Sayonara zetsubô sensei

[repeated line]

Nozomu Itoshiki:
Zetsubou shita!... I'm in despair!

[Japanese closing song]

Kafuka Fura P.N., Chiri Kitsu, Kaere Kimura, Nami Hito:
[singing] I get to hear their delightful screaming again today... / As long as you're with me, I'll go to the ends of the earth / I will even journey through a forest of delusion / Once I am reborn, I am doomed to love you again / For legends are the stuff of romance! / Turn around to find a beauty beyond parallel / The beautiful die young, and become queens of the night / The flickering shadows make the women more beautiful! / Hand me the noose softly / Eyes creep through the dark towards my back / They receive too much love, these proud sinners / I get to hear their delightful screaming again today... / Under a crescent moon!

[repeated line]

Nami Hito:
[upon being called normal] Don't say normal!... Futsuu te iu na!

[repeated line]

Kaere Kimura:
Uttaeruyo!... I'll sue!

Kantoku A:
I'm in despair! This society that criticizes people for following the original story has left me in despair!

Majiru Itoshiki:
[to Mr Itoshiki] He stole your catchphrase!

Nozomu Itoshiki:
I guess I'll cry.

[a streetcar crashes down the road]

Nozomu Itoshiki:
Can it be? [gets hit]

Matoi Tsunetsuki:
SENSEI!

[waiting outside the operating theatre]

Kafuka Fura P.N.:
It'll be fine. I believe it'll be fine.

Chiri Kitsu:
Kafka, how can you say something so carefree? Why do you always...?

Kiri Komori:
[breaks down] STOP IT! Stop it...

Nozomu Itoshiki:
[awakens from surgery] Eh... wait, what...?

Chiri Kitsu:
[about Meru] She's really shy, and can only talk through e-mail.

Nozomu Itoshiki:
Then I have no choice. My e-mail's not too good, I'll do my best... [types a message]

Nozomu Itoshiki:
[message] Konichiwa. [Meru receives the message, and replies... ]

Meru Otonashi:
[message] Moron, you're annoying! Don't wear that creepy kimono!

Nozomu Itoshiki:
What?... This must be some kind of mistake, right?

Meru Otonashi:
[message] It was me, in front of you right here! Damn four-eyes!

Nozomu Itoshiki:
She's abusive in her e-mails!

Nozomu Itoshiki:
I'm in despair! The Internet has left me in despair!

Meru Otonashi:
[message] Final warning: we have attempted to contact you multiple times about your debt, but we have been unable to confirm a transfer of funds.

Nozomu Itoshiki:
You're spamming me? Stop playing tricks!

Nami Hito:
Meru's battery is flat!

Abiru Kobushi:
Not a surprise, considering how much she uses it.

Nozomu Itoshiki:
[sees a way to stop Meru] You're not allowed to charge your phone in school! [Meru undoes her blouse to reveal she is carrying cellphone equipment]

Nozomu Itoshiki:
Who do you think you are, Rambo?

Harumi Fujiyoshi:
The fact that she exposed herself to him has gone over his head... [Meru puts in a new battery and starts mailing again]

Nozomu Itoshiki:
Another one!

Meru Otonashi:
[message] You saw them, pay up!

Chiri Kitsu:
[about Mr Itoshiki's handling of Meru] He should have turned off the power, or blocked her messages... huh?

Meru Otonashi:
[message] When did you become a middle-of-the-road class rep character?

Chiri Kitsu:
What is this?

Meru Otonashi:
[message] Bandaged girls aren't in vogue anymore!

Abiru Kobushi:
I didn't ask to get injured!

Meru Otonashi:
[message] There's really nothing special about you.

Nami Hito:
[bursts into tears] How mean!

Kafuka Fura P.N.:
[wakes up] What a beautiful morning! [finds herself in a tiger pit with an angry tiger]

Kafuka Fura P.N.:
I must still be dreaming. This faint dizziness must be morning lethargy. And the dull pain at the back of my head... [feels her head]

Kafuka Fura P.N.:
A bump?

Kafuka Fura P.N.:
[in the tiger pit] I'll be fine! There is a chapter in the Buddhist text Suvarnaprabhasa: a man offered his own body to feed a hungry tiger, and became a Buddha in his next life. It's a noble story! So it's okay if I'm eaten by the tiger, I'll become a god in my next life!

Nozomu Itoshiki:
She can be positive in such a situation?

Chie Arai:
That's not being positive...

Abiru Kobushi:
Reinbach! Over here, Reinbach! [the tiger jumps to Abiru]

Abiru Kobushi:
[frolics with the tiger] There, there. That's a good boy. So cute, so cute, just so cute... [gets injured]

Abiru Kobushi:
I really love animals! Technically, I should say I love animal tails!

Nozomu Itoshiki, Chie Arai:
Tails?

