Steel Magnolias

Clairee:
I've just been to the dedication of the new children's park.

Truvy:
Yeah, how did that go?

Clairee:
Janice Van Meter got hit with a baseball. It was fabulous.

Truvy:
Was she hurt?

Clairee:
I doubt it. She got hit in the head.

Truvy:
In a good shoe, I wear a size six, but a seven feels so good, I buy a size eight.

Truvy:
Time marches on and sooner or later you realize it is marchin' across your face.

Shelby:
Pink is my signature color.

M'Lynn:
That sanctuary looks like it's been hosed down with Pepto-Bismol.

Ouiser Boudreaux:
I am just about at the end of my rope with you.

Drum:
Well, then why don't you tie a noose and slip it 'round your head?

Truvy:
I kind of like hiring somebody with a past.

Clairee:
She can't be more than eighteen. She hasn't had time to have a past.

Truvy:
Oh get with it, Clairee. This is the eighties. If you can achieve puberty, you can achieve a past.

Ouiser Boudreaux:
I do not see plays, because I can nap at home for free. And I don't see movies 'cause they're trash, and they got nothin' but naked people in 'em! And I don't read books, 'cause if they're any good, they're gonna make 'em into a miniseries.

Clairee Belcher:
All gay men have track lightin'. And all gay men are named Mark, Rick, or Steve.

Ouiser Boudreaux:
I'm not crazy, M'Lynn, I've just been in a very bad mood for 40 years!

Ouiser Boudreaux:
This is it, I've found it, I'm in hell.

Drum:
Ouiser, can we call a truce long enough for me to get a piece of cake?

Drum:
Aww, thanks Ouiser. Nothin' like a good piece of ass.

Annelle:
I think we should pray.

Sammy:
I'd rather eat dirt!

Clairee Belcher:
Looks like two pigs fightin' under a blanket.

Truvy:
When it comes to pain and suffering, she's right up there with Elizabeth Taylor.

Shelby:
Well, we went skinny dipping and we did things that frightened the fish.

Annelle:
Miss Truvy, I promise that my personal tragedy will not interfere with my ability to do good hair.

Shelby:
Truvy, you know what you need in here? You need a radio, takes the pressure off of everyone feeling they have to talk so much.

Truvy:
I had one once, but I threw it up against the wall when I couldn't figure out where the batteries went. I know now I was suffering from pre-menstrual syndrome.

Shelby:
I would rather have thirty minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special.

Truvy:
There's so much static electricity in this room, I pick up everything but boys and money.

Clairee Belcher:
Well, you know what they say: if you don't have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me!

Truvy:
I'm just screamin' at my husband; I can do that any time!

Clairee Belcher:
They were both high. They'd been smokin' everything but their shoes.

Truvy:
Oh, Sammy's so confused he don't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his butt.

Ouiser Boudreaux:
The only reason people are nice to me is because I have more money than God.

Ouiser Boudreaux:
I'm not as sweet as I used to be.

Truvy:
I have a strict policy that nobody cries alone in my presence.

Clairee Belcher:
I love ya more than my luggage.

Ouiser Boudreaux:
You are a pig from hell.

Ouiser Boudreaux:
You are too twisted for color TV!

Ouiser Boudreaux:
I'm not crazy, I've just been a very bad mood for the last 40 years!

Clairee Belcher:
That which does not kill us, makes us stronger.

Clairee Belcher:
The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize.

Ouiser Boudreaux:
My God, you look different. Have you shrunk?

Annelle:
We'll talk about uncomfortable when you're nine months pregnant!

Ouiser Boudreaux:
Yes, Annelle, I pray! Well, I do! There, I said it, I hope you're satisfied.

Annelle:
I suspected this all along!

Ouiser Boudreaux:
Oh! Well don't you expect me to come to one of your churches or one of those tent-revivals with all those Bible-beaters doin' God-only-knows-what! They'd probably make me eat a live chicken!

Annelle:
Not on your first visit!

Clairee Belcher:
Very good, Annelle! You've spoken like a true smart-ass!

Truvy:
Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion.

Truvy:
Smile! It increases your face value.

Clairee Belcher:
You know, you would be a much more contented, pleasant person if you would find ways to occupy your time.

