Six Feet Under

Brenda:
The future is just a f***ing concept that we use to avoid living today.

[Parker is about to have sex]

Guy at party:
How old are you?

Parker:
How old do you want me to be?

Claire:
Well, isn't it comforting to know that being miserable is still better than being an idiot?

Claire:
If we live our lives the right way then everything we do can become a work of art.

Celeste:
[on the phone] Fine, I'll do the crappy Kids Choice Awards, but I'm not presenting with Hilary f***ing Duff.

Celeste:
Creepy Colin Farrell just left me another creepy message; can't we do something about that, y'know legally?

[holding picture]

Nate:
There's something weird about twins, about these twins anyway.

[shows picture to Brenda]

Brenda:
They're cute.

Nate:
They smell like bananas.

Claire:
You know, at first I was worried, but now I'm just pissed.

Maggie Sibley:
I know that if you think life's a vending machine where you put in virtue and take out happiness then you're going to be disappointed.

Officer Keith Charles:
[talking to David about marriage] You're in my will, I'm in yours. We basically are married, even if the law refuses to recognize it. But then again, I refuse to recognize most of the Bush Administration. I guess it all evens out.

Nate:
Why do you treat me like sh*t all the time, Brenda?

Brenda:
Because I've had a really f***ed-up life and I need sarcasm to hide how ridiculously miserable I am!

George Sibley:
I've made a lot of enemies through the years. You take the backstabbing world of academia, throw in a controversial field like geology and you've got real trouble.

Claire:
Geology is controversial?

George Sibley:
Oil, Claire. Oil.

Celeste:
You ever been with a woman?

Officer Keith Charles:
Of course.

Celeste:
I don't get f***ed in the ass.

Officer Keith Charles:
That makes one of us.

[repeated line]

Ruth Fisher:
Really and truly?

Lisa Kimmel Fisher:
[about Brenda's miscarriage days before her wedding] You don't have to worry about a thing like my wedding. I had a three-month old baby when I got married, so it was a *much* happier event, obviously, really joyful. It all came very naturally to me, but I was always maternal, unlike you.

Brenda Chenowith:
I'm f***ing maternal!

Lisa Kimmel Fisher:
[about Brenda's previous promiscuity and recent miscarriage] Your insides must have gotten damaged from all that anonymous cock!

Brenda Chenowith:
You're just bitter because you had to get pregnant to get Nate to marry you.

Lisa Kimmel Fisher:
I'm bitter? Who's drunk and yelling at a dead woman?

Marc's Boyfriend:
[of a blaring car stereo] Hey, so, does bad music make people deaf or do deaf people just have really bad taste in music?

Marc Foster:
Well, there is Beethoven...

Federico Diaz:
[to a gay-bashed corpse] OK, Cinderella. We're gonna have to work overtime to get you ready for the ball, because men don't make passes at girls with big gashes!

Fundamentalist #1:
God killed Marc Foster, and I'm here to celebrate.

David Fisher:
[punches fundamentalist] God just shoved your stomach into your lungs, and I'm here to celebrate!

Nate:
[crying] Kurt Cobain killed himself today. He was just too pure for this world.

Young Claire:
Well, his music will live on, right?

Nate:
Yeah.

Ruth Fisher:
Claire... wake up! We're leaving, pack up!

Claire Fisher:
Oh, my God, Mom, I feel like Anne Frank!

Ruth Fisher:
If you don't hurry, we'll have to go spinning!

Claire Fisher:
Oh, my God!

Claire Fisher:
I know stealing a foot is weird. But, hello, living in a house where a foot is available to be stolen is weird.

Nate Fisher:
[just after leaving David and Keith] Oh, my God, I think David is gay!

Brenda Chenowith:
I think David is lucky; did you get a look at that guy he was with?

Nate:
[Introducing Brenda to David and Keith] This is Brenda, my, uh, my girlfriend.

Brenda:
I prefer the term f*** puppet.

Brenda Chenowith:
You don't really believe in god do you?

Nate Fisher:
Well yeah. I mean, I don't believe in some bearded old white man up in a cloud, but I believe in something, some sort of undefinable creative force.

Brenda Chenowith:
I think it's just all totally random.

Nate Fisher:
Really?

Brenda Chenowith:
Yeah. We live, we die, ultimately nothing means anything.

Nate Fisher:
How can you live like that?

Brenda Chenowith:
I dunno, sometimes I wake up so f***ing empty I wish I'd never been born, but what choice do I have?

Nate:
[appraising David's allegedly accidental new growth of facial hair] What time's your date?

David:
Who said I have a date? [Nate looks skeptical] Tonight. Dinner.

Nate:
[nods, looks again] Nah, it's a little too soon. The whole "Oops, I didn't know I was sexy" stubble look will actually peak at around... noon tomorrow. Believe me, I've perfected the art. Can you make it drinks after dinner? That'll give you another couple hours.

Brenda:
[handing her mother a cactus] I got this for you. It doesn't need watering or caring about in any way.

Nate:
[of his illness] Every time I get a headache, I'm thinking this could be it.

Rabbi Ari:
You must be really scared.

Nate:
Yeah, I'm going to die.

Rabbi Ari:
Yeah, me too.

Nate:
Really? What do you have?

Rabbi Ari:
A body.

Federico Diaz:
[after realizing his "macho" cousin is gay] What the f***?... What the f***ing f***?...

Sarah O'Connor:
[Sarah and Claire are talking about Ruth] I think she hides inside of herself because she's so afraid we'll reject her. So let's don't, okay?

Brenda:
[sparking up] Sorry, he's obviously off his meds.

