Scary Movie 4

Tom:
All I've got is my kids, and my car. They mean the world to me. (slams Rachel's head in car door.)

Tom:
Gee, I wonder why I spend every waking moment of my life operating a crane... God, I hate my job. (starts playing with a crane machine)

Tom:
(after finding Michael Jackson with a group of children) Run away, kids! Run towards the Tri-pods if you have to!

Brenda:
Well, they don't call it churnin' where I come from!

Brenda:
What?! We at peace now, I was just sealin' the deal!

Brenda:
This is some sh*t, up with which we will not put.

Brenda:
(holding up Shaquille O'Neal's femur) I don't believe it! The aliens killed a dinosaur!

Brenda:
(having a nightmare) Lil' Kim- Lil' Kim got my sandwich. Look out- Russell Crowe's got a phone! R.Kelly, don't pee on me! MY LOVELY LADY LUMPS! Where are we?!

Jigsaw:
(Cindy is going to cut her own eye) Zoltar, get in here! This one's gonna do it!

Jigsaw:
I'm sorry for killing millions of people. Whatever!

Jigsaw:
We are so f***ed.

Jigsaw:
Gentlemen, you don't know me, but I know you. You both play games with people for a living, but now you are going to be playing for your lives.

Dr. Phil:
I don't know! I was doing a show on teens with abandonment issues and then I blacked out and woke up here! Man, those kids are gonna be pissed!

Dr. Phil:
I just tell people to "get real." I'm not even a doctor... I'm an electrician.

Dr. Phil:
Your feelings?! To hell with your feelings! Everybody with their feelings! "I'm obese, my kid's a brat, help me, help me!" Just shut up! (crying)

Dr. Phil:
Why can't I fix anyone of them? I'm so dumb and worthless. Mama was right, Mama was right!

Tom:
Get in the car, Marvin, or you're gonna die!

Marvin:
Okay...(reaches for handle but the door is locked. looks at Tom)

Tom:
Well, wait while I...(tries to unlock door but Marvin pulls handle at the same time. This happens a few times.) Don't do that.

Marvin:
Come on!

Tom:
Okay, on the count of three. One! Two! Three! (Tom unlocks door but again Marvin pulls handle) Why would you do that? Why would you go at the same time I do? That's what all this is about!!

Marvin:
Hey, you said go on three.

Tom:
What the f***?

Marvin:
Wait, your three, or my three?

Tom:
There's only one three! You go on four!

Marvin:
So, now I gotta go on four? You're makin' the black man wait for you?!

Tom:
Just go on four! One...

Marvin:
No. No one. I'm out. I'll take the next one, that okay with you. (backs away)

Tom:
Sheesh...attitude. (puts car in drive and leaves)

Marvin:
For real...I'd rather be dead. (gets zapped by Tri-pod.)

Shaq:
He doesn't want us to cut through our chains...he wants us to cut through our feet. You first.

Dr. Phil:
Bullshit!

Shaq:
I guess your mama was right... maybe you're not man enough!

Dr. Phil:
(looks up) NEVER!!!!! Who's the coward now, Mama?! (Saws through his foot)

Shaq:
Candy from a baby.

Dr. Phil:
I've done it! We're saved! (holds up foot)

Shaq:
Oh, my God! (points)

Dr. Phil:
What's wrong?!

Shaq:
Wrong foot!

Dr. Phil:
(looks down) Motherfu.... (hits floor with a thud.)

Brenda:
Is something wrong?

Cindy Campbell:
No, it's just... I met this guy, and I wonder if he's safe. Oh, you'd love him, Brenda.

Brenda:
What's his name? I might've already loved him.

Cindy Campbell:
Tom Ryan.

Brenda:
Yeah, did him. Big, fat Chinese guy?

Cindy Campbell:
No...no.

Cindy Campbell:
(relieved) But he is the kind of guy I'd like to share the rest of my life with.

Cindy Campbell:
Oh, my God!

Mr. Koji:
Don't mind her. She slip and fall. You my new best employee! Ready start today?