Ouiser Boudreaux:
I'm pleasant. Damn it! I saw Drum Eatenton at the Piggly Wiggly this morning, and I smiled at the son of a b*tch 'fore I could help myself.

Clairee Belcher:
Ouiser could never stay mad at me; she worships the quicksand I walk on.

Ouiser Boudreaux:
Drum, eat sh*t and die.

Ouiser Boudreaux:
You are evil, and you must be destroyed.

Clairee Belcher:
Mother Nature's taking care of that faster than you could.

Ouiser Boudreaux:
Annelle, take your Bible and shove it where the sun doesn't shine.

Truvy:
Oh, honey, God don't care which church you go, long as you show up!

Ouiser Boudreaux:
Clairee, this is just a gesture. We're not feedin' Drum until the end of time.

Clairee Belcher:
Drum loves pork and beans. Eats 'em with everything.

Ouiser Boudreaux:
Well, that explains a lot.

Annelle:
We are in the house of the Lord!

Clairee Belcher:
A lot she cares. Ousier's never done a religious thing in her life.

Ouiser Boudreaux:
Now that is not true. When I was in school, a bunch of my friends and I would dress up as nuns and go bar-hoppin'.

Ouiser Boudreaux:
A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.

Truvy:
You are playin' hard to get!

Clairee Belcher:
At her age, she should be playin' beat the clock.

Clairee Belcher:
Ouiser, I'd recognize this penmanship anywhere. You have the handwritin' of a serial killer.

Sammy:
Oh, Annelle, for Christ's sake!

Annelle:
Who?

Sammy:
Christ.

Annelle:
Who did you say?

Sammy:
Christ, Christ, Christ!

Annelle:
Is that our Lord whose name you're taking in vain?

Sammy:
That's the one.

Clairee:
Ouiser, you sound almost chipper what happened today you run over a small child or something?

Clairee Belcher:
The older you get, the sillier you get.

Ouiser Boudreaux:
Yeah, well the older you get, the uglier you get.

Clairee:
And I can also report that a mysterious car is parked in her driveway at least once a week...

Ouiser Boudreaux:
There. My secrets out. I'm having an affair with a Mercedes Benz!

Annelle:
That is one ugly dog. What kind of dog is that?

Clairee:
If it had hair, it'd be a Saint Bernard.

Truvy:
Well, these thighs haven't gone out of the house without lycra on them since I was 14.

Clairee:
You were brought up right.

Truvy:
There is no such thing as natural beauty.

M'Lynn:
Shelby, the boys bought the car around.

Shelby:
What did they do to it?

M'Lynn:
Well, let me put it this way... If you and Jackson want to practice safe sex, you're all set!

Truvy:
I don't like her. I don't think it's natural for a woman to do her own hair.

M'Lynn:
Oh Ouiser, Drum would NEVER point a loaded gun at a lady!

Ouiser Boudreaux:
Oh! He's a real gentleman! I bet he takes the dishes out of the sink before he PEES in it!

Truvy:
Louie brought his new girlfriend over, and the nicest thing I can say is all her tattoos are spelled correctly.

Annelle:
It’s in the ‘Freezes Beautifully’ section of my cookbook, and I want to make something that freezes beautifully.

Clairee:
You made a very good catch, Shelby. Louisiana lawyers do well whether they want to or not!!

Shelby:
Oh, l don't really care. Well, I mean, don't get me wrong. The money is real nice and all. But l just like the idea of growing old with somebody. My dream is to get old, and sit on the back porch, covered with grandchildren, and I'll say: No! and Stop that!

Truvy:
[laughs] Are you gonna quit your nursin' job?

Shelby:
Never! I love it! I love bein' around all those babies!!

M'Lynn:
Drum and I both feel that she should not work after she gets married.

Shelby:
Well I'm so anxious to discuss this topic for the 900th time this week!!

M'Lynn:
You should not be on your feet all day!! You should be kinder to your circulatory system!!

Shelby:
Ya know what you need in here, Truvy? You need a radio. Music is a wonderful thing to have in the background. It takes the pressure off of everybody feeling they have to talk so much.