Nate:
What, intentionally?

Brenda:
No, it happens occassionally, it's been a while.

Nate:
Uh Brenda, come on!

Brenda:
Sorry Nate, I can't. I'm all he's got when he's like this.

Nate:
You are letting him manipulate you.

Brenda:
You don't know him. You don't know what he's doing.

Nate:
Well I know he didn't like me, and I have a feeling he doesn't like any man in your life, am I right?

Brenda:
...

Nate:
Answer me!

Brenda:
What, you think I f***ed my brother?

Nate:
Jesus, I never said that!

Brenda:
Nate, he's sick! He's my brother and he's sick, and he needs me! This is who I am, this is what you get...

David Fisher:
[recording an answering machine message] Hi, it's David and Keith, but we can't come to the phone right now because we're too *gay*.

David Fisher:
I have to get control of myself.

Claire Fisher:
No, David, if you were any more controlled, you'd be a sculpture. You know what? Last night I had a humiliating homosexual experience of my own.

David Fisher:
Seriously? What happened?

Claire Fisher:
Not much. I never even went down on her.

David Fisher:
You can stop there.

Ruth Fisher:
I want to know why your other wives left you!

George Sibley:
Because they asked too many f***ing questions!

Claire Fisher:
I wish I was gay.

David Fisher:
Ohh, no.

Claire Fisher:
Well, then I wouldn't have to deal with unfamiliar sex organs!

David Fisher:
They're all unfamiliar unless they're yours.

Celeste:
[while seducing Keith] I don't get f***ed in the ass.

Keith Charles:
That makes one of us.

David Fisher:
What are you doing?

Sarge:
Gotta bunk with a guy from my team. More tourney this week and I don't wanna get my ass lit up at the top of the action. Gotta focus, stay tight, stay alive. Game on.

David Fisher:
Well, stay here. You can't go already, I want you to stay.

Sarge:
Yeah, I get that, but - like... no.

George Sibley:
What do you call an Italian hooker? [Ruth looks at him but doesn't answer] A pasta-tute.

Ruth Fisher:
That kind of humour doesn't really appeal to me, George.

George Sibley:
I guess it's not that funny.

Ruth Fisher:
You're Goddamn right it's not funny! None of this is funny! You tricked me into marrying you! You knew you were crazy and didn't tell me, and now I have to take care of you for the rest of my life! What did I do to f***ing deserve this!

Taylor:
[curiously] My mom says my uncle Keith is a punk-ass fudge packer, because he likes men instead of women. Does that mean that you're a punk-ass fudge packer, too?

Nate Fisher:
Yeah, I'll have a double dub - uh - uh - a - a Chubby - a double Chubby - a Chubby Chubby - a double double - a double chubby - a chubby chubby - a chub - I'll have a doub - I'll have a double Chubby cheeseburger. [scrunches eyes, in a major headache] Oh, f*** me!

Margaret Chenowith:
[her and Bern's rules for having sex with others] You can't f*** my friends, I can't f*** yours. No f***ing of mutual friends. Never in Hawaii. Never in a hotel that costs more than $300 a night. And never in a hotel that's under $75 a night. Not on holidays. And there are others, I just can't remember all of them at the moment.

Brenda Chenowith:
Why am I here? Why was it necessary for me to be here with you for this? Because you needed a f***ing audience!

Margaret Chenowith:
Not everything is about you, Brenda.

Brenda Chenowith:
Look at mammy! Isn't mammy pretty? Isn't mammy fabulous, free spirited and uninhibited. Validate mammy kids, because she's incapable of doing it herself. No wonder Billy ended up in a psych ward. Not that you care!

Margaret Chenowith:
For you information, miss high-and-mighty: this is life! People have crises, they push each other's buttons, they inflict pain on one another and once in a f***ing blue moon they bring out the best in each other. But mostly they bring out the worst.

Brenda Chenowith:
You're pathetic.

Margaret Chenowith:
Don't you dare judge me! You think you're the paragon of mental health because you have been dating the same man for the past few months. That's real, compared to what your father and I have?

Brenda Chenowith:
You're just jealous.

Margaret Chenowith:
Pfff... Of what?

Brenda Chenowith:
Of the fact that I haven't allowed you to totally destroy my life like you have everybody else's.

Margaret Chenowith:
What life? You've spent thirty-two years being your little brother's nurse maid...

Brenda Chenowith:
F*** you!

Margaret Chenowith:
...only to avoid having any emotional life of your own. And now that he's been put a away, you're gonna have to face your own demons. And sweetheart, they are legion! [Brenda slaps her mother in the face] Get out of my car!

Brenda Chenowith:
I'd be happy to.

Officer Keith Charles:
[They look at themselves in a mirror] Look at us. You know what we look like?

David:
Homos? [They laugh]

Vanessa Diaz:
You know, lately, I was thinking there was a chance that maybe we could get back together. Boy, do I need my f***ing head examined... I can't believe I married a f***ing embalmer.

Hiram Gunderson:
Say my name.

Ruth Fisher:
Hiram! Get off me!

Ruth Fisher:
Oh, go give yourself a handjob!

David Fisher:
Where the f*** could Mom be? Sorry, Chuck.

Chuck:
That's okay. I'm a Buddhist. We don't care about that sh*t.

Claire Fisher:
She could still show up for her own son's coma.

Dr. Fraker:
Hold good thoughts.

Brenda:
I can't believe how much money I've spent f***ing up my life.

Ruth Fisher:
I guess we all want to be loved. It's hard to say no to that, no matter who it's coming from.

