Scott & Bailey

Nick Savage:
The other day when you were late for work, Did you actually get washed before you went to work?

DC Rachel Bailey:
Yes.

Nick Savage:
Where?

DC Rachel Bailey:
At work!

Nick Savage:
And you wore the same clothes, all day, that you'd worn the day before.

DC Rachel Bailey:
Are you implying that I'm unhygienic?

DCI Gill Murray:
I brought the boy. Hes just passed his driving test! So guess which one of us is getting off our face, and which ones drinking pop.

DC Rachel Bailey:
[Talking about Gill] Shes still a b*tch!

DC Janet Scott:
[Gill walks up] Hi Gill!

DC Rachel Bailey:
An arse-hole bastard, defective Chief Inspector, Godzilla b*tch!

DC Janet Scott:
Thanks for coming.

DC Janet Scott:
I don't want to run the risk of getting drunk, like someone I know did at her 40th, and run up and and down the garden, topless, at midnight, in front of her few remaining guests, singing 'I am sixteen, going on 17.'

DCI Gill Murray:
Thought we weren't going to mention that again?

DC Janet Scott:
Optimist.

DCI Gill Murray:
[laughs hysterically]

DC Rachel Bailey:
I'm pregnant, I'm having a baby so, obviously you need to know that.

DCI Gill Murray:
Have you got a due date?

DC Rachel Bailey:
August 4th.

DCI Gill Murray:
Slap bang in the middle of the annual leave season. Great Rachel, well timed!

DC Rachel Bailey:
It wasn't planned.

DCI Gill Murray:
Why doesn't that surprise me.

DC Rachel Bailey:
I've told Godzilla, she said 'Ooh Rachel, im delighted for you, how lovely!'

DC Janet Scott:
She did not.

DC Rachel Bailey:
No, did she Bollocks! She said 'Ooh, August? Well timed knob head' Shes a b*tch, I'm sick of her. Shes a nasty, miserable old...

DC Janet Scott:
Oh, hi, boss!

DC Rachel Bailey:
It's not going to be you haemorrhaging down the toilet, torturing yourself over what a murdering bastard you are, is it? No, that would be me... Sorry, is that a bit graphic for you

DC Rachel Bailey:
[On phone] Hello?

DC Janet Scott:
[On phone] You rang?

DC Rachel Bailey:
What you doing for your anniversary? Can I come?

DC Janet Scott:
Is that what you rang about?

DC Rachel Bailey:
You know giving birth?

Taisie Scott:
[Whining] Mum...

DC Janet Scott:
I'll be up in a minute!

DC Rachel Bailey:
What's it like?

DC Janet Scott:
Well, it's painful. And you can't imagine how you're ever gonna come out the other side without being ripped asunder. But you do,and it's brilliant and beautiful.Even when you've got your legs up in stirrups and 3,000 stitches up your... But that's the easy bit. It's the next five, ten, 15 years that do your nut in. [Rachel starts crying] Rachel?

DC Rachel Bailey:
[Crying] I can't do this.

DC Janet Scott:
[Concerned] What can't you do?

DC Rachel Bailey:
It's a baby, you know... It's flesh and blood and a brain and it's mine.

DC Janet Scott:
Do you want me to come over? [Cut to Rachel's apartment, they're sat on her sofa] I'd rather be here, honestly. This is why I don't want any fuss made about this bloody anniversary

DC Rachel Bailey:
What? What is?

DC Janet Scott:
Ade.

DC Rachel Bailey:
Ah... You knew he was a geography teacher when you married him.

DC Janet Scott:
I'd rather just ignore it completely than go through the misery of watching him HAVING to make an effort. I get home, and instantly I'm on nursing duty. Lady Gaga's farting about with period pains and he's just sat in front of the telly.

DC Rachel Bailey:
You wouldn't be without yours, though, would you? Even when they ARE driving you up the wall.

DC Janet Scott:
Rach, I can't tell you what to do [about her abortion] Whatever you choose, you'll still torture yourself after it was wrong. You've been dumped on from a great height by a man who needs his head examined. Nobody envies you the position you're in and nobody is gonna judge you for it after.

DC Rachel Bailey:
What would you do if you were me?

DC Janet Scott:
I'd get rid of it.

DC Janet Scott:
[to Rachel] Are you up to this? [to uniformed officer] I need a big bar of chocolate and a cup of tea with far too much sugar in it, OK?

DC Rachel Bailey:
Is that how you entice them down?

DC Janet Scott:
No, that's for you, you pillock

DC Janet Scott:
Better put her back in her box boys, until the boss gets back.

