Sarah Silverman: Jesus Is Magic

Sarah Silverman:
[singing a love song] I love you more than bears love honey. / I love you more than Jews love money. / I love you more than Asians are good at math. / I love you even if it's not hip. / I love you more than black people don't tip. / I love you more than Puerto Ricans need baths. / I love you more than girls love dolls. / I love you more than dogs love balls. / I love you more than the white stuff in a zit. / I love you like Gary Busey. / I love you more than dykes love p*ssy. / I love you more than my after-show monster bong hit...

Sarah Silverman:
Strippers should be role-models for little girls. If only for the fact that they wax their a**holes.

Sarah Silverman:
When God gives you AIDS - and God does give you AIDS, by the way - make lemonAIDS.

Sarah Silverman:
I was raped by a doctor.

[pause]

Sarah Silverman:
Which is, you know, so bittersweet for a Jewish girl.

Sarah Silverman:
I was licking jelly off of my boyfriend's penis and all of a sudden I'm thinking, "Oh My God, I'm turning into my mother!"

Sarah Silverman:
I'm working on an open letter and it goes like this. Guess what, Martin Luther King, I had a f***in' dream, too! I had a dream that I was in my living room. It wasn't my living room but it was, like, playing my living room in the dream. And I walked through to the backyard and there's a pool and as I'm diving in, there's a shark coming up from the water... with braces! So maybe you're not so f***ing special! Martin Loser King! Yeah, I wanna be the first comic ever to sh*t on Martin Luther King because people only talk about the good things. They don't mention he was a litterbug. He would roll up all the windows and lock them and fart in the car with the heat up while his family suffered... and he would laugh.

Sarah Silverman:
The best time to have a baby is when you're a black teenager.

Sarah Silverman:
I don't care if you think I'm racist. I just want you to think I'm thin.

Sarah Silverman:
[after making out with her reflection in the mirror, to herself] You're a star. And I'm a star-f***er.

Sarah Silverman:
You know who has a tiny vagina? Barbie. Not Klaus Barbie, the infamous Nazi.

Sarah Silverman:
[about her half-black boyfriend] I gave him a compliment! All right, I told him he probably would've made, like, a really expensive slave in the, like, in the olden-timey days.

Sarah Silverman:
There are only two Asian people that I know that I have any problem with at all. One is, uh, Guy Aioki. The other is my friend Steve who actually went pee-pee in my Coke. He's all, "Me Chinese, me play joke!" Uh, if you have to explain it, Steve, it's not funny!

Sarah Silverman:
[talking about her niece] She called me up and she's like, "Aunt Sarah, did you know that Hitler killed sixty million Jews." And I corrected her and I said, "You know, I think he's responsible for killing six million Jews." And she said, "Oh yeah! Six million! I knew that but seriously, I mean, what's the difference?" "Uh, the difference is sixty million is unforgivable, young lady!"

Sarah Silverman:
[on anal sex] He's, like, trying to sell me on it being "natural". I'm like, "Um, first of all - doody comes out of there, ok? And second of all - f***ing doody comes out of there." I don't need two reasons when doody's involved.

Sarah Silverman:
I can't wait till Sunday, I'm gonna see my favorite niece and my other niece...

Sarah Silverman:
Who cares? Different religions. You know. I mean, I guess the only time it's an issue, I suppose, would be like if you're having a baby, you gotta figure out how you want to raise your baby or whatever, which wouldn't even, still not be an issue for us. Because we'd be honest, you know, and just say, you know, like, "Mommy is one of the Chosen People, and, and Daddy believes that Jesus is magic."

Sarah Silverman:
Jesus is magic, you know, 'cause he turned water to wine. And, um, he, um, I think he made the Statue of Liberty disappear in the 80s or something.

Sarah Silverman:
Everybody blames the Jews for killing Christ, and the Jews try to pass it off on the Romans. I'm one of the few people who believes it was the blacks.

Sarah Silverman:
She was 96, so obviously I suspect foul play. And I am spending my own money, and I am getting her body exhumed. And I am going to get a full rape exam performed. And I am going to get to the bottom of this. And my parents are not behind me! What else is new? They never are. They don't believe in me. So, they're wrong this time. It sucks for them. Oh God, please let them find semen in my dead grandmother's vagina.

[first lines]

[Sarah Silverman is visiting her friends, who are boasting about their latest creative achievements]

Friend:
So then I said, "Shut up, you stupid twat."

Friend:
[petting her dog] Oh, my God.

Friend:
I know. And then I'm like, Oh, f***, what did I just do? But then the audience loved it! They went nuts, and she looked like an idiot. Like, they were all like, "She is a stupid twat that should shut up!"

Friend:
That's awesome.

Friend:
So it felt really good. So that's on the record.

