Semi-Pro

Jackie Moon:
Everybody panic! Oh my God, there's a bear loose in the Coliseum! There will be no refunds! Your refund will be escaping this deathtrap with your life! If you have a small child, use it as a shield! They love the tender meat! Cover your sodas! Dewie loves sugar!

Jackie Moon:
Let's get Tropical!

Jackie Moon:
It feels like I got cat piss in my eyes!

Jackie Moon:
When they look back in the anals of history, people are gonna be talking about three things: the discovery of fire, invention of the submarine, and the Flint, Michigan Mega Bowl.

Jackie Moon:
GODDAMN IT, VAKIDIS, LEARN F***IN' ENGLISH!

Jackie Moon:
I'm so excited, I can't even...feel my arms!

Jackie Moon:
EVERYBODY LOVE EVERYBODY!

Jackie Moon:
(to Monix) I wish you were still a washing machine!

Jackie Moon:
SUCK MY COCK, I'LL MURDER YOUR FAMILY!

Jackie Moon:
Heaven wants us to win this game! I'LL BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN!

Jackie Moon:
EVERYBODY PANIC! IT'S JUST LIKE THE TITANIC, BUT IT'S FULL OF BEARS!

Jackie Moon:
If you see a possum, try to kill it. It's not a pet.

Jackie Moon:
SOMEBODY HIT SOMEBODY!

Jackie Moon:
Get the funk outta my face. Get. The. Funk. Outta My Face.

Jackie Moon:
You...motherf***ing cocksuckers!

Lou Redwood:
Well, he sat on the bench, right? I mean, if you watch a porn movie, doesn't mean you got laid.

Dick Pepperfield:
No. No, in fact it often means the opposite.

Lou Redwood:
You know, I might suit up tonight, Dick. Sometimes I still dream of glory.

Dick Pepperfield:
[chuckles] Well, sometimes dreams can turn into nightmares, Lou.

Lou Redwood:
...What's your problem?

Ed Monix:
Jackie, what are you eating?

Jackie:
I think it's a pancake...

Monix:
How long's that been there Jackie?

Jackie:
It's been here a while...

Lou Redwood:
Oh my God...what the f*** is that, it's incredible! [about the fondue he just ate]

Jackie Moon:
It's called fondue.

Lou Redwood:
Fon-what?

Jackie Moon:
Fondue. Three different cheeses, melted together. That's what you're tasting. Gorgonzola, Munster, and cottage.

Bobby Dee:
It's the latest thing from Sweden, apparently.

Dick Pepperfield:
Well, I'm not surprised; those Swedes are so inventive. [others makes noises of agreement]

Bobby Dee:
They are my favorite producers of pornography.

Jackie Moon:
They do make an excellent f*** picture!

Dick Pepperfield:
Well, I think I'll excuse myself from this conversation, right now.

Jackie Moon:
To the men's room.

Dick Pepperfield:
Oh, stop it.

Jackie Moon:
To make your wiener sing...boner machine. [others are laughing]

Dick Pepperfield:
I am not a boner machine!

Lou Redwood:
Swedish porn saved my life in 'Nam. [others groan] Hey, come on, you guys. Swedish porn was the only thing that kept my mind off Charlie while I was in the sh*t.

Bobby Dee:
Is the sh*t in Ann Arbor? Cause that's where you were during the war. [others laugh]

Cornelius Banks:
You were never in 'Nam, you jive turkey. [laughter stops]

Lou Redwood:
[coldly] Did you just call me a jive turkey? [Cornelius shakes his head]

Jackie Moon:
No. No, he did not, he uh...he called you cocksucker. Right Cornelius?

Cornelius Banks:
Yeah, I just called you cocksucker!

Lou Redwood:
Pretty sure you called me a jive turkey.

Dick Pepperfield:
No, no, now Lou, nobody called anyone a J.T.

Lou Redwood:
Jive turkey is a little over the line, my man!

Jackie Moon:
Look. We were all here, we all heard what was said, and we're in agreement, Cornelius said cocksucker. Right?

Bobby Dee:
He just said you suck cock!

Dick Pepperfield:
That's all he said about you!

Jackie Moon:
Come on. Dig into that fondue...little cocksucker. [others laugh]

Lou Redwood:
We like playing games, don't we? [laughing]

Jackie Moon:
It's true, we're playing one right now.

Lou Redwood:
I'm gonna show you guys this game I learned when I was in f***in' 'Nam! [draws a gun and points it at Cornelius] Who's the jive turkey now? [bursts out laughing] Gun's not loaded! [all laugh]

Jackie Moon:
It's not loaded!

Lou Redwood:
You should've seen your goddamn faces! I never load it!

Cornelius Banks:
The gun was not loaded!

Jackie Moon:
I'll see you f***ers in hell. [puts gun to his head and pulls trigger; all laugh]

Bobby Dee:
Jackie, "Love Me Sexy" is the worst song I've ever heard. [aims at Jackie and pulls trigger]

Cornelius Banks:
I did call you jive turkey. [aims gun at Lou, pulls trigger]

Dick Pepperfield:
[playfully, pointing gun at Lou] I know you slept with Mrs. Pepperfield! [pulls trigger] Rrragh!

Lou Redwood:
[laughing] We're saying nutty things 'cause they're not true...especially that, more than the rest.

Jackie Moon:
Hey. Bond, James Bond. Eh? [rests gun on forearm]

Dick Pepperfield:
How do you like your martinis, sir?

Jackie Moon:
Stirred, in a half carafe. [aims gun at crotch and pulls trigger]

Cornelius Banks:
He shoots himself!

Jackie Moon:
He shoots himself in the wiener! [tosses gun down and it goes off suddenly]

Jackie:
There'll be a lotta television cameras out there so we just gotta be tip top.

Clarence Coffee Black:
So what's the plan?

Jackie:
Brought a secret weapon. It's going to make us look extra cool on TV.

Bee Bee Ellis:
What the hell is that?

Jackie:
It's eyeliner, dummy! Now who's first? Monix?

Monix:
Oh, yeah... Let me get a fresh Maxi-Pad outta my purse.

Monix:
Vakidis, open the window, will ya?

Vakidis:
Yes, right on! (does nothing)

Monix:
Vakidis, did you give Bobby Dee a handjob?

Vakidis:
Yes, right on!

Dick Pepperfield:
Lou, would you mind putting out that cigarette, it's very unprofessional.

Lou Redwood:
No, I like to smoke when I drink.

Lou Redwood:
Jackie Moon is Flint's favorite son. And he has done more for this city than any human being who's ever lived on this planet!

Dick Pepperfield:
With the possible exception of, uh, Henry Ford...Jackie Moon has done a lot for this city, you're right about that.

Dick Pepperfield:
He scares me!

Lou Redwood:
That little kid from the Jackson 5, he scares ya too.

Dick Pepperfield:
Oh, mark my words, Lou, there's something very creepy about that young man.

Petrelli:
How come it says "Monix" on your jersey when your name's "P*ssy"?

Cornelius Banks:
Ohhhh, I did get shot!

Dick Pepperfield:
Jackie's teammates doing just an awful job of stabilizing his spine as they carry him off the court.

Alan the Commissioner:
No, no, Jackie, don't bite yourself!

Dick Pepperfield:
Here comes the Alley...and there goes the Oop!

Clarence Coffee Black:
Who the f*** is Bambi?