Arthur Martin:
[as Ruth does laundry just after they had an argument] I have some kerchiefs and some undershirts... I hear some people call them wife-beaters, which I think is kind of funny...

Ruth Fisher:
There's nothing funny about beating your wife.

Claire:
[leaving the funeral home to move to New York] Oh, I will take a picture of everyone.

Claire:
[as a ghost] You can't take a picture of this. It's already gone.

Margaret:
Ruth, it isn't the '50s anymore, no matter how you dress.

George Sibley:
[Making a toast] To Nate.

David:
To Nate.

Bettina:
To Nate.

Claire:
To Nate.

Officer Keith Charles:
To Nate.

Ruth:
To my firstborn.

Anthony:
To Uncle Nate.

Durrell:
Yeah, to Uncle Nate.

Brenda:
[to Maya] Can you say "To Daddy"?

Maya Fisher:
To Daddy!

Brenda:
To Nate.

Nate:
Claire, you wanna know a secret? I spent my whole life being scared. Scared of not being ready, of not being right, of not being who I should be. And where did it get me?

Claire:
I feel like I'm trapped underwater.

George Sibley:
[after her reminder that he left her and her brother, never to fully regain contact] I'm sorry.

Maggie Sibley:
Don't be. That's the way life is, right? I mean, you ruin things, you walk away. You go somewhere else until it's ruined... Just let me go.

Ruth:
[talking on the phone] I have to ask you something.

Maggie Sibley:
Sure.

Ruth:
You were with Nate the night he...

Maggie Sibley:
Yes.

Ruth:
Was he happy?

Maggie Sibley:
He was... feeling, I think, that his life was very complicated.

Ruth:
I'm not talking about his life. I'm talking about that night. Was... Was he happy?

Maggie Sibley:
He was.

Ruth:
Good... Were you?

Maggie Sibley:
Yes... Yes I was happy.

Ruth:
Good. Thank you for that... It helps.

Maggie Sibley:
Ruth... I'm sorry, I have to go.

Ruth:
If my experience is anything to go by, motherhood is the loneliest thing in the world. Nathaniel wasn't even here when Nate was born. He was still in Vietnam. Even when he came home and David was born. And having terrible asthma, Nathaniel was never really here for me. Whether it was the war or just him, I don't think I'll ever know.

Brenda:
You know Nate and I were.

Ruth:
I know, I know. I know he loved you the very best he could. And I know you needed more. So did I. And I hope and pray that you put everything. Everything behind us and let me help you, because I know you're gonna need it.

Ruth:
Thank you. I will need it. I do need it.

Nate:
Shut up, Margaret, you f***in' idiot.

Ruth:
A what?

Marcie:
A meth lab.

Bettina:
Marcie, get serious!

Ruth:
I don't know what that is.

Bettina:
Its illegal and she's pulling your leg.

Marcie:
We'd make a lot of money.

Bettina:
So could opening our own professional assassin service, but that's not gonna happen either.

Ruth:
Why not? I think I'd like that.

Marcie:
We could steal people's kidneys.

Bettina:
Oh, God, no! It's too messy.

Marcie:
Ooh, um, I heard on NPR about those people that go in and clean up violent crime scenes. They make a shitload of money!

Ruth:
No! I'm not going to clean up someone else's violent crime.

Bettina:
Oh, we just have to accept it. There's nothing else. We have to become hookers.

Ruth:
I'm thinking of starting a day care service.

Bettina:
Seriously?

Ruth:
Yes. For dogs.

[All break into laughter]

Claire:
[leaving the funeral home to move to New York] Mom.

Ruth:
You gave me life. My sweet baby girl... Don't let them work you too hard at you new job.

Claire:
I won't, Mom. I really hope you can come and visit.

Ruth:
I'll try.

Ruth:
[hugs Claire] Oh, Clarie, I pray you'll be filled with hope for as long as you possibly can.

Claire:
Thank you for everything and thank you for giving me life.

Ruth:
You gave me life.

Claire:
Oh my, God, I don't wanna go!

Nate:
You can't take a picture of this. It's already gone.

Nate:
[to Claire as she takes a family photo] You can't take a picture of this it's already gone.

Nate:
[whispering into Claire's ear] You can't take a picture of this, it's already gone.

Claire:
[Nate enters Fisher's kitchen with a stern and very beaten face] What happened to you?

Nate:
Lisa's dead.

David:
Ohhhh sh*t!

Nate:
Her body washed up near Carpinteria a few days ago. Some kids found it.

Claire:
F***.

Nate:
It took the lab till yesterday to figure out it was her.

David:
Do they know what happened?

Nate:
She drowned.

David:
She just... drowned?

Nate:
That's what they said. No evidence of anything else.

Officer Keith Charles:
But she could swim, right?

Nate:
Yeah, it just looks like she drowned.

David:
God!

Nate:
So I have to go to the coroner up there and get her.

David:
I'll come with you.

Nate:
Thanks.

Claire:
Nate, what happened to your face?

Nate:
I got it in a fight.

George Sibley:
[Ruth and George enter the kitchen] Good morning, morning glories! I hope we didn't keep any of your folks up last night. [They see Nate]

David:
They found Lisa's body. She's dead.

Ruth:
Oh Lord! I'm sorry. [Cuddles Nate]

Nate:
So am I. So am I.

Coroner:
This is the worst one I've had in a long time. It's like those whales when they die. You know what happens?

David:
No.

Coroner:
Their guts turn to cream and explode. [Uncovers Lisa's corpse] All that's left when they wash upon shore is a bag of...

David:
[Almost crying] This is my sister-in-law.

