Spy Hard

McCluckey:
I wasn't even in My Girl 2!

Coleman:
Good God! He must be stopped!

General Rancor:
Dick Steele couldn't stop me fifteen years ago, and all the D*cks you got won't stop me now!

Coleman:
Well, apparently he hasn't, uh, seen the size of some of our newer members!

Dick Steele, Agent WD-40:
I'm going in there.

Veronique Ukrinsky, Agent 3.14:
That's crazy!

Dick Steele, Agent WD-40:
No, crazy is walking down the street with half a cantaloupe on your head, muttering "I'm a hamster, I'm a hamster."

Dick Steele, Agent WD-40:
Operator, get me Washington.

Dick Steele, Agent WD-40:
D.C.

Veronique Ukrinsky, Agent 3.14:
Have a nice flight, and I wish you adieus

Dick Steele, Agent WD-40:
Thank you, but I am quite satisfied with the do I have.

Agent Steve Bishop:
Sir, we have intercepted a disturbing video on the rock of gabraltar.

The Director:
Well, what is it?

Agent Steve Bishop:
It's this really big rock sticking out of the water on the south coast of Spain.

Veronique:
Oh, Dick, you came for me. Tell me, what...what's been happening?

Dick:
Well, I've been doing a lot of soul searching, getting in touch with my inner child. And after careful consideration, well...I have decided that I love you.

Veronique:
But what about my father?

Dick:
Well, I like him. I just have to get to know him better.

Veronique:
No, is he OK? Have you got the chip?

Dick:
Oh, no, he's fine. And I've got the chip.

Veronique:
Oh, I love you, too.

Veronique:
Oh, Dick, it's so nice to know that everything is going to be all right. You have the chip. My father's safe. You love me, Dick.

Dick:
Love? Let me tell you about love, Veronique. Love is a dewdrop on a rose petal. Love is a drop of rain pure and shimmering and trembling. So moist, so wet. And those tiny little drops of love come together, gathering up grown buds, and fallen flowers, and dirt, and dung, and deer droppings, flowing faster and faster, outward to the sea, onward and onward and...

(Veronique pulls Dick closer to her and kisses him long and hard; during the kiss, a rocket blasts off into the sky, turns and explodes.)

Dick:
Good night. We'll talk more in the morning.

Thug #1:
This is for Getting Even with Dad!

Thug #2:
And this is for My Girl!

Thug #1:
And this is for My Girl 2!

McCluckey:
I wasn't even in My Girl 2!

Thugs #1 and #2:
We don't care!!

The Director inserts a video transmission sent by Rancor into the VCR

Coleman:
You gotta put it on channel three! (Director presses channel three button)

Bishop:
No, four! (Director presses a button)

Bishop:
Switch it to VHS. (Director presses the relevant button)

Coleman:
Aaaaaand, take it off of cable.

Bishop:
Put it on the monitor.

Announcer:
And now for a special message from Rancor Industries!

General Rancor:
She makes a pretty hood ornament, don't you think? Yes, it is I, good old General Rancor. I'm back, big as life and twice as ugly! You did everything except eat me, and I'm still alive. All Steele did was blow off a couple of arms. That's no biggie, no big thing. Now I got plenty of arms!! Big arms!! Pretty arms!! I got arms up the wazoo! Now let me show you something. Your pretty little agent is now part of the nose cone on top of my missile. This missile will be launched in 36 hours and nothing will stop me!! Only thing is, I'm missing one little chip that controls my satellite, and dag-gone, I want it back! Now you hand me my chip, and I'll give you back your agent. Dick Steele couldn't stop me 15 years ago, and all the D*cks you've got won't stop me now!!

Coleman:
We must inform the director! (Presses a button on the desk telephone)

Director:
(Through telephone) This is the Director. What is it, Coleman and Bishop?

Bishop:
Ah, sir we intercepted a very distrubing satellite transmission from our listening post on the rock of Gibraltar.

Director:
Well, what is it?

Bishop:
It's this really big rock sticking out of the water on the south coast of Spain.

(Director emerges from his hiding spot under the table; a wooden board with a telephone on it is strapped around his head.)

Director:
(With the distorted telephone-like voice) What is the transmission? (Gets up)

Dick Steele:
I'm Bud Fudlacker. I have a small mail order business. I travel with the American Gladiators. I'm 55. I like small appliances, and I do tax accounting on the side.

Dick Steele:
Crazy? Some people think walking down the street muttering to yourself is crazy. I'll tell you what crazy is: Crazy is walking down the street with half a cantaloupe on your head, saying: "I'm a hamster. I'm a hamster." That's crazy.

Dick Steele:
[To the armless Rancor] I'd shake your hand, but I don't remember where it landed.

Veronique Ukrinsky:
Let me guess: You are Dick Steele. Agent WD-40 and with the Secret Service. You are 52. You like big screen TVs and you wish to stop General Rancor.

Veronique Ukrinsky:
Here's to your remarkable powers of observation, Mr. Steele. I am agent 3.14. Veronique Ukrinsky. My father is the professor.

Veronique Ukrinsky:
This is a picture of my father. If we get separated, find him. Save him.

Veronique Ukrinsky:
Get out of here. This is a front for Rancor.

Veronique Ukrinsky:
Dick, this is crazy.

Veronique Ukrinsky:
Dick, come on. We have to go! NOW!!

General Rancor:
That Steele's gonna be sorry his mama ever met his papa. We gonna heat up the fire! Boys!!

General Rancor:
[giving orders to kill a mime] And when you shoot him, use the silencer.