Sanford and Son

[clutching his chest dramatically]

Fred Sanford:
Oh, this is the biggest one I ever had. You hear that Elizabeth? I'm coming to join you honey.

Fred Sanford:
I ain't afraid to give you one across the lips.

Lamont Sanford:
That's the way it used to be, Pop, now adays they give you one of them needles and you don't even know what hit you.

Fred Sanford:
Oh, now I know I ain't going.

Lamont Sanford:
Why not?

Fred Sanford:
Are you kidding? A needle. I don't wanna get hooked on that stuff. It'd change me from Friendly Fred to Junkie Joe.

Fred Sanford:
You just dumb, son. You just dumb.

Bubba:
The characters on that show are a lot like you. There's the grouchy father, the dumb son, the ugly sister in-law and the stupid, bungling friend

[looks at Grady]

Grady:
[sarcastically] Your too hard on yourself Bubba.

Lamont Sanford:
You're a dirty old man ya know that?

Fred Sanford:
And I'm gonna be one 'till I'm a dead old man.

Fred Sanford:
I still want to sow some wild oats.

Lamont Sanford:
At your age, you don't have no wild oats, you got shredded wheat.

Fred Sanford:
[Coughs violently] Smokin' less but enjoying it more. [Lamont enters room] Hey Lamont you bring me cigarettes?

Lamont Sanford:
What?

Fred Sanford:
Cigarettes. Smokes. Did you get them?

Lamont Sanford:
Did you hear yourself just now?

Fred Sanford:
Yeah I asked if you brung me cigarettes.

Lamont Sanford:
No I mean did you hear yourself coughing? I heard you a block away, it sounded like they was tearing up the streets.

Fred Sanford:
We could have a little pork and beans now and a little zucchini later. Or a little zucchini now and a little pork and beans later. Or if you like the pork and beans, you can have them and I'll take the zucchini or I can take the pork and beans and you the zucchini so what will it be? Zucchini or pork and beans?

Lamont Sanford:
The oven don't work.

Fred Sanford:
Oh, in that case, we'll have some cold pork and beans now or...

Lamont Sanford:
Would you stop that?

Lamont Sanford:
Pop, since you was 10, you smoked a cigarette 41 miles long.

Fred Sanford:
That's real super king sized ain't it?

Lamont Sanford:
41 miles. That's like you smoked a cigarette from here to Disneyland.

Fred Sanford:
My name's Fred Sanford. That's S-A-N-F-O-R-D period.

Fred Sanford:
Now she's got TB.

Lamont Sanford:
What?

Fred Sanford:
Terrific Body.

Melvin:
Did you listen to your father?

Fred Sanford:
Every time he raised that strap, he had my complete attention.

Fred Sanford:
Tell him in Puerto Rican - "Goat-o, get out of el house-o."

Lamont Sanford:
When a person has three heart attacks, he's dead. You had fifteen.

Aunt Esther:
Who you calling ugly, sucker?

Fred Sanford:
I'm calling you ugly, I could push your face in some dough and make gorilla cookies.

Fred Sanford:
On behalf of Elizabeth, would you care for something to eat?

Aunt Esther:
Oh I wouldn't mind a little snack.

Fred Sanford:
Son, go in the kitchen and fix your Aunt Esther a fish-head sandwich!

Fred Sanford:
Listen, Esther. In the first place, you can't enter that contest because your not eligible. See one of the things you have to be is a part of a certain race.

Woody Anderson:
What race?

Fred Sanford:
Human!

Fred Sanford:
Goodbye, dear

Aunt Esther:
Oh, you called me dear.

Fred Sanford:
Why shouldn't I call you DEER? You look like Bambi's father!

Fred Sanford:
All you got to do is enlist Esther in the Navy. And that way, you can have her face buried at sea!

Fred Sanford:
For $500 dollars, I can turn Yewell Gibbons into a meatloaf freak!

Lamont Sanford:
She's gonna be competing with her own peers.

Fred Sanford:
Her Peers?

Lamont Sanford:
Yes.

Fred Sanford:
You mean Godzilla is in the contest?

Aunt Esther:
What's wrong with my posture?

Fred Sanford:
It's full of prune pits!

Fred Sanford:
Polly-Esther - that's you. Half woman, half parrot!

Fred Sanford:
Who is it?

Aunt Esther:
It's Esther!

Fred Sanford:
Esther who?

Aunt Esther:
You know Esther who! Open this door fool!

Fred Sanford:
I can't open the door!

Aunt Esther:
Why not?

Fred Sanford:
You too ugly!

Fred Sanford:
[Officer Hopkins helps Grady inside] What's the matter, Grady?

Officer 'Hoppy' Hopkins:
It's really nothing much to be concerned about, Mr. Sanford. He's merely experiencing a mild gastrointestinal imbalance precipitated by acute anti-gravitational pull in the lower abdominal cavity.

Grady Wilson:
I gotta throw up!

Lamont Sanford:
These two Russian seismologists said they've discovered a new fault.

Fred Sanford:
Well what was wrong with the old one?

Lamont Sanford:
They're predicting a massive earthquake on November 6.

Fred Sanford:
November 6? That's only five days away!

Lamont Sanford:
Don't worry about a thing, Pop, it's not possible.

Grady Wilson:
Oh I beg to differ with you, Lamont. Today is November 1, and it's extremely possible that November 6 is only five days away.

Fred Sanford:
Looky here. This is the bedroom. [Slams door] Second bedroom. [Slams door] Sun room. [Slams door] Bathroom.

Lamont Sanford:
HEY!

Fred Sanford:
Excuse me. [Slams door]

Aunt Esther:
I cant believe it, you with a mop in your hand? Its about time you faced up to this mess.

Fred Sanford:
Speaking of facing up to this mess, who messed up this face.

Aunt Esther:
Fred Sanford, the wrath of God will strike you down.

Fred Sanford:
And this Louisville slugger will knock you out.

Aunt Esther:
Woodrow and I are going to have a baby.

Fred Sanford:
Well somebody better call the zoo.

Fred Sanford:
Ain't you got some work to do, Oleo?

Julio:
The name is Julio, Mr. Stanford.

Fred Sanford:
It's "Sanford", Julio.

Julio:
Okay, then.

Fred Sanford:
Why don't you clean your yard up? Go take a bath. Go milk your goat.

Julio:
I did all that this morning, man.

Fred Sanford:
Well, why don't you go back to Puerto Rico?

Julio:
Mr. Sanford, I told you. I come from New York City. And I can live in any 50 states that I want.

Fred Sanford:
Well, how about Alaska? That's a state.

Lamont Sanford:
You know what they say, the truth will set you free.

Fred Sanford:
Your uncle Edgar told the truth, and the judge gave him six months.

Fred Sanford:
For a dummy, you make a lot of sense.

Grady Wilson:
She can't stay here, because there isn't any room.

Aunt Esther:
That's what they told the baby Jesus but they found him a place.

Grady Wilson:
Okay, I'll build you a little manger out in the back yard and get you some sheep to sleep with.

Grady Wilson:
Don't you go in my room by mistake, cause if I pull back them covers and see you I might have a stroke and die.

Grady Wilson:
Fred told me to keep you out of this garden.

Aunt Esther:
Oh he did huh?

Grady Wilson:
Yea, Fred said just because he planted a garden of Eden, there was no reason to let the serpent in.

Aunt Esther:
The next time you see that creep Woodrow, you tell him his behind is grass... and I am the lawnmower.

Aunt Esther:
Fred Sanford why is it every time I come over to your house you call me ugly?

Fred Sanford:
Because I'm not the type to lie.

[Referring to Donna and Esther, respectively]

Fred Sanford:
Here are my two most favorite characters from a fairy tale: Beauty and the Beast.

[Fred comes home drunk]

Aunt Esther:
Fred Sanford, you just a messy fool.

Fred Sanford:
And you just a sessy pool.

Aunt Esther:
Fred Sanford, you have been sinning and transgressing all your life. If the Lord wanted to strike you down, he'll find ya. Even if you were going to Las Vegas.

Aunt Esther:
Today is my lucky day.

Fred Sanford:
Why? Did you look at yourself in the mirror and it didn't break?

Julio:
Buenos Dias, Mr. Sanford.

Fred Sanford:
And beans and disease to you, too.

Desk Lady:
Oh, you two live together?

Fred Sanford, Lamont Sanford:
If you want to call it that.

[repeated line]

Fred Sanford:
How would you like one across yo lip?

Desk Lady:
Address?

Fred Sanford:
9114 South Central.

Desk Lady:
Oh, that's in Watts?

Fred Sanford:
It sure ain't Beverly Hills.

[repeated line]

Fred Sanford:
You big dummy.

Lamont Sanford:
[Lamont complains that Fred isn't a good businessman] A six-year-old does better business than you!

Fred Sanford:
Well, pretty soon you won't have to deal with me any more, I'll be joinin' your mother, and you can get a six-year-old to replace me, and it won't be Sanford and Son anymore, it'll be Big Dummy and Little Dummy Inc!

Fred Sanford:
[to Aunt Esther] I warn you, woman, vengeance is among me! And ugly is among you.

Fred Sanford:
I think this guy was a Nazi, he started saying [speaks fake German] And Nazi's got those salutes, "Hi, Hitler!" [pokes out arm and waves fingers]

Girl #1:
[Fred has put up Lamont's room for rent while he's in Mexico. A pregnant woman knocks on his door to request the room] Hello!

Fred Sanford:
[looks at her stomach] Hello to both of you.

[Lamont bought 2 coffins at an auction and is trying to convince Fred of their worth]

Lamont Sanford:
C'mon pop, we're gonna make a killin' on these.

Fred Sanford:
Well then why don't you make two killin's and get them outta here.

Fred Sanford:
Oooo... Its the Big One... You hear that Elizabeth... I'm comin' to you, I'm comin' home to Georgia

Fred Sanford:
I'm 65. People say I look 55. I feel 45. I'd settle for 35 and you make me feel 25.

Officer Swanhauser:
Was the suspect colored?

Fred Sanford:
Yeah, white.

Lamont Sanford:
Do you read Ebony magazine?

Man:
No.

Lamont Sanford:
Why not? I read Life.

Lamont Sanford:
This house was always damp, even my bed was damp.

Fred Sanford:
Now you can't go blaming that on me.

Officer Hopkins:
I'm sure everything is cold.

Officer Smith:
Cool.

Officer Hopkins:
Cool.

Officer Smith:
Relax, he's cool.

Officer Swanhauser:
The report does not confirm body temperature.

Fred Sanford:
You gotta always wash your hands before you eat, and from the looks of you, you must have the cleanest hands in town.

Fred Sanford:
Some people just shake'n bake, but I buy'n fry.

Officer Hopkins:
Everything is just gravy.

Officer Smith:
Groovy.

Officer Hopkins:
Groovy.

Officer Hopkins:
When we're finished, people will be able to walk down the streets safely in Los Angeles.

Fred Sanford:
Yeah they can walk in Los Angeles, but they'll still be running in Watts.

Lamont Sanford:
[Holding a dented hub cap] Do I put this in H.C.: Hub Cap.

Fred Sanford:
No, you put that in G.C.: Garbage Can.

Fred Sanford:
Don't cut your leg on any rusty metal. Know what happens when you cut your leg on rusty metal?

Jason:
No.

Fred Sanford:
You get lock-jaw, then you can't eat no fat burgers.

Fred Sanford:
Let's do like they did in the Bible: Moses spread his arms out and the Red Sea divided.

Lamont Sanford:
So we're gonna do like Moses?

Fred Sanford:
No, we're gonna do like the Red Sea and split.

Lamont Sanford:
This is a pea coat.

Bubba:
Did you know that when you bought it?

[Fred is showing Lamont a photo album]

Fred Sanford:
Lamont, this is you as a baby... you had to be the ugliest baby alive.

TV Announcer:
Coming up next is a new show about today's teenagers entitled, "All in the Family Way".

Fred Sanford:
What?

Fred Sanford:
If you wanna make a show about my life, why not make it black? With black people, and call it 'Sanford and Son'?

Bernie Taub:
'Sanford and Son'? It would never make it.

Fred Sanford:
This is a real Chinese restaurant, isn't it?

Lamont Sanford:
No, it's a pizza parlor. Of course it's a Chinese restaurant.

Fred Sanford:
I can't eat here. I can't eat that Chink food.

Officer Hopkins:
Looks like you guys have been torn off.

Officer Jones:
Ripped.

Officer Hopkins:
*Ripped* off.

Fred Sanford:
Listen, why don't you ever arrest some white drivers?

Policeman:
I do.

Fred Sanford:
You do? Well, where are they? I don't see any. Look at all these n*ggers in here. Look around here. There's enough n*ggers in here to make a Tarzan movie.

Fred Sanford:
You remember that command they used to give? "Don't fire 'till you see the whites?"

Lamont Sanford:
It was, "Don't fire 'till you see the whites of their eyes".

Fred Sanford:
Bufford never waited that long.

Fred Sanford:
Who is it?

Lamont Sanford:
It's the phone company. They say that if we don't pay the bill, they're gonna cut it off.

Fred Sanford:
Gimmie that. Hello? Yes, this is Fred Sanford. Yeah, the phone is listed in my name. Say listen, what makes you folks think you can call me and cut somebody's phone off just because they're a little behind in their bill? Listen, I need my phone for my place of business. That's right, I wish one of you would come over here and try to cut my phone off. I'd put my foot in your - Hello?

