Spaced

Brian:
What are you playing?

Tim:
It's a subtle blend of lateral thinking and extreme violence.

Brian:
What, like "It's a Knockout"?

Daisy Steiner:
[in bunny suit] Rabbits! Rabbits! Rabbits!...

Brian:
Brian. Painter-loser. BIG F***ING LOSER.

Daisy:
You're up early.

Tim:
Oh, I haven't been to bed. Me and Mike met up with these two Scottish guys in the pub and they gave us all this cheap speed.

Daisy:
Oh Tim, that's so tacky.

Tim:
Yeah I know, but y'know they were so nice. I think if we'd said no they'd have got offended and beaten us to death with a pool cue.

Vulva:
Abstract expressionism is so mid-to-late eighties.

[Daisy answers phone]

Daisy:
Oh hi Mike. Yeah, he's here, I'll just get him.

[to Tim]

Daisy:
It's your boyfriend.

Tim:
He's not my boyfriend.

[picks up phone]

Tim:
Hi babe.

Mike Watt:
Hello Timmy.

Tim:
Where are you?

Mike:
Err, Sheffield.

Tim:
What are you doing in Sheffield?

Mike:
Fell asleep on the tube.

Tim:
The tube doesn't go to Sheffield, Mike.

Mike:
Yeah, I know. I um must have changed at King's Cross.

Daisy Steiner:
You don't like Brian?

Tim Bisley:
I do like Brian, I just think he's a bit pretentious.

[Brian enters, wearing an incredibly gaudy outfit]

Brian Topp:
How do I look?

Tim Bisley:
A bit pretentious?

Brian Topp:
D'you think I should lose the waistcoat?

Tim Bisley:
No, I think you should burn it. Because if you lose it, you might find it again.

Tim:
Hey deadhead. Take a bite of peach.

[Brian has received a letter that simply says "Come"]

Brian:
It's from Vulva.

Tim:
Who's Vulva?

Brian:
An old friend of mine.

Tim:
You've got a friend called Vulva? Who's called Vulva?

Brian:
Her real name's Ian.

Tim:
What do you mean, her real name's Ian?

Brian:
She's non-gender-specific.

Tim:
Oh what, you mean like a tranny?

Brian:
[smiles] More than that.

Tim:
[scoffs] What, a big fat tranny?

Vulva:
[noticing Brian at the after-show party] Oh Brian, you came!

Brian:
No, I just spilt my drink.

Vulva:
I can't believe some of the sh*t I used to do with you!

Vulva:
Pud-ding! I've always loved your quirkiness.

Tim:
Daisy. Daisy Daisy Daisy. It's gonna be okay. Now have a big toke of this South African drug's reefer-style spliff doobie.

Daisy:
I don't know. It might make me paranoid.

Daisy:
Right, I'm going to the shops. D'you want anything?

Tim:
Porn.

Daisy:
Tim, I'm not going to buy you porn. You can get it from railway sidings like everybody else.

Tim:
I can't, I'm an adult. I'm supposed to leave it there.

Daisy:
So who was this girl then?

Tim:
Her name was Cassandra, she was a psychic, she gave me her phone number...

[hands Daisy a piece of paper]

Daisy:
That's OUR phone number.

Tim:
Man, she's good.

Tim:
You know when you said it went well? Well, when you said well, did you mean shite?

Tim Bisley:
You got mail today.

[hands him envelope]

Brian Topp:
It's open.

Tim Bisley:
Yeah, I opened it because I thought it was mine since we both... have... I's in our names.

[shifts his eyes in guilt]

[Someone knocks into Brian, spilling his drink]

Vulva:
Oh Brian, you came.

Brian Topp:
Uh, no, I just spilled my drink.

[Brian contemplates going to see Vulva's art show]

Tim Bisley:
So are you gonna go?

Brian Topp:
Oh, I don't know. It's been so long.

Tim Bisley:
No, I mean are you gonna go... now?

Agent:
Don't think about leaving the country Miss Steiner.

Daisy Steiner:
I won't. I can't afford it.

Daisy:
So how are you, you big bloody man?

Tim:
I'm good, I'm good. Just, had a few things to sort out.

Daisy:
With Sarah?

Tim:
No, with George Lucas.

Daisy:
Tim, it's been over a year.

Tim:
It's been 18 months, Daisy. And it still hurts.

Daisy:
Well, I didn't think The Phantom Menace was *that* bad.

Tim:
Gerroff me, you bummer.

