She Spies

D.D. Cummings:
That's insane.

Meelbow:
No more insane then three beautiful ex-cons working for a clandestine government organization., trying to rid the world of all wrongdoing.

Everyone:
Umm, yeah, yep. Pretty much.

Jack Wilde:
Ladies, I have a bone to pick with you.

Cassie McBain:
Darn, I was hoping to have a boneless day.

Jack Wilde:
If he gets those hands on those trade secrets the livelihoods of thousands of factory workers are at stake.

Cassie McBain:
So is this another one of those conversations where we both know all these things but for some reason we have to say them out loud?

Jack Wilde:
Yeah, I guess so.

Cassie McBain:
And you don't want to see me mad. Do you know why?

Karg:
Why?

Cassie McBain:
Because mad is bad. Repeat after me. 'Mad is bad.'

Karg:
'Mad is bad'?

Cassie McBain:
Louder.

Karg:
Mad is bad.

Cassie McBain:
That's good.

Karg:
Mad is good?

Cassie McBain:
Of course not. It's bad.

Karg:
Mad is bad or mad is good?

Cassie McBain:
Mad is bad and that's what good.

Karg:
It's good that it's bad?

Cassie McBain:
And it's bad that it's good.

Karg:
Mad is bad, and bad is good, so that means that mad is good for being bad.

Cassie McBain:
And don't you forget it.

Shane Phillips:
It's sleaze like that that gives sleaze like us a bad name.

Jack Wilde:
Yeah, well, contact your union.

Amy:
Who the hell are you people?

Shane Phillips:
We're ex-cons working for a clandestine group to take down low-lifes likes you.

Mica Divornak:
That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Cassie McBain:
Yeah, everyone always says that.

Shane Phillips:
Right before we kick their asses.

Cassie McBain:
There are things I'd rather be doing than dying.

Shane Phillips:
Playing miniature golf.

Cassie McBain:
Wallpapering the guest bedroom.

Shane Phillips:
Watching the second season of 'The Bachelor.' [pause] Nah.

Cassie McBain:
Rather be dying.

D.D. Cummings:
We're going to watch some fun and age-appropriate TV... We so don't want to watch two soap stars talking about having an affair.

[changes channel] Or someone planning a murder. [changes channel] Or discussing incest. [changes channel] Or planning to murder someone they had an incestuous affair with. [changes channel] Or talk shows about cross-dressers. [changes channel] Or talk shows about incestuous cross-dressers who murder. [changes channel] Or divorce court. Or people's court. [changes channel] Or recreated murders that end up in court. [changes channel] Or Cedric.

Shane Phillips:
We've got 'She Spy' action figures.

D.D. Cummings:
We have 'She Spy' action figures?

Shane Phillips:
Yeah. You wind them up and they dare you to find their time slot.

Cassie McBain:
I love a man who's mildly assertive. No, I don't. I always get those two confused.

Jack Wilde:
You said you wanted to butter up the boss, I didn't know you meant it literally.

Tanya:
You should be thankful, you know. In some species the female eats the male after mating.

Jack Wilde:
And not in the way we like it.

Cassie McBain:
It looks like something Kandinsky threw up on. What? Dennis Miller's gone, somebody's got to make pretentious semi-obscure references.

Jack Wilde:
Who do you wreak havoc and destruction wherever you go?

D.D. Cummings:
It's what we love.

Shane Phillips:
Why don't you leave the whole 'I'm too good for the whole world' look to the professionals?

Andrea:
And maybe you should leave that sassy but Sassoon look to the late night action adventure shows?

D.D. Cummings:
It'd be really great if there was something really hard and really scary that you had to do, and you could somehow zoom to the part where you're done and you're fine.

[jump-cut from them on the roof of a building to inside]

Cassie McBain:
That worked great!

Shane Phillips:
That reminds me of what I miss most about prison

D.D. Cummings:
Shaving your legs?

Shane Phillips:
Okay, second most.

Cassie McBain:
[preparing to houseclean] It's 2100 hours. We all know our assignments. With a precise coordinated attack we should be able to complete our attack by 0300 hours. Ready? (sits down) Or we could just relax, watch 'Sex and the City', and hope the cleaning fairies show up tonight.

D.D. Cummings:
So we've gone from imprisoned hardened couch potatoes to freedom-loving couch potatoes?

Cassie McBain:
Yeah, but now we have the choice to be worthless and lazy.

D.D. Cummings:
You know, I used to clean my own cell. I was once even named 'Inmate of the Month'. Never got to use the parking space, though.

D.D. Cummings:
What's a plethora?

Shane Phillips:
"Flora" with a lisp.

Jack Wilde:
Give me a J.Lo.

Bartender:
What's that?

Jack Wilde:
Whatever you want - just put it in a big-ass glass.

Cassie McBain:
Sorry, it's just not one of those stories you enjoy retelling... [cut to flashback] but I'll try.

Shane Phillips:
What's going on?

