Squidbillies

Dan Halen:
Another dead baby? Sue the parents!

Granny:
When Jesus was president he ate babies all the time.

Narrator:
Nothing binds a father and a son more closely than the truth behind the decapitated hooker in the rec room.

Sheriff:
You passed, boy!

Rusty:
I did? I did! Hell, yeah! I'm a high school congraduate.

Earlie Cuyler:
Graduations, Rusty.

Rusty:
Ain't nuthin gonna stop me now but my innate inabilitree to progress cognatious thunk.

Lil:
Well, y'all need me, I'll be putting pictures of my ass on the internet.

Granny:
Hooray, magic Jesus!

Earlie Cuyler:
She was my dream, my muse. A vision suitable for the wide-screen format. I can still taste her fist against my face. The sweet sugary sweat from a lifetime of diabetes. A heartbeat you could hear from six blocks away. One big pump every hour.

[Rusty and Krystal are looking at pictures]

Krystal:
Well, then there's one of me. Here's one of them what you call 'em Glamour Shots what have you. Whaddaya know, there's me. No, that's a bus.

Krystal:
How is your daddy?

Rusty:
Oh, he's good, he's good. Just got out of prison not too long ago.

Krystal:
No I'm sorry, "Who". I mean who's your daddy?

Rusty:
Uh, Early Cuyler.

Krystal:
Tall guy?

Rusty:
No.

Krystal:
Big belly?

Rusty:
No.

Krystal:
Red hair?

Rusty:
Not the one.

Krystal:
Kinda looks like Charlie Sheen?

Rusty:
Not him neither.

Krystal:
Or is Charlie Sheen?

Rusty:
No, not Charlie Sheen.

Krystal:
Is he a football team?

Rusty:
Nope.

Krystal:
Is he the groundskeeping crew for the football team?

Rusty:
No.

Krystal:
Are you sure it's not Charlie Sheen?

Rusty:
No Mama!

[Early's pager goes off]

Earlie Cuyler:
Aww, hell, that's the office. I can't believe I gotta go in on a Wednesday. Them people can't wipe they ass without me.

Dan Halen:
Erupt into a Bev-Rage this summer with "Glug"! That's the slogan. We'll add the word "Dawg" for the blacks. They like that word, like they're friends with the product.

Earlie Cuyler:
What did I tell you about drinking underneath the age, huh?

Rusty:
You said if I could afford to bring back enough for you then you don't care what I do. And it's my body and I can kill it however I want to. And America's about freedom.

Earlie Cuyler:
Allow me to explain the contamination process. Pine cones go in here, party liquors comes out here and proceed to here. [points to mouth] Fights begin, finger prints are took, days is lost, bail is made, court dates are ignored, cycle is repeated.

Sheriff:
Oh one other thing Earlie. Your boy needs to be in school.

Earlie Cuyler:
School? Ain't dat da damn place where they got all dem uhh lets see, whatcha call um uhh? Fold outs covered in scriblins wrote up all over.

Earlie Cuyler:
uhh? Books?

Earlie Cuyler:
uh-uh, uh-uh, No they square like a magazine.

Sheriff:
Books Earlie.

Earlie Cuyler:
Noo not not that, but something like that, I wanna say boooooo...

Earlie Cuyler:
If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, den shoot that lying summa' b*tch goose and supa' down!

Dan Halen:
And what about your work ethic?

Earlie Cuyler:
I don't think ethnics do no work, I mean that's they problem really. If you ain't like me go hang from a damn tree.

Dan Halen:
Overt racial prejudice. Impressive.

Granny:
Don't you dare hurt him!

Earlie Cuyler:
Oh, and what's your saggy mouth gonna say about it?

Granny:
Ablomandelebicus, Pentoculus, Benturpenoise, Farntormion, Crisco, Dophenecta, Glabbafontonion, Smectarufus, Fontanox, Chicken Dance, Trenoctor, Pontallafamarion, Tudonox, Mellicanisis! [the walls of the house open up and Earlie is struck by lightning]

Earlie Cuyler:
You lucky b*tch! That's the one thing you could have said.

Earlie Cuyler:
Toodly do! Them hippies show up?

Rusty:
They out back. Daddy why they come up here every week?

Earlie Cuyler:
Here you go, boy. I bought you a video game [gives Rusty a bucket with sponge & soap]

Rusty:
You did?

Earlie Cuyler:
Hell no. Wash them trucks. But you leave the boat to me. Don't you touch that sumbitchin' boat. A boat is not a toy. Thank you. The boat is mine. THE BOAT IS MINE!

Earlie Cuyler:
Fruit don't talk. Fruit just listens... and waits.