Abiru Kobushi:
Whenever I see a bouncing tail, I absolutely have to pull it!

Abiru Kobushi:
I love tails so much, I can't help it! I want to pull the tails of animals all over the world some day! I don't mean to brag, but there isn't a cat in town whose tail I haven't pulled!

Nozomu Itoshiki:
That's definitely not something to brag about...

[Abiru stares at Mr Itoshiki]

Nozomu Itoshiki:
What is it?

Abiru Kobushi:
Sensei would look good with a tail...

Nozomu Itoshiki:
Eh?

Abiru Kobushi:
In fact, I wonder what kind of tail would fit you best!

[cut to Mr. Itoshiki running off, a cat tail around his waist]

Nozomu Itoshiki:
She's a pervert! That girl is a pervert!

Abiru Kobushi:
[in pursuit, carrying tails] Sensei, wait! Wait!

Kaere Kimura:
So, you can say what you want in e-mail. In that case, we should have a fair conversation. [sends Meru her e-mail address]

Meru Otonashi:
[message] You're just a panty-shot character! Flash your panties already!

Kaere Kimura:
I'll sue! [lunges at Meru, but is held back by Chiri]

Meru Otonashi:
[message] You're already showing your panties, you moron!

Kaere Kimura:
Stop fidgeting, you damn Internet bully!

Meru Otonashi:
[message] The term "creepy fangirl" was invented for you, freak!

Harumi Fujiyoshi:
EH?

Meru Otonashi:
[message] If you have a voon under your desk, you'll be mistaken for a voon! Stop chasing boys and learn how to make them chase you, twit!

Matoi Tsunetsuki:
No way!

[Mr. Itoshiki sees that Abiru's room is filled with stuffed tails]

Nozomu Itoshiki:
W-what is this?

Abiru Kobushi:
Which one?

Nozomu Itoshiki:
[flustered, points at a tail] Uh, this one...

Abiru Kobushi:
That is the tail of the black-and-white ruffed lemur.

Nozomu Itoshiki:
That's not what I meant! Why are there tails hanging on the wall?

Abiru Kobushi:
Don't worry, I pretend they're fake.

Nozomu Itoshiki:
You pretend? Then what's the TRUTH? I've seen people hang animal heads on their wall, but tails are...

Harumi Fujiyoshi:
Sensei... put this on too!

[jams cat ears on Mr. Itoshiki]

Nozomu Itoshiki:
[screams] Another fetish!

[runs]

[at a spa, Maria looks over a wall]

Chiri Kitsu:
That's dangerous! Come on down!

Maria Taro Sekiutsu:
Sensei's there...

[all the girls get excited]

Nozomu Itoshiki:
Living according to your status can be a terrifying thing. You can't be comfortable whether asleep or awake... In that case, I no longer care. I'll live beyond my status... I'll die beyond my status, a celebrity death! Get hit by a celebrity's car, cut with a celebrity's tool, slip on a celebrity's banana peel, hanging with a celebrity sash... and finally, getting buried with a Buddhist name above my status! [a tombstone appears that says "Reckless Inferior Depraved Repentant Ruinous Foul-Mouthed Revered Mr. Despair the Great"]

Kafuka Fura P.N.:
Speaking of extreme celebrities, wouldn't that be it?

Nozomu Itoshiki:
Eh?... Wouldn't that be it? [cue a black-and-white sequence]

Nozomu Itoshiki:
Those words from my student changed the rest of my life. I wondered what all those days of despair had been for. My muddy soul rose from the depths of the mire, came in contact with clean air and light, and for the first time I knew what it meant to live... But at the same time, I learnt how hollow life feels when you have everything. Once again, I was in despair. The whole world had left me in despair. An exorbitant life, the finest wine, the finest woman... I drowned myself in everything I could, and decided to leave this world. I drowned myself in a pool of Dom Perignon, and died.

Chie Arai:
...You're still alive.

Nozomu Itoshiki:
I skimped on the Dom Perignon, so there wasn't enough to kill me.

Kafuka Fura P.N.:
So you were saved by your cheap nature.

[the female escort Mr Itoshiki spent the night with comes to class and leaves him with a bill of 2000 yen]

Nozomu Itoshiki:
It costs this much to die?

Chiri Kitsu:
[draws a knife] It doesn't cost a penny...

[Mr. Itoshiki finds himself in the same spa as his schoolgirls]

Kafuka Fura P.N.:
Wow, the steam is so thin! And now...

Nozomu Itoshiki:
[covers himself] NOOO!

Harumi Fujiyoshi:
That should be our reaction.

Nozomu Itoshiki:
Don't you girls have any shame?

Nami Hito:
More or less. But I don't particularly mind being looked at by Teacher.

Chiri Kitsu:
In fact, please look!

Dr. Mikoto Itoshiki:
So, you're one of Nozomu's students...

