Seems Like Old Times

Glenda Gardenia Parks:
Chester. You just went through a stop sign.

Chester:
I can't help it. I don't like to read when I drive.

Glenda Gardenia Parks:
I have a headache in my entire body.

Dist. Atty. Ira J. Parks:
Your Honor, this is the kind of testimony that looks silly on the surface.

Judge John Channing:
On the surface, in the middle, and on the bottom.

Judge John Channing:
Can I ask you something, Mr. Gardenia?

Nick Gardenia:
If I can be of any help in this matter, Judge, it's my pleasure.

Judge John Channing:
Were you apprehended or did you surrender?

Nick Gardenia:
I surrendered.

Dist. Atty. Ira J. Parks:
He was apprehended.

Glenda Gardenia Parks:
He was apprehended after he surrendered.

Dist. Atty. Ira J. Parks:
He didn't surrender to me, therefore he was apprehended.

Glenda Gardenia Parks:
He was going to surrender after dinner. I told him to wait in the kitchen.

Judge John Channing:
[Drops pencil in disgust] And did you stay in the kitchen?

Nick Gardenia:
No, I had to serve dinner.

Judge John Channing:
You were serving dinner to the district attorney and his wife?

Nick Gardenia:
Uh-huh... and the Governor.

Judge John Channing:
The Governor? OUR Governor?

Nick Gardenia:
I didn't ask him. He *looked* like our governor.

Dist. Atty. Ira J. Parks:
Your Honor, if we're going to get into such trivialities like our guest list, we might as well discuss what was served.

Nick Gardenia:
Chicken pepperoni, your Honor. The Governor seemed to like it if it has any bearing on the case.

Judge John Channing:
Hold it hold it... would you just hold it? Are you trying to tell me that while every policeman in the state was looking for you, YOU were serving dinner to the district attorney, his wife and our governor? [Chuckles in disbelief] How is that possible?

Nick Gardenia:
Well... you have to prepare everything in advance.

Fred:
What should I do Ira?

Stanley:
What should he do about what.

Glenda Gardenia Parks:
The chicken, Fred is a vegetarian and doesn't know if he should eat it.

Dist. Atty. Ira J. Parks:
Eat the chicken Fred.

Aurora De La Hoya:
Mrs. Parks.

Glenda Gardenia Parks:
WHAT!

Aurora De La Hoya:
Don't snap at me.

Glenda Gardenia Parks:
I'm sorry, I have a headache through my entire body.

B.G. Ramone:
Know you remember where this gun is.

Nick Gardenia:
Right side middle of the ribs

Gas station attendant #1:
What will it be boys

B.G. Ramone:
Fill it up

Nick Gardenia:
Fill it up

Gas station attendant #1:
Regular or Premium?

Nick Gardenia:
Regular

B.G. Ramone:
Premium!

Nick Gardenia:
Premium will be fine

Gas station attendant #1:
Do you want me to check the hood

Nick Gardenia:
Yea

B.G. Ramone:
No

Nick Gardenia:
No its already been checked. Thanks.

Glenda Gardenia Parks:
[Reading Nick's note] "There are some things a man has to do alone. This is not one of them so I'm going for help."

Dist. Atty. Ira J. Parks:
We're going to have a serious conversation tonight.

Glenda Gardenia Parks:
I'm looking forward to it.

Nick Gardenia:
Anything special you'd like for dinner?

Nick Gardenia:
I think the three of us make a wonderful pair.

Dist. Atty. Ira J. Parks:
Is this a gag?

Fred:
This is a government agency... you know we don't have a sense of humor.

Nick Gardenia:
[looks right into camera] Oh Sh**!

Fred:
[looks at Gardenia's image coming off printer] Jeee-sus!

Glenda Gardenia Parks:
Disbarment. Disbarment and disgrace are all that lies ahead.

Nick Gardenia:
[looking ahead] That and a big truck.

Glenda Gardenia Parks:
If you're innocent, they'll never send you to jail.

Nick Gardenia:
Is that how it works, Chester?

Chester:
Not in my neighborhood.

Glenda Gardenia Parks:
Then we have boy, girl, boy, girl, Governor, girl!