Oliver:
We gotta find a way to take out these tripods. I heard that the Japs took out a few of 'em over in Kikkoman.

Tom Ryan:
Kikkoman. That's...that's a soy sauce.

Oliver:
Right, yeah. Low sodium.

Secret Service Agent:
Mr. President, we've just received word the planet is under attack by aliens.

President Harris:
Oh, okay...

Secret Service Agent:
Sir, they've already wiped out some of our cities, if nothing is done they'll kill us all.

President Harris:
I see. Well, I'll deal with that later, but right now I need to find out what's happening with the duck.

Secret Service Agent:
Sir, with each passing moment more people will die.

President Harris:
The people are gonna die regardless. But this duck still has a fighting chance.

Secret Service Agent:
I've read the story before, Mr. President. The duck dies...

(the President spits milk all over the elementary school kids)

President Harris:
Oh my God! That's horrible!

Tom Ryan:
Ever since the divorce it's like my life has no purpose. Half the time, I walk around feelin' like a zombie!

C. J.:
Yo, don't joke about zombies. That sh*t there - that's real.

Mahalik:
Yo, you know Nashawn, down on 120th Street?

C. J.:
Yeah.

Mahalik:
She told me that she heard a zombie goin' through her trash the other day. The next mornin', she turned up missin'!

Tom Ryan:
Uh...

C. J.:
(C.J. interrupts) What?! Okay, back up. How in the hell do you "turn up missing"?

Mahalik:
'Cause nobody knows where you are when they realize you ain't there!

Tom Ryan:
Guys, I'm trying to ask...

C. J.:
(interrupts again) So you tellin' me that you can appear and disappear at the same time?

Mahalik:
No, man. You can't appear and disappear at the same time. The b*tch ain't David Copperfield!

Tom Ryan:
Uh, guys...

C. J.:
(interrupts a third time) Mmm. No, no. But you can't be gone from one place and show up somewhere else entirely. So when you turn up, you're never missin'. And when you're missin', you never turn up.

Mahalik:
Unless... you a zombie.

C. J.:
Damn! Hey, that's some plausible sh*t right there. You should blog about that.

Mahalik:
I'm-a gonna put that on Myspace!

C. J.:
You do that!

Tom's Neighbor #1:
Why is the sky so dark?!

Tom's Neighbor #2:
Why is the wind moving towards the storm?!

Tom's Neighbor #3:
(sees laundry flapping in the wind) Why don't any of us have dryers?!

Mahalik:
Grandma?! The zombies have got my grandma!

(Mahalik grabs his grandma and starts shaking her)

Mahalik:
Die, Grandma! Die! Die! I loved you! I loved you!

Cindy Campbell:
(to Tom) I was married once...

Cindy's Husband:
(flashback) Git outta the way, b*tch!

Cindy Campbell:
Don't call me no b*tch! You ain't sh*t!

Cindy's Husband:
Shut yo ass up, snow ho!

(Cindy throws glass bottle)

Cindy Campbell:
(flashback ends) Well, actually, married twice.

Marilyn:
(as Tom pulls up in his car) Late again, Tom.

Tom Ryan:
Hey, Marilyn.

Marilyn:
I thought you were moving.

Tom Ryan:
Oh, it's all I could afford right now. You took everything in the divorce except my name.

Marilyn:
No, actually, the judge granted me that yesterday. You're now officially known as "Horace P. MacTitties."

Cindy Campbell:
It looks like we have a lot in...

Tom Ryan:
...common.

Cindy Campbell:
We're already finishing each other's...

Tom Ryan:
...dinner!

Saw Villian:
Let the game begin.

Cindy Campbell:
I... I don't get it.

Saw Villian:
Okay...maybe this will help you "see."

(a knife comes out from the wall)

Cindy Campbell:
You want me to cut something?

Saw Villain:
That... should be obvious, yes.

(she goes to cut her wrist)

Saw Villain:
No.

(she reaches out to cut Brenda's shoulder)

Saw Villain:
No! The key is behind your eye, okay?!