Truvy:
Oh, I used to have one, but I smalled it against the wall when I couldn't figure out where the batteries went. Of course, I know now I was suffering from pre-menstrual syndrome.

Clairee:
A radio. What did I just hear—? Oh, yes! The Antilley family is sellin' KPPD! I wonder how much radio stations sell for.

Shelby:
Miss Clairee. You should buy KPPD! You got plenty of money!

Clairee:
What would I do with a radio station? Oh, business never interested me. Lloyd took care of all that stuff. Shelby, I hope you and Jackson will be as happy as Lloyd and I were. We had such a good time. Until November. Well, at least he hung on through the state playoffs.

Shelby:
Miss Clairee, there are still good times to be had.

Clairee:
Well, I really do love football, but it's hard to parlay that into a reason to live.

Truvy:
What are your colors, Shelby?

Shelby:
They're blush and bashful.

M'Lynn:
Her colors are pink and pink.

Shelby:
My colors are blush and bashful, Mama.

M'Lynn:
How precious is this wedding gonna get, I ask you?

Shelby:
My colors are blush and bashful. I have chosen two shades of pink, one is much deeper than the other.

M'Lynn:
But the bridesmaids dresses, they are really beautiful.

Shelby:
Ceremony will be too. The walls are banked with sprays of flowers, and my two shades of blush and bashful. Pink carpets especially laid out for my service, and pink silk bunting, draped over anything that would stand still.

M'Lynn:
That sanctuary looks like it's been hosed down with Pepto Bismol!

Shelby:
I like pink! Pink is my signature color.

Truvy:
How many bridesmaids?

Shelby:
Nine!

Truvy:
Nine?! Good Lord!!

Shelby:
Exactly. Mama made me have my cousins and Margie St. Maurice.

M'Lynn:
Shelby, let's not go into this now! You know there was no way around it!

Shelby:
It will be pretentious. And Daddy always says, An ounce of pretension is worth a pound of manure.

M'Lynn:
The poet laureate of Dogwood Lane.

Shelby:
Mama, I wish you'd get off Daddy's back.

M'Lynn:
Shelby, look, now l don't really wanna get into—

Truvy:
Fill us in on the reception!!

Shelby:
My reception! My reception! Ferns, dancing, tons of people! Every pink flower west of the Mississippi. Wedding cake in the dining room and the groom's cake... Hidden in the carport?

M'Lynn:
Shelby and I, we agree on one thing.

M'Lynn and Shelby:
The groomscake!!

Shelby:
It's awful!! lt's in the shape of a giant armadillo.

Truvy:
An armadillo?! You're jokin' right?

Shelby:
No. Jackson wanted a cake in the shape of an armadillo. He's got an aunt that makes them.

Clairee:
It's unusual.

M'Lynn:
It's repulsive! It's got gray icing! I can't even begin to think how you make gray icing!

Shelby:
Worse the cake part is red velvet cake. Blood red!! People are gonna be hackin' into this poor animal that looks like it's bleedin' to death.

M'Lynn:
The rehearsal supper was a real experience.

Shelby:
Mama, it wasn't that bad! It was out at Jackson's uncle's place on the river.

M'Lynn:
Jackson comes from the good old Southern family with good old Southern values. Ya either shoot it, stuff it or marry it.

Shelby:
They're simply outdoorsy, that's all.

Truvy:
Did ya'll do anything especially romantic?

Shelby:
We drove down to Frenchmen's Point and went parkin'!

M'Lynn:
Oh, Shelby. Really!

Truvy:
Oh, M'Lynn, leave her alone. This is my favorite part. This is the romantic part. Now, see, that's what really melts my butter.

Shelby:
well, then we went skinny dipping, and we did things that frightened the fish.

Clairee:
It's been a long time since we had a youngster in this place.

Shelby:
We talked and talked and talked…

Truvy:
I love those kinda talks in the arms of the man you love!

Shelby:
Actually, we fought most of the time.

Truvy:
You fought?

Shelby:
Well, cause I told him I wouldn't marry him.

M'Lynn:
What?!

Clairee:
Why'd you go and do a thing like that?

Shelby:
Oh, it's okay now. We worked it all out.

Truvy:
Oh, it's probably one of those last minute jitter things.

