Secret of My Succe$s

Brantley Foster:
Can I make a personal observation?

Vera Prescott:
Um, anything but the thighs.

Brantley Foster:
You know, somebody sold you a bill of goods and convinced you you had to be 21 forever. I think you're terrific; I think the only thing wrong with you is your husband is a jerk. You're beautiful, you're intelligent, you're sensuous...

Vera Prescott:
Say that again!

Brantley Foster:
Which part?

Vera Prescott:
All of it!

Vera Prescott:
Oh, no.

Brantley Foster:
What, what is it?

Vera Prescott:
It's the jerk.

Vera Prescott:
My husband.

Brantley Foster:
My uncle!

Vera Prescott:
Your what?

Brantley Foster:
Oh God, that makes you...

Vera Prescott:
Auntie Vera?

Brantley Foster:
Oh! God!

Brantley Foster:
Oh God, oh God, oh God! What's my mother going to say? I've disgraced my whole family!

Vera Prescott:
Oh, the hell you did!

Grace Foster:
Take this. It's Uncle Howard's phone number in New York.

Brantley Foster:
I've got an uncle in New York?

Grace Foster:
My cousin Ellen married his half-sister's nephew, before she got bit by that dog and died.

Brantley Foster:
All right, listen up. If there are any bugs in here, or rats, or anything that has more legs than I do, you just stay on your side of the room, okay? I'll stay on mine. I should warn you, I'm packing an iron.

Mrs. Meacham:
Outstanding! Outstanding!

Brantley Foster:
You're not going to tell me I have too much experience, are you?

Mrs. Meacham:
Certainly not - you're perfect for the job.

Brantley Foster:
Great!

Mrs. Meacham:
Except...

Brantley Foster:
No! No exceptions! I want this job, I need it, I can do it. Everywhere I've been today there's always been something wrong, too young, too old, too short, too tall. Whatever the exception is, I can fix it. I can be older, I can be taller, I can be anything.

Mrs. Meacham:
Can you be a minority woman?

Fred Melrose:
Not the suits, man! You never consort with the suits unless they consort with you first.

Brantley Foster:
Wait a minute, that's ridiculous! He's a person, I'm a person. I can't say hello to him?

Fred Melrose:
He's not a person, he's a suit! You're mailroom. No consorting.

Brantley Foster:
Oh, God. What are you doing here?

Vera Prescott:
Brantley, darling, I heard you calling me telepathically - I'm VERY psychic - so of COURSE I rushed right over.

Brantley Foster:
I would've used the phone...

Vera Prescott:
Mental telepathy's much more reliable.

Brantley Foster:
We have a problem.

Vera Prescott:
What?

Brantley Foster:
It's your husband: he's my boss.

Vera Prescott:
O-oh, him. We won't tell him. Besides, Howard's working late tonight - on whom, I have no idea.

Christy Wills:
You want me to spy on him?

Howard Prescott:
No, I don't want you to spy on him. I want you to get to be friends with him, and then rifle through his papers and tell me what you find.

Brantley Foster:
What's up? You seem kind of upset.

Christy Wills:
I hate men.

Brantley Foster:
Well! Glad I'm not one of 'em.

Brantley Foster:
Aunt Vera, listen, since the last time we met there's been a change.

Vera Prescott:
Yes... nice suit, Brantley!

Brantley Foster:
Agh! Ow! Look, what I mean to say is... Oh, Christ! I'm not free any more!

Vera Prescott:
What, you're going to charge me? Oh ho, you're getting awfully cynical - does your mother know about this?

Brantley Foster:
Ohh, no, I am not available.

Vera Prescott:
Oh, good, you're not going to charge me.

Brantley Foster:
Look, I like you, I really like you, but I gotta tell you, I have become seriously and emotionally involved with someone who isn't my aunt.

Vera Prescott:
I forgive you, Brantley.

Vera Prescott:
I'm going to introduce you to the most powerful money men in New York, and if you can do to them what you've done to me...

Brantley Foster:
I can't do that!

Vera Prescott:
I mean bowl them over, darling! You're irresistible when you turn on that boyish charm.

Brantley Foster:
Whoa, whoa, listen, I'm going to need your help, both of you.

Fred Melrose:
Is it something I could get fired for?

Brantley Foster:
Absolutely.

Fred Melrose:
I like it!

Vera Prescott:
Why haven't I met you before?

Fred Melrose:
Baby, you ain't been hangin' out in the mailroom.

Vera Prescott:
Oooh, the "male room." I like that sound!

Brantley Foster aka Carlton Whitfield:
Okay, so you don't eat lunch. Do you eat dinner?

Christy Wills:
Occasionally.

Brantley Foster aka Carlton Whitfield:
Tonight?

Christy Wills:
Booked.

Brantley Foster aka Carlton Whitfield:
Tomorrow night?

Christy Wills:
Booked.

Brantley Foster aka Carlton Whitfield:
All right, but don't beg, okay? It's embarrassing.

Jean:
I was having fun on this job! You had all this energy, and all these crazy ideas... and you kept taking your pants off.

Barney Rattigan:
Any questions?

Brantley Foster aka Carlton Whitfield:
Yeah, what do I call you?

Barney Rattigan:
You call me God.

Vera Prescott:
That was a very expensive vase, you b*tch!

Fred Melrose:
What's in there?

Brantley Foster:
My lunch.

Fred Melrose:
Your lunch? In a briefcase?

Brantley Foster:
Yeah. I ran out of brown bags.

Brantley Foster:
At least I didn't sleep with the boss.

Christy Wills:
No, you slept with the boss's wife!