Aunt Esther:
Watch it, sucka.

Fred Sanford:
[sees Esther in the Sanford Arms] No animals allowed in here.

Aunt Esther:
Why you...

Mrs. Hopkins:
[to Esther] Let me handle this.

Mrs. Hopkins:
[to Fred] Watch it, sucka!

Fred Sanford:
[to white bank teller] I'd like to make a deposit.

WhiteBankTeller:
OK. How much?

Fred Sanford:
[shakes fist] How bout five in your mouth?

Officer 'Hoppy' Hopkins:
We better get down to the Nifty Grifty.

Lamont Sanford:
Nitty Gritty!

Officer 'Hoppy' Hopkins:
Nitty Gritty.

Fred Sanford:
[about Esther] This is our plumber but you can see that the pipes have backed up into her face.

Fred Sanford:
That's what they do. Them welfare people look under your bed, down your throat and up your mattress. And while they're prowling, your stomach's growling.

Lamont Sanford:
Pop, that's what the welfare thing was setup for: for people in financial trouble. What do you think we pay taxes for? We'd just be taking advantage of something that was setup for people like us.

Fred Sanford:
What do you mean 'people like us'?

Lamont Sanford:
Poor people. The have nots.

Fred Sanford:
The have nots? Well if the have nots could get something from the haves and the haves gave the have nots half of what they have, then the haves would still be the haves but the have nots would be the have somethings.

Lawyer:
We may have to go all the way to the highest court in the land.

Fred Sanford:
All the way.

Lawyer:
And you're willing 100%?

Fred Sanford:
All the way. See, this is America, where a right makes might, where justice is blind, where law is king, where a man should be able to persue his democratic right no matter what it costs him in time, effort and/or money.

Lawyer:
Okay, I'll need about $10 to file the complaint.

Fred Sanford:
I'll drop the case.

Aunt Esther:
You fish-eyed heathen.

Skeeter Matthews:
You must be Poppa Sanford.

Fred Sanford:
No, I'm Mama Cass.

Bubba:
Say Fred, that's one of them Superman suits ain't it?

Fred:
Superfly Bubba, Superfly.

[Bubba pretends to be Blind Mellow Jelly's son]

Bubba:
I want my daddy's records.

[Esther sees Fred with a lollipop]

Aunt Esther:
You just suck on that sucker, sucka.

Officer Hopkins:
The reception in the squad car was terrible. We couldn't pick up anything but police calls.

Lamont Sanford:
Grady, you're gonna be the first person in history to get busted for molesting a vegetable.

Lamont Sanford:
The first signs of marijuana use are the hungries, or munchies.

Grady Wilson:
Weren't they in The Wizard of Oz?

Lamont Sanford:
That's Munchkins.

Lamont Sanford:
[has discovered Fred cheats on his taxes] Why only put $200? Why not $1,000? Or $2,000? $10,000? Why not even a million?

Fred Sanford:
That's good. Put that down, Calvin.

Lamont Sanford:
Pop, if you put that, you go to jail.

Fred Sanford:
Take that off, Calvin.

Donna Harris:
Where are you going?

Fred Sanford:
[drunk] St. Louis. On the banks of the Misississippi. M-I-S... I-S-S... M-O-U-S-E.

Calvin:
How's your voice?

Fred Sanford:
I'm a little hoarse.

Calvin:
[points to his horse] So is he. Ha ha ha.

Fred Sanford:
Listen, Son, I kow everything that's going on here and that's your business.

Lamont Sanford:
I was hoping you'd understand...

Fred Sanford:
If you wanna be down here with that girl, that's your business. I mean, if you wanna be hugging and kissing all night, that's your business.

Lamont Sanford:
I appreciate it...

Fred Sanford:
But when she smacks your face and the police come here and arrest me for harboring a sex maniac, then that's MY business. So you get her the hell out of here.

Lamont Sanford:
What's the matter with you, man?

Fred Sanford:
Didn't you read the paper?

Lamont Sanford:
No. What happened?

Fred Sanford:
Well look here: Lucy stole Linus' blanket and hid it in Snoopy's dog house.

Lamont Sanford:
I'm glad you told me, now I won't have to watch the 11:00 news.

Lamont Sanford:
[about his cologne] It's called "A Day in Paris".

Fred Sanford:
Smells more like "A Night in El Segundo".

Lamont Sanford:
[on the phone with his employer] What do you mean what am I doing home? I already worked an hour and a half overtime for you. Did you expect me to unload all those bath tubs by myself? I don't get that. Of course I want the j... But I... WHAT? Well you're a *white* one! [hangs up]

Officer Hopkins:
How do you spell that, Honkey?

Fred Sanford:
Uh Y T!

Officer Hopkins:
Y T?

Fred Sanford:
Yeah! Say it again!

Officer Hopkins:
Y T Y T...

Fred Sanford:
Whitey!

Bailiff:
Will a Juan Diego Perez please rise?

Fred Sanford:
[whispering to Lamont] He's a Mexican.

Lamont Sanford:
Yeah, no kidding.

Fred Sanford:
[a Mexican man takes the stand] I'll bet he got a speeding ticket. See, when Mexicans finally get their cars started, they gotta get where they're going real fast before their car stalls again.

Fred Sanford:
Look at the family: buncha jive n*ggers.

Lamont Sanford:
Pop!

Fred Sanford:
[in court] Look at the judge. He's a brother. We lucked out.

Fred Sanford:
[singing] I'm Popeye the Sailor Man/I'm Popeye the Sailor Man/I like to go swimmin'/With bowlegged women/I'm Popeye the Sailor Man.

Fred Sanford:
I told you, I don't want no dentist to be fooling around in my mouth.

Lamont Sanford:
Why not?

Fred Sanford:
Because they make me nervous. All them drills and chisels and screw drivers they be sticking down your mouth. They don't even care if they hurt you or not, they just yank you and thank you.

Fred Sanford:
[a black dentist has exited and a white dentist enters] You see the difference between them right away?

Lamont Sanford:
Yeah, it's like night and day.

Fred Sanford:
I'll do it, but on one condition.

Lamont Sanford:
And that is?

Fred Sanford:
I want a white dentist.

Lamont Sanford:
What did you say?

Fred Sanford:
You heard me, I want a white dentist.

Lamont Sanford:
Well what makes you think you're going to get a black dentist?

Fred Sanford:
You said it was a free clinic, didn't you? Where you think you're gonna find a black dentist? In Beverly Hills?

Lamont Sanford:
Wasn't you the guy who told me once that you didn't want nothing white but milk?

Fred Sanford:
Well my tooth wasn't hurting then. I want the best available dentist for my tooth. Now just by coincidence, the best dentist schools are of the white people, by the white people, and for the white people. Now don't it seem likely that the best dentist would be white? White dentist, please?

Fred Sanford:
No, what I mean is: where do these dentists come from?

Secretary:
Well mostly from around here in California. But we do have a few from other countries: Canada, Mexico...

Fred Sanford:
Africa?

[Dr. Rogers, an African American dentist whom Fred had earlier shunned, enters]

Fred Sanford:
Hello, brother.

Dr. Rogers:
Now, Mr. Sanford, if you'll open your mouth nice and wide, so I can get your foot out first!

Lamont Sanford:
Hi Grady!

Grady:
Outta my way Lamont. [to Fred] You expect me to beleive a cock and bull story like that?

Fred Sanford:
Nope that's not Elizabeth. Too young, Too white.

Fred Sanford:
Ow my heart. I think I'm having a heart attack. You hear that Elizabeth I'm coming to join you honey. Your dummy son has made me a wooden overcoat. Oh, Elizabeth.

Lamont Sanford:
Whats the matter with you?

Aunt Esther:
Shut up, foo!

Officer Smith:
[Smitty's partner reads Miranda rights to a man accused by Grady of stealing a radio, but the man shows a purchase receipt to Smitty] Hopkins?

Officer Hopkins:
Yeah?

Officer Smith:
Remain silent!

Officer Hopkins:
Well, we better divide.

Officer Smith:
That's SPLIT!

Officer 'Hoppy' Hopkins:
We better SPIT!

Lamont Sanford:
THAT'S SPLIT!

Lamont Sanford:
Don't be ridiculous, Pop, you can't fight a traffic ticket.

Fred Sanford:
I'm not being ridiclous. You are. Now look, you get a ticket by a white cop in a blue uniform in a black neighborhood, making you so mad you see red. And you ain't gonna fight it 'cause you too yellow. Now what are you? A man or a box of crayons?

Fred Sanford:
Ester what are you doing here?

Aunt Esther:
What do you mean what am I doing here?

Fred Sanford:
Well Wolfwoman don't come out till there's a full moon.

Fred Sanford:
My my poor couch. I bet you never been sat on by a buffalo!

Grady:
I ain't givin you nothing you stubborn bull headed old buzzard.

Fred Sanford:
Who you calling old?

Aunt Esther:
Now Fred

Fred Sanford:
Yes Sir?

Aunt Esther:
Your neice is in town.

Fred Sanford:
What neice?

Aunt Esther:
WHAT NEICE? YOU'R ONLY NEICE and she is here to go to college.

Fred Sanford:
[Fred tells Lamont about his $500 giveaway idea] This idea is going to put us on easy street...

Lamont Sanford:
Is that where the poor house is located?

Fred Sanford:
What is fried Won Ton?

Waiter:
Chinese kreplah.

Fred Sanford:
Oh I ain't gonna eat that. That stuff'll kill you.

Aunt Esther:
My body was blessed by Mother Nature, honey.

Fred Sanford:
And as you got older, it was cursed by Father Time.

Fred Sanford:
[on the phone; In Japanese accent] I calling to tell you that we are not going to buy any property in your brock for the brewery and it's not Fled's "flault". No, it's not Fled's "flault"... Fled. Fled! FRED, you big, dumb Puerto Rican! [hangs up]

Lamont Sanford:
Hey Pop, I got a date tonight. I'm already late now.

Fred Sanford:
You can't do that. Listen, I made some arrangements. I got a surprise for you.

Lamont Sanford:
Uh-huh. Is it another relative coming? How much does this one weigh?

Fred Sanford:
Take out the trash Rollo.

Rollo Larson:
Where is it Mr. Sanford?

Fred Sanford:
It's in your shoes!

Lamont Sanford:
Did you get the liquor Rollo?

Rollo Larson:
No, I can't right now.

Lamont Sanford:
Why not?

Rollo Larson:
The store's still open!

Aunt Ethel:
[to Fred] How could you do this Fred? I remember the day you married my sister.

Fred Sanford:
[to Ah Chew and Esther] My two favorite diseases in the same room. Yellow Jaundice and the Black Plague.

Fred Sanford:
[sees Esther] There's got to be some mistake. This is not my Lena, this is someone's hyena.

Fred Sanford:
[calling the newspaper] Hello? Is this the Herald Examiner? Well, lemme speak to Harold.

Fred Sanford:
A pool table like this in a store would cost you two hundred bucks.

Otis:
Well how much do you want for it?

Fred Sanford:
Two hundred bucks.

Otis:
I thought that's what you said it would cost in a store.

Fred Sanford:
Well, wha'choo think I'm runnin' here? A taco stand?

Lamont Sanford:
[phoning their neighbor, afraid they've accidently shot him] You know, pop, the phone company says to always let the phone ring at least 10 times, because sometimes people be taking a shower or something.

Fred Sanford:
Yeah... and sometimes, they be dead!

Lamont Sanford:
Look at this, Pop. Monday morning - bingo. Tuesday evening - Doctor Talbot's lecture on the cause and cure of constipation.

Fred Sanford:
Wednesday morning - bingo!

Fred Sanford:
I brought you somethin' too, Esther.

Aunt Esther:
Why, that's nothing but a clear piece of plastic.

Fred Sanford:
No, it ain't. Put it up to your face. That's your Hallowe'en mask.

Lamont Sanford:
Would you like a drink, Aunt Esther?

Fred Sanford:
No, she wouldn't like a drink.

Aunt Esther:
Why wouldn't I like a drink?

Fred Sanford:
Because you *are* a drink... a Zombie.

Lamont Sanford:
Pop, if we don'y pay our bills the bank is gonna kick us out of our house

Fred Sanford:
[Esther walks in] Speaking of outhouses...

Aunt Esther:
Fred, I need your help.

Fred Sanford:
But, Esther, I'm a junkman, not a plastic surgeon.

Aunt Esther:
But, Fred, I need your truck.

Fred Sanford:
I agree. Son, take the truck and run over Esther's face.

Aunt Esther:
We're not going to have this baby like you had Lamont.

Fred Sanford:
You gonna to have this baby on purpose?

Officer 'Hoppy' Hopkins:
[Hoppy and Jones are taking the TV set that was Grady's to the TV repair man that was robbed] We gotta crack.

Officer Jones:
Split!

Officer 'Hoppy' Hopkins:
Split.

Fred Sanford:
Grady, why are you my friend?

Grady:
I don't know

Fred Sanford:
I don't know either.

[repeated line]

Aunt Esther:
Fish-eyed fool!

Fred Sanford:
[after Jones and Hoppy have left with the TV set] I hope you're happy, Grady. I'm out of $50 bucks.

Grady:
[shouts] You should not have sold my set!