Shelby:
No, but the weddin's still on.

Truvy:
Well, thank goodness. [pointing to Shelby's hairstyle] 'Cause this is going to be in the hairdo hall of fame.

Clairee:
Shelby, you scared us. That wasn't a nice thing to do to your mama. You should never say something like that to a woman who's marinating fifty pounds of crab claws

Truvy:
Oh, but the makin' up can be extremely romantic. I miss romance so much.

Clairee:
Oh, Truvy, it can't be that bad.

Truvy:
Oh really, now? Well, the last romantic thing my husband did for me was back in 1972. He enclosed this carport so that I could support him!

M'Lynn:
Well, Truvy, now I think I have somethin' that could cheer you up. Drum and l have been plannin' to talk to your husband about buildin' a room on to our house.

Truvy:
M'Lynn, are you serious? lf you give Spud a job, l'll give you hot oil treatments for the rest of your life! Annelle, this looks pretty good. I think you know what you're doin'.

Annelle:
Thank you!! Mrs. Eatenton, you have great hair. And your scalp's as clean as a whistle.

M'Lynn:
I try.

Truvy:
Well, it must run in the family. This young'un's got the prettiest hair l've ever had my hands in. So thick. Well, just because l'm braggin' on you don't mean you can get lazy on me. Hold your head up, Shelby.

Shelby:
Stop it!!

Truvy:
Shelby? Shelby! M'Lynn!!

Clairee:
I'll get some juice!!

M'Lynn:
Truvy, there's some candy in my purse.

Truvy:
I have some right here. [grabs a peppermint]

M'Lynn:
Shelby. Shelby. Hold on. Clairee's getting you some juice. Shelby. Shelby. Shelby.

Truvy:
Should I get her a cookie?

M'Lynn:
No, juice is better.

Clairee:
Here's the juice!!

M'Lynn:
Shelby! Shelby, you need some juice. You need some juice.

Shelby:
Stop it, Mama!

M'Lynn:
Drink the juice.

Truvy:
Please drink the juice.

Shelby:
No! Stop it, Mama! l have some candy in my purse.

M'Lynn:
No, you didn't bring your purse, sweetheart. You didn't bring your purse. No you didn't!! No, here you go. There you go. Drink some of this. lt's not any wonder with all this runnin' around and weddin' nonsense.

Annelle:
Excuse me. Should l call the doctor or somethin'?

Truvy:
No! No!

Clairee:
She's a diabetic.

M'Lynn:
She just has a little too much insulin, that's all. We'll get a little more in her. She'll be all right.

Shelby:
lf you don't leave me alone, l'm gonna leave.

M'Lynn:
Oh, I'd love to see you try!! Cooperate, please!!

Truvy:
Honey, drink, please!!

M'Lynn:
Come on, now. Thattagirl. Yes, yes, yes, yes. There you go. There you go. There, there. That's a start.

Clairee:
This one hit her fast.

M'Lynn:
Yeah. She's been so upset lately. Dr. Mitchell told her on her last appointment…children aren't possible.

Shelby:
Don't talk about me like l'm not here.

M'Lynn:
[slight laugh] Oh, oh, oh, oh, she's makin' some sense now. Yes, she is. This one was not bad at all. It was not bad at all. No, l think we needa little more juice.

Annelle:
Could l do somethin' to help?

M'Lynn:
No, no. She'll be fine. Don't fuss over her.

Clairee:
Here, M'Lynn.

M'Lynn:
Thanks.

Truvy:
I'm really sorry about the children part, M'Lynn.

M'Lynn:
I know. Shelby's afraid Jackson will be throwin' away his chance to have children.

Shelby:
Jackson said: Shelby, don't be stupid. There's plenty of kids out there need good homes.

M'Lynn:
Drink some.

Shelby:
We'll adopt 10 of them. We'll buy them if we have to.

Clairee:
Jackson sounds like good people to me.

Shelby:
Oh Mama, I'm sorry!!

M'Lynn:
That's all right, honey.

Shelby:
I'm sorry!!

M'Lynn:
lt's all right. lt's all over now. lt's all—You hold your juice.

Shelby:
Okay.

M'Lynn:
lt's all over. hold your juice.