Cassie McBain:
It's a flashback. If we were on TV, there'd be those fuzzy little edges all around the picture.

D.D. Cummings:
Wow...

Jack Wilde:
In regards to our roles, maybe we should be wacky siblings?

Cassie McBain:
Can we still be married?

Jack Wilde:
In certain parts of Kentucky and West Virginia. And for anyone from those lovely states who might have overheard, I was of course making a joke.

Murray:
"Courtesy is the weakness of the noble." I always wanted to say that after a cool fight.

[in the middle of a clip episode]

Jack Wilde:
That's odd - my memory seems to be coming back in perfectly-packaged little scenes.

Jack Wilde:
I work with a team... three people. One black, one white... but two are blonde which would rule out the Mod Squad.

Jack Wilde:
Hey! Come back here. I ordered a Diet Coke. Not this generic and fizz-free soft drink that looks like a prop on some first-run syndicated TV show.

[to a suspect]

Shane Phillips:
You've got a record longer than In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida.

Jack Wilde:
Dr. Franco, it's happening again. The unshakeable feeling I'm a sidekick whose only purpose is to give exposition in an action-adventure show!

[watching a tape of Indigo]

D.D. Cummings:
Why is he telling us exactly what he's going to do?

Shane Phillips:
That's cocky.

Indigo:
I'll tell you why and yes, it is cocky. I'm so good at outguessing you authority types I knew what your last two statements were.

Jack Wilde:
He is good.

Indigo:
[still on tape] Aren't I just?

Shane Phillips:
This is torture!

Nicky:
Torture, nah, recovering for a month in a hospital bed after a job, losing the remote, and having to sit through a TVLand marathon of "The Wayan Brothers" - now that's torture.

Jack Wilde:
[voiceover] While both sides have valid points of view, the producers of 'She Spies' wish to state that we take no stand whatsoever on the issue of animal testing, as we lack the moral fiber to take a strong position on anything at all.

Margo:
If my father would have relaxed every now and then, maybe he wouldn't have put that gun in his mouth.

Cassie McBain:
Your father committed suicide?

Margo:
No, just put a gun in his mouth. Was going for a world record with a Winchester rifle - all he could manage was a Colt .45. I tell you, that man had cheeks like a Hefty Bag.

Cassie McBain:
And how many double agents can you have before everybody is just a double-agent, and nobody's just an agent-agent anymore?

Shane Phillips:
(thinks about it) Six.

Cassie McBain:
Really? I didn't know that.

Shane Phillips:
I'm pretty sure it's in the handbook.

Cassie McBain:
[hitting a bad guy with a sled named Rosebud] I just Kaned a Citizen. I love action quips.

D.D. Cummings:
Don't drink that!

James Green:
Why not?

D.D. Cummings:
Why not?

James Green:
Yes, why not?

D.D. Cummings:
Why not what?

James Green:
Why not drink that?

D.D. Cummings:
Why not drink what?

James Green:
Why not drink that.

D.D. Cummings:
Why not drink that?

James Green:
Yes, why not drink that.

D.D. Cummings:
Why not drink what?

James Green:
Why not drink that.

D.D. Cummings:
This isn't very good banter, is it.

James Green:
Not really. Maybe we should move on.

Jack Wilde:
Ooh. Refresh my memory - middle finger straight up mean you're number one in customer satisfaction?

Jack Wilde:
So what you're saying is, if we we start with how, that'll help us figure out who, when, where, and why?

Dr. Marks:
Forget about who - when we find out the where, we'll know the who.

Jack Wilde:
How will where tell us who?

Dr. Marks:
Isn't this getting a little bit convoluted?

Jack Wilde:
How?

Dr. Marks:
How?

Jack Wilde:
Or why?

Dr. Marks:
What?

Jack Wilde:
I don't know.

Shane Phillips:
You don't even care if I understand your jokes, right?

D.D. Cummings:
I care - but it's not critical.

Cassie McBain:
Would've been better with ninjas.

Shane Phillips:
That's what we were saying.

D.D. Cummings:
You think so too?

Cassie McBain:
Absolutely, the noises they make and the way they always travel in groups. And how about how they let one finish fighting before the other jumps in

Shane Phillips:
Yeah, we forgot about that. They are so polite.

D.D. Cummings:
I like that about ninjas.

D.D. Cummings:
Do you guys think I should wear a strapless bra or an underwire bra with this dress? Because the dress is tight, you know? On the one hand I should have support because I don't want things looking droopy, but on the other hand the shoulders are bared so I don't want to show straps. Wait a minute! What am I talking about? Me, in a bra?

Kelly Sawyer:
I guess you've heard of cryogenics?

Cassie McBain:
Sure we have; the human snowcone, the freeze-dried nuts, the people who get frostbite *after* they die.

D.D. Cummings:
Walt Disney did it; who's next, Michael Ice-ner?

Cassie McBain:
The only people who've done that are absolute zeros.