Sheriff:
Howdy, y'all. Guess who I just apprehended in town. A dozen of my mama's gingerbread men shaped just like yours truly. Mmm-mmmm they're good!

Earlie Cuyler:
Whup his ass.

Rusty:
Uh, Look at that, boy.

Sheriff:
Look at what?

Rusty:
Uh, I don't know.

Earlie Cuyler:
Look at this, right chere! [knocks the cookies out of the Sheriff's hands]

Sheriff:
Damn... they would have to fall frosting down.

Rusty:
Oh, Lord, I'm sorry, Sheriff. That was an accident.

Earlie Cuyler:
Accident? Boy!

Rusty:
I mean accident time on you. You fall on my fist, your face hurt! Accident to you, boy!

Earlie Cuyler:
That's what I'm talkin' about. Hell, yeah! Come on now, turn it on son. Turn it on.

Rusty:
Turn it on son. Turn it on!

Earlie Cuyler:
No, no, no, It's already on. Okay, you got to tell him it's on!

Rusty:
It is on... boy.

Earlie Cuyler:
Follow with a simile. Come on.

Rusty:
It's on like... uh

Earlie Cuyler:
What's it on like? Preferably a rhyme.

Rusty:
It's on like, like Michelle Kwan!

Earlie Cuyler:
...Oh, son.

Rusty:
I'll do a tripe-axle lutz on your zambonied ice.

Sheriff:
Rusty, It's on like Red Dawn or Charles Bron-son. Or hell, I'd even have accepted the movie "Tron". But Michelle Kwan? Please.

Rusty:
She made sacrifices to get where she is!

Earlie Cuyler:
Damn it! How many times have we watched Road House this weekend? How many times, Rusty? How damn many?

Rusty:
Four?

Earlie Cuyler:
Damn, that's a lot.

Narrator:
Early's tenure as CEO of Dan Halen International had not been long, but it had been distinguished... By drunkenness, hair-trigger violence, and a total lack of performance. I would call it a steady decline in performance, but that would imply that he performed at one point in time. In fact he had not. He was drunk.

Rusty:
Hey daddy how do I do a breast self exam?

Earlie Cuyler:
Mens don't do that, Rusty. and mens don't lay no sisified eggs out of their butt glands neither.

Rusty:
What we doin up here?

Earlie Cuyler:
We going to de-b*tch-ulate you boy. Make a man of you. Now put on your camo, cause you got to blend in with nature.

Rusty:
But, but this is orange

Earlie Cuyler:
No, no, Tangerine, boy. You see those deers is going to think this ain't nothin but a common Georgia fruit tree. We just two big friendly deadly deadly honeydews!

Rusty:
But, but daddy!

Earlie Cuyler:
Unuh, fruit don't talk. Fruit just listens... and waits. Look over yonder. [points to cake in woods]

Rusty:
WELL HOT DAMN! Is that lemon flavored?

Earlie Cuyler:
Shhh! Chocolate. Once them deers smell that birthday cake them sumbitches will come a running.

Earlie Cuyler:
Godalmighty, we ask you to bless this feast what lie before us, and please allow these spent lottery tickets with their silvery scratchery seasonings to nourish our bodies as they were unable to do the same to our wallets. Lord, thankya for the untimely frost you sent what claimed our pointless bananer orchards. Oh I was a fool to plant my nanners on a mountain, you made sure of that. In short, thanks for nuthin'.

Earlie Cuyler:
Son, there's every chance in the world I was drunk when I said that.

Earlie Cuyler:
I do apprecinate the generous offer, but knifery is the tool of an idiot. I listen to my gut and my gut tells me that this ain't a fit, but my heart says this could work and gut's a damn moron, so they get to carring on and then my brain chimes in and saying I got to try my hand at the fast second pace world of adult literture.

Sheriff:
Early you sure you don't want to sleep on it? This is a 4 figure opportunity.

Earlie Cuyler:
You want to sleep forever? I said Adult Literture!

Earlie Cuyler:
Dear lord... please allow this dangerous combination of hair spary, bat slobber, and D.O.T. four automatic transmission fluid to excite my mind, occupy my spirits, and enrage my body, provoking me to kick any man or woman in the back of the head regardless of what he or she has or has not done unto me. All my Best, Earlie Cuyler.

Granny:
Seems to me if you bought your Sunday beer on Saturday night, this becomes a complete non-issue.

Earlie Cuyler:
...Inconvenient.

Earlie Cuyler:
Numbers? Numbers? Numbers was created by the prehistoric hispanics so they could thieve all the jobs from the Romans! Dinosaurs too! Hell yea!

Sheriff:
Uh... dinosaurs what?

Earlie Cuyler:
Computers, yup! Romans...

Reverend:
May God have mercy on your Soul!

