Scrooged

Lew Hayward:
I was a captain of industry, feared by men, adored by women.

Frank Cross:
ADORED? C'mon, let's be honest, Lew. You PAID for the women.

Frank Cross:
I want to see her nipples.

Censor Lady:
But this is a CHRISTMAS show.

Frank Cross:
Well, I'm sure Charles Dickens would have wanted to see her nipples.

Frank Cross:
See? And these guys are REALLY looking.

Ghost of Christmas Past:
Let's face it, Frank. Garden slugs got more out of life than you.

Frank Cross:
Yeah? Name one.

Frank Cross:
I never liked a girl well enough to give her 12 sharp knives.

Frank Cross:
No, you are a hallucination, brought on by alcohol. Russian Vodka, poisoned by Chernobyl.

James Cross:
You know what they say about people who treat other people bad on the way up?

Frank Cross:
Yeah, you get to treat 'em bad on the way back down too. It's great, you get two chances to rough 'em up.

Frank Cross:
Did you try staples?

Frank Cross:
The b*tch hit me with a toaster.

Ghost of Christmas Present:
Sometimes you just have to SLAP them to get their attention.

Earl Cross:
All day long I listen to people give me excuses why they can't work. My legs hurt. My back aches. I'm only four. The sooner he learns life isn't handed to him on a silver platter, the better.

Claire Phillips:
Taxi. Can you get me to the IBC building in 15 minutes?

Ghost of Christmas Past:
Which floor?

Ghost of Christmas Present:
You know I like the rough stuff, don't you Frank?

The Ghost of Christmas Present:
Oh, what is this Frank? Oh, oh, look Frank. It's a toaster.

Frank Cross:
Wow, does that stink. And now... I have to kill all of you.

Frank Cross:
Hey. Are you glad to see me, or is this a shotgun in your pocket?

Frank Cross:
All right, you've heard it. How's this for a deal? I hire you back, pay you twice your original salary, and offer you a vice president position. Would you like my office?

Elliot:
No, I don't like your office.

Frank Cross:
That's SO YOU!

Elliot:
What's the catch?

Frank Cross:
The catch...

Frank Cross:
... is that you need to shower, little man. You are RIPE! Whoo!

Frank Cross:
Quick. What time is it?

Elliot:
Somebody stole my watch.

Ghost of Christmas Past:
Go back to Jersey, ya moron.

Herman:
Boy that Dick sure knows how to drink huh?

Frank Cross:
Why do you keep calling me "Dick"?

Herman:
I'm sorry Mr. Burton, but I guess we don't know you well enough yet, to call you Dick.

Frank Cross:
The Jews taught me this great word. "Schmuck". I was a schmuck, and now I'm not a schmuck.

Frank Cross:
I'm gonna give you a little advice Claire. Scrape 'em off. You wanna save somebody? Save yourself.

Claire Phillips:
Oh well that's a really nice attitude. Merry Christmas.

Frank Cross:
Bah humbug.

Frank Cross:
I get it, you're here to show me my past and I'm supposed to get all dully eyed and mushy. Well forget it pal, you got the wrong guy.

Ghost of Christmas Past:
That's exactly what Atilla the Hun said. But when he saw his mother, Niagra Falls.

Ghost of Christmas Past:
Niagra Falls Frankie Angel.

Frank Cross:
Grace, put yourself down for a towel too.

Grace:
What about my bonus?

Frank Cross:
Towel or a facecloth.

Elliot:
Hello, IBC program room.

Preston:
This is Rhinelander. Who's the idiot that put that nut on the air?

Elliot:
Oh, uh, Bryce Cummings is the idiot sir but uh, he can't talk to you right now because he's sorta tied up. Uh-huh. Oh, in fact he just said that you were a flatulating butthead?

Preston:
A butthead?

Elliot:
He said he never felt that way about a man before but you really looked good in a suit.

Frank Cross:
Would you please hold the goddamn hammering, now.