Shelby:
Okay.

M'Lynn:
All right.

Shelby:
Okay.

Truvy:
You all right?

Shelby:
Truvy, I'm sorry!!

Truvy:
Oh, I'll fix it!! We'll fix it!!

Shelby:
Okay. [drinks more juice] Okay.

Drum:
What'd I do with my gun?

Jonathan:
Well, where'd ya leave it?

Drum:
How the hell do I know? Well, come on, we got work to do. Daylight's burnin'. Gotta get rid of some birds!!

Jonathan:
Whoo!! Got the arrows, Daddy!!

Drum:
All right, all right. Hey lookie here, lookie here!!

Tommy:
Yeah, and I got the target!!

Drum:
No, we're not goin target shootin', forget it.

Shelby:
Miss Clairee, what cute shoes!

Clairee:
Ya think so? I'm not so sure myself. They seem a little too racy for me. I'll probably give em away.

Truvy:
Oh, they're just too cha-cha for words. if you decide to get rid of em, I'll buy em from ya.

Clairee:
What size you wear?

Truvy:
Well in a good shoe, I wear a size 6. But a 7 feels so good, I buy a size 8.

Clairee:
They're 8 and a half.

Truvy:
Perfect!

Clairee:
Lord, give us strength!!

Ouiser:
Oh, God, come here, Rhett!!

Annelle:
That is one ugly dog. What kinda dog is that?

Clairee:
If it had hair, it'd be a St. Bernard.

Ouiser:
This is it, I have found it, I am in Hell!!

Truvy:
Good mornin, Ouiser.

Ouiser:
Don't try to get on my good side, Truvy. I no longer have one! Come here, Rhett.

Truvy:
You're a little early, ain't ya?

Ouiser:
That is PRECISELY why I'm here! I've gotta talk to M'Lynn about her husband. He is a boil on the butt of humanity!

M'Lynn:
I'm sorry, Ouiser. This whole thing has gotten outta hand.

Ouiser:
It's not your fault, M'Lynn. Ya know, l used to think you were crazy for marryin' that man. Then, for a few years, l thought you were glutton for punishment. Now l realize you must be on some mission from God.

Shelby:
Miss Ouiser, Daddy isn't trying' to drive you crazy. He's tryin' to make my reception nice. His heart's in the right place.

M'Lynn:
Ouiser, l know for a fact there will be no more gunshots.

Ouiser:
But he was gonna fire a gun at me!!

M'Lynn:
They're blanks. Drum would never, ever point a gun at a lady.

Ouiser:
He's a real gentleman. l bet he takes the dishes outta the sink before he pees in it. (sees Annelle.) Who the hell are you?

Ouiser:
I'm not speakin to you.

Drum:
Oh, what a shame!

Ouiser:
I mean it, Drum!!

Drum:
Ouiser, can we call a truce long enough for me to get a piece of cake? [Ouiser slices him the tail piece of an armadillo cake] Thanks Ouiser. Nothin' like a good piece of ass.

Ouiser:
I shouldn't have said that.

Clairee:
Said what?

Ouiser:
Back at Truvy's. I said I'd be better off when my body wears out. I shouldn't have said that in front of Shelby. And I didn't mean that.

Clairee:
Ouiser, nobody pays any attention to you.

Ouiser:
But I feel bad, Clairee. I'm a terrible person.

Clairee:
No, you're not. You'd give your dog a kidney if he needed one.

Ouiser:
Yes. [looking shocked at how much pork and beans Clairee is putting in their cart] Clairee, this is just a gesture. We're not feedin' Drum till the end of time.

Clairee:
Drum loves pork and beans. He eats them with everything.

Ouiser:
That explains a lot. [she puts some back; cut to Annelle and Sammy's house, they're getting out of Sammy's truck]

Sammy:
You're supposed to soak the red beans overnight.

Annelle:
But we don't have overnight!! And I wanted to take it to 'em before they leave for the hospital tomorrow!

Sammy:
Then, let's cook somethin' else.

Annelle:
I already bought all the stuff and it's in the "freezes beautifully" section of my cookbook. I wanna take somethin that freezes beautifully.

Sammy:
Well, then, we'll make red beans and rice.

