Sliding Doors

Anna:
James?

Anna:
Since last night?

Anna:
Sorry.

Anna:
You can't tell from one. They can be inaccurate.

Helen:
I bought three packets. Two in a packet - that's six. You can tell from six.

James:
Well, if it makes you feel any better... do you see that bloke over there?

James:
Not only does he own a personalized matching set of crocodile-skin luggage, but his favorite TV program is Baywatch. So you see there's always someone sadder than you.

James:
Do you love him?

Helen:
No, I could never love a Baywatch fan.

Anna:
Are you okay?

Helen:
Yes, just going quietly mad.

Anna:
Thank goodness for that. I was worried.

Helen:
For God's sake, Gerry. I asked you a simple question; there is no need for you to become Woody Allen.

James:
Everybody's born knowing all the Beatles lyrics instinctively. They're passed into the fetus subconsciously along with all the amniotic stuff. Fact, they should be called "The Fetals".

James:
Haircut suits you, by the way.

James:
No, it does, it does! No gag. 'Never make a joke about a woman's hair, clothes or menstrual cycles' - page one.

Russell:
You want my opinion?

Gerry:
Will I like it?

Russell:
Well, of course not! It'll be based in reality.

Helen:
I kissed you.

James:
Yeah, I spotted that too.

Russell:
Sorry, let me just... Lydia's becoming more and more demanding and you feel bad because Helen's working night and day to keep the money coming in. But you've asked Helen to come on a research trip to Dorset with you - knowing that she wouldn't be able to - to cover up the fact that you're really taking Lydia. And despite the fact that Lydia gave you an out on the phone - which you didn't take - you're having a moral dilemma.

Russell:
Gerry, you are a morality-free zone.

Lydia:
Gerry, I'm a woman! We don't say what we WANT! But we reserve the right to get pissed off if we don't get it. That's what makes us so fascinating! And not a little bit scary.

Lydia:
I'm trying to be your girlfriend Gerry! I'm trying to win you back! I'm standing on the platform at Limbo Central with my heart and soul packed in my suitcase waiting for the Gerry F***ing Express to roll in and tell me that my ticket is still valid and that I may reboard the train. Only the station announcer keeps coming on and telling me that my train has been delayed as the driver has suffered a major panic attack in Indecision City, "We suggest you take the bus"! That's what I have been trying to do, you cripple!

Helen:
You wanker. You sad, sad wanker.

James:
Cheer up. Remember what the Monty Python boys say.

Helen:
"Always look on the bright side of life"?

James:
No, "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition."

Helen:
I didn't know you liked Elton John.

Gerry:
I-I-I do sometimes.

Russell:
I must say, being friends with you certainly makes the wait for the next episode of "Seinfeld" much easier to bear.

James:
What are you doing two weeks on Saturday?

Helen:
Probably killing myself.

James:
Excellent. What time does that finish? Do you like boats?

Helen:
I-I'm not - I'm not very good at - at, you know...

James:
Constructing sentences?

Gerry:
There's loads of them... having some sort of sponsored epileptic fit!

Helen:
I'm not as drunk as thinkle peep I am.

Anna:
Put a wick in her mouth and she'd burn for a fortnight.

Helen:
Look, James. Maybe I shouldn't be here. I'm sorry, I'm not being fair. You know, under normal circumstances, etcetera... You're really nice - and funny. My friend Anna thinks you're cute...

James:
Wait. Wait! Your friend Anna thinks I'm cute? Your friend ANNA thinks I'm cute? Sh*t, I just blew - wait

James:
- two eighty-five on the wrong girl!

Helen:
I come home and catch you up to your nuts in Lady Shagging Godiva!

Helen:
OK, I'll go. I was getting a bit choked up with all the testosterone flying about the place. Best I get out before I start growing a penis.

Lydia:
Who's there?

Helen:
It's Helen, actually. We met once, I interrupted you faking your orgasm. Sorry I can't be more specific.

James:
Come on! If you don't drink your fatty drinks, you'll never really achieve quality cellulite.

Russell:
You've been talking to yourself in the mirror again, haven't you?

Helen:
God! I feel like such a mug! Useless, no good, shagging, horrible, despicable, lying, two faced, pissing, shagging...

Anna:
You said shagging.

Helen:
...wanker!