Agent:
Daisy Steiner?

Brian Topp:
Yes...

Agent:
Are you Daisy Steiner?

Brian Topp:
No...

[after the showdown in the pub]

Daisy:
That just happened, didn't it?

Tim:
Uh...Yeah.

[Tim, Mike, and Daisy walk into her flat to find the two ominous Agents sitting at her kitchen table]

Agent:
Welcome home, Ms. Steiner.

Brian Topp:
They, er, arrived just before you did.

Tim:
You Lando!

Paint ball player:
I've always fancied myself as a bit of a soldier.

Tim:
I've always fancied myself.

Mike:
I've always fancied you.

Tim:
*Not here*.

Duane:
When you get that feeling, it's like...

Mike:
Sexual healing.

Duane:
It's a force beyond your control. You know what they say about love and war.

Tim:
Yes. One involves a lot of physical and psychological pain, and the other is war.

[Tim and Duane are facing off with paintball guns]

Duane:
See Tim, that's the difference between you and I. Organization. Careful thinking. Forward planning. And that is why I sleep in the arms of a beautiful woman and you spend your evenings alone in your bedsit. With cheap porn.

Tim:
It's not a bedsit. It's a flat.

[Shoots Duane in the groin]

Mike:
They're not in the jungle. They *are* the jungle.

[Brian is literally wearing a painting]

Tim Bisley:
You've got some paint on you.

Brian Topp:
It's a literal tribute to the self-reflexivity of Rembrandt.

Tim Bisley:
Did he like it?

Brian Topp:
He's dead.

Tim Bisley:
Bloody hell, that really backfired.

Tim:
[Duane's phone rings] Aren't you gonna answer that?

Duane:
I've got an answering service.

Tim:
You've got an answer for everything!

Duane:
I can't *believe* you just said that.

Brian:
[enters, wearing a painting] Can I borrow a teabag?

Tim Bisley:
[not looking at Brian] Only if you bring it back.

[sighs]

Tim Bisley:
You can have a teabag, Brian, you can't borrow one.

[turns to look at him - pauses]

Tim Bisley:
You've got some paint on you.

Daisy Steiner:
I'm not sure if I should go casual or strappy. Something a bit glam. Reliable and frumpy, or stupid and glamorous?

Tim:
Why don't you go something in between?

Daisy Steiner:
Stupid and frumpy.

Tim:
Save you getting ready.

Brian Topp:
What are you playing?

Tim:
Tomb Raider 3.

Brian Topp:
She's drowning.

Tim:
Yeah.

Brian Topp:
Is that the point of the game?

Tim:
It depends what mood you're in really.

Brian Topp:
What sort of mood are you in then?

Tim:
Well, I got a letter from my girlfriend this morning three months too late explaining why she dumped me. It was full of you'll always be special and I'll always love you platitudes designed to make me feel better while simultaneously appeasing her deep seeded sense of guilt for running off with a slimy little city boy named Duane and destroying my faith in everything in the world that is good and pure.

Brian Topp:
So it didn't really work then.

Tim:
No, it made me want to drown things!

Tim Bisley:
Skip to the end.

Daisy Steiner:
You have a potentially fatal allergy to Brazil nuts...

Tim Bisley:
Yes. I have no memory of Christmas 1979. Mind you, I have no memory of Christmas 1994 either.

Daisy Steiner:
Oh, why not?

Tim Bisley:
I don't know.

[first lines]

Tim:
WHY?

Daisy Steiner:
What do you do Brain?

Brian Topp:
An artist.

Tim Bisley:
I'm an artist!

Daisy Steiner:
Oh, what kind of thing do you do?

Brian Topp:
Anger.

[Brian in creepy anger-laden montage]

Brian Topp:
Pain.

[Brian in creepy pain-laden montage]

Brian Topp:
Fear

[Brian in creepy fear-laden montage]

Brian Topp:
Aggression.

[Brian in creepy aggression-laden montage]

[Tim and Daisy stare blankly, hesitant and terribly freaked out]

Daisy Steiner:
Ww... water colours, or...?

Brian:
It's a bit more complex than that.

Daisy:
Tim does cartoons.

Tim:
It's a bit more complex than that.

Marsha Klien:
It was the f***in' dog! [lights a cigarette and takes a small drag] It was like... the dog was some kind of replacement. He used to let her sleep in the bed, actually IN the bed... sometimes I used to wonder... y'know? Anyway, eventually I had to say "It is the dog or me" and he chose the dog... [takes another drag of her cigarette] b*tch!

