Screen One

Scout:
Is that somebody calling us?

Charles:
My Commanding Officer.

Scout:
He seems upset about something.

Charles:
Hard targets.

Scout:
What does that mean?

Charles:
Means, with us, we should either get under cover or make it difficult for the person about to shoot us, to shoot us without himself being shot.

Scout:
Is anyone about to shoot us?

Charles:
My Commanding Officer might if we don't go down.

[the Queen knows that Sir Anthony Blunt is a traitor and Blunt knows that the Queen knows this, but both maintain a facade of innocence as they discuss the Queen's art collection, amid many coded references]

H.M.Q.:
Portraits are supposed to be frightfully self-revealing, aren't they? Show what one's really like - the secret self. Either that or else the eyes are supposed to follow you round the room. Have you had your portrait painted?

Sir Anthony Blunt:
No, Ma'am.

H.M.Q.:
So we don't know whether you have a secret self?

[later]

H.M.Q.:
If one comes across a painting with the right background and pedigree, Sir Anthony, it must be hard, I imagine, even inconceivable, to think that it is not what it claims to be. And even supposing someone in such circumstances did have suspicions, they would be chary about voicing them. Easier to leave things as they are. Stick with the official attribution, rather than let the cat out of the bag and say "Here we have a fake".

Sir Anthony Blunt:
I still think the word "fake" inappropriate, Ma'am.

H.M.Q.:
If something is not what it claims to be, what is it?

Sir Anthony Blunt:
An enigma?

Jean Donnelly:
I never planned for my life to be shite.

Deric's Mother:
Ten minutes of this rain will do more good in half an hour than a fortnight of ordinary rain would do in a month.

Deric's Mother:
Hello Lawrence.

Deric Longden:
It's Kenneth.

Deric's Mother:
Oh, I knew it was something of Arabia.

[Deric is smoking a very smelly pipe]

Joan:
What are you smoking, lad?

Deric Longden:
Three Nuns.

Joan:
Well I think one of them's just farted. Put it out, Deric. Never fools anyone, anyway.

[Deric is sitting with Diana in hospital]

Diana Longden:
Go and have a smoke.

Deric Longden:
I don't want one.

Diana Longden:
You're not missing much.

Deric Longden:
[kisses Diana] Oh, I don't know.

Diana Longden:
Well go and have a beer then.

Deric Longden:
I don't want a beer either.

Diana Longden:
Well screw one of the nurses.

Deric Longden:
Oh, all right (!)

Diana Longden:
Only the one, mind - you've a train to catch.

[Andy Fairweather-Low's "Wide-Eyed and Legless" is playing on the car radio]

Diana Longden:
They're playing my song. Turn it up.

[Deric and Diana sing enthusiastically but raucously]

Diana Longden:
I'd like you to play this at my funeral.

Deric Longden:
I don't trust you - you'd get up and start singing the bugger.

Diana Longden:
Think many people'll come?

Deric Longden:
Not with your voice.

[Diana and Deric have gone to visit Aileen. Aileen is leaning over the bannister as Diana clumsily climbs the stairs backwards, sitting on her bottom]

Aileen Armitage:
Climbing upstairs on her what?

Deric Longden:
Er, on her own volition.

Diana Longden:
That is *not* what I said!

Aileen Armitage:
No, I thought it wasn't.