Fred Sanford:
You're wrong, Grady. That was *my* set.

Fred Sanford:
[Lamont is recovering from over-drinking] You were so drunk last night, you hung your clothes up in the closet!

Lamont Sanford:
I always hang my clothes up in the closet.

Fred Sanford:
Yeah, but usually you take 'em off!

Ugly Fat Woman in Audience:
[Fred Sanford has attended the taping of a cooking show in a final desperate attempt to sell his Whopper Choppers. He is taking his seat in the audience when he apparently goes past an ugly fat woman in an improper manner] [annoyingly] Would you please?

Fred Sanford:
Not if you were the last woman on earth.

Fred Sanford:
[there's a knock at the door] [to Lamont] It's the door.

Lamont Sanford:
[sarcastically] No kidding.

Fred Sanford:
Well?

Lamont Sanford:
Well, what?

Fred Sanford:
You want me to answer it?

Lamont Sanford:
No, have it framed and hang it on the wall.

[Fred is getting a chest X-ray]

Nurse:
Lean your shoulders against the wall. That's right. [slaps him on the rear] Tuck it in!

Fred Sanford:
I'll tuck it in if you tuck yours in!

Grady:
Oh, hi... um... uh... who are you?

Aunt Esther:
Esther, fool.

Grady:
Hi, Estherfool.

Fred Sanford:
[Referring to Esther] Excuse the mess. She was just leaving.

[Fred has fallen asleep while writing out his will. Lamont goes beside of Fred, which wakes him]

Fred Sanford:
And the tall dummy I see before me, I leave to the San Francisco Zoo!

[Julio has been robbed overnight, and Fred saw the robbers but is refusing to cooperate]

Officer Smith:
Mr. Sanford, by turning these men in, you give them the opportunity to be rehabilitated.

Fred Sanford:
Yeah, but that'll give them the opportunity to have me decapitated!

Fred Sanford:
[to Lamont about his date] She's a lush and you a dummy. My granbaby will be a lummy

Grady:
[Repeated lines between the two] Oh nope. Nope! Nope! Nope!

Lamont Sanford:
What do you mean "Nope Nope Nope"?

Fred Sanford:
[Finding Gus in a bathtub outside after being thrown out once before] Now get up out of there!

Gus:
I'm going. But just know I'll never contribute to the NAACP!

Fred Sanford:
Good, and I'll never contribute to the KKK!

Lamont Sanford:
Hey, now that's blackmail!

Fred Sanford:
No, that's whitemail!

Lamont Sanford:
Haven't you ever heard of the Good Samaritan?

Fred Sanford:
You know I don't like them Japanese movies.

Lamont Sanford:
That's Samaritan, not samurai!

Donna Harris:
[after complaining about the sex and violence in modern movies] You know, Fred, I miss the old movies.

Fred G. Sanford:
Yeah, me too. Y'know, like Mickey Rooney in "Love Finds Andy Hardy." If they made that same movie today, they'd have to call it "Love Finds Andy Naked."

Grady Wilson:
[With Esther scowling at him, Grady turns to Lamont] Is this your Aunt Esther, or King Kong after he fell off the Empire State Building?

Lamont Sanford:
Pop, since you was 10, you smoked a cigarette 41 miles long!

Fred G. Sanford:
That's real super king-size, ain't it?

Fred G. Sanford:
[after flirting with the attractive young receptionist] Now, she's got T.B.

Lamont Sanford:
What?

Fred G. Sanford:
Terrific Body.

Lamont Sanford:
You're a dirty old man, you know that?

Fred G. Sanford:
And I'm gonna be one till I'm a dead old man.

Fred G. Sanford:
I thought I was too old for this kind of carryin' on. Say, do you know what Ernestine calls me? Ready Freddy.

Lamont Sanford:
Who's Ernestine?

Fred G. Sanford:
I told you she was here last night. Whew! What a rump roast!

Fred G. Sanford:
[When Lamont suggests acupuncture] And now look at this, my only son's tryin' to get me shish-kabobed!

Panjib:
May the river of your age soon spend itself out and disport you on the sands of eternal well-being.

Fred G. Sanford:
And may the muddy waters of the Mississippi run up your Taj and out your Mahal.

Doctor:
This is remarkable! A total body acupuncture cure.

Fred G. Sanford:
That's right, Doc, and by a cactus, not you.

Doctor:
So?

Fred G. Sanford:
So I suggest you acupuncture your bill.

Doctor:
I don't understand.

Fred G. Sanford:
Stick it.

Mrs. Hopkins:
[Speaking at the testimonial dinner] Tonight we have come here to praise Fred Sanford, not to bury him. Though the vote was close... I salute you, Fred Sanford! And if I may say in the vernacular of the ghetto, [raising fist in a power salute] right on, sucker!

Panjib:
[Trying to teach Fred a yoga position called the "Flower of Traquility] Are you having a problem with your Flower of Tranquility?

Fred G. Sanford:
[Sound of ripping fabric] No, I'm having a problem with my Fruit of the Looms!

Lena Horne:
I didn't mean to startle you, but what are you doing in my dressing room?

Fred G. Sanford:
Right now I'm having a heart attack.

Fred G. Sanford:
See, Miss Horne, I'm a fan of yours, I mean a real big fan. I saw your movie "Stormy Weather" 38 times.

Lena Horne:
You're joking. You mean to tell me you paid to see "Stormy Weather" 38 times?

Fred G. Sanford:
No, I only paid once. I went in on a Saturday and came out on a Wednesday evening.

Lena Horne:
[Discussing Lamont] Well, doesn't he go to school?

Fred G. Sanford:
Not anymore. He's a drop in.

Lena Horne:
You mean a drop out?

Fred G. Sanford:
No, a drop in. He dropped in a few times then he just quit.

Lena Horne:
[Asking about "little" Lamont] Oh, is he asleep?

Fred G. Sanford:
Just went to sleep.

Lena Horne:
Oh, I'm so sorry. I could've helped put him into his 'jammies.

Fred G. Sanford:
Yeah, he would have liked that.

Lamont Sanford:
[Upon seeing Lena Horne in his living room, clutches his chest and staggers] Oh! I think I'm havin' one, Pop! My very first one. And it's a big one. Ya hear that, Mom? Your little boy's comin' to join ya... with a moustache!

Lamont Sanford:
Look, Pop, try and be a little nice to Aunt Esther. You know she's got that whiplash and that's very painful.

Fred G. Sanford:
How did she do that, anyway?

Lamont Sanford:
Well, she was sitting in the back of Uncle Woody's truck, and she got hit from the rear.

Fred G. Sanford:
Well, how could you tell? Both ends look the same to me.

Aunt Esther Anderson:
You don't know nothin' about babies!

Fred G. Sanford:
Who, Fred G. Sanford? The G stands for goo-goo, gah-gah and gynecologist.

Aunt Esther Anderson:
I need help!

Fred G. Sanford:
Help? I'm just a junkman, not a plastic surgeon.

Aunt Esther Anderson:
Please, Fred, I need your truck.

Fred G. Sanford:
I agree. Son, you take the truck and run over Esther's face.

Fred G. Sanford:
I learned the day after Lamont was born that it's much harder to be a father than it is to become one.

Uncle Woodrow 'Woody' Anderson:
[as Esther and Daniel come into the store, Woody turns to Fred] Does he look tough to you?

Fred G. Sanford:
Hard to tell. Standing next to Esther, King Kong would look like John-Boy.

Mr. Phillips:
[the loan officer questions Fred] How did you arrive at your fifteen-hundred-dollar figure?

Fred G. Sanford:
I went to Vic Tanny.

Mr. Phillips:
It seems feasible.

Fred G. Sanford:
Then feas it.

Lamont Sanford:
[fighting with Fred] And that's another thing - I'm getting tired of you callin' me a dummy.

Fred G. Sanford:
The only reason I call you a dummy is because I call 'em as I see 'em. Dummy.

Mr. Clifford:
[the employment officer interviews Lamont] What's your educational background?

Lamont Sanford:
Well, I was working towards my Ph.D., but I didn't quite complete it.

Mr. Clifford:
I see. How far did you get?

Lamont Sanford:
About the 10th grade.

Lamont Sanford:
President Nixon's not gonna run.

Fred G. Sanford:
If he comes through Watts he will.

Mrs. Hopkins:
Mr. Sanford, my bathtub is backing up again. Now, what do you suggest?

Fred G. Sanford:
I suggest you get in it, take it out of reverse, and drive it off a cliff.

Mrs. Hopkins:
Well, I never!

Fred G. Sanford:
Try it, you'll like it.

Fred G. Sanford:
[to aspiring actor Lamont] I can't wait to see you starring in your first movie, "Deep Dummy."

Fred G. Sanford:
Freddy's life is goin' down the drain / God, pull out the stopper / stole money from my only son / for these lousy Whopper Choppers!

Grady Wilson:
[Discussing Carol] Fred, I think you should throw the bum out.

Fred G. Sanford:
I can't do that; I can't do that. He's an old friend of mine. And he's from Buffalo, and he's in the chips.

Carol Rhodes:
I ain't had a steady job since this Depression came. And I was unemployed three years before that.

Fred G. Sanford:
I don't understand you kids today. If I had talked to my father the way you talk to me, you know what he'd have done?

Lamont Sanford:
Yeah, he'd have given you one across the lip.

Fred G. Sanford:
That's right. And he would've continued on down from there. He whipped from the lips to the hips.

Lamont Sanford:
And you think that's the answer, huh?

Fred G. Sanford:
Well, it might not be the answer, but it sure was no question when he finished.

Fred G. Sanford:
[Discussing the coffins] And they ain't goin' in the house!

Lamont Sanford:
Oh, yes they are!

Fred G. Sanford:
Oh, no they're not. Over my dead body.

Lamont Sanford:
Well, that's one sale we got.

Fred G. Sanford:
[Discussing the coffins] You know anyone around who can use one?

Melvin:
Well, if he can use it, he ain't no longer around.

Lamont Sanford:
This is ridiculous! You're ridiculous and I'm ridiculous for being out here with you!

Fred G. Sanford:
Then go back in the house.

Lamont Sanford:
Don't be ridiculous.

Melvin:
[Entering the house] Hi Fred, Hi Lamont [sees the coffins in the living room] Bye Fred, Bye Lamont! [Turns around and walks out]

Fred G. Sanford:
Melvin, wait a minute! Come back here!

Lamont Sanford:
What do you say pop?

Fred G. Sanford:
Don't call me pop you don't sound like sound like no son of min you sound like the son of Frankenstein!

Bubba Bexley:
Hi, Fred!

Fred G. Sanford:
That's Committee Man Fred.

Bubba Bexley:
What did you commit?

Fred G. Sanford:
I'm committing you, Bubba, to the home where the senile roam.

Mrs. Channing:
Well, I never!

Fred G. Sanford:
Well, maybe if you try wearin' a mask.

Fred G. Sanford:
You see, saving junk is my specialty.

Mr. Wilkins:
Yes, I can tell by your outfit.

Fred G. Sanford:
What this neighborhood doesn't need is another campaign headquarters. It needs a junkyard! As long as I have breath in my body, strength in my arms, and love in my heart for my fellow man, I'm gonna give 'em junk!

Fred G. Sanford:
[to Mr. Hutton] If Della Reese is your niece, my son is Atilla the Hun.

Della Reese:
[to Fred, who is suffering a heart attack] Can I call you "Fred"?

Fred G. Sanford:
Fred? Did'ja hear that, Elizabeth? Della called me Fred! Uh, Honey, can you find something to do for a couple hours?

Fred G. Sanford:
[after singing a few lines with Della] I wanna ask ya, do I remind you of Billy Eckstine?

Della Reese:
Only when you mentioned his name.

Fred G. Sanford:
When Esther was a little girl, a guy drove up beside her and offered her some suckers to get UNDER his car.

Fred G. Sanford:
[after learning Esther is moving in] I can see my tombstone: "Fred Sanford lies here. 1908 to 1975. Died from an overdose of ugly."

Uncle Woodrow 'Woody' Anderson:
[Opening a dinner invitation] Listen to this, Fred: "Roses are red / mustards are green / come over for dinner / and we'll lick our plates clean."

Aunt Esther Anderson:
[to Fred and Donna] I'm leaving because I refuse to remain in the same house as a heathen and a sheathen!

Fred G. Sanford:
[Rebuffing Lamont's fears of an earthquake damaging their home] This place is solid as a rock, a fortress, like they say, "in time the Rockies may tumble, Gibraltar may crumble, they only made of clay, but [spreading arms and bursting into song] my junk is here to stay"!

Fred G. Sanford:
Eathquakes on the coast, 120-degree temperatures on the desert; they oughtta change the name of California to Shake n' Bake, USA!

Fred G. Sanford:
[Starstruck Fred to Steve & Eydie] Listen, if you're ever in Los Angeles, feel free to call on me.

Steve Lawrence:
Thanks, but I'd rather use a phone.

Lamont Sanford:
You are Scrooge. This is just like that story, 'Christmas Carol'.

Fred G. Sanford:
What the Dickens are you talking about?

Aunt Esther Anderson:
I have the feeling of Christmas!

Fred G. Sanford:
And the face of Halloween!

Fred G. Sanford:
I'm kinda sleepy, son.

Lamont Sanford:
Naturally, you've been over-resting.