Daisy Steiner:
Do you rent downstairs?

Brian:
You mean am I gay?

Daisy Steiner:
WHAT?

Brian:
You mean am I gay?

Daisy Steiner:
No, I meant "Do you rent the downstairs flat?"

Brian:
Oh. Yep, sort of.

Tim:
Are you gay?

Brian:
Hmm?

Tim:
Are you gay?

Brian:
[in deep contemplation] No...

[Tim is being dumped by girlfriend Sarah]

Tim:
Just... give me a reason. You think I'm unemotional, don't you? I can *be* emotional. Jesus, I cried like a child at the end of Terminator 2.

Daisy:
Every morning I wake up and it's the same. I get up and I buy the paper, and I circle them all, and I phone them only to discover they've been taken by a bunch of f***ing psychic house hunters.

Tim:
You're scared of mice and spiders, but oh-so-much greater is your fear that one day the two species will cross-breed to form an all-powerful race of mice-spiders who will immobilize human beings in giant webs in order to steal cheese.

Tim:
You can't dangle the bogus carrot of possible reconciliation in front of my face whilst riding some other donkey.

Daisy:
Do you want another cup of tea?

Tim:
Ooh, no thanks, twelve's my limit.

[Brian is in his room, getting very into his painting, breathing heavily. The phone rings, he answers it]

Brian:
Hello?

Twist Morgan:
[calling him from the dry cleaners] Brian, it's me.

Brian:
Hello me.

Twist Morgan:
How are you?

Brian:
Very well, thank you.

Twist Morgan:
I miss you.

Brian:
Miss me too.

Twist Morgan:
Would you like to come out for drinks later?

Brian:
Yes, please.

Twist Morgan:
[sexily] Then I can come and stay at yours, I don't have to work tomorrow, we can stay in bed all day.

Brian:
[grinning] Mmmmm...

Twist Morgan:
[Giggles] So don't forget to wash your sheets.

Brian:
Right.

Twist Morgan:
And your penis.

Bilbo Bagshot:
The Phantom Menace was 18 months ago, Tim!

Tim:
I know, Bilbo, OK? It just... it still hurts! That kid wanted a Jar Jar doll!

Bilbo Bagshot:
Kids like Jar Jar!

Tim:
Why?

Bilbo Bagshot:
What about the Ewoks? They were rubbish! You don't complain about them!

Tim:
Yeah, but Jar Jar Binks makes the Ewoks look like... f***ing Shaft!

Bilbo Bagshot:
I was like you once. Blond hair. Scraggly little beard. Childlike ears. Full of beans and spunk. I let my principles get in the way sometimes. I punched a bloke in the face once for saying "Hawk the Slayer" was rubbish.

Tim Bisley:
Good for you.

Bilbo Bagshot:
Yeah, thanks. But that's not the point, Tim. The point is I was defending the fantasy genre with terminal intensity, when what I should have said is "Dad, you're right, but let's give Krull a try and we'll discuss it later."

[as they all wake up, suddenly]

Daisy Steiner:
I'm sorry!

Mike:
I'm hit!

Brian:
I'm blind!

Tim:
Buffy!

Bilbo Bagshot:
Will you come back?

Tim Bisley:
Well, I like it here, Bilbo. What makes you think I want to come back?

Bilbo Bagshot:
This.

[Bilbo gets out an answering machine and presses play]

Tim Bisley:
[on machine; sobbing] Bilbo, this is Tim. Please can I come back? I don't like it here! [Bilbo switches it off]

Tim Bisley:
You got that, did you?

Bilbo Bagshot:
Tim, I would have come in anyway. The place is just not the same without you there.

Tim Bisley:
[smiles] I'm already there.

Bilbo Bagshot:
[suddenly worried] What?

Tim Bisley:
I mean I'll come back.

[pause]

Bilbo Bagshot:
Oh! Yeah, you frightened me for a bit there.

Tim Bisley:
I'll have to give my notice here, though.

Bilbo Bagshot:
Can't you just get fired? [Tim thinks for a second then nods, gives Bilbo the "hang on a second" gesture with his fingers and turns to Derek who is coming back in with two mugs of tea]

Tim Bisley:
Derek... Babylon 5's a big pile of sh*t!

Derek:
[annoyed] Get out!

Tim Bisley, Bilbo Bagshot:
[throwing their hands in the air] Yaaaaay!