Frank Cross:
You've got a program featuring America's favorite old fart. Reading a book in front of a fireplace. Now, I have to kill all of you.

Frank Cross:
Grace, what in the hell is this?

Grace:
Oh, it's a painting, one of my kids did. See, there's Santa Claus and there's Mrs. Claus.

Frank Cross:
Honey, how many fingers does Mrs. Santa Claus have here?

Grace:
Eleven.

Frank Cross:
Eleven. Right.

Frank Cross:
It's crap. Lose it. I don't want it on the wall.

Elliot:
Hello wabbit.

Frank Cross:
Could you give me a head start?

Elliot:
Sure. One thousand one, one thousand two, one thousand three.

Grace:
When they're free.

Frank Cross:
Get me Standards and Practices in here. I want to see wreaths.

Frank Cross:
Do you think I'm way off-base here?

Elliot:
Yes. You're, well, you're a tad off-base, sir. That thing looked like The Manson Family Christmas Special.

Frank Cross:
It's Christmas Eve. It's-it's the one night of the year when we all act a little nicer, we-we-we smile a little easier, we-w-w-we-we-we cheer a little more. For a couple of hours out of the whole year we are the people that we always hoped we would be.

Frank Cross:
Claire, the whole world. Whole world, Claire.

Frank Cross:
Where are we?

Ghost of Christmas Past:
Where are we? You mean, "When are we?"

If you can’t find it under A, look under B, if you can’t find it under B, look under C..

“I care”

Frank:
I am the youngest president in the history of television for a reason: I know the people.

Elliot:
Well, uh... granted but the people already wanna watch the show.

Frank:
That isn't good enough! They have got to be so scared to miss it! So terrified! Now if I were in charge, and I am. [laughs. IBC Executive laughs along with him but Frank looks at him and he shuts up] Perhaps I can help you. Here's the kind of thing I would have done. Grace, cue it up.

[Frank stands in front of the screens. Thunder sounds and ominous music start playing]

Scrooge Promo Announcer:
Acid rain.

[Images and sounds of people screaming; Frank makes a screaming face]

Scrooge Promo Announcer:
Drug addictions.

[Shows a guy groaning and shooting up on heroin. Scene changes to a jet taking off]

Scrooge Promo Announcer:
International terrorism.

[Jet blows up in midair. Scene changes to a guy pulling a shotgun out of a car]

Scrooge Promo Announcer:
Freeway killers.

[Guy with shotgun fires]

Scrooge Promo Announcer:
Now more than ever...

Frank:
[Speaking along with announcer] It is important to remember the true meaning of Christmas.

Scrooge Promo Announcer:
Don't miss Charles Dickens' immortal classic Scrooge. Your life...

Frank:
[Speaking along with announcer] ... might just depend on it.

[Promo holds on the image of a nuclear explosion. Frank takes a sip of coffee and looks at the executives]

Frank:
Not bad, huh?

Frank:
I want to see her nipples.

Censor Lady:
But this is a Christmas show.

Frank:
Well, Charles Dickens would have wanted to see her nipples!

Carpenter:
You can barely see them nipples.

Frank:
See? And these guys are really looking!

Ghost of Christmas Past:
You still spend the next fifteen years sitting on your ass watching TV.

Frank:
Check the records! I did some stuff. I played baseball. One year, I hit the home-run that won the big game--

Ghost of Christmas Past:
That was the kid on The Courtship of Eddie's Father.

Frank:
There was another time, though. I was on a hill covered with flowers, and there was a beautiful girl with pigtails--

Ghost of Christmas Past:
PATHETIC! You are so pathetic! That was Little House on the Prairie!

Frank:
... Was it the the homecoming episode?

Ghost of Christmas Past:
[exasperated] Yes, it was the homecoming episode of Little House. Let's face it, Frank. Garden slugs got more out of life than you.

Frank:
Yeah? Name one.

Ghost of Christmas Past:
You left Claire for Frisbee the dog? Frank, let me sum this up for you: you don't know who you are, you don't know what you want, and you don't know what the hell is going on!