Glenda Gardenia Parks:
No kiss, Nick. I'm a married woman with a Governor inside.

Glenda Gardenia Parks:
[after Ira punches out Nicholas] Are you crazy? Are you out of your mind? Who's going to serve the coffee now?

Stanley:
Notice how I remain calm? That's why I'm the Governor.

Judge John Channing:
Something fascinating has just come up, which in this case is redundant.

Chester:
How'd we do boss?

Glenda Gardenia Parks:
We won in overtime. And don't call me boss, didn't you see Roots? Chester, where'd you get that hat?

Chester:
From a chauffeur.

Glenda Gardenia Parks:
You stole it.

Chester:
No, I found it.

Glenda Gardenia Parks:
Where?

Chester:
On a chauffeur.

Glenda Gardenia Parks:
Chester, the only reason I made you a chauffeur is to keep you from stealing. Why are you doing this to me?

Chester:
Because I want to be as good a chauffeur as I am a stealer.

Glenda Gardenia Parks:
Well, there's a certain sincere logic in that I suppose.

Glenda Gardenia Parks:
Are you saying you may not become Attorney General if I make Veal Parmesan?

Dist. Atty. Ira J. Parks:
No, I'm just saying with your ex-husband on the loose we're alot safer, with Chicken Pepperoni!

Glenda Gardenia Parks:
Alright! I'll make it. Only don't make me crazy, I can't cook when I'm crazy.

Dist. Atty. Ira J. Parks:
I'm not making you crazy...

Glenda Gardenia Parks:
Yes, you are! Anyone who forces me to make Chicken Pepperoni is making me crazy, and you, are making me crazy!

[She exits]

Dist. Atty. Ira J. Parks:
I'm not making her crazy.

Glenda Gardenia Parks:
I hope they shoot you! I hope they shoot you in my kitchen! And when they drag your dead body out of here, I hope they shoot you again!

Aurora De La Hoya:
Just keep saying to yourself, Aurora, only 12 more years to retirement.

Dist. Atty. Ira J. Parks:
What's that on your face?

Glenda Gardenia Parks:
What's what on my face?

Dist. Atty. Ira J. Parks:
This. [Wiping car grease off her cheek]

Glenda Gardenia Parks:
Oh, that. That's barbecue sauce.

Dist. Atty. Ira J. Parks:
Black barbecue sauce?

Glenda Gardenia Parks:
Yes. It's mexican. Very hot. Don't eat it.

Dist. Atty. Ira J. Parks:
I wasn't going to.

Dist. Atty. Ira J. Parks:
Why am I always the last one in the neighborhood to get in bed with you?

Thomas:
My cousin's fighting; he's getting the crap kicked out of him.

Glenda Gardenia Parks:
At least he's working!

Dist. Atty. Ira J. Parks:
Sorry. [takes his seat]

Fred:
Sorry. [takes his seat]

Glenda Gardenia Parks:
Sorry. [takes her seat]

Judge John Channing:
Will someone please remove this dog? He's dribbling on my briefs.

Aurora De La Hoya:
He was laying right there, dead as yesterday.

Chester:
We're not even going to touch asphalt!

Stanley:
Glenda, the house looks lovely. What have you done to it?

Glenda Gardenia Parks:
We had it re-shingled.

Chester:
Hot Damn! I finally get a chance to chase the po-lice!

Aurora De La Hoya:
Rapido, rapido, ni?os!

Nick Gardenia:
Easy. Watch the license plate.

Aurora De La Hoya:
He took the broom and went out the back door. He didn't say what he was going to clean up.

Glenda Gardenia Parks:
Oh sh**.

Aurora De La Hoya:
Well, maybe it was.

Dist. Atty. Ira J. Parks:
Is that the good Waterford crystal?

Chester:
Yes, it was.

Glenda Gardenia Parks:
Nick, you mustn't do this. We're in the middle of soup.

Dist. Atty. Ira J. Parks:
The man sleeps under my bed, drives my car, and wears my tuxedo... I just want to meet him. Hold it right there. You're under arrest.

Fred:
The police are on their way

Nick Gardenia:
Didn't like the chicken, huh?