Sharktopus

Captain Jack:
You're not punking me on this thing?

Stephie:
No.

Captain Jack:
Stephie, this has to be a hoax, okay? It's gotta be. There's no way a shark-octopus fishy thing really exists.

Stephie:
Well, I hope you're right.

Captain Jack:
Trust me, okay? There is no such thing as a sharktopus.

[the sharktopus grabs and pulls him into the water]

Stacy Everheart:
What about my story?

Andy Flynn:
No names, no interviews.

Stacy Everheart:
Then what the hell do I get?

Andy Flynn:
Exclusive footage of Sharktopus getting shot to hell.

Nathan Sands:
Make me proud, pumpkin.

Nicole Sands:
I told you to stop calling me that.

Nathan Sands:
Make me proud, Nicole.

Pez:
What can I do for you, angel?

Stacy Everheart:
First, Pez, you can stop staring at my rack. They're just b*obs. They're not gonna get up and dance or anything.

Stacy Everheart:
Oh, Pez, I could just hug you right now. I mean, if you were better looking and had better hygiene.

Bones:
Were you a lawyer in a past life? Or no, maybe you worked at the DMV. Do you feel nothing, Stacy? That guy was killed in front of us inches away. Inches away! Gosh. He was kind of a nice guy, you know? Smell a little funky, but he was okay. Now he's dead.

Stacy Everheart:
And that's tragic truly. But the story of a lifetime is right out that door. And we can find it thanks to Pez's map.

Bones:
No, no.

Stacy Everheart:
Oh, come on, Bones. He would've wanted it this way. Don't let his death mean nothing.

Bones:
You are so full of crap.

Stacy Everheart:
I know, but you're coming with me anyway.

Bones:
Hell not!

Captain Jack:
Attention all hands. This is your captain speaking. We're getting more reports of this half shark, half octopus creature that's terrorizing the coast, but please don't panic. There is a way we can stop this thing. Virgin sacrifices. Yes, the Mexican Fish and Game Commission assures me the only way to appease this beast is to offer it a beautiful virgin, preferably 18 to 25 years old. I repeat - sharktopus wants our virgins.

Painter Walt:
Oh no, not like this! Arrrgghhhhhh!