Carter:
I'm the captain. El capitan.

Isabella:
El capitan....

Carter:
Look, I'm not gonna play games with you. I want you. I can imagine me and you in one of those bathrooms in about five minutes.

Isabella:
Oh, it's such a beautiful yacht. What's it called?

Carter:
What's it called? [Isabella nods] The S.S. Minnow Johnson.

Isabella:
The S.S. Minnow Johnson? Funny. The name on the back was the Red Dragon.

Carter:
The Red Dragon?

Isabella:
Yes. Because this is my friend's yacht. And this is his party.

Carter:
Your's friend yacht? Man, no wonder my key didn't work. All these yachts look all the same these days.

Steven Reign:
Who's your friend?

Isabella:
Someone who got on the wrong yacht.

Carter:
Hey I know you, you're Steven Reign, the hotel billionaire. You must have a private plane as well. It's fun, isn't it? What are you doing out here in Hong Kong?

Reign:
I'm here for the weekend, taking in the sights. [looks at Isabella] Shall we?

Isabella:
[gets up to slow-dance with Reign] Enjoy the party, Mr. Carter.

Carter:
I will, Miss Isabella.

Carter:
Lee, let me introduce you to Carter's Theory of Criminal Investigation: follow the rich white man!

Lee:
Follow the rich white man?

Carter:
Exactly, now you're learning. Every big crime has a rich white man behind it waiting for his cut. Now, in our case we know who the rich white man is. Steven Reign!

Lee:
Who?

Carter:
Steven Reign, the hotel billionaire, I saw him on Ricky Tan's boat. When the shooting started he was way too cool. Now lemme tell you something: when people start shooting, white people ain't that cool. They either running around hiding behind tables or screaming like, "AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"

Lee:
You sound like that all the time!

Carter:
Let me tell you something about black people: When stuff goes down, we keep our cool.

Lee:
Maybe, but not like Asians. We never panic.

Carter:
Yeah, right. When Godzilla's coming y'all be tripping. I've seen the movie, everyone goin' "gaicka, gaicka"!

[Lee and Carter stake out Steven Reign's woman, Isabella Molina, who seems to be retiring for the night]

Carter:
What's going on?

Lee:
[watches as disrobes] She.... uh.... is just standing around, not doing much.

Carter:
Well stay awake, something bound to happen.

Lee:
I try to stay awake...this is so boring. [While watching Isabella undress, whispers] Slow down baby....

Carter:
What did you say?

Lee:
Huh? Uh.... I said nothing!

Carter:
I heard you say something!

Lee:
No, no, nothing.

Carter:
[notices Lee's shifting, gets up from bed] What is going on Lee?

Lee:
She's.... getting undressed!

Carter:
What?

Lee:
She's getting undressed! [Carter forces Lee out of the telescope] Hey! It's not right.

Carter:
LORD, HAVE MERCY! She's taking off her skirt!

Lee:
I cannot hear this! [walks away]

Carter:
Black bra, black panties... Victoria's Secret spring catalogue, page 27. Girl's got class. [zooms in] She got a tattoo, that's cute. It looks like.... Snoopy.

Lee:
Snoopy! I love Snoopy! [Tries to grab periscope]

Carter:
Hold up, I love Snoopy too. [Isabella opens the door for a delivery woman] Wait, it looks like somebody dropping off a package. Hey, that's the same person that dropped off the package at your office.

Lee and Carter:
It's a bomb! [scrambles to the suite]

[Carter and Lee hit the Vegas branch of Versace where a salesman greets them]

Salesman:
Hi, nice to see you. Can I help you gentlemen?

Carter:
Yeah. I'm gonna need black, 42-long, and nothing touches this body but pure silk. And get my partner something from the kid's department.

Salesman:
OK, would your partner like to be wrapped in silk too? Some people think it's tacky, but I really enjoy it when couples dress alike.

Carter:
No - wait a minute - no! This ain't no couples thing, man. We're police officers; we're working a very dangerous case and we need some clothes.

Lee:
Yes, there are alot of men chasing us.

Salesman:
As well they should be. Listen, you have nothing to worry about, OK? Because I'm going to turn you two into the belle of the ball.

Lee:
Thank you.

Salesman:
Absolutely. [to Carter] Let's start with you, shall we? You've got the mochaccino face, beautiful skin, and the big broad shoulders, OK? Let's put a dead animal on you! Croc-skin... buttercream... buttercream... croc-skin... buttercream...What size is the waist? Let's go in! [approaches Carter with open arms]

Carter:
Hey! Watch it, sweetness!

Salesman:
He's got some fire to him!

Carter:
Honeycups!

Salesman:
I like that!

Carter:
Go get the clothes! Hurry up!

Salesman:
I'll go pull some items. Oh, Jesus! Lil' Kim! I'll be back.

Carter:
[Looks to Lee] You saw that?

Lee:
He likes you.

Carter:
[Looks at him like he's lost his mind] I'm not shoppin' with you no more.

[at the Red Dragon craps table, Carter has had enough of the harassment]

Carter:
How come you ain't got no black people performing in this casino? We ain't good enough for you?

Pit Boss:
We got Lionel Richie performing here tonight!

Carter:
Lionel Richie ain't been black since the Commodores! How about Peaches and Herb? Gladys Knight and the Pips? Ike and Tina? They can get back together, this is crazy-

Pit Boss:
Sir, please calm down.

Carter:
[with hands wailing manically in the air] I ain't calming down no more! I'm sick, you people tryin' to calm me down.

[In the penthouse, Lee has a gun pointed at Ricky's Head]

Carter:
[just walked into the room] Hey, Ricky. How you doin'? Lee, I see you got everything under control, man. I'mma go back downstairs and.... DAMN! [notices Reign's body] What happened to Reign?

Ricky:
Would you like me to tell you how your father died? [Lee c*cks the gun]

Carter:
Hey. Wait one second, Lee. It ain't worth it man. He tryin' to trick you. Don't go too far, man.

Ricky:
He never begged for his life or tried to make a deal.

Carter:
Put the gun down.

Ricky:
All he asked me, just seconds before I pulled the trigger, was that I promise not to kill you. Oh, it was so pathetic.

Carter Aw, hell no. He done went too far now, Lee. You better shoot his ass right now, Lee. Shoot his ASS!

Ricky:
What are you gonna do, Lee? [Lee's face is showing hesitation]

Carter:
All you gotta do is pull that trigger back and BAM!

Ricky:
Are you gonna spend the rest of your life hiding like your father?

Carter:
Man, don't let him talk about your daddy like that! Shoot him, Lee!

Ricky:
You can't do it, can you?

Carter:
Yes, hell you can, Lee. Ain't nobody up here but us, man.

Ricky:
Just as I thought.

Carter:
Go off on him, man! He tryin' to punk you! Shoot him!

Ricky:
Go on!

Carter:
If you ain't gonna shoot him, kung-fu his ass or somethin'!

Lee:
CARTER!

[Ricky pushes Lee's hand out of the way, causing him to pull the trigger, barely missing Carter]