Lamont Sanford:
[as the Ghost of Christmas] We'll travel on the clouds, above the stars in the sky.

Fred G. Sanford:
Unh-uh, I ain't smokin' any of that stuff.

Lamont Sanford:
[as the Ghost of Christmas] This is your future, Fred Sanford.

Fred G. Sanford:
That's me? All alone, no son, no friends?

Lamont Sanford:
And do you know why?

Fred G. Sanford:
No deodorant?

Carol Davis:
It's amazing how time flies when the conversation is interesting, isn't it?

Carol Davis:
Yeah, like sand in the hourglass, so are the days of our lives.

Carol Davis:
Fred, that's very poetic. Did you just make that up?

Fred G. Sanford:
Oh, no. That's the words MacDonald Carey lives by every day at 12:30, 11:30 Central.

Fred G. Sanford:
Listen, Lamont, I'm not married. I still gotta sow some wild oats.

Lamont Sanford:
Pop, at your age you ain't got no wild oats; you got shredded wheat.

Fred G. Sanford:
Okay, so I got shredded wheat, but I still got a whole lot of snap, crackle and pop left.

Fred G. Sanford:
Listen, y'know I had an uncle who was a Catholic. I don't know if I told you that he had water on the knee, that's why he had to give it up.

Fred G. Sanford:
Listen, I went through a lot of expense to make this a romantic evening. I even got some pink Champagne chilling in the refrigerator.

Lamont Sanford:
You bought Champagne?

Fred G. Sanford:
Well, not really. It's really ginger ale and Ripple. See, I call it Champipple.

Fred G. Sanford:
Redd Foxx is my idol. I love him. I love the way he spells his name with two d's and two x's.

Lamont Sanford:
I wonder why he does that.

Fred G. Sanford:
I don't know about the two d's, but I saw his nightclub act once, and I know why they got all them x's!

Fred G. Sanford:
Listen, I am the big biz whiz of Watts.

Lamont Sanford:
You're the big biz whiz of Watts, huh?

Fred G. Sanford:
Allow me to introduce myself: J. Paul Ghetto.

Fred G. Sanford:
[Muttering after a persistent door knocker cuts short Fred's hugging and kissing Donna] Just my kinda luck. Knockus interruptus.

Fred G. Sanford:
[Contesting Bubba's play in Scrabble] There's no such word as "gazinta"!

Bubba Bexley:
There is so. It's an arithmetic word.

Fred G. Sanford:
Gazinta?

Bubba Bexley:
Sure. Two gazinta four; four gazinta eight.

Fred G. Sanford:
[Raising fist] And five gazinta your lips!

Nurse:
[to the surly Fred Sanford] The last thing I need is a cranky old man who ought to sue Mother Nature for malpractice of the mouth.

Louwella:
[Fred asleep on couch, Louwella quickly descends the stairs] Mr. Sanford! Mr. Sanford, wake up! Wake up, Mr. Sanford, wake up! I think it's time.

Fred G. Sanford:
[Groggy] Yes, the Late Show! Turn it on, turn it on!

Louwella:
No, Mr. Sanford, I'm talking about my baby.

Fred G. Sanford:
Turn it off! Turn it off!

Louwella:
I can't help it. The pains are coming closer and closer together.

Fred G. Sanford:
[Staggering with a heart attack] Mine too! Oh! This might be the Big One!

Judge:
You say, you're the counsel for the defendant?

[indicating Lamont]

Fred Sanford:
I've been counseling him all his life, and I wanna ask this officer here a question.

[indicating the arresting officer]

Judge:
Very well. Proceed.

Fred Sanford:
Now here's the question.

[walks to the officer]

Fred Sanford:
What have you got against black drivers?

Judge:
[has to bang his gavel as the gallery erupts] Order! Order! I will not tolerate these outbursts!

[to Fred]

Judge:
And you will restrict your inquiry to the matter before the court!

Fred Sanford:
Well, that's what's wrong with the court, judge. A black man ain't got a chance down here.

Judge:
I'm black.

Fred Sanford:
Well, you the judge, that don't count.

Fred Sanford:
[to Lamont] You got a ticket from a white man in a blue uniform, in a black neighborhood, and you're so mad you see red, and you won't fight it 'cause you're too yellow. Now what are you, a man or a box of crayons?

Fred Sanford:
Listen, why don't you arrest some white drivers?

Cop:
I do.

Fred Sanford:
You do? Well, where are they? Look at all these niggas in here! Look around here! There's enough niggas in here to make a Tarzan movie!

Fred Sanford:
[Commenting to Lamont about Mr. Lopez as the Mexican man steps before the judge] I bet he got a speeding ticket. Y'see, because when Mexicans get their car started they have to drive real fast to get where they're going before the car stalls again.

Fred Sanford:
Are you really a lawyer?

Sonny Cochran:
Well, some folks say I am a lawyer, while other folks say I ain't.

Fred Sanford:
Who says you ain't?

Sonny Cochran:
The State of California!

Lamont Sanford:
Hey, Pop, why don't you face it, your songs are stupid!

Fred G. Sanford:
They are not stupid. I write about real emotion. Things everyone knows and feels.

Lamont Sanford:
[Looking at Fred's lyric sheet] "I Left My Heart in El Segundo"?

Fred G. Sanford:
I've come a long way from St. Louie, but not far enough. B.B. King is gonna kill me!

Lamont Sanford:
Honest Hal? Pop, with a name like Honest Hal, he couldn't possibly be honest.

Fred G. Sanford:
Why not? Tricky Dicky was tricky.

Clarence:
[Fred opens the door and an old man and two elderly women enter] Are you Fred Sanford?

Fred G. Sanford:
Uh, yeah. Who are you all, Tony Orlando and Twilight?

Rose:
Do you believe in action?

Fred G. Sanford:
Not with you, Polident-puss!

Hank:
If you call off your pickets, we'll give you a stereo free.

Lamont Sanford:
Hey, my Pop wouldn't sell out the Gray Foxes for a mere stereo.

Fred G. Sanford:
Uh, yeah, you're right, son. However, if you threw in a free record collection...

Lamont Sanford:
But Pop?

Hank:
Anything you want!

Fred G. Sanford:
You got any Isaac Hayes and Leslie Uggams?

Hank:
We certainly do!

Lamont Sanford:
What about ethics and morality?

Fred G. Sanford:
Yeah, throw them in too with Earth, Wind & Fire.

Lamont Sanford:
[Telling his father of his plans to marry Julio's sister] But look on the bright side of it, Pop. When we have our first son we'll name him after you. We'll call him Fredrico! Litte Fredrico Manuel Fuentes Sanford!

Fred G. Sanford:
[Staggering, hand over his heart] Oh, no! This is the biggest one I ever had! You hear that, Elizabeth? I'm comin' to join ya, honey... with an invitation to a Puerto Rican wedding!

Fred G. Sanford:
He wouldn't take the money if he knew I'd borrowed it.

Bubba Bexley:
Well, what are you gonna tell him?

Fred G. Sanford:
I'll just tell him it's a gift, that I'd been savin' it all my life and it's his wedding present.

Bubba Bexley:
That's good. And if he buys that, I got some oceanfront property in Kansas you can sell him.

Lamont Sanford:
You took $6,000 in coins to the bank? That's unbelievable!

Fred G. Sanford:
You tellin' me? If there had been a bus to Europe I would've had the exact change.

Grady Wilson:
[Stopping Esther as she begins looking over the garden] Fred told me to keep you out of this garden.

Aunt Esther Anderson:
Is that so?

Grady Wilson:
Yeah. He said just because he had planted a Garden of Eden, there was no reason to let the serpent in.

Lamont Sanford:
[Thinking of what to do with the marijuana plants] We gotta think of some way to get rid of that stuff.

Rollo Larson:
Hey, don't worry, baby! I'll do it.

Lamont Sanford:
Wait a minute! I know - I'll burn it!

Rollo Larson:
That's exactly what I had in mind!

Officer 'Hoppy' Hopkins:
[while ravenously eating Grady's wild parsley salad] That is delicious! Oughtta be a crime for a salad to be this good.

Rollo Larson:
In most states it is.

Grady Wilson:
[Perturbed at being pestered by Lamont while serving seconds of his salad] You wouldn't disturb the Wright Brothers when they were trying to fly?

Lamont Sanford:
That's exactly what I want to talk to you about!

Lamont Sanford:
[Lamont and Grady in the kitchen. Lamont explaining why the policemen can't stop eating so much of Grady's salad] Now just about everybody knows that one of the main side effects of using marijuana is the hungries or the munchies.

Grady Wilson:
Weren't they in "The Wizard of Oz"?

Lamont Sanford:
That was the Munchkins!

Grady Wilson:
Oooh, yeah. Didn't you just love that picture?

Lamont Sanford:
Grady, would you knock it off? This is no time for that.

Grady Wilson:
There was Dorothy and Toto and the Wicked Witch of the Watts.

Lamont Sanford:
Of the West, Grady!

Fred G. Sanford:
[Showing Lamont his latest culinary invention] This is a special blend of Swiss cheese and guacamole. I call it "Holy Moley."

Julio Fuentes:
[Frustrated with Fred's unwillingness to help him] You know, my Bible says, "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you."

Fred G. Sanford:
And my Bible says, "Don't do unto others if they ain't done unto you, because you might get done in doing it."

Lamont Sanford:
When I was a kid, you was the one that always told me to "Love thy neighbor."

Fred G. Sanford:
I didn't know the neighborhood was gonna change this fast.

Fred G. Sanford:
[Discouraging his son from eating breakfast at Julio's] Son, come here, let me tell you something. Now, if the Lord had intended you to eat Puerto Rican food, he'd have lined your stomach with Pepto Bismol.

Fred G. Sanford:
[Suggesting a name for Lamont and Julio's business] I'll tell you what you should call it - Julio and damn foolio.

Mrs. Fuentes:
Buenas dias, Mr. Sanford!

Fred G. Sanford:
And bony knees to you, too.

Fred G. Sanford:
There they are, the four new business partners: Fuentes, Fuentes, Chico and Dummo!

Fred G. Sanford:
[Describing his bed at the flophouse] This bed is so full of bugs, I feel like I'm sleeping at the watergate!

Fred G. Sanford:
The full name is King Frederick G. Sanford, and the G stands for gefilte fish.

Aunt Esther Anderson:
Some people claim the Falashas come from the son of King Solomon and the Queen of Sheba.

Fred G. Sanford:
Oh, King Solomon, from the Bible. That the the guy who had the argument with those two mothers, took their kids and split.

Aunt Esther Anderson:
Something like that, fool. I don't understand how the wisest of men beget the biggest turkey in Watts.

Lamont Sanford:
Kosher turkey! That's the biggest kosher turkey!

Fred G. Sanford:
[after attending synagogue] By the way, I learned that "bubba" is the Yiddish word for grandmother.

Bubba Bexley:
No kiddin', Fred?

Fred G. Sanford:
No kiddin', Grandma.

Aunt Esther Anderson:
And did you learn that Esther was a Jewish queen? The most beautiful queen that ever was?

Fred G. Sanford:
Well, somebody lied.

Aunt Esther Anderson:
No, they didn't! There's a whole story in the Bible, all about me.

Fred G. Sanford:
Oh, yeah, I remember now. Samson slew the Philistine with your jawbone.

Fred G. Sanford:
[to Lamont] Remember that show we saw on TV with that lady that was living with a family of chimpanzees, uh, Jane Goodall? I think it was called "Goodall in the Family."

Fred G. Sanford:
[Coming into the living room and frustrated to find Lamont has brought Ah Chew with him] Gee whiz, you here again? Listen, why do you always hang out with him? You gonna wind up catching yellow jaundice.

Ah Chew:
Hey, what have you got, man? Black Plague?

Lamont Sanford:
[after Fred tells Lamont how he's going to make big money by writing his autobiography] You mean to tell me you think people are gonna pay their hard-earned cash to read about "The Memoirs of Fred Sanford"?

Fred G. Sanford:
I'm not gonna call it that. I've got some tricky names that I'm gonna put in there. Wanna hear 'em?

Lamont Sanford:
No.

Fred G. Sanford:
How about, uh, "The Junkcorcist"?

Lamont Sanford:
Good night, Pop.

Fred G. Sanford:
[shouting after Lamont, who has left the kitchen] I know what I'll call it. I'll name it after you - "The Day of the Jackass"!

Fred G. Sanford:
[after Junior smashes a lamp while training in the house] Here I am, I ain't been in the wide world of sports two minutes and already I can sense the agony of defeat.

Lamont Sanford:
[Chastising his father for getting taken in by a con man] Pop, how could you do any kind of business with Yerby, man? Anybody that goes door to door selling encyclopedias printed in crayon is deranged.

Grady Wilson:
[Upon entering Clancy Fitzgerald's 1930's-era office] Wow, Fred, this looks like something right out of one of those old movies. I could just close my eyes and see... I can see... Y'know, Fred, with my eyes closed I can't see a damn thing.

Grady Wilson:
She's gonna steal me away, Fred!

Fred G. Sanford:
That's called petty larceny.

Fred G. Sanford:
[Offering Dolly hors d'oeuvres] Why don't you try some of these horse divers?

Dolly:
Some of these what?

Fred G. Sanford:
Horse divers; that's French for appetizer.

Lamont Sanford:
[In response to Fred's planning a romantic getaway with Donna to Disneyland] Yeah, but I'd like to know what's so romantic about Disneyland?