[In the comics shop, Tim is shouting at a little boy for wanting to buy Star Wars Episode I:
The Phantom Menace merchandise]

Tim Bisley:
You are so blind! You so do not understand! You weren't there at the beginning! You don't know how good it was, how important! This is it for you! This jumped-up firework display of a toy advert! People like you make me sick! What's wrong with you? Now, I don't care if you've saved up all your 50p's, take your pocket money and get out!

[the little boy runs out, crying]

Tim Bisley:
What a prick.

Bilbo Bagshot:
Look Tim, I'm sorry I sacked you, it was a mistake.

Tim Bisley:
Oh what, things not working out with the new guy?

Bilbo Bagshot:
You could say that.

[cut to Bilbo's shop]

Tim's Replacement:
Hawk the Slayer's rubbish!

[Bilbo angrily throws his comic down and punches him out]

Marsha Klein:
Contentment is the enemy of invention.

Brian:
Chaos Theory!

Tim:
Eh?

Brian:
The predictability of random events. The notion that reality as we know it, past, present and future is actually a mathematically predictable preordained system.

Daisy:
So somewhere out their in the vastness of the unknown is an equation... for predicting the future!

Brian:
An equation so complex as to utterly defy any possibility of comprehension by even the most brilliant human mind, but an equation nonetheless.

Tim:
Oh my God!

Brian:
What?

Tim:
I've got some f***ing Jaffa Cakes in my coat pocket!

Bilbo Bagshot:
I used to know this guy, Minty. He had a dog who he'd train to attack rich people. He was into the whole class-war thing. He called the dog Gramsci after an Italian Marxist. Rumor has it, it could smell wealth from up to 20 feet. The thing is, it all backfired. Minty won 100 grand on a scratchcard and Gramsci bit his knees off.

Tim:
That's terrible.

Bilbo Bagshot:
Not really. He used the money to buy new knees.

Daisy Steiner:
If Richard phones tell him I'm out with Colin.

Bilbo Bagshot:
Who's Richard?

Tim Bisley:
Boyfriend.

Bilbo Bagshot:
Your boyfriend?

Tim Bisley:
Daisy's boyfriend.

Daisy:
In the end, our relationship was just like a sandwich toaster. You know, you just forget you've got one. And it just sits there on the top of the cupboard collecting a layer of greasy fudge. And even if you do see it you just assume it's broken, you think if it's working I'd be using it all the time, but you don't and it just sits there. Then one day, you get an overwhelming desire for toasted sandwiches, you know? And you get it down and it works, and you can't believe it, you know? And then you make every kind of toasted sandwich there is, you have toasted sandwich parties. You make Marmite and cheese, chocolate and...

Tim:
Pilchards.

Daisy:
Banana and...

Bilbo Bagshot:
Acorns.

Daisy:
Acorns. And then as quickly as the desire comes, it just goes. And then you put the toaster sandwich maker away. And, you know what?

Tim:
What?

Daisy:
You don't miss it.

Bilbo Bagshot:
So what you're saying is 'Don't hide the toasted sandwich maker away, use him regularly and you'll get the most out of him'.

Tim:
No, she's saying 'Chuck your boyfriend, have a sandwich'.

Tim:
Mike I'll see you here at 22.00 hours. Everybody else, I'll see you here at ten!

[Tim, Daisy and Brian have all just watched the original Star Wars trilogy]

Tim:
Brian, did you notice that everything that transpired in those three films - and I *mean* everything - can be attributed to the actions of one very *minor* character?

Brian:
Who?

Tim:
The gunner on the Star Destroyer at the beginning of the first film.

Brian:
How come?

Tim:
[know-it-all] Well. Hmmhmmhmm. Because, if the gunner *had* shot the pod that C-3P0 and R2 were in, they wouldn't have got to Tatooine, they wouldn't have met Luke, Luke wouldn't have met Ben, they wouldn't have met Han and Chewie, they wouldn't have rescued Princess Leia. *None* of it would have happened.

Marsha Klien:
Come back in one piece Brian... You know what piece I mean.

Brian:
Excuse me.

Mike:
Let's play!

Tim:
I mean, it's a fact, sure as day follows night, sure as eggs is eggs, sure as every odd-numbered Star Trek movie is sh*t.

[Daisy and Brian are discussing the Chaos Theory]

Tim Bisley:
Oh my God.

Daisy Steiner:
What?