Coroner:
Oh... Sh*t, sh*t, sh*t! I'm sorry. I thought you were here on business...

David:
I am, and this is my sister-in-law. You shouldn't talk like that about anybody.

Claire:
[just after telling Russell she was pregnant by him, but had an abortion] Look, I'm sorry. I didn't...

Russell Corwin:
Just give me a second, okay? Just give me a second to get used to the idea of living with this for the rest of my life.

Claire:
Are you f***ing kidding me?

Russell Corwin:
No, I'm not kidding you, Claire! It's f***ing sad! It's f***ing sad and it's f***ed up. I mean, did you cry? Did you?

Claire:
[indignant] I cried more than you have ever cried in your whole life.

Russell Corwin:
[breaks down] Then give me a f***ing second to feel bad about this, okay? Just a motherf***ing second!

Officer Keith Charles:
I gotta quit my job, that's the one thing I gotta do...

David:
I think you should.

Officer Keith Charles:
No, I mean it this time. Everybody in security is a f***in' a**hole.

Brenda:
[on first visit to Nate's funeral home, which is also his family's home] Not quite as Addams Family as I'd expected.

Brenda:
There'a a lot of sadness in this house.

Nate:
It's a funeral home.

Claire:
[of home] Better than a Turkish prison - most days.

Federico Diaz:
I've worked here for years, and you don't know a damn thing about me.

David:
That's not true.

Federico Diaz:
You own an atlas?

David:
An atlas?

Federico Diaz:
Yeah, because if you did, you'd know there's a 24-hundred-mile difference between Puerto Rico and Mexico.

David:
You're... Puerto Rican...?

Federico Diaz:
[pause] ?Vete a la mierda cabr?n!

Nate:
Claire, are you ok?

Claire:
[long pause] No.

Nate:
[concerned] Well, do you wanna talk about it?

Claire:
Sure, my pimp's threatening to beat me up cuz I can't turn enough tricks... What's worse is, he's threatening to take away my smack, it's hell...!... [laughs]

Nate:
Why do you always have to be such a b*tch?

Claire:
Why d'you have to naturally assume I'm in trouble? Like you guys are such shining examples. Jesus!

Officer Keith Charles:
The next time you call someone a f***in' fag, you make sure that fag's not an LA police officer... You got that? [shoves badge into redneck's head] Understand me?

Redneck SUV Driver:
[whimpering] Yeah.

Officer Keith Charles:
Now you got my badge, file a complaint, I dare you. Now get your punk ass outta here, f***in' b*tch.

Ruth Fisher:
Mr. Powerful and his entourage are here.

Ruth Fisher:
I have to ask you something.

Claire:
OK.

Ruth Fisher:
You promise to give me an honest answer?

Claire:
Maybe.

Ruth Fisher:
Did you set that fire?

Claire:
No, Mom, I would never do anything like that. [Ruth looks relieved] I may have swiped that foot, though.

Officer Keith Charles:
What's right is getting her some top-shelf legal counsel and having her plead the fifth. I don't care what you have to do. Just keep her out of the system. She'll be eaten alive.

Officer Keith Charles:
I know where you are. I was there. And I'll wait for you because I love you. But I'm not moving backwards for anybody.

Ruth Fisher:
I would like to go on record as saying I am in full support of you going to art school.

Claire Fisher:
Consider it recorded. But I'm just taking a tour. Let's not get our panties in a wad over it.

Nate:
Oh, f*** you! Life doesn't have to be miserable just because you are. Oh yeah, I know-weird sh*t happened to you. Yeah, but you know what? It happens to all of us, and I am sick to death of you using it as an excuse to act like some f***ing c*nt from hell.

Federico Diaz:
[of Angelica] I swear I wish I could just kick her sorry ass out. Vanessa always *her* side; it's like having a f***ing two-headed wife.

David Fisher:
As opposed to a no-headed wife.

Claire Fisher:
[in the afterlife, sees Gabe Dimas playing frisbee with his brother] Is he dead?

Nathaniel Fisher:
I don't know. This is your thing.

Lisa Kimmel Fisher:
[Claire enters an afterlife church to find her there] Claire! Are you just visiting?

Claire Fisher:
Of course.

Lisa Kimmel Fisher:
[relieved] Good. [Claire sees next to her a baby: her unborn son] I promise I'll take good care of him.

David Fisher:
[to Keith of the first time he saw him] I just noticed how you locked your car. You pointed the button at it like "F*** you, car, now you're locked!"

Claire Fisher:
Are you mad that Mom's going to marry George?

Nathaniel Fisher:
Nah. That's you.

Gabe Dimas:
Life just wasn't the right environment for me.

Nathaniel Fisher:
Look at you, you're such a mess, I mean you'll take anyone as long as they'll f*** ya or fight ya. Well let me tell you something buddy boy, those are just little off tabs, little whisps of nothing compared to the nut you'll bust when this whole f***in car rips right through ya, tears your ass in half. You'll sh*t a million stars.

Claire Fisher:
Do you think you could give me a ride? I have to go get an abortion.

Brenda Chenowith:
Sure.

Edie:
I really like your penis. Too bad you're attached to it.

Arthur Martin:
[to George] That's my yogurt you're consuming. My name is clearly inscribed on the side. I hope you plan on replacing however much of it you consume.

Claire Fisher:
Oh, this is so f***ing gross!

David Fisher:
What the f*** do you think you're doing?

Claire Fisher:
Taking pictures. This is like right out of "The Shining".

David Fisher:
This is not cool or legal, stop it!

Claire Fisher:
Well, call the Bureau, ass.

David Fisher:
This is our family business, Claire, even if I'm the only one in the family who gives a sh*t anymore.