Annelle:
Sammy Wayne Desoto, what is this in my Frigidaire?

Sammy:
Beer.

Annelle:
I don't care what you do with your refrigerator, but you will not keep liquor in mine. [dumps beer out in yard]

Sammy:
Oh, Annelle, for Christ's sake!

Annelle:
Who? Who did you say?

Sammy:
Christ, Christ, Christ!

Annelle:
Are you speaking of our Lord? Is that whose name you're taking in vain?

Sammy:
That's the one.

Annelle:
Well, I'm sorry, Sammy. But I am not about to spend the next fifty years of my life with someone I'm not gonna run into in the hereafter.

Sammy:
Oh, Annelle, God damn it!

Annelle:
I think we should pray.

Sammy:
Oh, I'd rather eat dirt!

Truvy:
How you holdin up, honey?

M'Lynn:
I'm fine.

Clairee:
It was a beautiful service.

Ouiser:
The flowers were the most beautiful flowers I have ever seen!

M'Lynn:
They were beautiful.

Annelle:
Miss M'Lynn, it should make you feel a lot better that Shelby is with her King.

M'Lynn:
Yes, Annelle, I guess it should.

Annelle:
Then we should all be rejoicing.

M'Lynn:
Well you go on ahead!! I'm sorry if I don't feel like it! I guess I'm a little selfish. I'd rather have her here.

Annelle:
Miss M'Lynn, I don't mean to upset you by sayin' that. It's just that when somethin like this happens, I pray very hard to make heads or tails of it. And I think that in Shelby's case, she just wanted to take care of that little baby, and of you, of everybody she knew. And her poor little body was just worn out. It just wouldn't let her do all the things she wanted to. So she went on to a place where she could be a guardian angel. She will always be young, she will always be beautiful. And I personally feel much safer knowin' that she's up there on my side [M'Lynn turns to face Annelle] It may sound real simple and stupid and...Well maybe I am, but, that's how I get through things like this.

M'Lynn:
Thank you, Annelle. I appreciate that. And it's a real good idea. Shelby, as you know, wouldn't want us to get mired down and wallow in this. We should handle it the best way we know how…and get on with it. That’s what my mind says. I wish somebody’d explain to my heart.

Truvy:
Drum says you never left her side for a second.

M'Lynn:
No.. I couldn't leave my Shelby. I just sat there and kept pushin' the way I always have where Shelby was concerned.... I was hopin' she'd sit up and argue with me. Finally we realized there was no hope. They turned off the machines. [Pause] Drum left.. couldn't take it. Jackson left. [slight laugh] I find it amusin'.. men are supposed to be made outta steel or somethin. I just sat there. I just held Shelby's hand. There was no noise. No tremble. Just peace. Oh God.. I realize as a woman how lucky I am! I was there when that wonderful creature drifted into my life.. and I was there when she drifted out of it. It was the most precious moment of my life... [sighs] I gotta get back. Has anybody got a mirror?

Truvy:
Does anybody have a mirror? I don't know how you're doin on the inside honey…but your HAIR sure is holdin up beautiful.

M'Lynn:
[looking in mirror, upset] Shelby was right! This IS a brown foot ball helmet!!!! [begins to cry]

Clariee:
Ohh…honey are you okay?

M'Lynn:
[crying] I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine. [screaming] I'm fine! I can jog all the way to Texas and back, but my daughter can't! She never could! Oh God! I'm so mad I don't know what to do! I wanna know why! I wanna know why Shelby's life is over! I wanna know how that baby will ever know how wonderful his mother was! Will he ever know what she went through for him? Oh God I wanna know why!! Why Lord, I wish I could understand! [in a firm tone] No! No! No! It's not supposed to happen this way! I'm supposed to go first. I've always been ready to go first! I-I don't think I can take this! I-I don't think I can take this! I-I just wanna hit somebody 'til they feel as bad as I do! I just wanna hit something! I wanna hit it hard! [continues sobbing]

Clairee:
Here! [grabs Ouiser by the shoulder and positions her in front of M'Lynn] Hit this! Go ahead M'Lynn, slap her!

Ouiser:
Are you crazy?!

Clairee:
Hit her!

Ouiser:
Are you high, Clairee?!