Friend:
You'll sell, like, so many more copies because you called someone a stupid twat on it.

Friend:
[laughing] Who knows? I'm just glad I have a record out finally.

Friend:
Oh, that's so good! So good.

Friend:
Rob Zombie's producing it. It's crazy.

Friend:
Wow!

[We get our first close-up of Sarah:
smiling, interested, but uneasy; exactly the expression of someone who is jealous because she has no news of her own]

[Continuing the opening scene]

Friend:
What's going on with you? What about that pilot?

Friend:
I got it!

Friend:
Awesome.

Friend:
I know. We're waiting to hear if it gets picked up, but it looks really good. They really like it. It's so much fun.

Sarah Silverman:
Awesome. That's so great.

[In classic passive-aggressive body language, Sarah is shaking her head "no" while her mouth is saying "great."]

Friend:
And Deckie was in it! Because I brought him to the table read and they needed a dog for one scene, and they were like, "He's perfect."

Friend:
He is perfect.

Friend:
[baby-talking to her dog] Yes he is! [addressing her friends again] And then I sold that script to Comedy Central.

Friend:
Oh, the sports thing!

Friend:
The sports show, of all things, I know. I don't even know anything about sports, but, you know. A great concept, I guess.

[Sarah is looking elsewhere, embarrassed]

Friend:
[half polite, half bored] What about, uh, what about you? What's going on? We haven't seen you in a while.

Sarah Silverman:
Umm.

[She exhales heavily]

Sarah Silverman:
So much.

Friend:
Wow, really?

Sarah Silverman:
Yeah, I'm, I'm doing a lot, so.

[Sarah lolls her tongue out, as if in exhaustion]

Friend:
You've been getting out a lot?

[Sarah is clearly making this up on the spot]

Sarah Silverman:
I'm, um, actually, I wrote a show.

[They are astounded]

[Continuing the opening scene]

Sarah Silverman:
I'm, um, actually, I wrote a show.

Friend:
Oh, wow, cool! Are you shopping it around, or...

Sarah Silverman:
Um, no, it's...

Friend:
We could probably help you...

[Laura walks her fingers in the air to suggest shopping the property around]

Sarah Silverman:
No, it's doing it! I mean, it's...

Friend:
It's...?

Friend:
What do you mean?

Sarah Silverman:
I mean it's gonna be... ON. It's a show.

Friend:
On TV?

Sarah Silverman:
No! But it's, actually, it's a, um, it's like a play-slash-movie.

Friend:
Cool.

Friend:
Like in a theater. Like, yeah.

[Sarah's expression suggests that she cannot quite believe she is fooling them]

Sarah Silverman:
Yeah!

Friend:
That sounds amazing. What is it? What is it about? Are you, like, the star of it? What is it?

[Sarah has to think quickly]

Sarah Silverman:
It's about, um, the Holocaust.

[She looks contrite]

Friend:
Ooh.

Friend:
Wow.

Sarah Silverman:
Yeah. And, and, AIDS. Kind of a...

Friend:
AIDS and the Holocaust?

Sarah Silverman:
But it's funny! And it's also, it's a, um, musical!

[At her friends' home, Sarah has just lied and told her friends that she will be performing a musical show about the Holocaust and AIDS]

Friend:
Oh, my God, that sounds exhausting.

[Sarah lolls her tongue out in fake exhaustion again]

Sarah Silverman:
I know! It's a real opus, you know?

Friend:
When are you doing it?

Sarah Silverman:
Um - you know what? Tonight. And it's actually tonight, so...

[She stands, and her friends look shocked]

Sarah Silverman:
...I'd better skedaddle.

Friend:
Right now?

Sarah Silverman:
Yeah. I've got a bunch of stuff to do, pre, uh, pre-pro.

Friend:
But could we come see it?

Friend:
Yeah!

Friend:
I want to see it!

Sarah Silverman:
Ah, sh*t! It's sold out! It's totally sold out. Every seat. I know! It sucks.

Friend:
What if we just hang backstage and watch from the wings or something?

Friend:
Yeah. Can't we just... be backstage?

[Sarah tries to hide her look of terror]

Sarah Silverman:
Ummm.

Friend:
We could just stand by the curtains. We'll be quiet.

Sarah Silverman:
I can't... think... why not. Umm...

Friend:
So, what, will you let us know?

Sarah Silverman:
Yeah, sure, definitely! I'm psyched, I'm totally psyched! Um, so I'll see you guys tonight!