Claire Fisher:
Well, what if you need photos for, like, the insurance company or something?

David Fisher:
All right, take some more - but this is not an art project.

Aunt Sarah:
You know, vodka is for Russians what therapy is for Americans.

Brenda Chenowith:
Yeah. Habit-forming and destroys your ability to lead a normal life.

Ruth Fisher:
David, are you bringing a special friend to dinner?

David Fisher:
Why are my friends always special?

Ruth Fisher:
Okay, then. If you're having sex with anyone, is he coming to dinner?

Claire:
Okay, if you were a gay mortician, what would you want for Christmas?

Toby:
Um... a new life?

Saleswoman:
[in a store] Anything I can help you with?

Brenda:
Yes, I'm looking for clothes so expensive only an idiot would buy them. Oh, there they are...

Billy:
Happy's a concept I try not to buy into. It just gets me into trouble.

Keith Charles:
Lord, for food in a world where many walk in hunger, for faith in a world where many walk in fear, and for friends in a world where many walk alone, we give you thanks, O Lord, on this Christmas Day. Amen.

Ruth Fisher:
Well, when are you going to invite him? I need to know how many yams to buy.

Claire:
Look - if he's coming, I'll tell him to bring his own yam.

Mitzi Dalton-Huntley:
Hey, f*** you with the "ma'am" sh*t! You call me that one more time, I'll have your balls on a plate, your spleen on a stick, and your heart bubble-wrapped and Fedexed to your mama, all right?

Tracy Montrose Blair:
Why do people have to die?

Nate Fisher:
To make life important. None of us know how long we've got. Which is why we have to make each day matter.

Nate Fisher:
You are one incredibly difficult and sometimes infuriating woman, and I cannot imagine my life without you. Promise me you'll be a better driver. Promise me you'll take care of yourself. Promise me you'll live as long as you can. 'Cause I don't know what I'd do if I lost you. So, if you wanna get married, I'm all for it.

Nikolai:
Are you going with your little friend, the one with the funny car?

Ruth Fisher:
It's an electric car and it's very good for the environment. [Nikolai laughs] Why are you laughing?

Nikolai:
Because you're not.

Brenda:
You know what I find interesting? If you lose a spouse, you're called a widow, or a widower. If you're a child and you lose your parents, then you're an orphan. But what's the word to describe a parent who loses a child? I guess that's just too f***ing awful to even have a name.

Nate Fisher:
We could still leave.

Brenda:
Why? What are you afraid of?

Nate Fisher:
Humiliating myself, wasting someone's valuable time...

Brenda:
Don't be so left-brained.

Brenda:
Everybody dies, we all die, everything we ever care about will disappear, so what's the f***ing point of living?

Nate Fisher:
You really spooked me, Bren.

Brenda:
What? The idea of me dying?

Nate Fisher:
Yeah.

Brenda:
I will die someday. We die, Nate. We all die.

Ruth Fisher:
[to the vision of Nathaniel Fisher] We were such children when we met. Then we watched those children disappear.

Lisa:
Nate used to be like that... sometimes you just have to hang in there and wait.

Claire:
Wait for what?

Lisa:
For them to grow up.

Claire:
If I'd known he was going to be such a jerk I never would have slept with him in that crematorium.

Nate Fisher:
[preparing to confess he has AVM disease]... I have something to tell you.

David Fisher:
What have you done now?

Nate Fisher:
What would you rather have, some overly-educated gas bag like Trevor, or a semi-literate f***-machine like me, come on.

Mitzi Dalton Huntley:
[David hands her a cup of coffee] Y'all didn't put rat poison on in here, did ya?

Nate Fisher:
Drink it and find out.

Mitzi Dalton Huntley:
Been running? It's bad on the knees.

Nate Fisher:
Everything's bad for something.

Claire Fisher:
[Andy grabs her chest] Whoa, you're not on the list of people who get to touch my tits.

Nate:
Mom, I'm moving back into the house.

Nate Fisher:
[witnessing his open-casket funeral] Damn it, David, I told you I wanted to be cremated.

Nate Fisher:
Will you hurry up? I don't want to be late for my funeral.

Commercial Announcer:
[voiceover, as camera tracks slowly over a handsome reclining body] For a body that's firm, yet flexible. For skin that begs to be touched. For the velvety appearance of actual living tissue. Top morticians rely on Living Splendor embalming fluid. Living Splendor. Only real life is better.

Commercial Announcer:
[voiceover, to visuals of sexy young people dancing around to "Shake Your Booty", shakers in hand] Ashes to ashes and dust to dust is as easy as pie with Franklin's new lint-proof earth dispenser. Say goodbye to soiled fingers forever. Only from Franklin Funeral Supplies. We put the "fun" back in funeral.

Brenda:
Well, here's my number if you ever want to, you know, go out on a real date. You know where you buy me dinner before I put out.

Keith Charles:
We'll get through this.

David:
Yeah, I'll be the strong one, the stable one, the dependable one, because that's what I do. And everyone around me will fall apart. 'Cause that's what they do.

Keith Charles:
Hey. Don't you ever get exhausted being so hard on everyone, and yourself?

David:
[sigh] Shut up.

Nathaniel Fisher:
[David is covering his father's wounds with wound filler, as he looks on disapprovingly] Oh, no. You're doing me? You're the worst one we've got.

David:
[monotone] Thanks, Dad.

Nathaniel Fisher:
[frantic] Where's Federico?

David:
It's Christmas morning. He's with his wife and kids. He'll be in later.

