Spider-Man: Homecoming

During the vlog at the airport, Spider-Man sees Iron Man, Captain America, Black Widow, War Machine and Black Panther

Spider-Man:
Okay, there's Captain America, Iron Man, Black Widow. WHOA! Who's that new guy?

Iron Man:
UNDEROOS!

Spider-Man:
Oh, that's me. Gotta go! Gotta go! [Drops the camera and grabbing Captain America's shield while webbing Cap's hands together] Hey, everyone.

[While fighting, Spider-Man found a safe place]

Spider-Man:
OKAY, THE CRAZIEST THING JUST HAPPENED! I JUST HAD A FIGHT WITH CAPTAIN AMERICA AND I STOLE HIS SHIELD AND I THREW IT AT HIM AND–! [Ant-Man grabbing War Machine from the previous movie] What the hell?! He's big now! I GOTTA GO!

[Spider-Man drops the camera]

Cindy:
Wait, what's going on?

Girl:
Peter's not going to Nationals.

Cindy:
No, no, no.

Abe:
[Smacks the bell] Why not?

Liz:
Really, right before Nationals?

Michelle:
He already quit marching band and robotics lab. [students stare at her] I'm not obsessed with him, I'm just very observant!

[At gym class, the students watch a video of Captain America]

Steve Rogers:
Hi, I'm Captain America. Whether in the classroom, or on the battlefield, physical fitness can be the difference between success or failure. Today my good friend, your gym teacher, will be conducting the Captain America Fitness Challenge.

Gym Teacher:
Thank you, Captain. I'm pretty sure this guy is a war criminal now, but whatever, I have to show these videos; it's required by the state.

[At shop class, Peter is disassembling a Chitauri power cell with a hammer]

Ned:
Whoa, what is that?

Peter:
I dunno, but some guy tried to vaporize me with it.

Ned:
Seriously? Awesome! I mean, not awesome... totally uncool, that guy.

Peter:
I think it's some kind of power source.

Ned:
Yeah, but it's connected to all these retro-processors. That's an inductive charging plate: it's what I use to charge my toothbrush.

Peter:
So whoever is making these weapons is obviously combining alien tech with ours.

Ned:
That is literally the coolest sentence anyone has ever said. I just want to thank you for letting me be a part of your journey.

[Peter and Ned are tracking a homing beacon attached to an arms dealer]

Ned:
It stopped.

Peter:
Maryland?

Ned:
What's there?

Peter:
Dunno. Evil lair?

Ned:
Evil lair?!

Peter:
Dude, a gang with alien guns run by a guy with wings? Yeah, they have a lair!

Ned:
Badass!

Peter:
Wow, they're in the middle of a heist! I could catch them all red-handed, this is awesome! Okay, I'm gonna get a little closer so I can see what's happening.

Karen:
Would you like me to engage enhanced combat mode?

Peter:
Enhanced combat mode? Yeah!

Karen:
Activating Instant-Kill.

Peter:
What?! No, no, no, I don't wanna kill anybody!

Karen:
De-activating Instant-Kill.

[Peter leaps off his vantage point, failing to swing and crashing into the ground]

Peter:
What the hell just happened, what was that?

Karen:
[Helpful] You jumped off a sign and then landed on your face.

Peter:
Should I tell Liz that I'm Spider-Man?

Karen:
Who is Liz?

Peter:
Who is Liz? She's the best; she's awesome. She's just a girl that goes to my school. But yeah, I really want to tell her... it's just really weird, you know? "Hey,... I'm Spider-Man."

Karen:
What's weird about that?

Peter:
Well, what if she's expecting someone like Tony Stark? Imagine how disappointed she'd be if she sees me.

Karen:
Well, if I were her, I wouldn't be disappointed at all.

Peter:
Aw, thanks Karen. [Beat] It's really nice to have somebody to talk to.

Peter:
Hey, Karen, what's up?

Karen:
Hey Peter! How was your Spanish quiz?

Peter:
I was wondering if you could help me. I'm trying to figure out who the guys were under the bridge that night, but I can only kinda remember part of the license plate-

Karen:
I can run facial recognition on the footage from that encounter!

Peter:
Footage?

Karen:
Yes, Peter, I record everything you see.

Peter:
Everything?!

Karen:
Everything. It's called the Baby Monitor Protocol.

Peter:
[So done with Tony's crap] Yeah, of course it is. Alright, just roll it back to last Friday.

Karen:
With pleasure!

Peter:
[In recording, doing impressions in his bathroom mirror] Hey, everybody, kickass party! Hey, Liz, Peter's told me a lot about you...

Peter:
Nope, nope, this is just me messin' around. Go later in the day.

Peter:
[In recording] It is I, Thor, son of Odin! [flexes]

Peter:
No, this is definitely not what you want to watch-

Karen:
Your impressions are very funny.

[Iron Man has a heart-to-heart with Spider-Man after saving the Staten Island Ferry]

Tony Stark:
Previously on Peter Screws the Pooch, I tell you to stay away from this. Instead, you hacked a multi-million dollar suit so you could sneak around behind my back doing the one thingl I told you not to do.

Peter:
Is everyone okay?

Stark:
No thanks to you.

Peter:
No thanks to me? Those weapons were out there, and I tried to tell you about it, but you didn't listen. None of this would've happened if you'd just listened to me! If you even cared, you'd actually be here.