Tim Bisley:
I've got some f***ing Jaffa Cakes in my coat pocket.

[They all cheer]

Tim Bisley:
Oh Mama, oh Daddy, let's all play kabaddi!

Mike:
Don't forget whose shoulder you cried on when the last one dumped you.

Tim:
I won't.

Mike:
Or when Johnny Alpha got killed by that big flying monster in 2000 A.D.

[on Twist]

Tim:
She's shallow, Brian. She's like Cordelia out of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer," and latterly "Angel," the spin off series which is set in LA.

Brian:
Don't know what you're talking about.

Tim:
Brian, you're such a square!

Daisy Steiner:
How are you feeling this morning?

Tim:
Very rough, actually. I swear to God I will never drink again...until lunchtime.

Daisy Steiner:
Very wise.

Tim:
Mmm. So how does it feel to be twenty-six?

Daisy Steiner:
Uh...a bit gas-y.

Tim:
Oh, well, you're getting old. You'd be dead in four years. If this was "Logan's Run."

Daisy Steiner:
Ah, that would be terrible.

Tim:
I know. I look like a twat in a jumpsuit.

Daisy Steiner:
Don't say that, Tim. That's a word that hates women.

Tim:
What? "Twat"?

Daisy Steiner:
No, "jumpsuit."

Tim:
Oh.

Sophie:
See you later, Daisy. Happy birthday.

Daisy Steiner:
[sweetly] Yeah. Bye, Sophie. Bye-bye. [after Sophie leaves] What a b*tch.

Tim:
Mike, you will always be my number one.

Mike:
Then why are you treating me like a number two?

Mike:
[to Sophie] If you hurt him, I'll kill you. [Mike runs away]

Sophie:
[to Tim] Did he mean that?

Tim:
[laughs and hugs Sophie] Yeah.

Twist Morgan:
You're not betraying the sisterhood just by brushing your hair once in a while.

Tim:
Bitter, Mike?

Mike:
No. Are you?

Tim:
Would you like a pint of bitter, Mike?

Mike:
Oh. Yeah.

Daisy Steiner:
Marsha -

[slow motion shot of falling wineglass]

Daisy Steiner:
We're not really -

[slow motion shot of falling wineglass]

Daisy Steiner:
- a couple.

[the wineglass hits the floor and shatters.]

Marsha Klein:
I can't believe you lied to me after all this time. I bought you a present for your anniversary. Both of 'em!

Brian:
I'm not an accessory, Twist. You can't just pick me up when you need me.

[Tim, Daisy, Mike, and Brian are gathered outside the restaurant]

Tim:
What are we going to do?

Mike:
We could go clubbing.

Tim:
I mean about Marsha, Mike! We've potentially destroyed her faith in the integrity of today's youth.

[the whole group looks at Tim quizzically]

Tim:
[correcting himself] - young adults.

Daisy Steiner:
We've got to pull together, or else we're going to lose everything.

Mike:
Clubbing it is, then!

Daisy Steiner:
I do want to go to Asia! I do want to see the Taj Mahal! The difference is, the Taj Mahal didn't sleep with it's boss and break my heart!

Tim Bisley:
Yeah, well... it might if you go to Asia!

Mike:
[Mike's thinking while being interviewed by TA Officer] I'm Andy McNab, I'm Andy McNab, I'm Andy Mc Nab, I'm Andie MacDowell ummmmm...

Mike:
In 1994 while on weekend manoeuvres in France, I commandeered a Chieftain tank without permission of my immediate superiors. I then attempted to invade Paris. However, en route I stopped off at Disneyland, or Eurodisney as it was then called, and was subsequently apprehended on Space Mountain.

TA Officer:
Do you have any explanation as to why you might have done this?

Mike:
Well sir, at the time, I was suffering from serious emotional problems that had clearly affected my judgement. I had immersed myself in a fantasy world of my own creation and as a result I became very insular and uncommunicative.

TA Officer:
Why do you think that was?

Mike:
[Shrugs] I dunno.

[Tim guesses he may move back in with Sarah]

Daisy Steiner:
What do you mean you have a funny feeling?

Tim:
I can read her like a book

Daisy Steiner:
Never judge a book by it's cover

Tim:
He who dares wins

Daisy Steiner:
Look before you leap

Tim:
Do YOU believe in life after love?

Daisy Steiner:
That's a song

Tim:
Sh*t.