Brenda:
Hey, Cindy! Look, I'm on TV, y'all! Check it out! I'm gonna give a shout out to all my peeps!

(Jigsaw turns around and slaps Brenda in the face)

Brenda:
HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?! (bashing Jigsaw's face into the camera) NO ONE...B*TCH SLAPS...BRENDA!

Jigsaw:
Zoltar, help!

(Zoltar comes in to help his partner)

Jigsaw:
Oh, this is some bullshit!

(Brenda grabs the pipe and whacks Jigsaw with it before pushing Zoltar out of view)

Robbie:
Dad, talk to me! What's happening?

Tom Ryan:
There's no time to explain! (a man runs past the window, screaming)

Random Guy:
Alien attack!

Tom Ryan:
Well, actually, that about sums it up.

They're coming. We need your support.

What Is With The Scary Movies?

Based on True Events

Longer... Raunchier... Funnier!

Enter at your own risk!

The funniest thing you ever sawed.

The fourth and final chapter of the trilogy

Bury the grudge. Burn the village. See the saw.

Shaq:
(After throwing the rock into the basketball) Boo-yah!

Dr. Phil:
Yes!

Shaq:
He doesn't want us to cut through our chains...he wants us to cut through our feet. You first.

Dr. Phil:
Bullshit!

Shaq:
I guess your mama was right... maybe you're not man enough!

Dr. Phil:
(looks up) NEVER!!!!! Who's the coward NOW, Mama?! (Saws through his foot)

Shaq:
Candy from a baby.

Dr. Phil:
I've done it! We're saved! (holds up foot)

Shaq:
Oh, my God! (points)

Dr. Phil:
What's wrong?!

Shaq:
Wrong foot!

Dr. Phil:
(looks down) Motherfu.... (hits floor with a thud.)

Brenda:
Is something wrong?

Cindy Campbell:
No, it's just... I met this guy, and I wonder if he's safe. Oh, you'd love him, Brenda.

Brenda:
What's his name? I might've already loved him.

Cindy Campbell:
Tom Ryan.

Brenda:
Yeah, did him. Big, fat Chinese guy?

Cindy Campbell:
No...no.

Cindy Campbell:
(relieved) But he is the kind of guy I'd like to share the rest of my life with.

Oliver:
We gotta find a way to take out these tripods. I heard that the Japs took out a few of 'em over in Kikkoman.

Tom Ryan:
Kikkoman. That's...that's a soy sauce.

Oliver:
Right, yeah. Low sodium.

Secret Service Agent:
Mr. President, we've just received word the planet is under attack by aliens.

President Harris:
Oh, okay...

Secret Service Agent:
Sir, they've already wiped out some of our cities, if nothing is done they'll kill us all.

President Harris:
I see. Well, I'll deal with that later, but right now I need to find out what's happening with the duck.

Secret Service Agent:
Sir, with each passing moment more people will die.

President Harris:
The people are gonna die regardless. But this duck still has a fighting chance.

Secret Service Agent:
I've read the story before, Mr. President. The duck dies...

(the President spits milk all over the elementary school kids)

President Harris:
Oh my God! That's horrible!

Tom Ryan:
Ever since the divorce it's like my life has no purpose. Half the time, I walk around feelin' like a zombie!

C. J.:
Yo, don't joke about zombies. That sh*t there - that's real.

Mahalik:
Yo, you know Nashawn, down on 120th Street?

C. J.:
Yeah.

Mahalik:
She told me that she heard a zombie goin' through her trash the other day. The next mornin', she turned up missin'!

Tom Ryan:
Uh...

(C.J. interrupts)

C. J.:
What?! Okay, back up. How in the hell do you "turn up missing"?

Mahalik:
'Cause nobody knows where you are when they realize you ain't there!

Tom Ryan:
Guys, I'm trying to ask...

C. J.:
(interrupts again) So you tellin' me that you can appear and disappear at the same time?

Mahalik:
No, man. You can't appear and disappear at the same time. The b*tch ain't David Copperfield!

Tom Ryan:
Uh, guys...