[Tony Stark steps out of the suit to reveal that he IS actually there]

Stark:
I did listen, kid. Who do you think called the FBI, huh? Did you know that I was the only one who believed in you? Everyone else said I was crazy to recruit a 14-year-old kid.

Peter:
I'm 15.

Stark:
No, this is where you ZIP IT, all right? The adult is talking! What if somebody had died tonight? Different story, right? 'Cause that's on you. And if you died, I feel like that's on me. I don't need that on my conscience.

Peter:
Yes sir. I'm sorry.

Stark:
"Sorry" doesn't cut it.

Peter:
I understand. I just wanted to be like you.

Stark:
And I wanted you to be better. Okay, it's not working out. I'm gonna need the suit back.

Peter:
For how long?

Stark:
Forever.

Peter:
No! No, no, no! Please, please, please.

Stark:
Let's have it.

Peter:
You don't understand. This is all I have. I'm nothing without this suit.

Stark:
If you're nothing without this suit, then you shouldn't have it. Okay? Gosh, I sound like my dad.

Peter:
[Quietly] I don't have any other clothes.

Stark:
Okay, we'll sort that out.

[Adrian Toomes drives his daughter and Peter Parker to Homecoming]

Adrian Toomes:
So, what are you gonna do, Pete?

Peter:
Huh?

Toomes:
After you graduate? What are you gonna do?

Peter:
Um, I don't know.

Toomes:
I just figure, with you guys going to that school, you pretty much have your whole lives planned out, right?

Liz:
Peter has an internship with Tony Stark, so I'm pretty sure he doesn't have to worry.

Toomes:
Really? Stark? What do you do?

Peter:
[Nervous] Actually, I don't intern for him anymore.

Liz:
Really?

Peter:
Yeah, it got... boring.

Liz:
Boring? You got to hang out with Spider-Man!

Toomes:
Really? Spider-Man?! What's he like?

Peter:
Yeah, he's... nice. Solid dude.

Toomes:
I've seen you around, right? Because, even the voice...

Liz:
He does academic decathlon, and he was at my party.

Peter:
It was a great party, really beautiful house, lots of windows...

Liz:
You were there for like, two seconds.

Peter:
I was there longer than two seconds.

Liz:
You disappeared, like you always do, like you did in D.C., too.

Toomes:
[Considering these details] Terrible what happened down there in D.C., though. Pretty scary. Bet you were glad that your old pal Spider-Man showed up in the elevator, though?

Peter:
I actually... didn't go up that day, I saw it off on the ground.

Toomes:
Good old Spider-Man. [They arrive at Homecoming] You head in there, gumdrop. I'm gonna give Peter the old "dad talk".

Liz:
[To Peter] Don't let him intimidate you. Have a safe flight!

Toomes:
[Turning to Peter] Does she know?

Peter:
Know what?

Toomes:
So she doesn't, good. Close to the vest, I admire that. I've got a few secrets of my own. Of all the reasons I didn't want my daughter to date! Peter, nothing is more important to me than family. You saved my daughter's life, and I could never forget something like that, so I'll give you one chance. You ready? You walk through those doors, and you forget any of this happened. And don't you ever, ever interfere with my business again, because if you do, I will kill you, and everyone that you love. I'll kill you dead. That's what I'll do to protect my family. Pete, you understand? I just saved your life. Now, what do you say?

Peter:
...Thank you.

Toomes:
You're welcome. Now, you go in there, and you show my daughter a good time, okay? Just not too good.

[Mid-credits scene? Toomes is walking through a cell block when Mac Gargan approaches]

Gargan? Look who it is. What are the odds you and I’d end up in the same summer camp? Relax. This? [points at the scar on his forehead] It’s not on you. It’s on our, uh... little spider friend. I’ve got some boys on the outside who would love to meet him. You know, take a picture, slice his throat, put his head in a dryer. And I heard a rumor... you know who he is.

Toomes? If I knew who he was, he’d already be dead.

[Gargan stares at him with one eye severely bloodshot]

Guard? Toomes, your family’s here!

[Toomes walks away]

[Post-credits scene? A video of Captain America's Fitness Challenge is shown playing]

Steve Rogers:
Hi, I'm Captain America. Here to talk to you about one of the most valuable traits a student or soldier can have. Patience. Sometimes, patience is the key to victory. Sometimes, it leads to very little, and it seems like it's not worth it, and you wonder why you waited so long for something so disappointing... [Turns to someone off-screen] How many more of these?

Peter Parker/Spider-Man:
Hey guys! The illegal weapons deal ferry was at 10:30, ya missed it!

Tony Stark/Iron Man:
[to Peter at the Avengers' new base] Sorry I took your suit. I mean, you had it coming. Actually, it turns out it was the perfect sort of tough love moment that you needed, to urge you on, right? Don't you think?... let's just say it was. Look, you screwed the pooch hard. Big time. But then you did the right thing: you took the dog to the clinic, you raised the hybrid puppies... alright, not my best analogy. I just wanted to mention that I think with a little more mentoring, you could be a real asset to the team. There's about 50 reporters behind that door, real ones, not bloggers, so when you're ready... [reveals the Iron Spider armor] why don't you try that on, and we'll introduce the world to the newest official member of the Avengers: The Spider-Man.