Earlie Cuyler:
Who's the sumbitch told you that?

Earlie Cuyler:
I love you. I'll find you! I will kill you.

Earlie Cuyler:
Rusty, you've got to keep the beat. What did I teach you about perseverance young man?

Rusty:
That if at first you don't succeed, it wasn't meant to be. It's just a waste of time 'cause the unions just gonna take your money anyway, 'cause they jealous that we got an extra bone in our body that makes us smarter, but don't nobody in science care to acknowledge that, and you were an unwanted pregnancy, and you ruined my dirtbikin career, and get outta my sight you disgust me! You talking bout that one daddy?

Earlie Cuyler:
[sniffles] And a son has done been imparted with the knowledge of a father.

Earlie Cuyler:
[quoting from "The Devil Went Down to Georgia"] I told you once, you son of a b*tch, I'm the best that's ever been!

Dan Halen:
Good work, Denny. You've arrested a fish... and your car.

Denny (misshapen Sheriff clone):
Mmmhmm. Yep, I done it. Thank you.

Dan Halen:
Any reason?

Denny (misshapen Sheriff clone):
Suspicion, collusion... That that car goin' use that wide mouth bass goin' turn into a robot. Probably.

Dan Halen:
Denny, I highly doubt that. But, if that's how you choose to spend your weekend.

Denny (misshapen Sheriff clone):
I reckon I do. I'm the law. Tell 'em I done whittle this down to get that piece of corn out of my teeth that's been buggin me for two weeks.

Dan Halen:
Very impressive. Do you see that cloud outside? [indicating poisonous cloud killing the townspeople].

Denny (misshapen Sheriff clone):
Yeah-huh.

Dan Halen:
Direct traffic into it.

Earlie Cuyler:
You never get scored as a parent; like in bowling. But you should. Cause then I would receive the gold medal for love. I know that boy will make a name for hisself one day. He'll be a world famous trucker. Or maybe I'll spot him one night in the battle cage. A mysterious eight-legged scrapper executing a perfect rear naked choke on Tim "The Maine-iac" Sylvia. And I'll say "That's my boy... That is MY boy."

Earlie Cuyler:
I turn my back for one damn three-day bender and you transaxulate yourself into a damn woman?

Granny:
A fool and his money...

Earlie Cuyler:
Together again!

Krystal:
The thrill is in the chase. You gotta work like ya never been hurt, f@*k like ya don't need the money, an' scratch like no one's watchin'.

Granny:
[Aunt Lil is dancing with Rusty] Oh, you two are just the cutest. You mind if I steal him for just a little bit of this dance?

Aunt Lil:
Oh I'm afraid this handsome fella here is taken.

Granny:
Ooh, I just got sassed by a whore!

Aunt Lil:
Back off you old b*tch! He is mine!

Granny:
Yeah, it's on!

Earlie Cuyler:
What time is it?

Lil:
'Bout 2:30.

Earlie Cuyler:
What the? Damn, I'm two days and six hours late for work.

Earlie Cuyler:
Where do I see myself in five beers?

Sheriff:
Years.

Earlie Cuyler:
Uhh, I don't know. Jail?

Earlie Cuyler:
I do appreciate the generous offer, but knife here is the tool of the idiot. I listen to my gut and my gut tells me this ain't a fit, but my heart says this could work, and gut's a damn moron. So they get to carryin' on and then my brain chimes in saying I got to try my hand at the fast sex paced world of adult literature.

Sheriff:
Hey Early, this here's a four-figure opportunity. You sure you don't want to sleep on it?

Earlie Cuyler:
You wanna sleep forever? I said Adult Literature!

Dan Halen:
I think what most impresses me, Earlie, is the effort and detail which you've clearly shown in urinating on my laptop.

Earlie Cuyler:
I don't care to consort with those of the robot race.

Dan Halen:
...and why would you? I think that about covers it. Earlie, welcome to Dan Halen Sheetrock, International.

Dan Halen:
So, under experience, you've listed here on your hat-shaped resume that you can skin a buck, run a trout line and that all your rowdy friends...

Earlie Cuyler:
...are comin' over tonight, y'sir.

Dan Halen:
Earlie, you're the most inpressive squid I've interviewed for this position. Let's talk briefly about your work ethic.

Earlie Cuyler:
Well, I don't think ethnics do no work. I mean, that's they problem, really. If you ain't like me, go hang from a damn tree.

Dan Halen:
Overt racial prejudice... impressive, Earlie.

Earlie Cuyler:
I thank you, kindly.

[You hate what you fear and you fear what you don't understand]

Granny:
When I was little, we didn't have fancy ketchup. We just had ketchup. We used to make it out in the back out of opossum tails. Only we just called it blood.