[Sarah extricates herself from the awkward situation with her friends, marches down to her car, and begins to sing:
]

Sarah Silverman:
There I go again with my big mouth. / Spouting off like I got something going / I wrote a show - and it's playing tonight? / I'm so full of sh*t, man, what was I thinking? / I gotta write a show but how'm I gonna do a show / When I don't even have a show to write! / I never wrote a show / But if I ever wrote a show / I bet that all of them would know / And think it bites! / Do you know what? F*** them. / I could write a show. / I could write a show. / I'll just, I'll just do it. / I'll write a show. / All it takes is elbow-grease, and I could write a show / I'll write a show tonight / I hope I do it right. / I could take this mixed-up world and put it in a show. / I'll write a show, all right. / And have it by tonight. / All I need is a theater space / And a bag of weed / And a star. / A star! Great! Good job, Sarah, I'm writing a whole show for tonight; I don't even have a star! / Who's gonna be my star? / She's gotta be pretty and she's gotta be smart / She's gotta be funny and she's gotta be hot! / She's gotta have a perfect smile just like me / I just need a star, but who could it be?

[a band suddenly appears and sings, "Julia Roberts"?]

Sarah Silverman:
Mm, nah.

[the band sings, "Nicole Kidman"?]

Sarah Silverman:
Are you kiddin', man?

[the band sings, "Sandra Bullock"?]

Sarah Silverman:
[mockingly] Sandra Bullock?

Sarah Silverman:
[singing again] She's gotta be the kind of girl that just blows your mind / She ought to be better than those three twats combined! / She's gotta have a thing that you just can't define. / Whoa! Me. It's me. You're beautiful. [She starts to kiss her image in the mirror, then stops] No. Not like this. All right. I'll do it. / I got what it takes, got what it needs / I'm what a show needs! / I, I'll show 'em all, / Little ol' me, I'm what the world needs! / Hear the train comin', it's comin' for me / I'm goin' to Star Town! / The train's comin', it's comin' for me / I'm gonna be a star now!

Sarah Silverman:
I don't want to be labeled as straight or labeled as gay, you know? I just want people to look at me and see me. You know? As white.

Sarah Silverman:
I do talk a little bit about race, and the important thing, it's like: If I based my material on stereotypes, that would be messed up. It would. But I don't. Okay? I base it on facts. FACT: The S.A.T. test, the test that basically decides whether you go to college or not, is culturally biased towards Caucasians. That's a fact. Okay? I heard that somewhere.

[the audience laughs]

Sarah Silverman:
FACT: In the year 2004, women still get paid 70 cents to every dollar a man gets paid, and that's a fact. Okay. FACT: Every thirty seconds in this country, a person of color jumps up and down and waves their arms behind a news reporter.

[the show is over, and Sarah retreats to her room backstage. She eats a grape from the lavish spread - fruits, cakes, and other nice things - that the producers have laid out for her. She is just relaxing when a knock comes at the door. Her friends from the beginning of the movie burst in, all smiles]

Friend:
Hi! Oh my God, you were so great!

Sarah Silverman:
Thank you.

Friend:
That was awesome.

Friend:
That was amazing. That was, like, all new material.

Sarah Silverman:
Mm.

Friend:
And rape, and AIDS, and the Holocaust, just like you said.

Friend:
Just like you said! It was so...

Friend:
Cool.

Sarah Silverman:
Well.

Friend:
You must be so proud of yourself.

Sarah Silverman:
I am.

Friend:
That is so great.

[looking around the room, which has a rich, dark red curtain and fine pillows on the couch, as well as a large mirror and fresh foods]

Friend:
Wow, look at this, this is so pretty!

Sarah Silverman:
Mm.

[the friends begin staring at Sarah's spread of food]

Friend:
It's so beautiful. Oh, my God.

Friend:
What a spread!

Sarah Silverman:
Do you guys want something?

[the camera focuses on a large cake and small pastries]

Friend:
I'm so hungry, actually. I'm starving.

Friend:
Yeah, I'm dying.

Sarah Silverman:
This is, like, my dinner.

[Sarah gives them a small bottle of water which she had earlier rejected. They take it with disappointment]

[the show is over, and Sarah wants her friends to leave so that she can have some private time to relax]

Sarah Silverman:
Well, thanks for coming by. And, uh, I'm sorry, I just need some, kind of some, like, me, alone.

Friend:
Oh, totally!

Friend:
Oh, yeah, you just got here.

Friend:
Of course.

[Sarah stares expectantly at them]

Friend:
Well, we'll just, we'll call you and...

Sarah Silverman:
Like, NOW.

Friend:
And, um. Okay.

Sarah Silverman:
[fake cheerily] No, it's okay.

Friend:
Um, great job!

Friend:
Go get a drink? No? We're gonna go get a drink, and...

[He looks at Sarah, hoping that she will want to go out for a drink]

Sarah Silverman:
Well, have a good time!

[Awkward silence. The friends look longingly at the food again]

Friend:
All right. It was awesome.

Sarah Silverman:
Oh, I know!