Fred G. Sanford:
Disneyland Motel.

Lamont Sanford:
You're a dirty old man, you know that?

Fred G. Sanford:
And I'm gonna be one till I'm a dead old man.

Fred G. Sanford:
[Fred reading a recipe from the newspaper's food section] Here it is right here. It says, "Tempt your guests with this delicious, appetizing horse diver."

Lamont Sanford:
Wait a minute, let me see that. That's not "horse diver." It's French. That's horz dee ovary.

Fred G. Sanford:
[to Grady, who's vigorously blowing his nose] Grady, will you stop that? You gonna blow something out your head that you need.

Dan:
The circus I worked for went broke.

Fred G. Sanford:
Oh, yeah? Who was it, Ringling Brothers, Barnum and Bankrupt?

Fred G. Sanford:
I can get out of the junk business into the jungle business. I can see it now: "Sabu and Son."

Fred G. Sanford:
[Ringleader Fred introducing Lamont as Strongo] 185 pounds of pure muscle, faster than a speeding junk truck, more powerful than Roto Rooter, able to leap tall women in a single bound!"

Fred G. Sanford:
There's somethin' on TV I really want to see tonight, Son. It's a very sad episode of "The Six Million Dollar Man."

Lamont Sanford:
Aw, Pop.

Fred G. Sanford:
But it is, Son. Y'see, the Six Million Dollar Man becomes outdated, so they donate his vital organs to a used car lot in El Segundo.

Lamont Sanford:
I'm gonna call the police!

Fred G. Sanford:
Yeah, tell 'em we were robbed by a gang of weirdos!

Lamont Sanford:
Why do you say they were weirdos?

Fred G. Sanford:
Who else would steal Esther's picture?

Miss Funai:
Sayonara.

Fred G. Sanford:
Yeah, and Frank Sinatra to you.

Fred G. Sanford:
[In response to the question of why Lamont is placing Fred in the retirement home] Y'see, he's going around the world with a bunch of fruitcakes, so say "bon voyage" to the African Queen!

Fred G. Sanford:
[Fred reclining on his bed reading, a knocking is heard at his door] Whoever it is I don't want none of it! I don't wanna play no shuffleboard, don't wanna play no checkers, and I don't want to weave no damn baskets! [Knocking persists] Will you go away? I'm smokin' pot!

Lamont Sanford:
Pop, you were never on the Harlem Globetrotters!

Fred G. Sanford:
Yes, I was. You just don't remember, because when I was dribbling with the Globetrotters, you were slam dunking in your diapers.

Fred G. Sanford:
I always get along swell with schoolteachers. I can't wait to meet her so I can clap her erasers.

Bubba Bexley:
[Fred pacing in front of the television] Fred, can you stand still? I can't see the movie, and it's my very favorite one, too: "The Giant Baboon Who Ate Rangoon at Noon in June with a Spoon."

Bubba Bexley:
[Stopping Fred from relaxing in his chair] That's the worst thing you can do is get comfortable. What you need to do is to be around things that make you jumpy, things that annoy you, things that make your skin crawl.

Fred G. Sanford:
Well, what are you waiting for? Call Esther!

Osgood Wilcox:
[Addressing Fred] I did 30 push-ups, 50 sit-ups, and jogged three miles this morning before breakfast. What did you do?

Lamont Sanford:
He read Dear Abby, stood up too fast and almost fainted.

Osgood Wilcox:
White wine. Nothing like white wine. White wine should be drunk young.

Fred G. Sanford:
Yeah, I was drunk when I was young.

Fred G. Sanford:
[In the kitchen checking on the rump roast while Donna and Osgood dance in the living room] They ain't doin' nothin' but dancing.

Lamont Sanford:
Uh-huh. All I know is he's the dude with the dame and you're the chump with the rump.

Osgood Wilcox:
Well, now, I think it only fair to warn you I'm quite skilled at karate.

[Demonstrates karate chops and a kick]

Osgood Wilcox:
HWAH! HWAH! SHAH!

Fred G. Sanford:
This nigga's crazy!

Fred G. Sanford:
[Julio, Carlotta and Roberto are shouting at each other in Spanish] Hold it! Hold it! Now we have to start speaking English here. This isn't the unemployment office, you know.

Fred G. Sanford:
[Lamont lays down the law to his lazy father] We gonna get some oojima in this house starting today.

Fred G. Sanford:
[Puzzled] Some who?

Lamont Sanford:
Some oojima.

Fred G. Sanford:
[Turning to his friend] Bubba, you ever hear of oojima?

Bubba Bexley:
No, but I know Big Jima.

Fred G. Sanford:
Yeah, she's the stripper over at that topless joint.

Bubba Bexley:
[Both men clap their hands and laugh] Yeah!

Fred G. Sanford:
[addressing his dashiki-wearing son] So what's your original new name?

Lamont Sanford:
Kalunda.

Fred G. Sanford:
Ka-who?

Lamont Sanford:
Kalunda.

Fred G. Sanford:
If you think I'm gonna change the sign from Sanford and Son to Sanford and Kalunda you're crazy.

Fred G. Sanford:
Listen, Lamont...

Lamont Sanford:
Not Lamont! Kalunda! Kah-loon-dah. Say it.

Fred G. Sanford:
Calendar.

Lamont Sanford:
[explaining to Fred why there is African art, shields and masks in the living room] A man's home is supposed to reflect his culture.

Fred G. Sanford:
Well, if you want to reflect MY culture, put up a picture of Billy Eckstine and Joe Louis.

Gus Thomas:
Mr. Wilson, karate is one of the oldest forms of self-defense known to man.

Grady Wilson:
It ain't older than running.

Fred G. Sanford:
[after Lamont agrees to Fred's coming to Marilyn's Beverly Hills home, but that he'll have to wait outside in the truck] I don't mind sitting in the truck, as long as you give me a camera so I can take the expression off that Beverly Hills policeman's face when I tell him I'm sitting in the truck waiting on my son who's inside choking a white woman to death.

Mr. O'Neill:
[Offering his guest a nightcap] C'mon, Sanford, name your poison. What'll you have?

Fred G. Sanford:
Gimme a glass of Ripple.

Mr. O'Neill:
Ripple? What's that?

Fred G. Sanford:
That's the national wine of Watts.

Bubba Bexley:
[Describing a film to Fred] The part of the concerned father was played by that great athlete Charles Laughton, who played hunchback for Notre Dame.

Fred G. Sanford:
Uh, Bubba, when you talk, don't use your mouth.

Lamont Sanford:
Is this gonna be one of those conversations about the facts of life?

Fred G. Sanford:
Yes.

Lamont Sanford:
Whetre you tell me about the birds and the bees?

Fred G. Sanford:
No. I want you to tell me about the bids and the bees, 'cause I ain't been stung in years.

Mrs. Hopkins:
Well, I guess I better be off, yes?

Fred G. Sanford:
Yes, you are a little off.

Fred G. Sanford:
[In disguise as Colombo] I'm the Falcon. Peter Falcon.

Fred G. Sanford:
Go on home, Esther, by yourself. See, you'll be safe 'cause it's "Be Kind To Someone Ugly Week."

Lamont Sanford:
[Lamont speaking with his hypochondriac father notices the book beside him in bed] Hey, wait a minute, what's that? Don't tell me that's a Bible?

Fred G. Sanford:
What'd you think it is? What's wrong with that?

Lamont Sanford:
Nothing. It's just I ain't never seen you so close to one before.

Fred G. Sanford:
I ain't never felt this close to the one who wrote it before.

Aunt Esther Anderson:
[after being insulted by Fred] Who you calling ugly, suckah?

Fred G. Sanford:
I'm calling you ugly. I could stick your face in some dough and make some gorilla cookies!

Fred G. Sanford:
Why you smilin' at me like Bela Lugosi?

Lamont Sanford:
Well, can't I smile at my own father?

Grady Wilson:
Let me have a drink, please?

Fred G. Sanford:
Okay. Listen, you wanna try one I invented? It's a mixture of Ripple and cream. I call it "cripple." Y'see, after you drink a few of 'em, you walk with a limp.

Aunt Esther Anderson:
[after Fred asks Esther whether Elizabeth was ever unfaithful to him] My baby sister Elizabeth was as pure as the driven snow.

Fred G. Sanford:
Yeah, but who was doing the driving?

Aunt Esther Anderson:
Just a chicken pickin' minute!

Lamont Sanford:
[after Grip has claimed to be Lamont's father, Lamont turns to Fred] Hey, man, this is my father, the only Pop I've ever known. Now, all my life it's been Sanford and Son, and, as far as I'm concerned, that's the way it's gonna always be.

Fred G. Sanford:
[Fred and Grady discussing a possible mate for Lamont] This magazine is about Cicely Tyson, and that's the kind of girl Lamont likes.

Grady Wilson:
[Skeptically] You really think so, huh?

Fred G. Sanford:
Absolutely.

Grady Wilson:
Yeah, y'know, Fred, I saw her on TV and she was 105 years old.

Fred G. Sanford:
Oh, you dumb - that was a role she was playing! She must be 30ish.

Grady Wilson:
Thirtyish? Boy, she sure let herself go.

Lamont Sanford:
[to Fred, who is sitting at the table stunned after learning his sister married a white man] Hey, Pop, you look frozen.

Fred G. Sanford:
Sure I'm frozen. I just got hugged and kissed by Snow Whitey.

Fred G. Sanford:
[Bemoaning his sister's marriage] Why? Why? Who needs him? She coulda had the real thing, why live with a pale imitation?

Officer 'Hoppy' Hopkins:
[Taking Fred's report of the suspected robbery] That is "thievin' honky." How do you spell that, "honky"?

Fred G. Sanford:
Y-T.

Officer 'Hoppy' Hopkins:
Y... [puzzled] Y-T?

Fred G. Sanford:
Yeah. Say it again: Y-T, Y-T.

Officer 'Hoppy' Hopkins:
Y-T, Y-T...

Fred G. Sanford:
Whitey!

Fred G. Sanford:
I'm cookin' my science-fiction special.

Lamont Sanford:
What's a "science-fiction special"?

Fred G. Sanford:
[Holding up a shriveled link on a fork] The Incredible Shrinking Sausage!

Lamont Sanford:
Pop, if I did what you're asking' me I wouldn't be able to look myself in the face.

Fred G. Sanford:
You wouldn't be missin' nothin'.

Aunt Esther Anderson:
[Fred gives her lipstick] I ain't wearin' this - this is the devil's paint!

Fred G. Sanford:
Now, Esther, you gotta choice. Either you put this paint on, or I put a headlight in your nose and drive you through the Earl Scheib.

Lamont Sanford:
[Demanding an explanation for the horse in the kitchen] Pop, I want an answer!

Fred G. Sanford:
Well, that's simple.

Lamont Sanford:
I don't want a lie.

Fred G. Sanford:
That makes it harder.

Fred G. Sanford:
[Explaining to Grady what a gelding is] He's fixed; he can't have no babies.

Grady Wilson:
Why not?

Fred G. Sanford:
Because he had a horseterectomy.

Lamont Sanford:
You put my blanket on a horse?

Fred G. Sanford:
You can get it back tonight.

Lamont Sanford:
Well, what about the smell?

Fred G. Sanford:
He didn't seem to mind it.

Fred G. Sanford:
[after Lamont tells Fred he should make their guest feel at home] Rollo, feel at home.

Rollo Larson:
I do.

Fred G. Sanford:
Well, would you do me a favor?

Rollo Larson:
Certainly.

Fred G. Sanford:
Would you take the garbage out?

Rollo Larson:
Of course. Where is it?

Fred G. Sanford:
In your shoes.

Fred G. Sanford:
[to the friendly drunk driving instructor in jail with him] Hey, why don't you go back over there? Your breath smells like you been drinking Tidy Bowl.

Bubba Bexley:
There's only one way to make a Bloody Mary: one bottle of vodka and one bottle of ketchup.

Grady Wilson:
[Grady, Lamont and Herman stand in the living room. Grady asks Lamont] How come he went to prison?

Lamont Sanford:
Because of circumstantial evidence! He just happened to be at the scene of a crime.

Grady Wilson:
[Turning to Herman] Oh, you "just happened to be at the scene of a crime"? What were you doing there?

Herman:
Committing it.

Lamont Sanford:
[Defending Herman to Grady] He's not a "jailbird." He's got a name.

Grady Wilson:
Oh, yeah? Spell it for me - number by number.

Officer 'Smitty' Smith:
[Coming into the house where Grady and Herman are listening to the fight on the radio] We figured you had the fight on. Mind if we listen?

Officer 'Hoppy' Hopkins:
Yeah. Terrible reception in the squad car. Kept picking up police calls.

Fred G. Sanford:
[Staggering from a heart attack] Ohh, this is a big one! Ya hear that, Elizabeth? I'm comin' to join ya with a fifth of flapple in my hand!

Fred G. Sanford:
[to Lamont] I hate to see you take advantage of people. This is Sanford and Son, not Shakedown and Son.

Emile Bonnet:
[after offending Fred] I'm sorry. I didn't mean to laugh at you, but your son did make a funny.

Fred G. Sanford:
Yeah, he's a regular 'Jerk' Benny.

Emile Bonnet:
Buon giorno, Mr. Sanford!

Fred G. Sanford:
Yeah, bum journey to you too!