Nathaniel Fisher:
[impatient] Ooh, couldn't this wait? I don't want you ruining my face.

David:
It's a little late for that.

Nathaniel Fisher:
Not funny.

Nate Fisher:
Look, I have to go identify our dead father's body. I'm sorry you're having a bad drug experience, but deal with it.

Nathaniel Fisher:
Well, well. The prodigal returns. This is what you've been running away from your whole life, buddy boy. Scared the crap out of you when you were growing up, didn't it? And you thought you'd escape, well guess what, nobody escapes.

Elderly Man:
[in front of a casket] You did a real good job on her.

David:
Well, we do our best.

Elderly Man:
If there's any justice in the universe, she's shoveling sh*t in hell right now.

Brenda:
So... how's it going?

Nate Fisher:
Oh, it's great... great. My father's dead, my mom's a whore, my brother wants to kill me, and my sister's smoking crack. I think I win.

Claire:
So how have you been?

Russell Corwin:
I've been good. Been really really good. My work has gone to some amazing places since I got hit by a car.

Maggie Sibley:
What's wrong?

Nate Fisher:
[breathing heavily] My arm is numb... Numb arm... numb arm... narm!... Narm!

Durrell:
You look like a witch.

Ruth Fisher:
I assure you, I'm not.

Durrell:
I didn't say you were. I said you look like one.

Ruth Fisher:
Then you can take me off your list of baby-sitters. I'm taking my cookies.

Ruth Fisher:
I think I've already made a mess of it. I don't know why I try and cut my own hair.

Claire:
Mom, pamper yourself. Go to a salon. It's not like we're living on the prairie.

Ted Fairwell:
Did you meet Claire?

Lauderbach:
No. Hey, I'm Lauderbach.

Ted Fairwell:
Thanks. Claire here is just visiting. She's actually the biggest soap star in all of Holland.

Lauderbach:
Cool. [Slowly] Welcome to America.

Claire:
Danke.

Olivier Castro-Staal:
We all go through fallow periods, when we must let the soil rest to prepare for new growth.

Nate Fisher:
Everything is the same.

Lisa Kimmel:
[silence] Oh, by the way, I'm pregnant, you know. Five months. But you don't need to worry; I'm not going to ask anything from you.

Billy Chenowith:
That's the thing about Narcissus, it's not that he's so f***ing in love with himself, because he isn't at all, he f***ing hates himself. It's that without that reflection looking back at him... he doesn't exist.

Brenda Chenowith:
All we have is this moment, right here, right now. The future is just a f***ing concept that we use to avoid being alive today. So be... here... now.

Nate:
Brenda, I am pretty sure that Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver are brother and sister and they're making it work.

Brenda:
Just shut the f*** up.

Claire Fisher:
I'm *not* drunk.

Kirsten:
It seems like you are.

Claire Fisher:
I'm not.

Kirsten:
Claire, you fell asleep at your desk this morning, twice, and I can smell it.

Claire Fisher:
You can't smell vodka.

Kirsten:
I can.

Claire Fisher:
Anyway, you're being a little f***ing b*tch.

Kirsten:
Alright, Claire, we're all really sorry that your brother died.

Claire Fisher:
Really?

Kirsten:
Yeah, really, but you've been drunk or high at work, like, every day this week and it's starting to scare people. I mean, I've told them all to give you a break, but ...

Claire Fisher:
Well this doesn't feel like much of a f***ing break... 'Kirsten', being followed into the bathroom and lectured at by some school teacher.

Kirsten:
Just go home for the day and sleep it off, okay? I won't tell.

Claire Fisher:
You won't tell?

Kirsten:
No.

Claire Fisher:
Who won't you 'tell?'

Kirsten:
Human Resources.

Claire Fisher:
If you wanna f***ing tell...

Kirsten:
Alright, I'll tell Human Resources!

Claire Fisher:
Goddammit, go! Tell! Tell! Tell!

Kirsten:
Okay! I am wicked pissed! You are gonna be so fired!

Claire Fisher:
Yeah, well, I'm f***ing Ted.

Kirsten:
...no way.

Claire Fisher:
Way.

Kirsten:
Marianne and Johnny ...

Claire Fisher:
Didn't wanna hurt your feelings. Sorry.

Nate:
You only get one life. There's no God, no rules, except for those you accept or create for yourself. Then once it's over... it's over. Dreamless sleep forever and ever. So why not be happy while you're here?

Edie, Claire, Anita Miller, Russell Corwin, Jimmy:
[All stoned and chanting, with Edie and Claire sharing candy eyes] I need you so much closer...

Claire:
[stoned, having just written "Terror Starts At Home" on the wall] It's like, how many evildoers do you have to kill before you become one yourself?

David Fisher:
I forgot to pray. Can you believe it? I totally forgot to pray.

Claire:
That's OK. God saved you anyway, right?

Brenda:
So how's it going with Olivier?

Margaret:
He's a very passionate man. He's lot of fun if you don't take him too seriously. And he's completely supportive of my decision to have vaginal rejuvenating surgery.

Brenda:
[disgusted] Awww, mom!

Margaret:
Darling, I've had a couple of children. You expecially took your toll. I mean, c'mon, no one wants to f*** a glass of water, if you know what I'm saying.

Brenda:
[puts away the glass of water she's drinking]

Federico 'Rico' Diaz:
Isn't she some kind of druggie?

Vanessa Diaz:
Oh, please! She smoked a little pot in high school. We all did.

Federico 'Rico' Diaz:
I didn't.

Vanessa Diaz:
I know, Rico, 'cause you were boring.

Edie:
[looking at her own photo taken by Claire] It's so beautiful.