Frank:
I've made a few mistakes. I gotta live with that. But I do know who I am, I know what I want, and I know what's going on!

Ghost of Christmas Past:
[the Ghost has disappeared into a monitor, and whistles to get his attention] Hey, Frank! Up here!

Frank:
What's going on?

Ghost of Christmas Past:
How should I know? I'm just the ghost! So long, sucker!

[Props man tries to attach antlers to a mouse]

Props man:
I can't get the antlers glued to this little guy. We tried Crazy Glue, but it don't work.

Frank:
Did you try staples?

Frank:
Same old Claire... still trying to save the world.

Claire:
You still trying to run it?

remember you meet the same people on the way up as you do on the way down...

" Good ! That'll give me a chance to kick 'em again ! "

Frank Cross:
I'm not crazy. It's Christmas Eve! It's, it's the one night of the year when we all act a little nicer, we, we, we smile a little easier, we, w-w-we, we, we cheer a little more. For a couple of hours out of the whole year, we are the people that we always hoped we would be! It's a miracle, it's really, a sort of a miracle because it happens every Christmas Eve. And if you waste that miracle, you're gonna burn for it. I know what I'm talking about. You have to do something. You have to take a chance. You do have to get involved. There are people that are having, having trouble making their miracle happen. There are people that don't have enough to eat, and there are people that are cold. You can go out and say 'hello' to these people. You can take an old blanket out of the closet and say, 'here.' You can make 'em a sandwich, and say 'Oh, by the way, here!' I get it now! And if you, if you give, then you, then it can happen. Then the miracle can happen to you. It's not just the poor and the hungry, it's, it's everybody that's gotta have this miracle! And it can happen tonight for all of you! If you believe in this pure thing, you'll, the miracle will happen and then you'll want it to happen again tomorrow! You won't be one of these bastards who says, 'Christmas is once a year and it's a fraud.' It's not! It can happen every day! You've just got to want that feeling! And if you like it and you want it, you'll get greedy for it. You'll want it every day of your life, and it can happen to you! I believe in it now. I believe it's gonna happen to me now. I'm ready for it! And it's great. It's a good feeling. It's, it's really better than I've felt in a long time. I'm, I'm, I'm ready. Have a Merry Christmas, everybody.

Frank Cross:
Can we look at something else? Oh look. There's a gorilla climbing that building.

Frank Cross:
What is this? Trump Tower?

Ghost of Christmas Past:
[after driving harmlessly through a van] GO BACK TO JERSEY, YA MORON! [laughs]

Promo Announcer:
The night the reindeer died!

Elliot Loudermilk:
Hello wabbit.

James Cross:
[last lines] My brother, The King of Christmas.

Lew:
Oh, Frank. Frank, you are in trouble. Big trouble.

Frank:
All right. Let's just say, for argument's sake, that you're right, that I am in big trouble. What exactly would that mean?

Lew:
Look at me. Look at your future. Now, if you don't change your ways, you're gonna wind up doomed, just as I am. [pats his chest, sending dust flying, and coughs] One minute, I'm on the 14th hole at Winged Foot, lining up a putt. A heart attack later, I'm a worm feast.

Frank:
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, you're not a worm feast. [pointing at him] You're a HALLUCINATION, brought on by alcohol! Russian vodka, poisoned by Chernobyl! I'm under a lot of pressure lately, I've been putting on a big--

Lew:
[grabs his hand] SILENCE!

Frank:
Ow...

Lew:
I had it all. I was a captain of industry, feared by men, adored by women.

Frank:
[almost laughing] ADORED?! Let's be honest, Lew! You paid for the women.

Lew:
I'm warning you, Frank: don't waste your life as I did mine.

Frank:
Waste? How can you say that?! You're a legend in this business! You're the man who invented the miniseries!

Lew:
Mankind should have been my business! Charity, mercy, kindness - that should have been my business. Don't wait. Get yourself involved. Now it's too late for me, but it's not for you. You can be saved!