Fred G. Sanford:
You see, son, always remember what the Bible says: "He that liveth by the sword shall be stucketh."

Fred G. Sanford:
When it's supper time it's supper time when it's something else time it's something else time!

Lamont Sanford:
You know the number Bonnet gave me it was to a McDonald's hamburger place.

Fred G. Sanford:
The question is where is Mr.Bonnet? Maybe you should call McDonald's in Rome.

Fred G. Sanford:
I like my coffee like I like my women: sweet, hot, and... without cream.

Fred G. Sanford:
[after Lamont refused to give him money] You're cheaper than chitlins were in 1932!

Fred G. Sanford:
Oh!Oh! This is the big one! I'm comin', Elizabeth! But shut your eyes! It's a nudie rap!

Aunt Esther Anderson:
[to Fred who's in a jail cell] You just keep on suckin' on that sucker, sucker!

Lamont Sanford:
Sit down, Pop, because I have a surprise for you.

Fred G. Sanford:
Don't tell me your Aunt Esther had her face paved?

Fred G. Sanford:
[Holding four tickets to "The Gong Show"] Now, who should I ask?

Lamont Sanford:
Well, besides me, you could ask Aunt Esther.

Fred G. Sanford:
Esther? This is the GONG Show, not the GOON Show!

Fred G. Sanford:
Your Aunt Esther, the Hunchface of Notre Dame.

Fred G. Sanford:
[to Ah Chew, who is preparing dinner] Who are you supposed to be, the Kamikaze Gourmet?

Fred G. Sanford:
See, I know, I admit that I've been prejudiced, but now my eyes are opened. That's more than I can say for the Japanese.

Fred G. Sanford:
[Lamont is dating Alice, whom might be his sister due to Juanita telling Fred that Alice is his daughter] Over a hundred million women in this country and the dummy had to fall in love with his sister!

Lamont Sanford:
Hey, I dance myself.

Alice:
Do you really?

Lamont Sanford:
Yeah, I can do the Robot, the Good Foot, the Booty Bump, the Crutch and the Hip.

Fred G. Sanford:
That don't sound like no dance; that sounds like a serious accident.

Fred G. Sanford:
If I was to marry Juanita, and you was to marry Alice, Juanita would be my wife, your step-mother and mother-in-law, and Alice would be my daughter and step-daughter. Now that's just too damn much family in this little house!

Aunt Esther Anderson:
I'm tellin' ya, the man is obviously senile! Up there with that woman! Messin' around!

Rollo Larson:
I don't know, Esther, if you gotta go senile that's the way to go.

Helga:
Listen, buddy. It's been a long, hard war. And I've fought from the sands of Iwo Jima to the shores of Tripoli. And the last thing in the world I need is an olive-drab dingaling who every time he opens his mouth his tongue bayonets his brain!

Colonel Hiakowa:
[to his prisoner Fred] All I want to know is when you are going to blow up the bridge over the river Kwai.

Fred G. Sanford:
River Kwai? I never heard of it.

Colonel Hiakowa:
You mean to tell me you never heard that famous song, "Kwai Me a River"?

Fred G. Sanford:
[to Nazi Commander] Listen, you Nazi knockwurst, if you want to live with the master race, move to Watts!

Fred G. Sanford:
Hello, son. Roger and I were just having a little talk.

Lamont Sanford:
Yeah, I heard all about it, "Major." Cyanide capsules, truth drugs. I'm surprised Roger wasn't hurt.

Fred G. Sanford:
Hurt?

Lamont Sanford:
Hit by flying bull.

Fred G. Sanford:
Uh, soldier?

Soldier:
Yeeesssss?

Fred G. Sanford:
You're a killer?

Soldier:
No, I got these notches on my knife from spreading crunchy peanut butter.

Fred G. Sanford:
You, watch you mouth! See, I go a black belt in karate, a green belt in judo, and a red belt in kung fu.

Soldier:
[Points to Fred's gut]... And a pot at the end of the rainbow!

Bubba Bexley:
The characters on that show are a lot like you. There's the mean grouchy old father.

Fred G. Sanford:
Wait a minute...

Bubba Bexley:
The Dumb son.

Lamont Sanford:
Hey Bubba?

Bubba Bexley:
The Ugly Sister-in-Law.

Aunt Esther Anderson:
Watch it sucka!

Bubba Bexley:
And the stupid bungling friend. [Looks at Grady]

Grady Wilson:
[Sarcasticly] Your too hard on yourself Bubba!

Steinberg:
[Clutching onto chest] You hear that Naomi darling? It's all my fault. I should of had a heart attack after Murray graduated High School.

Aunt Ethel:
I'm sorry what's the line?

Aunt Esther Anderson:
Fish Eyed Fool!

Steinberg:
Hello, Gabey! Whaddaya want?

Gabey:
What do I want? Tonight's the night we watch the monster movies. It's a double feature: "Godzilla Comes Home for Passover" and "Gort Gets Bar Mitzvahed."

Television Announcer:
And now for the premiere of a brand-new comedy about today's teenagers: "All in the Family Way"!

Fred G. Sanford:
[Thinking up premises for new television series] And here's the topper. I mean, here's the one that's sure to sell. It's about a family of pioneer plumbers.

Lamont Sanford:
I'm afraid to ask what it's called.

Fred G. Sanford:
It's called, "Little Outhouses on the Prairie."

Fred G. Sanford:
[to the scowling Aunt Esther] You came in first in the King Kong look-alike contest.

Lamont Sanford:
[Examining the contents of Fred's pocket after he set off the airport metal detector] A crucifix? A St. Christopher's medal? A Star of David? A Crescent of Islam? And a Buddha?

Fred G. Sanford:
[Bringing up his hand] And a mojo.

Lamont Sanford:
[Exasperated] What do you need all these things for?

Fred G. Sanford:
Flight insurance. Y'see, down here on the ground I'm a Baptist, but up there I ain't takin' no chances.

Lamont Sanford:
[In response to Fred's insulting remarks about Uncle Leotis] C'mon, Pop, show some respect. The man just died.

Fred G. Sanford:
One less ugly person in the world! And he was ugly. He looked like a fried monkey in the face. Had an old peanut-shaped head; every time it rained it had a big puddle of water in the middle of it.

Fred G. Sanford:
[In response to Mr. Menton's asking Fred if he enjoyed the flight] It was all right, but I spent most of the time in the toilet.

Mr. Menton:
Oh, were you ill?

Fred G. Sanford:
Uh, no. I just got done and I was on my way out and the sign flashed on saying,"return to seat," so I sat back down.

Fred G. Sanford:
[Citing the benefits of marrying a nurse] If I need anything from the surgical supply store, she can get it for me at a discount.

Lamont Sanford:
How romantic! I can see the two of y'all shopping for your honeymoon, buying rubber stockings and orthopaedic shoes.

Donna Harris:
I should've realized you had the manners of a common junkman!

Fred G. Sanford:
I should've realized that you aren't over the hill, you down in the valley! You not Leo the Lion, you Donna the barracuda!

Fred G. Sanford:
[to Aunt Esther] Listen, for years people goin' around saying, "Black is beautiful." They took one look at your family and said, "Hold everything!"

Aunt Esther Anderson:
[to a fightin'-mad Fred] And if you lay one hand on me I'll unscrew your arm from your shoulder and beat your brains out."

Bubba Bexley:
[Bubba staggers in and explains why he's coming to Fred's party already drunk] I was celebrating the election results. I was celebratin' McGovern's getting elected.

Fred G. Sanford:
What's wrong with you, Bubba? Don't you know that Nixon got re-elected?

Bubba Bexley:
Nixon? Oh, now I'm really gonna have to get drunk.

Bubba Bexley:
I want my Daddy's records.

Fred G. Sanford:
What are you doing, Bubba?

Bubba Bexley:
I'm just practicing, in case you want to get them back from this place too.

Fred G. Sanford:
Wait a minute, Bubba! Don't sit down there!

Bubba Bexley:
What's wrong now?

Fred G. Sanford:
Man, you about sat on the last Blind Mellow Jelly Album on the whole West Coast!

Bubba Bexley:
Boy, I'm sure glad you stopped me, Fred.

Fred G. Sanford:
Yeah, if you'd have sat on that record your name would've been Mudd! [Sits down, a loud crack is heard. Fred looks sick]

Lamont Sanford:
Bubba, I'd like you to meet my father, Mr. Mudd.

Fred G. Sanford:
[Hearing wild animal sounds, Fred begins his boxing routine] Come on out! I'll float like a butterfly, sting like a bee / Nobody out in the forest meaner than me / Come on elephants, tigers and gorillas / I'll whip a hundred Godzillas!

Lamont Sanford:
Now give me a match so I can start a fire.

Fred G. Sanford:
You don't need no matches to start no fire. All you need to do is rub two pieces of wood together. Now go over there and rub your head upside the tree.

Fred G. Sanford:
I always believe by going by what it says in the Bible.

Lamont Sanford:
What?

Fred G. Sanford:
Deal unto others as they have dealt unto you.

Lamont Sanford:
I'll go to a movie or somethin'.

Fred G. Sanford:
There's a good one down at the Rialto. You oughtta go down there and see it. I think it's about a revolt in an old age home.

Lamont Sanford:
Now that sounds hip. What's it called?

Fred G. Sanford:
Caine Mutiny.

Aunt Esther Anderson:
Now what do I do every year about this time?

Fred G. Sanford:
Shed your skin?

Aunt Esther Anderson:
No. I round up talent for my church show.

Fred G. Sanford:
And that's where you belong - in a round-up.

Fred G. Sanford:
[Addressing the salesman in a magic trick store] Maybe you can help me?

Salesman:
I doubt it. We deal in tricks, not in miracles.

Fred G. Sanford:
Uh, well, then you just the man I wanna see. See, somebody played a very dirty trick on me.

Salesman:
I can see. Mother Nature.

Grady Wilson:
[Serving supper to the Sanfords] We'll start the evening off with my famous Russian cocktail. Vodka and prune juice.

Lamont Sanford:
[Spits out drink] Vodka and prune juice?

Grady Wilson:
Yeah, yeah. I call that my Trotsky.

Lamont Sanford:
Why don't you each take an ear of corn and start at opposite ends?

Aunt Esther Anderson:
I'd like some butter on my end.

Fred G. Sanford:
What'cha want on the corn?

Elroy:
Godzilla and George Foreman.

Fred G. Sanford:
Now that would be a fight.

Elroy:
Godzilla would knock him out.

Fred G. Sanford:
No way. George would win blindfolded.

Elroy:
Oh, yeah? How about King Kong?

Fred G. Sanford:
Blindfolded!

Elroy:
Esther?

Fred G. Sanford:
[Wincing] The only way he could beat Esther is blindfolded.

Lamont Sanford:
[Fred enters the rehearsal in flamboyant director's outfit, beret, sunglasses, etc] I don't believe it.

Fred G. Sanford:
Believe it, son. It's the Otto Preminger look.

Lamont Sanford:
[Looking through a photo album] Is that Cousin Grady?

Fred G. Sanford:
No, that's your Uncle Toot. See, Uncle Toot was a chef on the Titanic, but he never got a chance to cook nothin'.

Betty Jean:
[Describing her Weight Watchers meetings] We talk about what we didn't eat.

Fred G. Sanford:
I bet that's a short conversation.

Fred G. Sanford:
[In the kitchen discussing Betty Jean] That's a big girl, ain't it, son?

Lamont Sanford:
And she say she lost 40 pounds.

Fred G. Sanford:
If she look behind her, she'll find it.

Fred G. Sanford:
Now, that wasn't so bad, was it?

Lamont Sanford:
No, it certainly wasn't, considering this is the first time Janet's been over here for a meal catered by Melvin's Menudo Manor.

Janet Lawson:
I never thought I'd like soul enchiladas.

Rollo Larson:
[to jewelry store clerk] Hey, look here, I'm gonna give it to you straight. We'd like to see the cheapest thing you have in a ring.

Salesperson:
How about two tickets to the bullfights?

Rollo Larson:
Hey, man, you tryin' to get smart?

Salesperson:
Oh, nooo, then you and I would have nothing in common.

Salesperson:
[Showing Lamont the store's most inexpensive ring] This ring is $75. It shines in the dark, decodes secret messages and is already engraved. If you want to give it to Marcia, your name is Skippy!

Fred G. Sanford:
I can see it now, old man living here in California with nothing to do but sit on the back porch and drink orange juice with Bing Crosby and his family.

Lamont Sanford:
[Lamont and Rollo are looking for dates, Rollo flipping through his little black book] Hey, man, what about Dimples and Leigh?

Rollo Larson:
Dimples and Leigh? The gruesome twosome? You is a fool. We ain't that hard up... Hey, I wonder if I still got their numbers.

Lamont Sanford:
Look under DT for "desperation time."

Rollo Larson:
No, here it is, under LR for "last resort."

Aunt Esther Anderson:
[Asking about Fred's fiancee] And what did you say her name was?

Lamont Sanford:
Donna.

Aunt Esther Anderson:
Donna?

Lamont Sanford:
Yeah, Donna. It means "lady."

Aunt Esther Anderson:
Is that so? I once had a dog named Lady.

Lamont Sanford:
[after telling Fred his in-laws are coming to the wedding] Look, Pop, will you stop worrying? They're not gonna be here that long.