Truvy:
Clairee, have you lost your mind?

Clairee:
We'll sell t-shirts sayin' I SLAPPED OUISER BOUDREAUX! Hit her!

Annelle:
Miss Clairee, enough!

Clairee:
Ouiser, this is your chance to do something for your fellow man! Knock her lights out, M'Lynn!

Ouiser:
[gets out of Clairee's grip] Let go o' me!

Clairee:
M'Lynn, you just missed the chance of a lifetime! Half o' Chiquapin Parish'd give their eye teeth to take a whack at Ouiser! [everyone, except Ouiser, starts laughing]

Ouiser:
YOU ARE A PIG FROM HELL!! [Ouiser turns and walks away]

M'Lynn:
Ouiser, don't leave!

Clairee:
Ouiser! Ouiser, I was just kiddin'!! Come back!!

Annelle:
[quietly laughing] Miss Clairee, that wasn't a very Christian thing to do.

Clairee:
Oh, Annelle, ya gotta lighten up. [cut to Ouiser sitting on a bench, alone; Clairee tries to surprise her, but she steps on a twig, and Ouiser notices her]

Ouiser:
Go away.

Clairee:
Okay. All right, hit me, then. I deserve it.

Ouiser:
You are evil and you must be destroyed.

Clairee:
Mother Nature's taking care of that faster than you could.

Ouiser:
Lloyd got a great deal of enjoyment at my expense when he was alive.

Clairee:
Ouiser. You know l love you more than my luggage. [they start shoving each other]

Ouiser:
All right. [they continue shoving each other] This is my bench! Get off my bench!! Get off my…[Clairee falls off the bench] Good, now sit!! You are too twisted for color T.V., Clairee. Have your roots done. [cut back to the Eatonton house, Jonathan and Tommy are playing basketball; Annelle is bringing some cups of coffee to Truvy and M'Lynn who are watching Jack, Jr. who is sitting on a blanket and playing with his toys]

M'Lynn:
l shouldn't have gone on the way l did. l made everybody cry. I'm sorry.

Truvy:
Oh, don't be silly. Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion. Thanks, Annelle. [Annelle goes over to Jack Jr. to play with him]

M'Lynn:
Maybe l should have an emotional outburst more often. Maybe l should start havin' them at home. Drum would be so pleased. [Clairee and Ouiser approach the other woman, and they've clearly made up]

Ouiser:
I have feelins'.

Clairee:
Of course you do.

Truvy:
Well, l'm glad to see the two of you made up.

Clairee:
Ouiser can never stay mad at me. She worships the quicksand l walk on. [Ouiser hugs M'Lynn]

Ouiser:
M'Lynn, you're in my prayers, honey. [looks at a shocked Annelle] Yes, Annelle, I pray! Well, I do! There, I said it, I hope you're satisfied.

Annelle:
I have suspected this all along!

Ouiser:
Oh! Well don't you expect me to come to one of your churches! One of those tent-revivals with all those Bible-beaters doin' God-only-knows-what! They'd probably make me eat a live chicken!

Annelle:
Not on your first visit!

Clairee:
Very good, Annelle! Spoken like a true smart-ass! [Jack Jr. has Annelle's picture in his mouth]

Annelle:
Oh, what are you doin? Are you eatin my picture? [Ouiser and Clairee approach Drum, who's talking to Sammy]

Drum:
[to Sammy] Then I guess we can't talk about it. [Ouiser sticks her hand like a knife into Drum's back, as a sign of sympathy; Drum watches her walk away with Clairee; M'Lynn puts Jack Jr. into a tree swing]

M'Lynn:
Let's get in the swing, shall we? Get our feets in there. There we go. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on!

Annelle:
Miss M'Lynn, l don't know if this is the right time or place but l wanted to tell you that Sammy and l have decided if this baby's a girl we'd like to name it Shelby since she was the reason we met in the first place. If you don't mind.

M'Lynn:
Shelby would love that. I'm tickled pink. [softly] Pink.

Truvy:
Well, what are you gonna name it if it happens to be a boy? [Truvy looks down at Jack Jr. with a big smile]

Annelle:
Shelby I guess.