[Tim is sitting in the pub, writing a poem while waiting for Sarah]

Tim Bisley:
I've held you in my arms a thousand times / Closed my eyes and known we would always be together / I smiled at you through all your many lies / And knowing and thinking that eternity would be never / As distance dulls the memory and bitter history grows hazy / I realise my one true love is in fact a girl called... "

Tim:
It's like when you have an orgasm on your own. Lyin there watching some porn movie you bought on a drunken, lonly night in SoHo. And you're lyin there, everything is really great. You're getting totally turned on by these absurdly graphic images. Everything seems so right, then Ppett. Bingo! You wake up. You're lyin there sweatin, despreatly lookin for the tissue, which you just know is still in your pocket. And the remote control which is somewhere on the floor. It's like walkin in on yourself. You know, 'What you doing?' That's how I felt tonight. Sitting here, feeling my heart miss a beat everytime the door opened. What the f*** are you doing.

Daisy Steiner:
Do you really watch porn in the flat?

Tim Bisley:
Uh... only when you're out. Sometimes while you're asleep in the bean bag.

Daisy Steiner:
Can I borrow some?

Tim Bisley:
Uh... Yeah.

Tim:
Life just isn't like the movies is it? We're constantly led to believe in resolution in the establishment of the ideal status qua, and it's just not true. Happy endings are a myth. Designed to make us feel better about the fact that life is just another thankless struggle.

Brian:
I'll pop back later if you change your... shoes.

Brian:
I see my ex girlfriends. Well, not so much "see" as "watch"...

[Mike is going into a job interview]

Tim Bisley:
Just... give it your best shot, OK?

Mike Watt:
Can't you come in with me?

Tim Bisley:
I'm not your dad, Mike!

[beat]

Tim Bisley:
Here's your sandwiches. I'll pick you up at five.

Marsha Klein:
Once again, the fruit of my loins has f***ed off to Top Shop with the housekeeing.

Tyres:
Last Night was an A1, tip-top, clubbing, jam fair. It was a sandwich of fun, on ecstasy bread, wrapped up in a big bag like disco fudge. It doesn't get much better than that. I just wish that I could control these *f***ing mood swings!*

Brian:
Let's weave!

Tim:
[on the phone] What you doing playing army on a Sunday morning, you're missing "Grange Hill".

Mike:
[on the other end of the phone] The TA is no game, Tim.

Tim:
It isn't the TA, Mike, it's the Rough Ramblers.

Mike:
[grunts] You're a civilian... you don't understand, you're thinking, "It's Sunday I'd rather be in bed."

Tim:
And you're thinking, "It's Sunday, I'd rather be in 'Apocalypse Now'."

Brian:
Can I borrow your video recorder?

Daisy Steiner:
What you going to do? Stick it to a canvas as a piece depicting a nation of cathode junkies, selling their imaginations for quick-fix media hits from the Blockbuster syringe?

Brian:
No, I want to record "Ready Steady Cook."

[on Brian]

Tim:
I do like him. I'm just not sure why.

Brian:
I'm working Tim, working. Do you understand?

Tim:
No, sorry. Got me there.

Brian:
Trying... to...avoid...clich?s by not actually placing my brush on the canvas.

Tim:
Wow. Right.

Brian:
I'm using my penis.

Tim:
Finally.

Daisy:
We've got to get used to each other. We don't know each other that well, do we?

Tim:
[cut to Tim enthusiastically reading a book labelled "Daisy's Diary"] Ah, ha ha, ha, ho, ho - Thrush!

Tim:
[cut back to the original scene] No.

[on Daisy's party decorations]

Brian:
I see at as a tribute to Christo, the artist.

Tim:
I see it as a waste of Baco, the foil.

Mike:
Wanna go into your party?

Tim:
But they were playing 'The Timewarp'. I hate 'The Timewarp'.

Mike:
Daisy likes it.

Tim:
So what? I hate it. It's boil-in-the-bag perversion for sexually repressed accountants and first-year drama students with too many posters of Betty Blue, The Blues Brothers, Big Blue and Blue Velvet on their blue bloody walls.

Tim:
What is this? This is rubbish. We should be listening to firm young melodies, kicking tunes, thumping bass... God I sound so stupid.

Twist Morgan:
Daisy. Don't you look nice? Bit of a midriff show. Big's in this season. Good for you.

Twist:
Hi. Interesting outfit.

Marsha Klien:
Oh thanks. Thought I'd make an effort.

Twist:
Mm, yeah. I can really see what you tried to do.