Kafuka Fura P.N.:
Nozomu? Then, you are...

Dr. Mikoto Itoshiki:
I am Nozomu's older brother, Mikoto Itoshiki.

Kafuka Fura P.N.:
Mikoto Itoshiki...

Dr. Mikoto Itoshiki:
As a doctor, someone patients entrust with their lives, I am very proud to have such a name. [Kafka notices he's written his name vertically, so she writes it down horizontally... ]

Kafuka Fura P.N.:
Death... Doctor Death!

Dr. Mikoto Itoshiki:
Don't write it like that! [Kafka rewrites it as "Mikotoito Shiki"]

Dr. Mikoto Itoshiki:
There was no need to overdo it... Ah, this damn name is why I don't get any patients! [starts banging his head on a wall]

Dr. Mikoto Itoshiki:
Please forgive my interruption. I'm okay now. Despite my appearance, I'm known for getting back on my feet. I couldn't be a doctor if I let such a trifling matter upset me.

Kafuka Fura P.N.:
It's been an hour.

Dr. Mikoto Itoshiki:
So, what brings you here today?

Kafuka Fura P.N.:
Eh? Oh... [checks her pulse]

Kafuka Fura P.N.:
It looks like I'm completely fine now! [cut to Kafka running out of the clinic, Dr. Itoshiki hurling things at her]

Dr. Mikoto Itoshiki:
WHY YOU... What did you come here for? Did you come to toy with me, you little brat?

Tokita:
[introduces Nozomu's sister Rin] At the youthful age of seventeen, she is an instructor in the Itoshiki school of flower arrangement, teaching three thousand students.

Kafuka Fura P.N.:
Rin Itoshiki, a flower teacher... [Meru writes down her name horizontally, to reveal... ]

Kafuka Fura P.N.:
Miss First-Class!

Rin Itoshiki:
[loses her temper] Bring my sword!

Bodyguard:
We are still on the premises.

Rin Itoshiki:
It matters not, I must cut her! [the bodyguard has to carry her away]

Rin Itoshiki:
Release me! Who do you think I am? Damn you!

Kaere Kimura:
Why am I the only one here wearing such a short kimono?

Tokita:
To provide us with an excellent view of your panties.

Kaere Kimura:
I'll sue!

[Kafka goes to the clinic because she feels unwell. There, she discovers a doctor who looks just like Mr. Itoshiki]

Kafuka Fura P.N.:
Huh? Sensei! ["Sensei" is a title for both teachers and doctors]

Dr. Mikoto Itoshiki:
Yes.

Kafuka Fura P.N.:
No, I mean Professor!

Dr. Mikoto Itoshiki:
Yes.

Kafuka Fura P.N.:
No, I mean Mr. Itoshiki!

Dr. Mikoto Itoshiki:
Yes.

Nozomu Itoshiki:
[stalked by Matoi] Her love is too heavy!

[Mr. Itoshiki and Chiri wake up to find themselves in the same bed]

Nozomu Itoshiki:
Uh... why are you here, Miss Kitsu?

Chiri Kitsu:
[blushes] Well, between a man and a woman... Now that this has happened, we have no choice. Please make it a proper job.

Nozomu Itoshiki:
A proper job?

Chiri Kitsu:
Properly register me as your wife! Properly meet with my parents!

Chiri Kitsu:
[holds up a marriage certificate] Sensei, please fill this out properly! [Mr. Itoshiki runs off]

[Kiri discovers a body hanging outside her window]

Nozomu Itoshiki:
[looks at her] What if I had died? [Kiri screams and runs]

Nozomu Itoshiki:
If you love that man so much, then allow me to explain to you the meaning of TRUE deep love!

Matoi Tsunetsuki:
True deep love?

Nozomu Itoshiki:
The ultimate expression of love is... to commit suicide together!

Matoi Tsunetsuki:
HUH?

Nozomu Itoshiki:
The true meaning of love is found in death! If you love each other, then you'll die together! [takes out a case]

Nozomu Itoshiki:
This is my travel kit I go everywhere with. It contains red lead, sleeping pills, and a will! I'll leave it here with you two.

Matoi Tsunetsuki:
The ultimate form of love... to love each other so much you'd die together...

Nozomu Itoshiki:
By the way, Miss Tsunetsuki, if you like, I'll die with you whenever you wish. Well then, bon voyage. [leaves]

Matoi Tsunetsuki:
That was a confession of love...

[Matoi appears in the classroom, dressed in a kimono like Mr Itoshiki]

Matoi Tsunetsuki:
Good morning. Sorry for being late.

Nozomu Itoshiki:
That's a very becoming look. Are you going for a celebration? [Matoi smiles at Mr. Itoshiki]

Nami Hito:
Sensei, don't you realize your own predicament?

Nozomu Itoshiki:
What do you mean?