DCI Gill Murray:
[On the phone] Andy, Can you bail Myra Hindley? Otherwise we'll be out of time before we do get something on the b*tch.

DC Rachel Bailey:
What you gonna do?

DCI Gill Murray:
Cry, vomit, resign, sulk, get pissed, shag someone, watch telly.

DCI Gill Murray:
[to Janet and Rachel] If either of you ever, ever, let me down over this, I will come after you, and I will kill you, both of you, and I will get away with it because I know how.

DCI Gill Murray:
Hiya Slap!

DCI Julie Dodson:
I am lying next to a hot, steamy body

DCI Gill Murray:
Oh! Good god woman! Keep your dirty little sexual fantasies to yourself!

DCI Julie Dodson:
Well I would Gill, but I know its the only excitement you get this side of Christmas.

DCI Gill Murray:
Excuse me lady! [Whispers] I've got a toy boy.

DCI Julie Dodson:
[laughs] Oh yeah, We've heard about this! You know your mothers paying him to go out with you don't you?

DCI Gill Murray:
Is that the acrid stink of jealousy I detect?

DCI Julie Dodson:
No love, its pity. That was you looking like a knob on the news the other night, wasn't it?

DCI Gill Murray:
[Sarcastically] You're so funny I've just fallen over laughing.

DCI Gill Murray:
I love this job, I love this job! Do you know why? Im the one who gets to nail the bastard who did this, to the wall, by his f***ing testicles.

DCI Gill Murray:
Karen Zalinskis got a PHD in clinical forensic psychology, Course shes scary.

DCI Julie Dodson:
Thank you.

DCI Julie Dodson:
Look at me, I'm shaking, I'm sweating. An hour in a cellar with four putrified corpses and I'm cool as a cucumber. Thirty seconds on the phone to Karen Zalinski and I'm a nervous wreck! Look at me, what's going on?

DCI Gill Murray:
You're ridiculous.

DCI Julie Dodson:
Oh sod off!

DCI Gill Murray:
Rob says Mitch remembered...

DCI Julie Dodson:
Is it just me? Does she not have this effect on everyone?

DCI Gill Murray:
It's just you. Mitch remembered, he was the exhibits officer on...

DCI Julie Dodson:
No, seriously?

DCI Gill Murray:
Seriously.

DCI Gill Murray:
How long have you had a drink problem Helen?

Helen Bartlett:
Its not a problem. I like being pissed.

DC Janet Scott:
[about Rachel's promotion interview] It didn't go badly in there, did it?

DS Rachel Bailey:
Well it went somewhere between brilliantly and sh*t.

DC Janet Scott:
[about Rachel's mothers'wedding] Are you and your Allison going to be flower girls?

DS Rachel Bailey:
Yeah we're gonna chuck condoms out a little wicker basket in case they decide to breed!

DS Rachel Bailey:
Janet! Hey, wait. I'm sorry, this is weird to take this now but if I don't,it's just gonna get weirder.

DC Janet Scott:
What?

DS Rachel Bailey:
My mum died.

DC Janet Scott:
When?

DS Rachel Bailey:
Today.

DC Janet Scott:
When today?

DS Rachel Bailey:
This morning. Alison rang just before Chris rang to tell me about the...

DC Janet Scott:
The crash.

DS Rachel Bailey:
Yeah.

DC Janet Scott:
Jesus!

DS Rachel Bailey:
I know.

DC Janet Scott:
I'm *so* sorry, Rach.

DS Rachel Bailey:
Oh, it's okay.

DC Janet Scott:
Okay...

DS Rachel Bailey:
I mean I'm not weeping and wailing.

DC Janet Scott:
No... How did she...?

DS Rachel Bailey:
Heart attack. Instant

[Janet breaks down crying]

DS Rachel Bailey:
[Hugs Janet] What are *you* crying for? She was my mad mum, not yours.

DC Janet Scott:
I'm sorry, I... I don't know where that came from.It was kind of you not to tell me; you could of... Thank you.

DCI Gill Murray:
[to Rachel] I'm am so proud of you

DCI Gill Murray:
[to Evie Pritchard, angry] Get your hands off my officer!

DS Rachel Bailey:
[after beating her mother's alcoholic & abusive boyfriend] I feel different... I feel freed.

DC Janet Scott:
Did you break any bones?

DS Rachel Bailey:
I don't know [pause] possibly

DC Janet Scott:
You can take the Rachel out the Bailey but you can't take the Bailey out of the Rachel.