Spider-Man XXX: A Porn Parody

[first lines]

J.J. Jameson:
Guess the hero doesn't always win.

Peter Parker:
What's that, Mr. Jameson?

J.J. Jameson:
Kraven the Hunter, framed for murder by that wall-crawling menace.

Robbie Robertson:
We don't know that, Jonah. Captain Stacy told me there's plenty of evidence.

J.J. Jameson:
Aww bullshit, Robbie, Kraven tried to rid this city of a pest and Spider-Man set him up. That man's a hero.

Peter Parker:
Look, you also say that *Nixon* was misunderstood.

J.J. Jameson:
Who asked you anyway, Parker? What good are you? This morning, Spider-Man and that Juggernaut knocked down a building. Where were you? Where are my pictures?

Peter Parker:
Well, I guess I can't be everywhere at once.

Robbie Robertson:
Jonah, we're not going to run that story. According to the Fantastic Four, Spider-Man tried to stop Juggernaut.

J.J. Jameson:
That's right. Tried and failed. Just like *this* little prick. [gestures at Parker] I pay you to be everywhere. You know what, Parker? You're fired. Fired. F-I-R-E-D, fired. Get outta here. Out. Out. Get out.

Black Widow:
Are you going to help me figure out what I need to know?

Spider-Man XXX:
Oh yeah.

Black Widow:
You are, aren't you?

Spider-Man XXX:
We might have a team.

Black Widow:
Are you my b*tch now, Spider-Man?

Aunt May:
Peter, don't you remember Mary-Jane Watson? She used to live next door.

Mary-Jane:
I used to beat you up... when we were like... five?

Peter Parker:
Well, you've certainly changed.

Mary-Jane:
Yeah, a little. You filled out, too.

Aunt May:
Mary Jane's back in town finishing her master's at ESU. I told her she could stay here. I expect you to show her around town.

Mary-Jane:
Let's face it, Tiger, you just hit the jackpot.

Flash Thompson:
Hey, Pete, you did eventually lose your virginity, didn't you?

Gwen Stacy:
He did. We used to date.

Peter Parker:
Oh, just when things seemed like they couldn't get any more awkward.

[last lines]

Aunt May:
[doorbell rings] I'll get it, Peter. I'm expecting someone.

Dr. Otto Octavius:
Good Afternoon. I understand you have a room for rent?

Aunt May:
Pleased to meet you.

Dr. Otto Octavius:
You're very kind, my dear. The name's Octavius, Dr. *Otto* Octavius.