Claire:
I know.

Officer Keith Charles:
Javier I'm gay... I have a boyfriend, I sleep with men... I have a lot of sex and it's really really gay.

Javier:
...that's cool man.

Claire:
Let's just sleep together!

Edie:
Now?

Claire:
In a sec. I need to brush my teeth

Keith Charles:
Most guys I meet, they kinda just want me to be one thing.

Claire Fisher:
What? Like, big black sex cop?

Ruth Fisher:
[after Nate, David and Rico discover that a foot from a corpse is missing, Ruth opens the dryer] Oh my God, what is this?

Ruth Fisher:
You wake up one day and your baby's stolen a foot. Where have I been?

Brenda Chenowith:
I don't want any children.

Nate Fisher:
Whoa, who said anything about children?

Brenda Chenowith:
I was referring to you.

Brenda Chenowith:
You can't control things, nobody can.

Nate Fisher:
Shut up.

Brenda Chenowith:
There's only one thing that's certain. Everything changes.

Nate Fisher:
Shut... up.

Keith Charles:
David, I can help, I'm a cop. That's what I do for a living.

David Fisher:
You find feet?

Claire Fisher:
I was following him home to get it back. When I saw him toss it. Now I've been here for hours and I can't find it.

Keith Charles:
Describe it to me again?

Claire Fisher:
It's a foot.

Ruth Fisher:
You wake up one day and your baby's stolen a foot. Where have I been?

David Fisher:
Losing $25,000.

Ruth Fisher:
Claire, are you depressed?

Claire Fisher:
I'm not going to even answer that.

Ruth Fisher:
Well, whatever you're going through, I hope you're not going to blame me.

Summons Server:
Is Nathaniel Fisher here?

Nate Fisher:
No, he's deceased. Oh, no, wait, that's me. I'm Nathaniel Fisher, *Jr.*

Nate:
[to Brenda] OK, no offense, but your family's f***ed up beyond comprehension.

Angela:
I've never worked in a funeral home that was more depressing.

Ruth Fisher:
Thank you. I've had the best time coming to this funny little restaurant and having you yell at me in the bathroom.

Angela:
Rough night, stud?

David Fisher:
You are fired.

Angela:
F***!

Nate:
I can't believe they pressured you into sacrificing your life for your brother.

Brenda Chenowith:
Nobody pressured me... I wanted to stay.

Margaret:
You know that blouse might actually work if you got rid of the bra.

Brenda:
Yeah? Well that skirt might actually work if you got rid of that ass.

Lisa Kimmel Fisher:
He doesn't love me the way he loved you.

Nathaniel Fisher:
The only god I know is a mean-spirited comedian in ugly pants whose every joke has the same damn punchline.

Ruth Fisher:
I joined "The Plan".

Claire Fisher:
Isn't that like a cult or something?

Nate Fisher:
No, it's one of those '70s self-discovery clubs that yell at you and don't let you go to the bathroom for 12 hours, right?

Ruth Fisher:
[takes out yogurt cup] I think this will do. All right, I'm leaving you without dinner. I'll be back really late. [leaves]

Claire Fisher:
This whole concept of Mom self-actualizing is making me nauseous.

Nate Fisher:
You're sure it's that and not the concept of Mom pissing in a plastic jar?

Bettina:
I think they've outlived their usefulness. Men have become obsolete.

Vanessa Diaz:
Donna, you cannot bring strange people home. This isn't Canada!

Nate Fisher:
Well, you know, love isn't something you feel, it's something you do. If the person you're with doesn't want it, you know, do yourself a favor and save it for someone who does.

Nathaniel Fisher:
Life is wasted on the living.

Ruth Fisher:
So, what's new?

Brenda Chenowith:
Actually, I spent all night doing it with this couple from Orange County, and I have absolutely no idea why.

Nikolai:
[Ruth offers to clean for him] I don't need my house smelling like fake lemons.

Nikolai:
Ruthie, why do I want little cherries in my drawers?

Ruth Fisher:
It's hard to explain. You just do.

Nate Fisher:
Hello, can I help you?

7-Year-Old Girl:
Hi, you killed me, it was seven years ago remember, you'd at least have me killed. Oh, don't get me wrong I don't harbor any bad feelings or anything. I'm pro-choice, well at least I would be If I were alive.

5-Year-Old Boy:
You killed me too. Actually, I was miscarried by the girl who works at that Starbucks on Freemont. I don't think she was ever planning to tell you about me.

David Fisher:
Kids should look out into the audience and have someone rooting for them. You know when I was in seventh grade, I was a sailor in "Anything Goes"?

Keith Charles:
I know. You bring it up once a week.

David Fisher:
Well, my mother came, but my father didn't.

Keith Charles:
Why not?

David Fisher:
Plane crash. He had to deal with a whole family that died.

David Fisher:
I'm really glad you decided to come. It means a lot to me.

Keith Charles:
Yeah, well, uh, I've always wanted to see a musical celebration of biodiversity.

David Fisher:
Now remember, if you see Durell look in our direction, just scrunch down.

Keith Charles:
What do you mean?

David Fisher:
I didn't tell him we were going to be here.

Keith Charles:
Why not?

David Fisher:
Because I'm scared of him.

Keith Charles:
I thought the whole point of this was to give him emotional support.

David Fisher:
We are. He just doesn't know it. Let's keep it that way. Ooh, its starting! [Lights dim]

Olivier Castro-Staal:
[to Claire on her new-found love with Russell] If you get lonely, have sex. But if you think you meet someone who really wants something from you? You're doomed.

Stripper:
[during a lap dance] Aren't you enjoying this even one bit?