[on Amber]

Marsha Klein:
She's not a teenager, she's the devil in an A-cup!

[after Tim spitefully begins making moaning noises in the proximity of Daisy's phone call]

Richard:
Daisy! I can hear sex noise!

Tim:
What with the Skaterama at the East Finchley Uberbowl and the Tripods convention in Swindon, most of my friends are otherwise engaged.

Tim:
No hard feelings.

Duane:
You shot me in the bollocks.

Tim:
Like I said, no hard feelings.

Tim:
[groans] Oh... what?

Romford Thug Leader:
You KNOW what.

Tim:
Is it because I sang the Kia-Ora advert?

Daisy:
Oh I remember that "It's too orangey for crows"

Mike:
If there's one thing I've learned from the military, it's, "Never leave a man behind."

Brian:
It's a dog.

Mike:
Or a dog.

Brian:
All right.

Tyres:
Mine's a pint of the black stuff.

Mike:
You can't drink a pint of Bovril.

Mike:
Don't worry Daisy. Tim's just really ANGRY at you because you've just jeopardised his future.

Tim Bisley:
You ready, Mike?

Mike Watt:
I was born ready, Timmy.

Tim Bisley:
Yeah, but are you ready now?

Mike Watt:
Uhh... yeah.

Tim:
What's the hold up?

Mike:
There been an accident. Someone got hurt.

Tim:
Who?

Mike:
A lady.

Tim:
How d'you know?

Mike:
Because we hit her.

Tim:
Did we?

Mike:
Yeah. That's her there.

Tim:
Ah.

Tyres:
'Ave a banana.

Tyres:
OI OI.

Twist:
Why Brian? I happen to like going out! It's important for me to be seen out!

Brian:
Yeah, well I don't want to go out, I want to stay in.

Twist:
Oh, and have sex! That's all you want to do, I'm not just here for one thing! Why can't you see me as a whole?

Brian:
I do.

Twist:
A whole Brian, with a 'w'!

Brian:
Oh.

Brian's Mum:
Oh, Brian, your dad and I don't care what you do as long as you're not gay.

Damien Knox:
Tell him I make more money pimping his grandma.

Tim Bisley:
You got anything special planned for today?

Daisy Steiner:
I have got a bit of a project, actually. I'm going to be as inactive as I can in order to really get into the psyche of someone unemployed, not just vocationally but cerebrally, to see if the predicament of enforced passivity exacerbates itself. You know, does inactivity breed laziness?

Tim Bisley:
Are you going to write an article about it?

Daisy Steiner:
No, I can't be bothered.

Daisy Steiner:
They say the family of the 21st Century is made up friends, not relatives... then again maybe that's just bollocks.

Daisy:
Colin's gone.

Tim:
What?

Daisy:
He went next door.

Tim:
Oh, Daisy. I'm sorry. How did that happen?

Daisy:
He walked.

Tim:
Right, right. Sorry. My mum used to use "going next door" as a euphemism for being dead.

Mike:
Whoa. Does that mean my rabbit's dead?

Tim:
It's been 18 years Mike, where did you think he was?

Mike:
[sobbing] Next door!

Daisy:
[from the alternative ending] We live in a fantasy world, Tim. We've just constructed this fake utopia where y'know we never get old and never have to face the responsibilities of adulthood. We're just stretching our childhoods out as far as they can go.

Tim:
Yeah, I know. We're lucky aren't we?

Daisy:
I mean, I'm not going to be wearing plastic jewlery when I'm 40. Am I?

Tim:
I hope so.

[last lines]

Tim Bisley:
Alright?

Daisy Steiner:
Alright.

Daisy:
They were younger than us.

Tim:
What?

Daisy:
That couple. They were younger than us.

Tim:
Yeah, but only physically.

Daisy:
Where are we?

Tim:
In the cupboard.

Daisy:
Why?

Tim:
I have no idea.

Tim:
We've got to find her and we've got to say, "Marsha, we're sorry. I know we've done bad, I know we've hurt you, but please, for the sake of us, for the sake of Brian, for the sake of y'know, everything. *Please*, just don't sell the house."

Daisy:
Maybe not in such a whiny voice.

Tim:
[whiny] Okay.

[Tim and Mike are trying to break into Marsha's room.]

Daisy:
Look, I'm having no part in this.

Tim:
Look, we have to find out where Amber lives.

Daisy:
This is all wrong!