M'Lynn:
That's how it should be. Life goes on. [cut to a year later, parents are helping their children in the Easter egg hunt, including Jackson and Jack Jr. Annelle and Sammy approach the party; Sammy is wearing an Easter bunny costume]

Sammy:
I've never been so uncomfortable in all my life!!

Annelle:
We'll talk about uncomfortable when you're nine months pregnant, okay?

Spud:
Go on now, keep those eyes closed, or I'm'a staple em shut!!

Truvy:
They're closed!! What is it?!

Spud:
Keep em closed!!

Truvy:
Okay. Now?

Spud:
Ready?

Truvy:
Yep!

Spud:
Keep em shut. Okay, open em up!!

Truvy:
All right. [gasps when she sees Spud has opened a shop called Truvy's West, a new addition that connects with her beauty spot] l don't believe it! I'm a chain!! Oh, Spud!! [Truvy kisses Spud, then they hug. Cut Annelle, putting the head of the Easter Bunny costume on Sammy's head]

Sammy:
Jesus!!

Annelle:
Oh, lighten up!! Now you just burst through those bushes and hop over to where the kids are, okay?

Sammy:
What bushes?! I can't see sh*t!!

Annelle:
Over there!!

Sammy:
"Over there!!" I'm an adult, ya know!! I'm not a 5-year-old!!

Jonathan:
On your mark. Get set. Go!

Clairee:
Okay, Jack, Jr. l'm gonna tell you a story. Once upon a time, there was a beautiful young gal named Shelby. And Shelby had a lovely, kind and wonderful good fairy named Clairee. But there was also a horrible, evil, ugly witch named Ouiser!!

Ouiser:
I hate these stupid neighborhood things.

Owen:
No one's twistin' your arm to keep you here.

Ouiser:
Well, l have to be sociable.

Drum:
Hey, Rhett's here! Let's connect the bald spots.

Ouiser:
Drum. Eat, sh*t, and die! Hello, M'Lynn!

M'Lynn:
Ouiser, Owen.

Drum:
Good to see you too Ouiser, Owen. [Rhett starts barking at Drum] Come on, Rhett! Kill, kill!

Ouiser:
Quit it, Drum. Stop eggin' him on!

Clairee:
And everyone lived happily ever after. And the nasty, wicked, evil, wretched, horrible, mean Ouiser was never heard from again. Now, it's almost time for the Easter Bunny. Run on down!! [Ouiser sees Jack Jr., and kneels down to say "hi"]

Ouiser:
[laughs] Hi, Jack! You remember me? It's your old pal Ouiser! [Jack Jr., having heard Clairee's story, gets scared, then starts to cry, then he hits Ouiser!; yells] Jack!!

M'Lynn:
Just a second, it's Jackson.

Ouiser:
Jack, come here!! [Jack Jr. runs away, looking for M'Lynn; she finds and picks him up]

M'Lynn:
Oh, Jack!! Sweetheart…

Aunt Fern:
Is he all right??

M'Lynn:
Yes, he's all right. [Annelle stands up, when, all of a sudden, she feels herself going into labor]

Annelle:
[groans] Oh, Truvy!!

Truvy:
Oh, honey, it's okay. lt's okay. Women have babies every day. M'Lynn!

M'Lynn:
Annelle…

Truvy:
Jonathan, quick! Get that Easter Bunny over here now!

Jonathan:
Hey, Tommy, where's Sammy?

Tommy:
He's over there.

Jonathan:
Oh, excuse me!

Tommy:
Why? What's going on?

Ouiser:
What's the matter? What's wr-? Oh, my God! She's gonna have a baby!! Go get a doctor! Help! A doctor!

Clairee:
This way, this way. Spud's Jeep is this way!! Come on!! Here, here! Get her in! [Jackson and Marshall help Annelle into Spud's Jeep; Truvy gets in after her]

M'Lynn:
We'll find Sammy! We'll find Sammy! lt's all right, honey. We'll get Sammy.

Clairee:
Drive careful!!

Louie:
Come on, Sammy! Get your tail hoppin'!

Truvy Jones:
Oh get with it, Clairee. This is the '80s. If you can achieve puberty, you can achieve a past.

I can walk to Texas and back but my daughter can't she never could.