Sideways

Jack:
You gotta help me! You gotta help me!

Jack:
Did you drink and dial?

Jack:
If they want to drink Merlot, we're drinking Merlot.

Miles Raymond:
No, if anyone orders Merlot, I'm leaving. I am NOT drinking any f***ing Merlot!

Maya:
What's the title?

Miles Raymond:
The Day After Yesterday.

Maya:
Oh... You mean today?

Jack:
Pinot noir? Then why is it white?

Miles Raymond:
Give me a world!

Jack:
I might be in love with another woman.

Miles Raymond:
In love? Really? 24 hours with some wine-pourer chick and you're f***ing in love? Come on! And you're gonna give up everything?

Jack:
Here's what I'm thinking: you and me, we move up here, we buy a vineyard. You design the wine; I'll handle the business side. You get inspired, maybe write another novel, one that can sell.

Miles Raymond:
Oh, my God. No, no.

Jack:
As for me, if an audition comes up, LA's right there, man. It's two hours away, not even.

Miles Raymond:
Jesus Christ, you're crazy. You're crazy. You've gone crazy.

Jack:
All I know is that I'm an actor. All I have is my instinct. You're asking me to go against it.

Miles Raymond:
Quaffable, but uh... far from transcendent.

Miles Raymond:
This weekend is not about me. It is about you. I'm gonna show you a good time. We're gonna drink a lot of good wine. We're gonna play some golf. We're gonna eat some great food and enjoy the scenery and we are going to send you off in style, mon frere.

Jack:
And get your bone smooched.

Jack:
Are you still seeing that shrink?

Miles Raymond:
I saw him on Monday. I spent most of the time helping him with his computer.

Jack:
Well, I say, f*** therapy. And what is that stuff you take... Xanax?

Miles Raymond:
And Lexapro, yes.

Jack:
Well, I say, f*** that too. You need to get your joint worked on, Miles.

Jack:
Speak for yourself. I get chicks lookin' at me all the time. All ages. Dudes too.

Miles Raymond:
Well, it's not worth it. You pay too big a price. It's never free.

Jack:
You need to get laid, Miles. You know what? That's going to be my best man gift to you this week. I'm gonna get you laid.

Miles Raymond:
Wonderful.

Jack:
I'm not gonna get you a gift certificate or a pen knife or any of that other horse sh*t.

Miles Raymond:
I'd rather have a knife.

Jack:
You need to get laid, Miles. You know what? That's gonna be my best-man gift to you this week. I'm gonna get you laid. I'm not gonna get you a gift certificate or a pen knife or any of that other horse sh*t.

Miles Raymond:
I'd rather have a knife.

Jack:
Bet ya that chick's two tons of fun. You know, the grateful type?

Jack:
F***ing chick's married, man.

Miles Raymond:
What?

Jack:
Her husband works a night shift or something, and he comes home and catches me on the floor with my cock in his wife's ass.

Miles Raymond:
Oh, Jesus Christ.

Miles Raymond:
She tell you she was married?

Jack:
Yeah.

Miles Raymond:
So what the f*** were you thinking?

Jack:
Wasn't supposed to be back 'til six. F***er rolls in at five.

Miles Raymond:
Well, the world doesn't give a sh*t what I have to say. I'm not necessary. Had. I'm so insignificant I can't even kill myself.

Jack:
Miles, what the hell is that supposed to mean?

Miles Raymond:
Come on, man. You know. Hemingway, Sexton, Plath, Woolf. You can't kill yourself before you're even published.

Jack:
What about the guy who wrote Confederacy of Dunces? He killed himself before he was published. Look how famous he is.

Miles Raymond:
Thanks.

Jack:
Just don't give up, alright? You're gonna make it.

Miles Raymond:
Half my life is over and I have nothing to show for it. Nothing. I'am thumbprint on the window of a skyscraper. I'm a smudge of excrement on a tissue surging out to sea with a million tons of raw sewage.

Jack:
See? Right there. Just what you just said. That is beautiful. 'A smudge of excrement... surging out to sea.'

Miles Raymond:
Yeah.

Jack:
I could never write that.

Miles Raymond:
Neither could I, actually. I think it's Bukowsky.

Miles Raymond:
What the f***? WHAT THE F***?

Miles Raymond:
Oh, this is my friend Jack. Jack, Maya.

Jack:
Hiya.

Jack:
You don't understand my plight.

Miles Raymond:
F***.

Jack:
I'm trying to get you laid, I'd appreciate a little help!

Cammi:
And here are your handy wipes.

Jack:
Oh, so that's what these are. For a minute there I thought you guys were promoting safe sex.

Miles Raymond:
Citrus, passion fruit, just the faintest soupÁon of asparagus, and, like, a nutty Edam cheese.

Miles Raymond:
...Are you chewing gum?

Miles Raymond:
Why didn't I get hurt?

Jack:
You were wearing your seatbelt.

Jack:
Don't you just want to feel that cozy little box grip down on your johnson?

Vacationing Dr. Walt Hendricks:
Hey, you mind keeping it down, buddy?

Maya:
Wow, this is really starting to open up, what do you think? I started to appreciate the life of wine, that it's a living thing, that it connects you more to life. I like to think about what was going on the year the grapes were growing. I like the think about how the sun was shining that summer and what the weather was like. I think about all those people who tended and picked the grapes. And if it's an old wine, how many of them must be dead by now. I love how wine continues to evolve, how if I open a bottle the wine will taste different than if I had uncorked it on any other day, or at any other moment. A bottle of wine is like life itself - it grows up, evolves and gains complexity. Then it tastes so f***ing good.

Stephanie:
You're getting married?

Miles Raymond:
Now the cards are on the table.

Jack:
Yes, they are.

Jack:
Consult your doctor before using this product. Side effects may include oily discharge, hives, loss of appetite, low blood pressure. If you have diabetes or a history of kidney trouble, you're dead, a**hole!

I need to be spanked

I’m hungry