Sinderella Live

PC Lifelike:
When do you overtake on the left?

Baron Hardon:
[shouting] WHEN THE BASTARD IN FRONT WON'T MOVE OVER!

Sinderella:
You can't!

Buttons:
[to audience] What did she call me, children?

Sinderella:
[more slowly] No! No, Buttons - you *can't*!

Buttons:
[to audience] She's called me an even bigger one now!

Ugly Sister, Ugly Sister:
[to audience] Cinderella will not go to the ball!

Audience members:
Oh, yes she will!

Ugly Sister, Ugly Sister:
Oh, no she f***ing won't!

Sinderella:
Oh, Buttons! I did so want to go to the ball!

Buttons:
Bastards! When I see them, do you know what I'm gonna do?

[Camilla and Madonna approach Buttons with machine guns]

Buttons:
Sh*t myself!

[Camilla motions to Madonna to walk away; they do so]

Ugly Sister:
[flipping the V-sign before walking off] Bollocks!

PC Lifelike:
How do you overcome drowsiness while driving on the motorway?

Baron Hardon:
You finger... You finger the hitch-hiker!

[after a very awkward pause]

Buttons:
He didn't read any of his bloody script! You *fondle* the hitch-hiker! *Fondle*!

Baron Hardon:
[doing hand actions] You fondle, I f***ing finger!

[Everyone else laughs; Baron Hardon then licks his finger]

Buttons, Fairy Godmother, PC Lifelike:
[in disgust] OH!

Sinderella:
[under audience laughter, continuing for the next few lines] Oh, Buttons! I did so want to go to the ball!

Buttons:
[to audience] All together...

Buttons, Audience:
[in unison] BASTARDS!

Buttons:
Do you know when I see them, do you know what I'm gonna do?

[Camilla runs on stage and moons the audience with the words F*** OFF written on her backside, then runs off stage again as Madonna pops her head outside the proscenium arch and Buttons laughs uncontrollably]

Madonna:
[flipping the V-sign] Bollocks!

[as the band starts playing "Up Where We Belong"]

Buttons:
[to audience] This is a nice song; this is called "Up Where We Belong". From a Tampax advert. With no strings attached!

Camilla:
Haven't you heard, Sinderella? Prince Charles is giving a...

Madonna:
[correcting Camilla] "Charming".

Camilla:
Prince Charming...

[Audience laughs and heckles]

Camilla:
[to an audience member] All right, you prick, I made a mistake! Don't get clever!

[Audience laughs again]

Camilla:
Prince Charming is giving a party.

Sinderella:
Really?

Camilla:
Yes. And Prince Charles might be there.

[Camilla gives a backwards V-sign to the audience]

Camilla:
And we're going. But you're not.

[Audience expresses sympathy for Sinderella]

Madonna:
[to audience] Oh, for Christ's sake, act your age! Just listen to you!