Fred G. Sanford:
That's what the Indians said when they first saw the white man comin'.

Donna Harris:
[Running from the kitchen, across the living room and out the door] Get out of my way!

Aunt Esther Anderson:
[Running in hot pursuit, stopped by Fred] Let me at her! Turn me loose! Let me at her! Let me at her! Let me at her! Her be-HIND is MINE!

Fred G. Sanford:
And you knew it, you planned it.

Lamont Sanford:
Wait a minute pop now don't jump to no conclusions.

Fred G. Sanford:
All I'm jumping to is upside your head.

Fred G. Sanford:
[Talking to Rev Tremble] Now look here Reverend you didn't preach no marriage but stick around you can preach the funeral!

Fred G. Sanford:
[talking to Donna on the phone] I'll tell you what I'd like to do with that cake I'd like to shove it down Lamont's throat

Fred G. Sanford:
[Lamont sneaks in the house and Fred sees him] You know what I said I wanted to do with that cake I'm going to do it

Fred G. Sanford:
Lamont Sanford don't know it yet but he is about to star in a new version of deep throat

Aunt Esther Anderson:
Woodrow you came here with teeth, do you want to leave here with teeth

Fred G. Sanford:
Sanford's the name, escorting is my game.

Mrs. Willis:
You want to be a Gramercy escort?

Fred G. Sanford:
Does President Ford need a personality?

Mrs. Willis:
[to Fred and Elroy] I think I'm running out of time for both of you.

Fred G. Sanford:
Oh, don't worry about that. If you ever need more time, look at a clock - it'll stop.

Mrs. Willis:
[In response to Fred claiming to be a doctor] If you're a doctor then I'm an airline pilot.

Fred G. Sanford:
I can believe that. I can believe that by the excess baggage in your tail section.

Fred G. Sanford:
[Dejected, Fred confides to Lamont] The women who want Don Juan, don juan me.

Fred G. Sanford:
[wearing a snazzy zoot suit] Look, son, do I look like somethin' that stepped outta Esquire?

Lamont Sanford:
No, you look more like something that was kicked out of El Segundo.

Ellie Marshall, Grady's Daughter:
All those university people coming and what's the first thing they're going to see when I open the door? A naked lady with her fingers in her mouth.

Hal Marshall, Grady's Son-In-Law:
Ellie, you're not going to get dressed for the party?

Mr. DeVoord:
[Looking at the painting, a black professor turns to his white wife] It's tasteless. It's the worst combination of colors I've ever seen.

Grady Wilson:
You should be used to that.

Fred G. Sanford:
[shouting through the door to collection agent Hamlin, who is threatening to force his way in] You'll be in a lot of trouble,' cause we gotta lot of friends in washington, D.C.!

Lamont Sanford:
That's right! [Suddenly puzzled, looks at Fred] We have?

Fred G. Sanford:
We must have; it's 80% black.

Fred G. Sanford:
Oh, you can't take my refrigerator! That's where I keep my applejack. There's nothing in the world worse than warm applejack and no TV.

Bubba Bexley:
Hey, that Western Union guy sounded pretty upset.

Fred G. Sanford:
What did he say?

Bubba Bexley:
He said it stopped raining in the house, but the drip was still there.

Fred G. Sanford:
[after discovering the diamonds] With all these karats, I may never need glasses again!

Japanese Tourist:
Thank you and sayonara.

Fred G. Sanford:
And Sarah Vaughn.

Lamont Sanford:
I've had this headache for two days, man!

Fred G. Sanford:
Well, listen, son, maybe I can diagnose your case.

Lamont Sanford:
What?

Fred G. Sanford:
I watch Dr. Woodfield on "Death Valley Hospital" all the time, and maybe I can help you.

Lamont Sanford:
Well, go ahead. I'll try anything to get rid of this headache.

Fred G. Sanford:
Alright, then, well, would you get up on the table, miss?

Lamont Sanford:
What are you talking about?

Fred G. Sanford:
Well, you see, Dr. Woodfield is a gynecologist.

Fred G. Sanford:
[to the doctor, after being caught lying to his office by reporting that Lamont is only two years old] What difference does it make how old he is anyway?

Pediatrician:
Oh, it makes quite a difference. I'm a pediatrician.

Fred G. Sanford:
Oh, I'm Methodist myself.

Psychologist:
[Analyzing Fred] Let's try some ink spots.

Fred G. Sanford:
Ink Spots? Sure. [Standing up and breaking into song] "How can I be sure this is love beyond compaaaaaare...?"

Lamont Sanford:
[Addressing his father, who is drunk and singing] You're just full of songs tonight. And what else are you full of, Muscatel?

Fred G. Sanford:
No. We were drinking Muscatel and Ripple. In fact, I call it Muscatipple.

Fred G. Sanford:
Old folks got plenty of feelings. Just because a prune is wrinkled don't mean it ain't tasty.

Fred G. Sanford:
Well, junk business is like show business. If I got some junk I gotta show it or I'm out the business.

Lamont Sanford:
[after Fred returns from calling a cab at the neighbor's home] Pop, Judy and I are lovers!

Fred G. Sanford:
[Stunned] But, I wasn't gone but five minutes.

Lamont Sanford:
Hey, Pop, if women got all these bad qualities, how come you chase after 'em like you do?

Fred G. Sanford:
Well, son, you know what the Bible says. Woman was made from a rib. I can live without a lot of things, but I can't live without ribs.

Fred G. Sanford:
[to the overweight Jason as they prepare to eat dinner] You're always supposed to wash your hands every time before you eat. And from the looks of you, you should have the cleanest hands in the block.

Fred G. Sanford:
[Offering Jason a drink as they sit down to eat] What about a beer?

Lamont Sanford:
Pop, children do not drink beer.

Fred G. Sanford:
What's wrong with that? It's just got some barley and some grain and stuff in it. Y'know, it's just corn flakes in a can.

Officer 'Hoppy' Hopkins:
[to the nervous Jason] Now don't be scared, sonny, the man in blue is a friend to you.

Fred G. Sanford:
[to Aunt Ethel] Let me tell you something. If you ain't outta here by the time I count to three I'm gonna take this crutch and wrap it around your head so many times you'd think you were wearing a wooden turban!

Lamont Sanford:
Four thousand dollars by Friday or we lose the Sanford Arms.

Fred G. Sanford:
I think it's farewell to Arms.

Dan:
[Playing poker] What you got, Fred?

Fred G. Sanford:
[Laying his cards on the table] Full house. And meet the musical residents: jacks and fives. Get it - Jackson Five?

Fred G. Sanford:
See, I'm on the longest and biggest winning streak of my life. And it's no time to be saving; time to to be streakin'!

Aunt Esther Anderson:
I wouldn't want to see that.

Fred G. Sanford:
[Fred wearing a gorilla suit, standing next to Aunt Esther] Don't we make a nice couple: King Kong and the Bride of Frankenstein?

Fred G. Sanford:
[Taping the television commercial] Hi, I'm Fred. Fly me to Junk City.

Fred G. Sanford:
[to Julio and Lamont] But you do make a beautiful couple: Tweedley-dee and Tweedley-dummy.

Grady Wilson:
[Upon seeing Fred in a neckbrace] Wha, what happened to your neck?

Fred G. Sanford:
I had an accident in a truck.

Grady Wilson:
Ohhh, whiplash. Did they hit ya from behind?

Fred G. Sanford:
No. I was in a drive-in movie and I was tryin' to mess around with Fast Fanny and she hit me from the front. They call that "fistlash."

Grady Wilson:
I've never seen Lamont act like that before. He's so calm, so serene and sweet.

Fred G. Sanford:
I know it. Maybe there was a full moon and he got bit on the neck by the Flying Nun.

Fred G. Sanford:
What's that I smell?

Lamont Sanford:
Oh, that's probably my new cologne you smell, Pop. It's called "Days in Paris."

Fred G. Sanford:
Well, it smell like "Nights in El Segundo."

Lady Customer:
[In the dress shop, a customer holds up a wool dress and turns to Fred] Uh, sir, what would your reaction be to this dress?

Fred G. Sanford:
A rash under my armpits.

Lamont Sanford:
That's why you're you, and I'm me, and that's why I love you. [Kisses Fred on cheek]

Fred G. Sanford:
[Wiping kiss off] I don't play that.

Lamont Sanford:
Look, have you decided on what you're gonna fix next Tuesday night for dinner?

Fred G. Sanford:
Yes, I've decided. I'm gonna fix something new, something borrowed and something blue, because you're bringin' something old.

Fred G. Sanford:
Now, Donna, you have to make a decision. Who do you want: me, who's been faithful to you all these years, or this wino-come-lately?

Grady Wilson:
Well, Fred, don't you want to win Donna back? I mean, after all, faint heart never won fair lady.

Fred G. Sanford:
And stopped heart never did too good either.

Fred G. Sanford:
It's time now that someone took that loudmouth Lou down a few pegs. When I get through with him, his hide's gonna be hurtin', his shot's gonna be put, and his broad's gonna be jumped.

Donna Harris:
Fred!

Fred G. Sanford:
[to an elderly woman in a doctor's waiting room] Say, Miss, I might be able to save you a little money on this appointment that you got. You know what's wrong with you? You got poor circulation, that's what's wrong. If you'd take that girdle off, your hair wouldn't turn blue.

Fred G. Sanford:
[Threatening Lamont with both fists] See these? I'm donating ten to the March of Dummies.

Fred G. Sanford:
[Fred enters and stands between Ah Chew and Aunt Esther] My two favorite diseases in the same room: yellow jaundice and the Black Plague.

Fred G. Sanford:
[Upon seeing Aunt Esther] There must be some mistake, 'cause this isn't my Lena - it's somebody's hyena!

Fred G. Sanford:
Rollo ain't no uptown dude; he's a downtown dud!

Lamont Sanford:
[Opens the door for Rollo, who is wearing a snazzy suit] Hey, Rollo! I see you got yourself a few new threads.

Rollo Larson:
No, baby, this is the whole spool!

Lamont Sanford:
What war were you ever in?

Fred G. Sanford:
World War II. I never got over it. Staggering, staggering under that 40-pound pack.

Lamont Sanford:
Now you know you never left Fort Dix, New Jersey, and the only pack that made you stagger was a six-pack!

Fred G. Sanford:
See, his guests don't have to worry about where they're gonna lean or where they gonna sit or walk on the carpet. They just fly around the room.

Fred G. Sanford:
You know what the Puerto Rican national anthem is? "We'll take Manhattan, the Bronx, and Staten Island, too..."

Lamont Sanford:
Now Julio's a nice guy. He don't want no trouble.

Fred G. Sanford:
Julio? That his name.

Lamont Sanford:
That's right. Julio Fuentes.

Fred G. Sanford:
Julio Fuentes. That don't sound like no name, that sound like somethin' you get from drinkin' their water.

Fred G. Sanford:
So you can say adios to your Puerto Rican Marx Brothers: Julio, Chico and Mafungo!

Lamont Sanford:
All I know is you're turning against a man because he happens to be from another country. Now how would you like it if the next door turned against people from Africa?

Fred G. Sanford:
I don't care, long as he don't turn against people from St. Louis.

Fred Sanford:
The last time I was in lover's lane was in St. Louis years ago. Just the three of us.

Donna Harris:
The three of you?

Fred Sanford:
Yeah. Me and the girl and the guy that mugged us.

Melvin:
They really know how to make the horror movies, those Japanese. You know all those Godzilla movies? They was made in Japan.

Lamont Sanford:
I know that, Melvin. I ain't exactly stupid, y'know.

Melvin:
You know, I wish they'd do a Godzilla movie with a black man, don't you?

Lamont Sanford:
What about your age, Pop? Now, who gets married at 65?

Fred Sanford:
You better read your Bible. Abraham got married when he was over 100, had six kids.

Lamont Sanford:
Yeah, Abraham had some help from the Lord.

Fred Sanford:
Well, I don't intend to have no six children, so I won't need as much help.

Fred G. Sanford:
Upon this junk I shall build my church!

Fred G. Sanford:
Now, when you come to my services, I'll save you a front seat.

Walter:
Well, that's very nice of you, Mr. Sanford, but I'm of a different sect.

Fred G. Sanford:
That's the trouble with the world today - too much sects.

Fred G. Sanford:
[singing to the tune of "Bringing in the Sheaves"] Counting up the dough / Counting up the dough / We shall come rejoicing / Counting up the dough!

Uncle Woodrow 'Woody' Anderson:
Say, listen, what kind of wine you gonna serve at the services?

Fred G. Sanford:
Well, we have to keep the expenses down, so we'll serve fermented Kool Aid. And after the services, we'll open the cash bar for the Hallelujah Hour.

Fred G. Sanford:
[Piously admonishing Woodrow and Bubba] Remember, an idle mind is the devil's workshop.

Bishop Lovelace:
Well, put, Reverend. I'm glad to see a man who uses the Proverbs.

Fred G. Sanford:
Oh, sure. Proverbs, pronouns, adjectives, adverbs, I use 'em all.

Lamont Sanford:
Where have you been?

Fred G. Sanford:
[Piously] I've been in the chapel, meditating.

Lamont Sanford:
We thought you fell in and baptized yourself.

Aunt Esther Anderson:
[Taking the prostitute by the arm] I'm takin' you to the Reverend Ike while there's still time to save your soul.