D.D. Cummings:
Or people with bi-polar personalities.

Kelly Sawyer:
What were they in jail for, was it beating a joke to death?

Cassie McBain:
What a day, huh? Parachuting into a cemetary because the perimeter was guarded and it was our only way in, and exposing a deadly double agent who was trying to elude capture by faking his own death and being buried with an oxygen tank, only to be dug up later.

D.D. Cummings:
We knew all that, you know.

Cassie McBain:
I know. I'm just saying it for anyone who might've been wondering why we're going through all that trouble.

Shane Phillips:
Who'd be wondering?

Cassie McBain:
I don't know, anyone. [pauses and looks around] Look, I've never told you guys this, it's kind of embarrassing. Sometimes I get the weirdest feeling like people are watching us, like they're listening in on every single thing we do or say.

Shane Phillips:
Yeah, I get that feeling, too.

D.D. Cummings:
So do I.

[all 3 turn to look suspiciously into the camera]

Cassie McBain:
Creepy, huh?

D.D. Cummings:
Yeah, very.

Shane Phillips:
My hair's a mess.

Cassie McBain:
Careful is my middle name.

[to Shane]

Cassie McBain:
Changed it from Lillian.

Shane Phillips:
Good thinking.

Shane Phillips:
You know what I hate?

Cassie McBain:
The systemic anger and alienation in today's younger generation?

D.D. Cummings:
The rapidly increasing national debt and its effect on our health and welfare programs?

Cassie McBain:
Those tiny little hairs that grow on your earlobe?

Jack Wilde:
Spy number one's a local girl made bad, who rebelled against her rich parents, found success as a master thief, and once crippled a man she claims was trying to assault her. Watch out, fellas. More than just a token African-American, she's proficient in Brazilian jujitsu and makes a wonderful peach cobbler. Say hello to Shane! Spy number two comes to us from Washington, D.C., where she was indicted on six counts of stealing state secrets from a government database. An expert in computer hacking and foreign languages, she loves volleyball and dancing the rumba. Say hello to D.D.! And last but certainly not least, spy number three. Hailing from Aspen, Colorado, this former Phi Delta Gamma earned her three trips to prison by conning millions of dollars from greedy bankers and C.E.O.s. She loves slipping into other personas and walks on the beach. Let's give a big hand to Cassie!

Cassie McBain:
Come on, Shane, not every elected official is a skirt-chasing liar who preaches virtues he doesn't live up to. I mean, it's that 99 percent of the politicians that give the others a bad idea.

Shane Phillips:
Any suspects?

Jack Wilde:
A few. The Liberation People's Front, the Hammer of God right-wing paramilitary group, the Mallet of God left-wing separatists, the Screaming Banshees of Death - they're actually quite moderate - twenty-four members of the State House, thirty-two members of the State Senate, five Supreme Court justices, disgruntled postmaster general, the National Organization for Women, Bill O'Reilly, Bill Buckley, Billy Baldwin, Natalie Portman, Shannon Elizabeth, Kirsten Dunst, Jim Bailey - don't ask. His high-school homeroom teacher, his college Poli-Sci teacher...

D.D. Cummings:
I especially appreciate the way you hung in there when things got tough. You did some of your best work with your back against the wall.

Governor Gary McNamara:
Well, thanks very much, D.D. Perhaps some day soon I'll be able to do some of my best work with your back against the wall.

Barry Sharpman:
That's interesting. People normally talk to me five, six minutes before they decide not to like me.

Shane Phillips:
I work in a network so I'm not that patient.

Governor Gary McNamara:
But there's a number of people who still think I should be President.

Cassie McBain:
There are a number of people who eat other people, doesn't mean I'd put it on the ballot.

Jack Wilde:
We've got word that there's going to be an attempt on the Governor during the show, and they've already started taping.

D.D. Cummings:
What do you mean, you "got word"? From where?

Jack Wilde:
Never mind.

Shane Phillips:
No, no, really. How do you "get word" on something like that?

Jack Wilde:
Never mind.

Cassie McBain:
And how come you always "get word" part of it? You always know what's going to happen but never who's doing it or how.

Jack Wilde:
I said never mind. Can we get over there, please?

D.D. Cummings:
We're just a little confused.

Jimmy Onassis:
I don't care what anyone says. Hollywood is a magical place full of magical people, and they deserve all the awards they give themselves.

Cassie McBain:
It's perfectly simple King, Cafe Ha-Hollywood has a quid pro quo with the HMO so you pay no dough and you know when you go your teeth will glow for tonight's big show.

Elvis Presley Ventriloquist:
[Confused] Once more time, but slow.

Cassie McBain:
No cash flow, keep costs low, teeth clean so, impress front row.

Elvis Presley Ventriloquist:
Whoa!

Elaine:
Wow! You guys get paid to hurt people! Can I be a She Spies?

Elaine:
I'm sorry, we haven't scheduled any time for a seizure.