C. J.:
(interrupts a third time) Mmm. No, no. But you can't be gone from one place and show up somewhere else entirely. So when you turn up, you're never missin'. And when you're missin', you never turn up.

Mahalik:
Unless... you a zombie.

C. J.:
Damn! Hey, that's some plausible sh*t right there. You should blog about that.

Mahalik:
I'm-a gonna put that on Myspace!

C. J.:
You do that!

Tom's Neighbor #1:
Why is the sky so dark?!

Tom's Neighbor #2:
Why is the wind moving towards the storm?!

Tom's Neighbor #3:
(sees laundry flapping in the wind) Why don't any of us have dryers?!

Mahalik:
Grandma?! The zombies have got my grandma!

(Mahalik grabs his grandma and starts shaking her)

Mahalik:
Die, Grandma! Die! Die! I loved you! I loved you!

Cindy Campbell:
(to Tom) I was married once...

Cindy's Husband:
(flashback) Git outta the way, b*tch!

Cindy Campbell:
Don't call me no b*tch! You ain't sh*t!

Cindy's Husband:
Shut yo ass up, snow ho!

(Cindy throws glass bottle)

Cindy Campbell:
(flashback ends) Well, actually, married twice.

Marilyn:
(as Tom pulls up in his car) Late again, Tom.

Tom Ryan:
Hey, Marilyn.

Marilyn:
I thought you were moving.

Tom Ryan:
Oh, it's all I could afford right now. You took everything in the divorce except my name.

Marilyn:
No, actually, the judge granted me that yesterday. You're now officially known as "Horace P. MacTitties."

Cindy Campbell:
It looks like we have a lot in...

Tom Ryan:
...common.

Cindy Campbell:
We're already finishing each other's...

Tom Ryan:
...dinner!

Dr. Phil:
Hit the metal arm with something. There!

Dr. Phil:
Shaquille. I'm not angry at you, 'cause we ARE one minute away from Death. Just shut the "No" voice. Own your success.

Dr. Phil:
Just make the damn basket!

Dr. Phil:
What the hell was that for?!

Dr. Phil:
Your FEELINGS?! To hell with your feelings! Everybody with their feelings! "I'm obese, my kid's a brat, help me, help me! JUST SHUT UP!!! (cries) Why can't I fix anyone of them?! I'm so dumb and worthless! Mama was right, Mama was right! (sobs)

Dr. Phil:
Not exactly.

Dr. Phil:
Yes!

Dr. Phil:
30 seconds left!

Dr. Phil:
Of course. He wants us to cut through our feet!

Dr. Phil:
I did it! We're saved! What's wrong?!

President Harris:
What's the difference between a Belgian and a lump of dog sh*t? The Belgian drinks wine, but the dog sh*t smells good!

Cindy:
Hello? (sees a Ghost Boy peering from above the balcony)

Cindy:
"Harro?" --- Hello

Cindy:
"Hibachi, Benihana, Teriyaki" --- Do you live here?

Ghost Boy:
"Nagasaki, Okinawa, Hokkaido, Yokohama" --- Your Japanese is awful. It dishonors my ears.

Cindy:
"Karate, Judo, Sumo, Samurai" --- Are you a ghost?

Ghost Boy:
"Nissan, Honda, Mitsubishi, Subaru" --- Yes. I was killed and my soul walks the earth!

Cindy:
"Hari-kiri, Tsunami, Kamikaze, Banzai" --- How sad. My life is also tragic.

Ghost Boy:
"Yamaha, Nikon, Casio, Aiwa" --- You mistake me for someone who gives a sh*t.

Ghost Boy:
"Minolta, Hitachi, Seiko, Toshiba" --- I know the secret of defeating the aliens.

Cindy:
"Buddha! Shitake Kimono!" --- My God! Tell me!

Ghost Boy:
"Tempura, Sushi, Sashimi...!" --- The answer is within my father's heart! Follow the blood...!

(Ghost Boy fades away)

Cindy:
(pleading) "Fujitsu!" --- Wait!