Fred G. Sanford:
Now, you can save her soul, but save the rest for me.

Mrs. Hopkins:
[Looking around the Sanfords' home] Howard, why aren't you making out a report?

Officer 'Hoppy' Hopkins:
Report, Mom?

Mrs. Hopkins:
Obviously this place has been ransacked!

Howard Goldstein:
[Watching "Let's Make a Deal" on television where a contestant picked the losing door] Lady's just stupid.

Howard Goldstein:
wait a minute, Fred. Why do you say that?

Fred G. Sanford:
Well, how many smart people do you know be dressed like a pizza? and another thing that makes her stupid is she listened to you.

Howard Goldstein:
You're not so smart either. What about yesterday on "Jeopardy" when you told that woman that Sherlock Holmes is a famous housing development?

Lamont Sanford:
[Handing Fred an antique rifle] That's an original Revolutionary War rifle. I picked it up at an auction for fifty bucks.

Fred G. Sanford:
You paid fifty bucks for this?

Lamont Sanford:
Pop, this is an original Revolutionary War rifle. It's called a "Brown Bess."

Fred G. Sanford:
And they sold it to a brown dummy.

Fred G. Sanford:
Who don't know about guns?

Lamont Sanford:
You don't.

Fred G. Sanford:
Are you kiddin'? World War I, Fred B. Sanford...

Lamont Sanford:
"B. Sanford"? What's the "B" for?

Fred G. Sanford:
Bullseye. Machine gunner, World War I. Rifleman. Pistol expert. Now how 'bout that?

Lamont Sanford:
Well, that's not the way I heard it. It was World War II and it was Fred B. Sanford alright, but the "B" wasn't for "Bullseye."

Fred G. Sanford:
How many times you see pictures of Jesus and he's white?

Lamont Sanford:
What about it?

Fred G. Sanford:
That's wrong, too, 'cause you can't hang around Jerusalem no thirty-some years and don't wear no hat and stay white.

Officer 'Hoppy' Hopkins:
You know, that soul food smells like hammer hocks and black-eyed rice.

Fred G. Sanford:
[Excitedly discussing Miss Wallace] And that fantastic body!

Bubba Bexley:
Calm down, Fred, calm down! There's plenty of fish in the sea.

Fred G. Sanford:
Yeah, but Bubba, I'm 68 years old and my hook is beginning to rust.

Lamont Sanford:
What's for breakfast?

Fred G. Sanford:
What would you like?

Lamont Sanford:
Well, I'd like to have some eggs, and some toast and some coffee.

Fred G. Sanford:
Me too. We're havin' Pop Tarts and Tang.

Bubba Bexley:
Say, Lamont told me about the $1,000 reward. What you gonna do with your half?

Fred G. Sanford:
Bubba, I'm gonna be very patriotic.

Bubba Bexley:
You gonna buy savings bonds?

Fred G. Sanford:
I'm gonna spend it like a drunken sailor.

Fred G. Sanford:
[Packing stuffing into the big bird] How does that feel, Jonathan Livingston Turkey?

Mr. Stone:
[to Billy Eckstine as he concludes his song] Nice try, kid, nice try. Wash up and get your money. Forget about singin'.

Rollo Larson:
Hey, Pops, how's it goin'?

Fred G. Sanford:
Oh, it's pretty good, Rollo. Crime outside went down 50 percent.

Rollo Larson:
Why?

Fred G. Sanford:
Because you inside.

Al Banks:
[Catching up with his old friend Fred] Right now I'm living with my daughter and son-in-law in their little old apartment.

Fred G. Sanford:
Sound like a couple of nice kids.

Al Banks:
Oh, yeah, they're nice alright. And they're always giving me presents, like bus tickets for anywhere.

Al Banks:
[Laying down another winning hand] Look what I got! I win again, fellows.

Julio Fuentes:
And I better quit before I lose my accent.

Rollo Larson:
[after admitting Fred's prank fooled them] Nice goin', Pops.

Fred G. Sanford:
I'm not Pops; I'm lolli-Pops, and you're the four all-day suckers.

Julio Fuentes:
Feel better, Mr. Sanford. Hasta Luego!

Fred G. Sanford:
Yeah, and Guy Lombardo to you!

Fred G. Sanford:
We're rich! We can retire!

Lamont Sanford:
Yeah, no more getting up at six o'clock to get that old, stupid truck started by eight!

Fred G. Sanford:
[after Lamont tells him to look at the strange car parked outside] What's strange about it?

Lamont Sanford:
Well, it's been parked in this neighborhood for over five minutes and it's still got tires.

Fred G. Sanford:
[after Lamont tells him to turn off the TV and get some exercise] Exercise?

Lamont Sanford:
That's right, exercise. You know, like push-ups, chin-ups, sit-ups.

Fred G. Sanford:
Why don't you try some shut-ups?

Officer 'Hoppy' Hopkins:
[Stopping by the Sanfords on his dinner break] I know you usually watch The Hollywood Squares about now.

Fred G. Sanford:
Yeah, usually.

Officer 'Hoppy' Hopkins:
Anyway, my idol, the honorable Mr. Jack Webb is making his debut tonight. He'll be sitting on top of Karen Valentine.

Lamont Sanford:
[to Fred] You're an addict, Pop. You're a TV addict, Jack. You got a peacock on your back.

Aunt Esther Anderson:
Watch it, suckah. You're gettin' on my nerve.

Fred G. Sanford:
It would take Muhammad Ali, Rosey Grier, with an assist from King Kong to get me on any part of you!

Aunt Esther Anderson:
We figured if we win the $500, we could put on a Bicentenniel play for the church.

Fred G. Sanford:
Yeah, and you can be the rear end of what Paul Revere was ridin'.

Lamont Sanford:
[Trying to convince Fred of his stubbornness] When's the last time you gave in to somebody?

Fred G. Sanford:
1942. I gave in to your mother. And that was a big mistake.

Lamont Sanford:
Why? What happened?

Fred G. Sanford:
You. You see, Lamont is French for "big mistake."

Lamont Sanford:
[to Fred after he's insulted their Chinese neighbor Ah Chew] What's the matter with you? Ah Chew is our neighbor. Well, you know what it says in the Bible: "Love thy neighbour."

Fred G. Sanford:
Well, the guy who wrote the Bible didn't live in this neighborhood. If he had, he'd have said, "Love thy neighbour, but locketh thy windows." [turning to Ah Chew] Now shove that in your fortune cookie, Choo-Choo!

Aunt Esther Anderson:
[In response to one of Fred's insults] You may think your face is a prize, but it looks just like a Brillo Pad with eyes!

Julio Fuentes:
Mr. Sanford! Buenas dias, huh?

Fred G. Sanford:
And beans and disease to you!

Fred G. Sanford:
You were nice enough to give me a tip about my TV, so I'm gonna give you a tip. You got a lot of equipment on that truck, right?

TV Repairman:
Yeah.

Fred G. Sanford:
Well, here's my tip: get out of this neighborhood before it gets dark.

TV Repairman:
[Chuckling] I don't worry about that. I'm bonded.

Fred G. Sanford:
And that's how they'll find you - bonded and gagged.

Grady Wilson:
You stubborn, bull-headed, old buzzard!

Fred G. Sanford:
Who you callin' old?

Sandra:
[Explaining an abstract sculpture] What you see here before you is, well, what's inside of the artist.

Fred G. Sanford:
Maybe he needed a physic.

Lamont Sanford:
[to Fred, who is building his tower] When I get back here tonight I expect this thing to be finished.

Fred G. Sanford:
Finished? Son, you cannot put a time limit on creativity. Did Mrs. Bell say, "Hurry up, man, and invent the telephone; I gotta call my mother"? Did Mrs. Edison say, "Hurry up, man, will you get that light bulb fixed, 'cause it's getting dark in here"?

Lamont Sanford:
[Beholding Fred's tower] This is an ugly mess that you made here, man.

Fred G. Sanford:
You don't know nothin' about judgin' art. You the only one in kindergarten that flunked Clay.

Fred G. Sanford:
[to the scowling Aunt Esther] Let me tell you somethin', Esther. Every time I see you it makes me wish birth control was retroactive.

Lamont Sanford:
The problem with you Pop is that you're not very broad-minded.

Fred Sanford:
You know I'm broad-minded. Remember the time that white woman come by here taking a census? Didn't I let her use the toilet?

Fred Sanford:
[complaining about Lamont's loaning the truck to Julio] I'm talking about how Puerto Ricans borrow your stuff and then don't bring it back. They borrowed Harlem, remember?

Fred Sanford:
[Trying to convince Lamont not to date Maria] It's wrong. It's just wrong. And it's dangerous.

Lamont Sanford:
Dangerous? Why?

Fred Sanford:
You could be attacked by Sharks.

Lamont Sanford:
What are you talking about?

Fred Sanford:
D'you remember that movie, "West Side Story"? See, the Sharks was a gang of Puerto Ricans and they got that guy for takin' that Maria out. And he was Irish, so you can imagine what's gonna happen to you.

Leroy:
[Upon seeing Fred and Mrs. Fuentes together in the restaurant] Oh, I get it! A little la cucaracha time, huh, Fred?

Lamont Sanford:
Are you sure they were white, Pop?

Fred G. Sanford:
I know they wasn't black, 'cause you can't get no stocking over one of them big naturals.

Fred G. Sanford:
I remember your wedding, Esther. Never forget it. Three ushers were crushed trying to help give you away.

Aunt Esther Anderson:
How would you know, Fred Sanford? You spent the whole night with your face over the punch bowl.

Fred G. Sanford:
Yeah, and when you took your veil off, Woodrow spent the whole night with his face over the toilet bowl.

Aunt Esther Anderson:
You just jealous because you didn't catch my garter.

Fred G. Sanford:
Well, that's because when you threw it, it was so stretched out you lassoed the band.

Aunt Esther Anderson:
Watch it, suckah.

Fred G. Sanford:
And at the time, the band was playing your song. Never forget it. The love theme from "King Kong."

Fred G. Sanford:
[Upon opening the door and impressed by a man in military uniform] I'm Fred G. Sanford, and the "G" stands for Guadalcanal. Wanna see my diary?

John, Janet's Ex-Husband:
Were you a veteran?

Fred G. Sanford:
That's right.

John, Janet's Ex-Husband:
Oh, did you see much action?

Fred G. Sanford:
Only on leave.

Fred G. Sanford:
It's all coming back to me now. I remember crashing into the Pacific in 1942.

John, Janet's Ex-Husband:
You mean a Zero shot you down out of the skies at Iwo Jima?

Fred G. Sanford:
No, a bigot threw me off the pier at El Segundo.

Lamont Sanford:
[annoyed to learn Fred drove to the store to buy coffee] He knows if I don't have a cup of coffee as soon as I get up my hands start to shake and my eyes get all blurry.

Bubba Bexley:
You know, that's funny. The same thing happens to me after I drink your father's coffee.

Fred G. Sanford:
Did you ever try cruising through Beverly Hills?

Lamont Sanford:
No, but I can if I want to.

Fred G. Sanford:
Well, you do that, and you'll come away feeling like a cheap watch.

Lamont Sanford:
And just what is that supposed to mean?

Fred G. Sanford:
It means you'll be stopped every few seconds.

Fred G. Sanford:
[after Lamont calls Fred a phony] I'm not fakin'! I really got a pain in the neck.

Lamont Sanford:
You have, huh?

Fred G. Sanford:
Yeah, and the more I talk to you it moves downward.

Lamont Sanford:
[skeptical of the smoking, coughing wreck of a man] And you're a doctor?

Dr. Caldwell:
In some states.

Fred G. Sanford:
You don't believe nothin'. Even when you was a kid, you didn't even believe in Santa Claus.

Lamont Sanford:
Well, you were the one that was responsible for that.

Fred G. Sanford:
Who, me?

Lamont Sanford:
Yes, you. You told me there was no Santa Claus.

Fred G. Sanford:
I ain't told you there was no Santa Claus. I said wouldn't no white man be coming 'round in our neighborhood wearing no red velvet suit at 12 o'clock.

Betty:
[Grady, Lamont, Hoppy and Smitty stand in the living room with a drunk Betty looking them over, then addressing Officer Smitty] Well, if you're not Fred Sanford, and neither one of them is Fred sanford, [turns to Officer Hoppy] that leaves you. You're Fred Sanford [comes over and hugs the startled policeman] .

Officer 'Hoppy' Hopkins:
Oh, no, no, madam! I'm - she thinks I'm Fr - I'm of the Caucasian persuasion!

Fred G. Sanford:
[Discussing his new outlook on life] Fun, fun, fun, son. Bring on the wine, women and the song.

Lamont Sanford:
Pop, at your age you can't afford to do that.

Fred G. Sanford:
Why not?

Lamont Sanford:
Because if you have too much wine and women, the song is gonna be "Nearer My God To Thee."

Lamont Sanford:
[Looking incredulously at his father's loud outfit] What have you got on?

Fred G. Sanford:
It's a Super Fly suit. What's it look like?

Lamont Sanford:
It looks like you got on a floral arrangement from Junior Cooper's funeral.

Fred Sanford:
Telling Esther there's no God is like telling Jimmy Carter there's no more toothpaste.

Big dummy, fish-eyed food

Old folks home resident:
how about a nice game of shuffleboard? Fred sandford: how would you like one across your lip?