David Fisher:
Yeah, I'm loving it. Why?

Stripper:
Well, your dick isn't responding.

Robbie:
Ooh, the Learning Annex? Wow, I hear that school's really hard to get into.

Nate Fisher:
Uh, Brenda, why do you have my name tattooed on your ass?

Claire Fisher:
Great. So I get nothing.

Ruth Fisher:
You get an education, Claire, something not all people are privileged to.

Claire Fisher:
Well, what if I don't want to go to college?

Attorney:
Nowadays college is a necessity in life not only to succeed, but to survive.

Claire Fisher:
Spare me the tough-love rationalization, just bottom-line it, please.

Attorney:
If you choose not to go to college, the money will be available to you when you're 25.

Claire Fisher:
It's like blackmail from beyond the grave.

David:
Do you have any respect for human life whatsoever?

Nate:
I have a HUGE respect for human life, I just didn't know they could take a dump when they're dead!

Nathaniel Fisher:
[as they look at his tombstone] Is that the best anyone could come up with - "Father, Husband, Caregiver"?

Nate Fisher:
How would you prefer it - "Introvert, Sadist, Mindf***er"?

Brenda Chenowith:
We're all wounded. We carry our wounds around with us throughout life and eventually they kill us. Things happen that leave a mark in space, in time... in us.

Claire:
I want to join the Marines and learn to kill, kill, kill!

Claire Fisher:
News flash: other people exist!

Claire Fisher:
Don't your skanks need to be walked?

Ruth:
Well seriously. What kind of a plan is that, to let a sick bird run wild in the house pooping?

Maggie Sibley:
Well, I know that if you think life is a vending machine, where you put in virtue and you get out happiness, then you'll probably gonna be disappointed.

Billy Chenowith:
It's hard to get your sh*t together with someone watching all the time.

George Sibley:
Yeah, it is. But when no one's watching, then where are you? Where the f*** are you then?

Claire Fisher:
You know, Nate, this isn't "The Matrix". The rest of us that don't have babies - we're real.

Bernard Chenowith:
[of Brenda] You've found your happiness, Nate. She'll find hers. It's just a matter of time.

Nate Fisher:
And what if I haven't found mine?

Brenda Chenowith:
I've missed you. Through this.

Nate Fisher:
I missed you too. I mean, it's not like I don't know how much being with you changed me. How much it woke me up as a person. I wouldn't be who I am today if I never met you. I certainly wouldn't floss everyday, that's for sure.

Brenda Chenowith:
You're keeping up with that?

Nate Fisher:
After every meal.

Brenda Chenowith:
You changed me too.

Nate Fisher:
Yeah? How so?

Brenda Chenowith:
You're the first person I've lost for really costed me something. That's why I haven't been with anyone since.

Nate Fisher:
Nobody?

Brenda Chenowith:
It's too scaring, the thought of screwing it all up again.

Nate Fisher:
Yeah, you'll find somebody.

Brenda Chenowith:
That is so not the answer. You know what I think?

Nate Fisher:
About what?

Brenda Chenowith:
I don't know. Life.

Nate Fisher:
What?

Brenda Chenowith:
I think it's all about timing. I think timing is everything.

Nate Fisher:
I think you might be right.

Claire:
Do you think you could give me a ride? I have to go get an abortion.

Brenda:
Sure.

Nate Fisher:
None of this turned out the way I wanted it to. I wanted to love you. I did love you. And I just felt like we were beginning to... I know we were. I know it in my heart. I feel like I had this once-in-a-lifetime chance and I f***ed it up.

Lisa Kimmel Fisher:
Nate, I'm not a chance. I'm a person.

Federico Diaz:
[while embalming a murderer] He is a f***in' Dorito! Crunch him - they'll make more.

George Sibley:
If you marry six people, a few of them are gonna die.

Claire:
So, what are you guys doing tomorrow?

Nate Fisher:
[talking an E note in unison with David] Same old sh*t.

David Fisher:
[talking a lower B note in unison with Nate] Same old sh*t.

Nate Fisher:
Have you seen what kind of f***ing world this is? You see what people do to each other, what your f***ing father did to people, and now you're going to cry... You don't get to cry.

Nathaniel Fisher:
You hang on to your pain like it means something. Like it's worth something. Well, let me tell you - it's not worth sh*t. Let it go! Infinite possibilities, and all he can do is whine.

David Fisher:
Well, what am I supposed to do?

Nathaniel Fisher:
What do you think? You can do *anything*, you lucky bastard - you're alive! What's a little pain compared to that?

David Fisher:
It can't be that simple.

Nathaniel Fisher:
What if it is?

Nathaniel Fisher:
You're missing the point.

David Fisher:
There is no point, that's the point. [pause] Isn't it?

Nathaniel Fisher:
Don't give me this phony existential bullshit, I expect better from you. The point's right in front of your face.

David Fisher:
Well I'm sorry but I don't see it.

Nathaniel Fisher:
You're not even grateful are ya?

David Fisher:
Grateful? For the worst f***ing experience of my life?

Nathaniel Fisher:
You hang onto your pain like it means something, like it's worth something - well let me tell ya, it's not worth sh*t. Let it go. Infinite possibilities and all he can do is whine.

David Fisher:
Well, what am I supposed to do?

Nathaniel Fisher:
What do you think? You can do anything, you lucky bastard, you're alive! [pause] What's a little pain compared to that?

David Fisher:
It can't be so simple.

Nathaniel Fisher:
What if it is?

David Fisher:
You can never really know a person and if you think you can, you're living in a f***ing dream world!