Mike:
C'mon Daisy. It's the only way.

Daisy:
Will you stop it!

Tim:
Do you want to be homeless? Do you want to go out and buy "Loot" every morning? Do you want to see what Marsha's room looks like?

[Tim and Mike smile mischievously at Daisy; the scene cuts to her kicking in the door to the room]

Tim:
Okay listen. When we get there let me do the talking. I *am* the only one here who's capable of serious communication, so - Sorry, sorry. That sounded bad. I didn't mean to suggest that you aren't good communicators. Alright, Mike?

Mike:
[grunting] Yes.

Tim:
Brian?

Brian Topp:
[Brian makes an unintelligible noise.]

Brian Topp:
What are you going to say to her?

Tim:
Well -

[dream sequence begins]

Tim:
Marsha, they say that the family of the twenty-first century is made up of friends, and not relatives, and if that's true, then you're the best aunty I've ever had!

Marsha Klein:
Aw.

[Marsha hugs him and gives him a quick peck; they pause, look at each other, and begin kissing deeply]

Brian Topp:
Tim?

Tim:
[returning from the daydream] Aaaaaaahhh!

Brian Topp:
You alright?

Tim:
Yeah, I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be fine? Light's green.

Tim:
Marsha, we really really want you back. What can we do to make you understand that?

Marsha Klein:
Something bloody spectacular.

Tim:
I'm sorry, okay, but just understand - we only did it cos we love living there. Y'know? And you're a big part of that. Look, they say the family of the twenty-first century is made up of friends, and not relatives, and if that's true, then you're the best aunty I ever had.

Marsha Klein:
[leaning in close to Tim, who braces himself for a kiss] Kiss. My. Ass.

Sophie:
Well, this doesn't have to be the end. We can still have sex on the Internet.

Tim:
That's what I was doing before. What time are you off tomorrow?

Sophie:
Twelve. Will you come with me to the airport?

Tim:
Yeah. Of course, course. Marvel, eh? That's really good.

[they hug]

Tim:
So what are you planning on doing for the next thirteen hours?

[Sophie raises an eyebrow suggestively; Tim looks to camera]

Brian Topp:
Can we go later?

Mike:
Why?

Brian Topp:
Frightened.

Mike:
C'mon, Brian. You've gotta be strong. What are you, a man or a mouse?

[Brian squeaks]

Mike:
It's on.

Tim:
What is?

Mike:
Something bloody spectacular.

Dexter:
Is this all above board, Sergeant?

Mike:
Are you questioning my orders, Dexter?

Dexter:
No, Sergeant.

Mike:
Do what I say and I'll make sure you're recommended for a promotion.

Dexter:
I just don't see how this matter is a concern for the military.

Mike:
Are we not soldiers, Dexter?

Dexter:
Yes, Sergeant.

Mike:
Do we not have a sacred duty to keep the peace?

Dexter:
Yes, Sergeant.

Mike:
Could you, in good conscience, neglect to intervene in a needless, solvable conflict?

Dexter:
No, Sergeant.

Mike:
Then go get your boombox, and let's rock.

Daisy:
[heard in voiceover as Tim reads her letter] Dear Tim - Please forgive the letter; I'm feeling a bit confused. Everything seems to have changed recently. We all seem to be drifting apart like leaves from once-green oak -

Tim:
Skip to the end.

Mike:
What do we have, other than my van, which has wheels, and is slightly quicker than walking?

Tim:
You've gotta be f***ing kidding.

Private Iron's command boot up:
COMMAND.COM, LOAD BIOS, AXE ON/AXE OFF, FRIED GOLD 75%, ORAC:SET, ZEN:CHECK, 7 ZARK 7:ON, TO. ROM. I.O., CONTROLLER.FAT, COMSPEC.EXE, BERTHA.DAT, LOG CROSSOVER, CHOCKABLOCK - ACTIV, PARITY SET, MEMORY SET, SYSTEM STATUS, OK.

Tim:
I think we should lose the axe.

Mike Watt:
I like the axe.

Tim:
I like my *face*.

Mike Watt:
*I* like your face.

Tim:
Let's keep the axe.

Daisy:
[on Tim and Mike's robot] What does "T.F.U" stand for?

Tim:
Uh... The F***est Upest.

Tim Bisley:
I think we should lose the axe...

Mike Watt:
I like the axe.

Tim Bisley:
I like my face!

Mike Watt:
I like your face...

Tim Bisley:
...Let's keep the axe.