Steptoe and Son

Harold Steptoe:
You are morally, spiritually and physically a festering fly-blown heap of accumulated filth.

Harold Steptoe:
You are a dyed-in-the-wool, fascist, reactionary, squalid little, 'know your place', 'don't rise above yourself', 'don't get out of your hole' - complacent little turd.

[repeated line]

Harold Steptoe:
You dirty old man!

Harold Steptoe:
[trying to convince Albert to change the channel of the partitioned TV set] We had an agreement, we shook hands. I have got the law of contract on my side.

Albert Edward Ladysmith Steptoe:
I have the knobs on my side.

Albert Steptoe:
[Albert has placed 'bum' on the Scrabble board] My "bum" is the American word for 'tramp'.

Harold Steptoe:
Well, that is where I've got you because you can't use any slang or colloquialisms!

Albert Steptoe:
Right then, I'll stick to me English "bum". And that's the part of your anatomy that swells out of the back of your trousers.

Albert Edward Ladysmith Steptoe:
[looking at old newspapers] 'Ere, I remember this - Mussolini invades Albania - King Zog flees.

Harold Steptoe:
That's nothing mate, we got King Size fleas here!

[Harold is fantasizing about his forthcoming cruise]

Harold:
Ivory smuggling up the coast of Africa, whale hunting off Antarctica...

Albert:
Shipwrecked off Southend!

Albert Steptoe:
[with a brown ale on the coffin of his brother] This is the first drink I've ever had on him!

Albert Steptoe:
'Ere, that's a What the Butler Saw machine!

Harold Steptoe:
Ah, you recognize it! Takes you back to your lecherous youth, does it?

Harold Steptoe:
[after seeing Albert on a mutoscope reel] You Marquis De Sade!

Vicar:
I say... isn't that an old What the Butler Saw machine? I haven't seen one of those in a month of sabbaths!

Albert:
Fellini's Eight'n'Arf... Eight'n'Arf what?

[Albert is trying to get seats for Nudes of 1964, very much against Harold's wishes]

Harold Steptoe:
We're going to see Fellini's 8 and 1/2!

Albert:
[pointing at a girl in the Nudes of 1964 poster] I'd rather see her forty-eight and a half.

[Albert has been talking all through the film, and the man behind him can finally take no more]

Threatening Cinemagoer:
I'm a very peaceful man, but I warn you - if I hear another word of you I shall stuff that ice cream right down the back of your dirty little neck!

Johnny:
Right, gimme the keys to your car.

Harold Steptoe:
The car? What car? We haven't got a car.

Johnny:
Come off it, everybody's got a car.

Harold Steptoe:
We haven't.

[Johnny and Frank are escaped prisoners on the run who want the Steptoes to lend them their car so they can make their getaway. Harold offers them the carthorse instead]

Frank Ferris:
We can't make a getaway on an horse, Johnny.

Harold Steptoe:
Dick Turpin did!

Reading books leads to communism (Alberty Steptoe)